Is it wrong that I honestly do not feel I need to tell my future SO that I was raped?

It happened 4 years ago. I personally do not feel i owe anyone who i decide to be with a relationship with about my past.

I want a guy to know me for me not feel sorry for me

And i want to sleep in separate beds (im just kidding about this part)


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Do you have to tell him? no
    Will it matter to the man who loves you? no
    But I know from experience that it leaves an emotional scar. You never know when something will trigger from that. It might be 20 years down the road. Eventually, it is going to come out. Those kind of things always do (bad things in general). So if your together for any length of time, he is going to have negative feelings. You kept something from the person you supposedly love and are supposed to feel comfortable enough to tell anything to. SO if you hid that, what else are you hiding? that is what he will think. That can balloon out of control. What happens if it comes out 5, 10 or 20 years later? It could be enough to end your relationship. It will certainly hurt it much more then just telling him.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You're right, being raped DOES NOT define you. But it is a big part of you, it obviously impacted you and is most likely something your SO would like to know. If your SO was raped, you might feel the same way.
    You don't want him to feel pity yes, and you don't want him to treat or think of you differently. You do not need to tell him, but it would be of your best interest. Why? Well because you want to get it off your chest. There's no need to hide anything especially from your SO. If you didn't question whether hiding it was right, you wouldn't have asked in the first place. What's the worst that will happen? There's actually many more pros than cons to it.

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What Guys Said 12

  • Yes it important cause i known 4 raped victims. They all have 1 thing in common. They are controlling. what should do and what shouldn't do. What i can say and what i can't say. And things i do remind them of that time so they act sour.

    I get we all say if guy can't accept this or if he dont love me for who i am then... Well the truth is guys is tired of investing there lives, time, and energy, into females we dont know. Character is defied by the harsh moments in lives. And guy is getting to see the part of you that you feel he need to only know then what happen if he start saying stuff the rapist say, or his sexual fantasy is rape.

    Though i am not trying to sound super serious in all but us guys needs know what getting ourselves into before we go with our woman. No disrespect intended.

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  • I think it is best to let your SO know that you were raped so that he will have a better understanding about you.

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    • But me being raped does not define me. And it's my choice who I tell. I'm not dating anyone but when I do I'm not telling him anything

    • This is why I never say that it is wrong for you to not tell your SO that you were raped. It is entirely up to you. I hope the culprit (s) who raped you already faced justice.

  • That's totally your choice

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  • On the one hand, it's your life and your secret to tell or not tell. On the other, this is the type of secret that erodes trust and understanding, so I'm torn. How about this - you don't OWE him the story, but you owe your relationship the sharing. How's that?

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  • lol well depends if you are getting really serious with the person that he should know if not tho dont tell him a mother fucking thing lol

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  • I don't think you have to but I'm sure when you meet him at one point you'll tell him. Because if your with them I'm sure you'll feel comfortable with them

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  • Yeah I find that a good decision of you even tho now that I know it I feel like being your listener so yeah it might be the best.
    The joke didn't work out ^^

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  • I don't think it's wrong that you want to hide your past. But if my SO told me about her past, I would really help her if she still needed help.

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  • If telling him will make you feel better then I think it's ok to say it but if you just don't feel you want to say it then don't but I think if you reveal it at somr point in your realitionship it would be better

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  • It's only wrong if you feel dishonesty is wrong. I personally couldn't imagine a complete relationship without her knowing me.

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  • He'll probably figure it out on his own. I did and she was raped 25 years ago. If you don't want to tell you don't have to. Just be prepared if he ever asks someday.

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  • No, do you.

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What Girls Said 5

  • It definitely isn't wrong to not tell him, and it's absolutely your choice. However, I would be concerned if you still have sensitivities (for lack of a better word) to certain things. Someone here once mentioned that her boyfriend came on to her when she was sleeping and she was upset about it, understandably so, but her boyfriend didn't get it just because he wasn't aware of her past. That's just one example, but that would be my concern.

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  • Dear, I think you have every right to keep that to yourself if you so please. It's not anyone's right to know our whole history. We get to chose what we tell people.

    What happened to you was horrible, and if you choose to keep that from a future beau, then so be it. I would hope though if you do choose to share that with him, that he is nothing but loving and supportive towards you.

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  • No, not really. It's not something he needs to know or something that pertains to your relationship, so I don't think it's wrong for you to not divulge that information.

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  • You don't have to disclose anything you do not want to.

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  • Of course you do not need to disclose..
    not unless it becomes relevant.

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