Is this normal when dating a German man?

I've recently started dating a German guy. We've had two excellent dates; we talked endlessly and have definitely established a good friendly and intellectual connection. But he hasn't made a single move physically yet. He hasn't tried to hold my hand or kiss me. He has shown no indication of being physically attracted to me. He hasn't even complimented me once or spoken in any flirtatious way. I have been subtely flirtatious (unintentionally) on our last date, by bringing up some sexual topics (it totally suited the conversation though.) And generally just smiling and playing with my hair, that sort of thing...

I am pretty sure he likes me as a person, and enjoys spending time with me, cos he has extended both dates. The first time he was supposed to leave after 1 and a half hour, but stayed for 3. Second time, we were together for 7 hours! He has told me he would like to see me again after he is back from his trip home for Christmas.

Anyway I was wondering if this is a cultural difference, because in my experience if a guy is attracted to you, he would make it known in the first or second date. Or is he just not attracted to me.

If it's of any relevance, he is 42 years old.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • thanks @NoClueFrau :) but i don´t know if i´m qualified... of course there is no "standard german way" but i guess most of us are quite reserved when it comes to physical stuff. also he´s 42, he might be way out of the dating game. just try getting physically with him and watch his reaction :)

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    • Pleasure :) You are more than qualified, I believe. Yes there is no "standard German way" but the people have this vibe of "being naturally reserved" except of the thriving youngsters. xD xD

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    • yeah sounds good :)

    • @genericname85 230 KMPH or faster xD xD

      @Caramel_creme Good height difference. Just hop on the person if you dont reach the target. xD xD
      Apart from jokes, I see you are working through it. Just take it slower than normal. Moreover the person is showing "no player" green lights so its a good sign. :) Good luck.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Everything is normal when you date a German xD xD

    Sorry for the racist comment. It was just a joke.

    "Intellectual connection" = sounds German.

    Dates would always be extended because there is no short talk. Every (At least most of) conversation would be deep and one topic would lead to another.

    Even if he is attracted a lot to you, it would take a lot of time for that to verbally come out. Don't keep on directly or indirectly asking if he likes you or not. It would eventually all come out.

    They may not be your normal flirtatious men. They grow up that way

    Rather be clear about what you want physically. I dont know if your emotional needs would be fulfilled or not.

    If he is not attracted to you, there would not even be a second date. So a second date is a solid sign.

    There is a lot of generalization here and it may not be true for all of the German guys/men.

    You are stepping into a dungeon. Good luck and enjoy exploring ;)

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    • This is fairly accurate. Unlike the Latin/Southern European countries, which are quick to escalate/flirt/make sexual innuendos, Germans are not like this, neither are Nordic countries.

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    • Awww @Nocluefrau. I know it hurts, but stay strong! You have done well so far... When you find yourself thinking of his traits, force yourself to think of the bad instead. I actually make a list of things I didn't like about it, or why it wouldn't work between us, and keep it with me for easy reference whenever I reminisce. This technique has helped me get over men during breakups...

    • I need to give a 150% to get these alluring traits out of my mind and make a list of all the negative manipulative ones and why it didn't work!! Thank you again :) It was simple but I needed this advice.

What Guys Said 5

  • Well I lived in Germany and he's basically my age, so I feel somewhat qualified to answer this question. :)

    I think it has less to do with cultural background than with his nature as a person. A lot of guys are like that. The fact that he's single and dating at 42 seems relevant here, potentially.

    He may just be like that. Forever. A lot of guys are. The question then becomes, how okay are you with that.

    Hope things work out for you here. Good luck.

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    • So glad to have ran into you! Yeah that did cross my mind, what if it's just his personality. I am quite a passionate and physically affectionate person, so not sure if I could deal with someone with a cold demeanour like that.

      He is warm otherwise though, I mean in conversation...

  • Older guys take a bit more time opening up
    They are from the era where it was frowned upon if u acted too fast. These are gentlemen and quite rare these days
    Cheerish him

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  • Betweeen 16 and 20 I dated several girls without trying to convince them to get in bed with me. They just gave me the impression they weren't ready to go that far, that early. (With hindsight, I was wrong a few times)
    Am I a German because of that?

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    • I think taking one's time to be physical is common as an adolescent. One is still discovering one's sexuality and getting comfortable with it. At 42, I find it a bit strange. Not necessarily unattractive though. If the reason is not him not being attracted to me, or a lack of passion generally, I think it's very sweet and mature of him to be enjoying my company and ME, rather than my body for now...

      I am in no hurry myself, but just questioning his interest.

    • He might also have a girlfriend or a wife, of course. I'm married and it doesn't stop me from having long talks with women. *Talks*...
      And I don't care if they expect more.

  • If that is your pic, he is either attracted to you or gay.

    Or German.

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    • Thanks for the implied compliment 😊 Yes that's me in the picture.

      So you do think German men take their time with showing physical attraction?

    • They're kind of stereotyped as unemotional.

      There was a joke on some show I saw, comparing something to being "like loving a German girl. No matter what she will never love you."

      Or something like that.

    • Sigh! Yeah I don't think I could be with someone unemotional...

  • I don't know why, but as I was reading this scenario, I got the vibe of a conservative Lutheran...
    But, he might have also grown up with very strict European standards, (my mother and father were both from around there), and as such has been raised to get to know the girl first, relay what he likes about you to his mother (for the most part, very matriarchal culture) for her approval. Did he take any photos of the two of you?

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    • Oh dear! I certainly hope that's not the case. I don't know that much about his family's religion, but he told me they are not religious. Also he told me he was quite the rebel as a teen, left home and then moved to Asia... not too close to his family. He didn't take any photos either.

    • Well, I could be wrong then... maybe he just wants to make sure he's doing the right thing by you and himself, before making a physical commitment...

What Girls Said 2

  • It's been only two dates and he seems to be into you.
    It might just be out of respect to you that he hasn't tried anything yet or maybe he likes to get to know you better first.
    I don't think it has to do much with being german although germans can be very straightforward and no bullshit like, so maybe the whole flirting thing seems irrelevant to him since you are having a good time.

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  • He might be like me. Not everyone just wants to haves sex with someone before they have a deep connection and get to know them. I hardly ever get turned on based on looks alone. I need some sort of connection, and trust there. I have to know they have a good personality.

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    • I am the same. But you and me are women. I think for men physical attraction is a pre requisite for pursuing any woman, although of course for most, it is just part of the package...

      Anyway I am not looking for sex so soon. I need my time with that too. But some indication of interest...

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