Do you think that in a relationship you should change yourself for the benefit of your partner?

When you enter a relationship how do you feel about changing yourself? Say your partner is very quiet, would you make yourself more outgoing to compliment him/her? Or say that your partner is horrible at making food, would you learn how to go make food so that you could do it? Things like this, how do you feel about change in a relationship?

  • You shouldn't change, the goal is to find someone who is compatible with you from the start
    29% (36)27% (20)28% (56)Vote
  • A little change never hurt anyone but nothing too crazy
    65% (80)67% (49)65% (129)Vote
  • You should change as much as required for the relationship to last
    6% (7)4% (3)5% (10)Vote
  • You should change yourself so that your parents wouldn't recognize you
    0% (1)2% (1)2% (2)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hmmm... Since going out with my partner, I've changed quite a lot. I think that it's been less of a conscious change and more something that just happened. For one, my confidence has changed a hell of a lot. I used to hate the way I looked, could barely look at myself in the mirror, could never see anything good in how I was or what I did, and now it's so much better. I think that I changed because he is so confident about everything and that just influenced me and I started copying him and eventually it worked. I think I've also become much gentler than i was before - I was always gentle, but now it's more obvious. It's not necessarily due to him being so blunt, it could just be a development of my character, but I'm not going to deny that it may have been because of him.

    I'm not going to change myself drastically if it doesn't benefit me. Like I think developing and becoming happier and learning to compliment each others skills is very much a part of becoming a couple, that just happens, to both people. But changing yourself in a way that's unhealthy or something you're not happy about, that's something that should be avoided and I hope I'd never consider doing it.

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    • One of the reasons (IMO) for a relationship is that you help the other become the best version of themselves. That in-turn benefits you.

Most Helpful Guy

  • While a person should always be genuine and who they really are, the best relationships are the ones which bring best in people, and that means changing yourself for the better. It's wrong to pretend you're something you're not, but doing things you weren't doing before is normal because single life is different to relationships. When you're in a relationship, you naturally want to make another person happy, and that can involve new skills or enriching your personality with new traits. For example, before I met my girlfriend, I wasn't as good in communicating, while now I know how to articulate my feelings and thoughts better and how to deal with things that happen in a way that makes our relationship stronger. I'm still me, I just have a new level of understanding. I wouldn't do the things I hate or the things that go against my belief system just because someone would want me to - there has to be compatibility there in the first place, but that compatibility is a base we can build on. Doing little things for your partner - things you probably weren't doing before - is a part of giving and keeping relationship alive so in that sense, it's normal for some change to happen and it's a good thing as long as you're both happy. But that's very different to forcing your personality to change in a way that doesn't feel right to you or pretending to be something you're not just so your partner would stay with you - that's not healthy and is not going to work.

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What Girls Said 26

  • I voted for "A little change never hurt anyone but nothing too crazy". I feel like the important thing to remember is to change because YOU want to change and not because your partner makes it a requirement for the relationship.

    I've been with guys who try to change me, and it never works out. It really hurts when you meet someone, and you think they like you, only to find out they want you to change.

    If I was with a guy who couldn't cook, I would have no problem cooking for him sometimes. But if he demanded I cook for him all the time and be his personal chef, that ain't going to happen!

    If a guy is with me and says I'm attractive, but need to lose weight and then tries to force me to skip meals. That's not going to work for me.

    Basically how I approach things, is people aren't perfect. But whatever they are bringing to the table has to be enough for me to want to stay. I'm pretty reasonable on things. I've tolerated a lot and I feel like I can give someone unconditional love quite easily. But if it's hard for someone to love you despite some aspect of yourself. Then maybe the relationship isn't a good fit?

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  • Change is normal as we get older and I look at is as growing more than changing. There's a difference between forced change and natural change.

    Let's use your cooking example. One person is probably ore naturally inclined towards cooking, enjoys it more or has more time. Single people often don't cook several times a week but cooking for two people gives you more of a reason to do it.

    I started to try and cook after having the best macaroni and cheese at Sandra Bullock's restaurant and I wanted to find something similar but I didn't start cooking all the time until I'm a LTR. My boyfriend likes to eat and he'd much rather see how new dishes are made at home then go to a fancy restaurant. Not because he is cheap but he likes to make things and watch other people invent and try new things.

    Now forced change is when a partner asks you to change something about yourself or you change something about yourself to try and better fit with a partner you may not be a good match for.

    They don't like your laugh, they don't like the face you make while your thinking (yes I had a guy tell me this), they tell you to be more easy going meaning you shouldn't ever get upset because it isn't lady like (even if they forget your birthday).

    A partner should never ask you to change but when you love someone you do want to be a better person. Maybe you naturally start drinking less, you put extra effort into your career when it was never important before.

    You are really young so in most likelihood you are still changing into the adult you will be. Studies suggest for most people 25 and above is when you have a better idea of who you are and what you want. I certainly think this is true if you went to college but maybe younger if you started working out of high school. Anyway though I think you have to have a good understanding of who you are before committing to a serious relationship.

    Once you have that you will know the difference between making adjustments to better the relationship and being untrue to yourself. You can always learn to cook to better your family unit but you can't control the frowny face you make when concentrating.

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  • Do you think that in a relationship you should change yourself for the benefit of your partner?
    A. You shouldn't change, the goal is to find someone who is compatible with you from the start

    Though I prefer to replace 'shouldn't" with "wouldn't" as I don't do should/shouldn't unless it pertains to harming children/animals.

    My reasoning is: I'm a hetero gal so my relationships will be with hetero guys. Considering that guys generally approach on appearance and would bail asap if they aren't getting the amount of sex they want I see no reason to change for a guy. I am not going to change, compromise, or sacrifice anything for a guy who wouldn't even have considered me if it weren't for my looks *and* who wouldn't stay with me if there was no sexual activity. When it comes to relationships anything and everything I do will be for my own benefit.

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  • I think in most good relationships, both partners change a bit not necessarily for the benefit of the other but just to help things between the two of you to vibe a bit better. In my own situation, both of us changed but it wasn't as a result of any conscious decision.

    I became a lot more patient, more tolerant of certain things he does after countless fights and soon enough I'd see that the doesn't do it with bad intentions. That that's just hte way he is so I'm fighting a losing battle by trying to change it. That I'd rather just be patient or meet in the middle than lose him over it.
    For similar situations but applying to me, I got a lot better at being more open. At actually voicing any concerns I may have versus bottling them up and ruminating until I crack and go a bit psycho on him when he had no way to have known what was upsetting me in the first place.

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  • real change would be something like, if you are not good at being empathizing and acknowledgeing someone's feelings, and the person wants you to start... make sure you start.
    Or if you always put down that person's ideas and makes that person feel really hurt and sad, and that person asks you to stop putting down all their ideas, maybe you should start.
    Or if you always expect that person to do many things for you but you don't do anything for that person besides laugh at them and tell them that they are your servant and you expect them to do everything because they are so good at it, and they ask you to help out even by doing your own clothes because they already did 10000 hours of other things for you, maybe you should listen.

    If they are changing you for the better and making you a more thoughtful, kind, considering, and nice person maybe you should change for them.

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  • I feel like it depends on what you're trying/wanting your partner to change. You shouldn't change your personality to make someone happier unless that trait is a negative trait that isn't generally appreciated like being overly aggressive or jealous. But like in your example the quiet girl is naturally a quiet girl so either her partner should appreciate that or she needs to find someone like herself. Learning new skills is part of life and I don't consider that really "changing" for someone. If you become a cleaner person or learn to cook more while dating someone that is part of growing up and beneficial to both people.

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  • I'd say a small change is fine. But not like a complete change in personality.

    I wouldn't call it "change", I feel that it's more of growing and developing together. Though I do think it's better to find someone to love you from the start, I also think a little growth is fine. You should never stop improving or becoming a better person.

    My only concern with this is that if you were to leave that person, would you continue? Like let's say you're learning a new language because her family is foreign, and you want to her mom or grandma or whatever so they can be comfortable with you. Will you stop learning this language once you break up?

    But if you guys do last, I think it's inevitable because couples learn to adjust and complement each other.

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  • The second answer is best. Change to improve is vital, but no one should feel like they have to be a different person to be loved.

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  • I don't think that you should compromise in any way unless if you or that other person is in bad shape (meaning that you're an addict or you've changed since entering the relationship and want to revert back to your old self).

    I don't believe in asking the person to change. Circumstances WILL change of course (I mean, a guy who is in a monogamous relationship can't visit a whorehouse every weekend like he used to), but that does not change his personality, just his typical behavior.

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  • A little change doesn't hurt but nothing to crazy. I believe if it is going not just gonna help your relationship , but better you as a person, than its not bad. But if your changing so much that you don't even know who you are anymore than you need to exit stage left out of that relationship.

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  • i think it depends what is your partner asking you to change on. lets be honest, for an example, like me, i used to always get upset when i dont get to talk to my boyfriend bcs of how much a clingy girlfriend i am but we had a talk about it. he told he felt like shif everytime he go out when his friends or helping his family/friends when i acted that way. when we had a talk about it, i realized how stupid i am that i made him feeling that way most of the time when he's doing something. change for the better, for the sake of the relationship. i won't call it changing, i think it's more of growing and try to be the better you. sometimes in a relationship, you can't just keep it to yourself, get it off your chestin order to have a healthy relationship.

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  • I would only change if its necessary like paying more attention to my man/women! I wouldn't change my personalilty or dreams but I would change how i treated him!

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  • Certain things I don't mind changing. Certain things I might have to change and he might have to change. Hygiene, habits, contribution. Every relationship requires compromise and ideally each person bettering himself/herself. But for big things like most aspects of personality, body parts that might not be so pretty, many hobbies, religious views, values... I wouldn't change that for someone else unless I wanted it first.

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  • only change that you see as something you want to improve on nothing that goes against who you are. sometimes people bring out pass of us that we want to build on this is positive change. other times people restrict the parts of us we like wanting to trade them for parts that they like that we dont. This is negative.

    best relationships your partner actually likes ad is comfortable with the original you. not hoping to remodel.

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  • Simple changes like cleaning up after yourself, shower more if you don't etc haha are harmless changes, but still be true to who you are.

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  • everyone naturally changes, at least a little, when in a relationship with someone they truly care about.

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  • Relationships always change you, either for better or for worse. You shouldn't let them completely overwrite you, but you should expect that you won't be the exact same person as you were before by the end of or after years of the relationship.

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  • I've changed, but for the better, and I feel like I benefited a lot from the change that happened in me because of my relationship.

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  • yes if he willing o change for me too... relations is a hard work for both...

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  • Honestly, I don't think that you should have to change for someone, if anything you should change for yourself to make yourself happy and not other people.

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  • A little change is fine. I'd hope my partner makes me a better person, to get to that stage you might have to change yourself a bit.

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  • I'm not changing for any guy just to get him to like me or stay with me. I'm surprised so many people agreed on the poll that people should change for their partners. I noticed the people who are willing to change for their partner are in relationships, perhaps because they settled and changed for their partner

    That probably explains why I'm still single because I refuse to change myself because of a person.

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  • I think you should change a little for your partner but more compromises. Also if the change benefits both people in the relationship in the long run then yes.

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  • Partner would change you and you wouln't realize that sometimes ahah

    Well, thing like smoking and stuff yea you can change it :)

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  • No relationship will work unless people can adapt to each other. This doesn't mean changing who you are, it just means making compromises.

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  • Changes are essential for relationships to work. You have to make changes in yourself to adjust with the other person. Relationship nowadays don't work cuz no one wants to change/adjust themselves for the other.

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What Guys Said 20

  • The kind of stuff you described is the kind of thing that's ok to change.

    So long as the change doesn't violate your beliefs or morality, there's nothing wrong with it. I would never expect my partner to change, but if it's something I want to change about myself, then yeah.

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  • The only reason to change is to improve yourself. If you're not changing for the better, and just changing to be more appealing to her, then don't do it, go find another girl.

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  • Voted B. I'm open to subtle, small changes, if it helps in sustaining the relationship, But I will always hold on to my core values and individuality.

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  • Maybe to improve your shitty qualities, but if you have to change everything to be with them then it definitely isn't worth it.

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  • I think change is only good if you want it too. Don't change ONLY to suit your partner. If your partner wants to change you so much why are they even with you?

    I was in a toxic relationship once where the woman I was with wanted to change everything about me. I think she only liked how I looked.. Everything else was just shit to her. It took me almost a year to realize that and break it off.

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  • No but you should change within the compounds of reason. I mean, sure, don't bend like a leaf to your partner's every whim but if there's logic in their complaints about you then there's nothing bad about adapting.

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  • My partner was very ambitious and adventurous I was pretty lazy and content with just my usual routine. She wanted me to change although never asked me to she just suggested new activities and goals for to me set but never made me feel like I had to. I decided id try to change my attitude and motivation and I'm glad I did! Although I'm still sometimes lazy and boring I made a positive change so really it depends on what it is. If it would make you happy then change is good but changing something that you don't feel comfortable or good about it is never a good idea if in the end it makes you miserable

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  • Absolutely. Changing yourself is very important and honestly if you don't grow and change with your partner then you've shit choices in partners. Which you're on GaG so you probably do.

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  • A and B.

    Because no matter how compatible someone is you'll eventually butt heads and changes will need to be made.

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  • It all depends on how far you want the relationship to last or if it's an interracial relationship so it really all depends on a few things but I truly believe that for the most part you shouldn't change the things that make up who you really are whatever those things are that is what attracted them to you

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  • The key isn't to change for your partner but to make the choice for yourself, if you can't make that choice then move on, and if you can make that choice then do and never look back because you decided your future was more important than your past

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  • Change is good, but not a complete personality inversion. I've been learning a new language as part of mine.

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  • You should change as much as required so that you'll improve as a person

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  • No. If you have to compromise a lot and change, then it's time to leave. It's not going to work out. by the way, I just want to say that you CAN'T change people.

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  • Sometimes people should change for their own benefit and sometimes a partner can be instrumental in shining the light

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  • i do what makes me comfortable , iam ready to sacrfice a little but iam going to be me and me is good actually so no problems here

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  • Change yourself only for yourself. Not for others.

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  • I think you have to help eachother to be the best person you can be

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  • I would assume that if I entered a relationship then said girl would already be quite happy with who I am. So why the need to change myself?

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  • A little change is fine. Example being I was running massive amounts of steroids and my girlfriend at the time said take it easy so I lowered my dosages lol.

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