How do I tell a guy that it is never going to work out between us without hurting him?

Ok, so it is a kind of long story. I have been friends with this guy for a long time (He's also friends with my brother) About two years ago we slept together, but nothing came of it since he got back together with his ex and I moved to another state. About a year ago we started talking on the phone every day. I was involved with someone at the time and our conversations were pure friendship. My relationship with my boyfriend was rocky at the time and at one point we started talking of being together. When my relationship with my boyfriend ended we started seeing each other, he would come down and we'd rent a hotel and spend the weekend together. I went to see him a couple of times.

However, he got really clingy and needy and declared his love for me. I really care about him as a friend and we have great sex, but I don't see myself with him in the future. I must admit I might have led him on a bit, but I was confused at the time and lonely since I had broken up with my boyfriend. But I was honest in that I told him I couldn't commit and I was emotionally unavailable. About a month ago I told him I needed a break and my boyfriend and I decided to try again and things have been fantastic between us. I never told my friend this, because it would kill him.

The thing is he has changed a lot for me- he doesn't go out anymore, he doesn't smoke and he's trying really hard to get a good job. I never asked him to do anything for me, but he thinks this was going to make me like him more.

The most important thing for me is that I do not want to lose the friendship and I don't want to hurt him. He is so deeply in love with me, that I don't know how to tell him that it is just not going to work. He says he will wait for me as long as I want, but I dont' want him to.

I love him, but as a friend. Please tell me how is the best way to tell him without hurting him at all. Do you think it is possible to remain friends?


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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 1

  • This is a really tough situation, but since you really don't have feelings for him and since you are back with your boyfriend, you are eventually going to have to be honest with him. Maybe you could write him a letter - explaining to him that you still love him as a friend but that you have decided to get back together with your boyfriend. Personally, I would not tell him that you never really loved him. Once you tell him that you are back together with your boyfriend, and that you really love your boyfriend, he should get the hint. He will figure out that you really do not love him in that way or else you would stay with him instead of going back to your ex. He will also figure out that you like your ex more than you like him. He may be angry and hurt, but he will definitely get over it because you are being as honest with him as possible - letting him know what's up and that you have made the choice of who you want to be with. He should also respect your confidence if you do it this way, because you have a right to choose to be with whomever you want. He may choose to not continue to be friends with you, but by the way it sounds, that shouldn't be a problem for you. You can either write him a letter or tell him over the phone or in person that you are back with your ex. But, you don't need to tell him that you aren't interested in him or don't love him. If he doesn't back off and take the hint, then I would be a bit more forward - letting him know that you aren't going to be having a sexual relationship with him anymore because you are back with your ex. Otherwise, when you tell him that you are back with your ex and that you love your ex, he should get it (unless he is a moron or is crazy! ). At any rate, good luck!

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    • Thank you for your advice. The thing is he is really sensitive and I know he's going to be devastated. I have tried to break off the romantic aspect of our relationship numerous times and he just doesn't get it and maybe I'm too soft with him and am not clear enough in fear that I will hurt him. Oh and we haven't slept together since way before I got together with my bf, I couldn't do it because I just wasn't that emotionally attached to him. HELP!

    • Yes, I understand - I've found that when I get into relationships with people and I'm not really into them, the person normally ends up getting hurt because I really did not want to be with them in the first place - I was only with them to not be alone. Either way, you're going to end up hurting him because he really wants to be with you. Maybe you should just totally cut it off with him instead of continuing to have contact with him.

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