Am I putting too much importance into sex? Guys stop seeing me when I tell them "no" to sex.. And say I'm a "tease"?

I'm 21. Let me start by saying I have been taught to believe I deserve the best and shouldn't give myself to others so easily. I've dated around with plenty of guys the past few years. It almost always ends the same... They go crazy for me, talk to me nonstop, take me out.. And then we get intimate and I say no to anything further than making out (after one date, or a couple weeks) and then they get all pouty. I go home after a bit, and voilĂ  they never call me again. I was seeing this guy and we would make out everytime we saw each other which was a whopping 2 times in a matter of a week, and then when I wouldn't give him head or have sex with him, he called me a tease and said I wasn't interested in him.
I partially also feel like guys sexualize me, and they think I'm more sexually experienced because of my physical attributes than I actually am. I'm well aware I have an attractive body and face, but it's like guys don't want to know me on a deeper level than that. Like, I don't deserve to be known deeper than my physical appearance because that's all anyone sees of me; if they wanted a relationship it would be with someone else. I "turn heads but not hearts" or whatever. And they blame me and try to make me feel guilty... I'm just kinda sad because I really put myself out there emotionally and then get torn apart by guys just because they don't view me anymore worthy than a one night stand and a joy ride. Meh, maybe that's all I do have to offer. It's made me close up to every guy I encounter now too. So if I do meet a genuine guy, I wouldn't know because I'm so closed off and sad.


Most Helpful Guy

  • look at it this way. guys r looking to tick boxes. as soon as u tick a box he progresses to find out more about u. if a box is missing he probably won't want to continue the relationship since his checklist isn't being met. sex is either no.1 or no.2 on a guy's checklist. if u dont tick that box within an acceptable period of time he is just gonna move on bc his time is being wasted. but if u tick the box early he will progress the realtionship to tick other boxes and build upon a good foundation for your relationship. sex is like a foundation tick box. u can't build the relationship without first building the foundation. yes guys want to go deeper but won't even consider that unless u meet some primary criteria. for me personally, i wouldn't wait more than 3 dates for sex.

    • Not all guys r like u. I waited 2 and a half years before having sex with my then newlywed wife. My wife n I were both virgins when we got married. And we had a very strong deep relationship within a few months of starting to date

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    • Oh ok I gotcha. Ya she needs to keep an eye out for different type of guys then. If she wants to keep her values anyway

    • @DeadShot619 basically, 🙂yes.. But it's hard to become interested in guys purely based on their sexual desires though. I fall for guys who really don't view sex as you do (unfortunately)... Or haven't met one yet anyways. So I guess I need to stay firm & hopeful?

Most Helpful Girl

  • It will take time, trust me. Dating at your age is really frustrating, because most people are not looking for anything serious. It's usually because at your age, it's a very transitional time for people. Many are in school, and are moving frequently. That is why sex is so high on the priority list right now.

    However, you will find a guy eventually who will want to get to know you on a deeper level. Just try to be patient, even though it's really hard to wait so long!

    Try to focus more on meeting people and less on finding a relationship. Try to keep busy with friends, the right guy will find you eventually.

    • I think that's a great point. I should be looking to meet new people and not necessarily a lover. Sometimes I get caught up in that because of loneliness and desire but I guess it could be channeled in other ways. Thanks!

What Guys Said 4

  • Eventually a true man will come along that just wants to love u regardless of if he has to wait a while to sleep with u. Some guys actually stay virgins for the same reasons u just stated. Ur man will come. Try telling them right when they ask u out that they won't get sex anytime soon so if that's all they want then buzz off!

  • Wait a bit, sometimes the right person takes some extra time to come to you

  • So what else do you do to show a guy that you're actually interested in him?

  • There's your problem, you stated in the second sentence (and I did read the rest). You think you deserve something. No one really ever deserves anything. As a general rule of life, you only really deserve what you are able to obtain. You are correct on one instance though. Most of these guys don't care about any value you put on emotions, and for the most part whatever you think you are giving them by trying to show emotion is worthless. Things can get better for you but it starts with you. You can't really blame guys for pursuing their own interests when you are doing exactly the same.


What Girls Said 2

  • So keep in mind this is just my experience and opinion, but I think it might be their age. When I was that age and dating 99% of the guys I dated wanted, dinner, hang out, sex. It was exhausting trying to weed through the ones who were looking for a serious relationship. So no joke, it got to the point that when someone would ask me out, I would let them know from that very moment that I wasn't going to be having sex with them, so if that's what they wanted it wasn't me. Crazy? Yes. But it worked. 2 serious guys later I found mine.

  • If you're not comfortable having sex, do not let anyone force you to have it ever. Anyone who does that is a bad person, full stop.

    I can't tell you what you should do here. I do know however that for someone who truly cares about you, not having sex with them shouldn't be an issue because they care about *you* and what you're comfortable with, instead of their own selfish wants.