My BFs Mum died.. He said 'what's the point in living', I said 'Im still here'... He said 'Who the fuck are you'... I'm so hurt?

Was he just upset or did he mean it? He justifies his statement by saying nobody should be compared his mother. It's been a week and every time we look at eachother he has that look that shows he thinking about her. I feel really bad. I try to help him and say good things but he tells me he doesn't need emotional support.
When he's with his friends and they tend to talk about the negatives and he seems to thrive on that more... One of his mates talked about the date for the funeral and another mentioned how much he liked my BFs mothers pancakes...
I feel like shit because everything I say tends to be emotional like 'everything will be ok'... He responds sarcastically by saying 'where is she then?' And 'did you get that from a book?'.
Obviously I let everything he says slide because i understand his situation but why is he happy when his friends make comments but not me.
He came back from uni the other day with red eyes and obviously he was crying but when I asked his response was he doesn't need anyone. I feel useless and the other night I heard him praying while crying. How can I help him when he thinks he's above help?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • your hurt? did you really just say Your hurt?
    his mother is dead and all you think about is yourself. He is grieving. everyone grieves differently. He is going to be sad. but he is also going to be mad. You need to understand that. You can't console some people.
    I know when I get in that kind of state anyone saying something like that is going to make me think the same thing. I just have better control of myself. Some don't. You can see that those coined sayings are not helping so just give him space. if your close he knows your there. I know I just want to be left alone when I am down.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Wow, what a gigantic douchebag.

    Yes, I get it, his mom died, very sad. That doesn't excuse treating you like shit, especially when you're trying your damnedest to support him through this.

    If he's being so shitty to you while cool with his friends, it seems like he's using you as an emotional punching bag while trying to cope with the loss.

    I wouldn't stand for such behaviour, to be honest. Who the fuck is HE to take out his anger on you?

    It's not your fault his mom is dead. He has some nerve unloading his little bitch attitude on you.

    Seriously, what a fucking prick.

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    • I agree! So what? Its just disrespectful... If you have nothing to say than don't say it. I bet if it was a girl doing this guys would be jumping to leave her!

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    • Yes! Again, I agree! He taking upon himself to attack her and only her! Of course that FREAKIN insane that he only attack her!!! I up voted you so yeah!

    • @archiz

      Fair enough. I'm not sorry for my words, because the guy is obviously targeting her to channel his anger and that is an asshole thing to do, dead parent or not.

What Guys Said 9

  • He just lost the main woman in his life. He's holding you at a distance because he fears that if he gets too. close, he'll lose you too.

    Everything that is happening (the way he is reacting to you) is because you are his girlfriend. He's feeling lost. Don't take what he is saying personally.

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  • give him a break. he's sad. his mother just died.

    its a time where you have to be selfless. you have to understand that he is hurt and is highly emotional. the woman who brought him into the world died. that's a pain you can't really imagine unless you've experienced.

    just try to be a support. try to forgive him for things he say that may be hurtful. If you feel super compelled to deal with it tell him.
    "i am so sorry for your loss. i know i can't possibly understand it. i am doing the best i can to be a support to you; however, i can't be the target of your pain. i don't want this but if you need time to yourself i can understand, but i hope i can be a comfort to you and a person you want around at this time"

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  • I have lost both my parents. I can tell you that I was a kinda rude to the people around me. Especially the women. That's not how I normaly am.

    It was like the women wanted me to cry and stuff. That's not how guys go through things. Us guys are kinda taught to go through things silently. But that doesn't mean we don't hurt.

    I feel sorry for rude to those ladies because just like you their hearts were in the right place.

    Back to you. There is not much you can say. And try not to treat him like you would do one of your female friends.

    Let him talk when wants to talk and when he doesn't mention it, don't mention it. He will let you know what he wants. Just do the things the two of you always do and everything will go fine.

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  • I think the best thing you can do is to keep some distance, he will come to you eventually. His reaction is a typical way must guys handle a loss. We shut ourselves of from the world, and try to figure out on our own how to handle things and pick it back up. He doesn't hate you, and i think he will realize very soon that he was wrong for saying bad things but he isn't himself right now, just tell him that you are there for him, and from there you keep your distance.

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  • It might have been better to just say," You can contact me, anytime, if you need to talk".

    Don't forget, humans sometimes lash out verbally against the people they love most, as one of the most important ladies in his life that he obviously loved has gone.

    Best thing to do is to say very little about it. Let him talk about it if he wants to. It's gonna take a long time. I know from experience. Just hang in there!

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  • I think he was just upset because she meant so much to him and your still just his girlfriend and not married to him. Don't take it too personally, he's in a bad place right now and you counseling him isn't helping.

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  • damn...
    he was just saying that... if u do leave him he might actually suicide

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  • Let me guess... your boyfriend is European.

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  • Here's my psychology take on it: He's sabotaging your efforts to help him because he's convinced that you will leave him too. He's not opening up emotionally because he's afraid of being hurt again

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What Girls Said 3

  • Sometimes people don't want to hear that everything will be ok because they can't see it because they will never get that person back. Sometimes people just need to mourn and remember the good times to get past the situation. If you aren't about that then maybe you need to back away and just be there when he needs you. It's all about his mom right now and he wants to soak in that until the time has come for him to move past her death.

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  • I don t know if this is good or not but if I was in your place, I ll just back out and give him space. since my presence isn t doing him nor me any good.
    I d tell him, if he needs anything he knows where I am and just let him grief in peace.
    I can understand him, when I am sad, I don t have people s patience, nor want their comfort so I avoid them or else I ll be a bit nasty with them like he is being with you.

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  • I'd say he's under the influence of grief, & prone to say things that sound odd, hurtful, out-of-character.

    Right now just quietly be there for him & let him see that you are there for him.

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