Have you put off dating because you don't feel you're dating material yet?

I saw a myTake earlier this morning on why you should date someone still living at home. I couldn't tell if it was satire or not but the comments overwhelmingly shat all over people (guys particularly) still living at home in their mid-late 20s/30s. Now as someone still living at home in the transitional purgatory between academia and the workforce just trying to save up so I can get on my feet it got me thinking, is there any sense in trying to date when this is the perception of guys my age in my situation? But this isn't about me.

Have you put off dating or are currently putting it off because you don't feel your dating credentials are where they should be based off of societal standards? Maybe you're like me and still a basement-dweller trying to get your shit together, or maybe you're still in school, or working low income jobs or temporary contract jobs, maybe your body isn't where you want it to be, or you don't have a car.

Whatever the case may be, have you ever felt so inadequate in the eyes of society that you just threw up your arms and said, "nope. no one's gonna wanna date me because of this or that so I'll put it off for 2, 3, 5, 7 years until I get there"?

Hop on the soap box and share me your tales of woe.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Thats my current situation tbh. Thats the primary reason y im not dating.
    As for the take u read, I find it DISGUSTING that people would have a problem with guys living at home. Not everyone has the same circumstances and that should be taken into consideration. Id be perfectly fine dating him if he's got a job.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm in a similar situation as you @JSmuve ; I'm also stuck at home "in the transitional purgatory between academia and the workforce."

    When it comes to dating, honestly I've never been on a date before but now I kind of put it off because of the situation I'm in (like I have any control either ways :P). But really, I've made my peace with it; if it happens it happens, if not whatever. I'm more concerned now with finding a relevant job as a graduate.

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What Girls Said 27

  • I think people should date when they feel ready. But they shouldn't let things like weight, appearance or the fact that they live at home deter them from trying.

    Humans are never perfect. And expecting a partner to be absolutely perfect is unreasonable in my opinion. We all have our faults. The thing is, people change, and some of us are in a constant state of change.

    I recently moved back into my parents house because I lost my job and am in a transitional phase now that I have started a new job. I am saving for a house and paying off debt and basically starting over. My parents are getting older and I help them around the house with lots of stuff. I'm still quite independent. I have a car, I pay all of my bills and help my parents out as well with the bills. The previous 6 years of my life have been spent living on my own. But I had many hardships, particularly this past year I was hit pretty hard. So I'm trying to build myself back up.

    Right now I am currently actively in the dating pool. I would hope that any guy who meets me would be understanding and willing to take a chance on me. I'm a hard worker and a very nice person, I also have a lot of good qualities. But I'm not perfect.

    The guy I am interested in still lives at home. But his mom is very sick and so he's helping her out quite a bit. He's older than I am, but I don't see it as a deterrence. I like the fact that he is family oriented and cares so greatly and is willing to help out in tough times. Those are all qualities I want in a partner.

    I think sometimes people get caught up in material things and think their partner needs to have XY and Z in order to be right for them. However, things can be lost just as easily as they are built.

    When I lost my job, I was in the process of buying a house. That obviously didn't happen because of the job loss. But it hurt a lot when I lost what I wanted so badly. I thought I was finally getting somewhere and getting some independence. I have always had room-mates and it has never been an ideal situation living with other people.

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  • OK first off, I dorm think you are not dating material, just because you are currently staying with your parents. That would not sway my decision to date you or not, so Long as you are intelligent, and have the potential to be financially secure in the future. And I have seen your posts here, you are plenty intelligent.

    Now secondly, life is short! And it is a journey. You can't wait for things to fall into place before you live it. You can't be chasing a destination, cos before you know it life will pass you by. Life is here and now, and you should live it now!

    Dating is more than just a means to a relationship or marriage. It is a tool, through which you learn more about the opposite gender, interactions with them and about yourself too... how to make yourself more appealing to the opposite sex, What works for you, what are your deal makers and deal breakers etc. It helps you Develop skills that will lead you to a successful relationship. I wouldn't waste time gaining this experience... So I have never put off dating because I thought I wasn't dating material enough.

    I have however put off dating because I was getting over a past relationship or had some other priority at the time at work, or school or with family. And that's alright.

    I don't see a reason to put off dating otherwise.

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  • Have you put off dating because you don't feel you're dating material yet?
    No. In my opinion I'm not dating material because I have no loyalty/commitment/faith in my dates yet I'm still dating quite successfully in my view.

    Have you put off dating or are currently putting it off because you don't feel your dating credentials are where they should be based off of societal standards?
    No. By society's seeming standards I 'should' be passive, submissive, and self-degrading to boost male ego yet I'm not and I won't put off dating due to it.

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  • I basically learned to walk and was "dating material" I guess.

    I crush exclusively.

    I remember in 3rd grade when I was torn up inside because I was crushing on one kid in my class and I had started to crush on another one and I was beside myself for being an unfaithful crusher lol

    I've been in an exclusive, monogamous relationship almost my entire adult life. We got together 2 months after I turned 18 and it's been that way every since.

    I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with or where my life is going (decent idea) but whatever I'm doing or wherever I'm going... he and I are going to be figuring that out together.

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  • Yes, I can empathize! I wasn't allowed to date most of my life (traditional parents) but now that I've got career direction and am almost 27, I surprisingly am allowed to date but for the sake of marriage... so like serious dating. I'm totally cool with that. It's just that sometimes I feel like what you're saying, that I'm not dating/marriage material because of this or that and it gets quite nitpicky and silly at times because it'll bring out the perfectionist within me which usually hasn't been active.

    I'll have these moments where I feel like I need to make myself the best version of myself I can be before putting myself out there, and sometimes the daunting nature of such a big task dissuades me from even trying. And then there are the reality check moments where I realize I shouldn't be so hard on myself and so calculated. I do have a lot going for me.

    I think the constant flow of shallowness around us in this modern world takes a toll on us all sometimes, especially people still trying to figure their lives out.

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  • Dude, what? Are you still living in the era of formal courtship?

    If you were talking about marriage, that would be one thing. But dating, going out with a girl for fun, I mean... I can't possibly see how this could be a thing.

    My little brother lived in his car for more than a year, with a couple suitcases of clothes and a laptop. Did this stop him from macking? Oh hellllll no. He still had to beat them away with a stick, as it were.

    Basically, charisma is charisma. It is what it is, c'est la vie, bla bla bla.

    If you are feeling "inadequate" then it's easy to blame that on society, because it's always easy to deflect blame onto someone else. Even easier when that someone else is an entity like "society" that conveniently has no name, face, or ability to respond.
    Try to look within yourself and see where that feeling of inadequacy is really coming from.

    ... And even if that really *IS* (part of) the source of the feeling of inadequacy, that's still not a good thing. I mean, that's such a fragile situation, I can't imagine being with a man whose self-image depended on money. What if he lost his job and, oh heaven forbid, we had to live on my income? Would he suddenly turn into a quivering mess at my feet? Not sexy.

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    • Nah, its not me. I personally don't care that I'm still at home but the comments from women on the myTake I read got me thinking about whether THEY care that the guy's still at home because the responses were overwhelmingly looking down on a guy in that situation.

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    • xoxo.

      Out of random curiosity, do you have a thing for... prime numbers?
      ("I'll put it off for 2, 3, 5, 7 years until I get there")

      For some reason, I've always just liked prime numbers.

    • I do not. It's just coincidence.

  • I don't mind guy's not working or living at home provided they are still working on their lives. If he's at home just because he wants to play video games and eat Doritoes, then that's a red flag.

    And yes. I am putting off dating until I can get over some insecurity and other issues. I know most guys have low standards and don't really care if the girl is confident, they probably even prefer it because it's easier to manipulate and fuck over an insecure person, but I still don't want to date anyone until I resolve it.

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  • I haven't put off dating, but there's simply no interesting guys that I find. I commented on that one say that it wouldn't work for me but many women have said that they don't care where the guy lives.

    I don't think anyone should care about their situation: there is someone willing to date you no matter what. Maybe it's naivete talking, but I don't believe so.

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  • I think you put it into words. I guess I've been turning guys down because I still live at home and it doesn't feel... right? Like I feel like I'll be more receptive once I have my own place, and can come and go as I please and bring anyone back if I want to.

    So it's not always just "yeah so you can't come over because I live with my parents but I'm also not comfortable going to your place so..."

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    • Could also always stand to lose weight, but that's happening cause i want it not cause I think it matters in the realm of finding someone to date / hookup with

  • Yeah... I think I need to lose weight.

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    • What's your height and weight?

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    • ... yeah, you were right, you are indeed exactly 30 lbs overweight. Although 20 lbs would already be a huge improvement. I think it's primarily a question of diet, though, but you know that. My friend lost 30 lbs just by eating primarily chicken curry with rice and chicken wraps with some vegetables for like 3 months (without actual exercising!). The only other thing he did was that he started using a standing desk for using the PC.

    • @Mesonfielde thanks! better than how I started. lol

  • I've put off dating because I don't know how to make it happen and because I have a fatalistic attitude towards relationships.

    I think there's going to be someone out there who thinks you're dating material, and also someone who does not think you're dating material. We can't please everyone, you know? So there's not point in delaying something when you don't know when you actually will start to date again. You don't want to get used to being on your own. It gets comfortable.

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  • Just a thought, we are all works in progress. Find a girl who loves the basement dwellers despite that fact and you've probably found a pretty cool girl to go through life's hard times with.

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  • I wouldn't consider it putting it off, but I have been single for 7 years. I guess part of it is learning not to settle. And also still learning things about myself and self love and all that good stuff.

    I haven't read that Take, but now I'm glad.

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  • OMG, Yeeessss, ugh I don't feel like that ALLLL the time but I do have moments. I start to feel like nobobdy likes, they always seem to do they never ask me. I have given up bc I am tired. Guys are getting on my nerves, I don't want to make first move and when I did, he didn't say anything about just said he was sorry but he had a girlfriend, don't really like that dude but will care for him as a friend would, wish him the best. Annyyywwaayyss, all these I see don't even respect each other or in other words, ona partner disrespectful the other trying to hang on and it is just not worse it, soo I just don't feel ready... Yet.

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  • i lived some time at home after college, during which i did not date because i feared the stigma associated with living at home. good years were lost in that period.

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  • Actually I feel like im the best thing in the world for any guy who gets with me. its just that ever since my divorce. . I have zero energy to have a deep meaningful connection

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  • Yes, I can't think of the last time I felt like dating material. :/

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  • No, I haven't found any guy that has dating/bf material

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  • I put off dating because it's not something that's important and I have other things to do.

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  • Yes I have gained about 30 pounds and I am not going to attempt to date til I lose this weight. Guys do not treat fat girls well and I just can't deal with it. I'd rather just be single until I'm hot again.

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  • Yes.

    Before i got my some work done to correct damage from an illness and caught up in school (both from being sick as a child) took me five years after i turned 18 to really consider it... Even now at 23 im still not 'ready'.

    I am so used to not being comfortable dating plus having no experience it is still hard..

    I just thought it was not for me, and now i think maybe i want one but i can't really switch gears. So who knows..

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  • Yes/no. I don't date because dating might lead to something serious like a relationship and I'm not relationship material at this point in my life, in my opinion. I just graduated, I need to get my shit together before I start something. Right now the only important thing in my life is to focus.

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  • I am on that band wagon myself, guys won't date me since I have became paralyzed and right now I am kind of at that stage where I am like, "oh well, it is what it is."

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  • I honestly wouldn't care if a guy lives with his parents. As long as he is responsible doing somthing working or studying. Because I still live at home I work and study I bought my own car. But I understand that iur situations are all different. Also I would like to date somone because I have never dated. But I feel like I am not ready to give my all in a relationship. Like I need to maybe mature some more learn who I am really. All that stuff I know it may sound stupid but it's true. The guy I have a crush right now he still lives with his parents. He has odd jobs and I still like him. But I would at least like a guy that takes his job as a responsibility and doesn't expecte to pay everything.

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  • No I just casually date. Maybe I should have token myself completely off the market because all the little situations just lowered my self esteem. Most of the guys played games and treated me bad in the end

    The ones who wanted something more seriously I ignored or rejected because I wasn't ready for that and didn't want to lead them on.

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  • I've been in unhappy relationships , and I'm happy on my own but I'd love to share my life with the right guy. I believe I have a lot to offer and a lot of love to give, but my heart's on reserve for the guy I want to spe d my life with

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  • I took a break from dating after meeting so many assholes. Even though we never dated the verbal abuse was hard to get over. I had to go to therapy for other things such as me getting raped 3.5 years ago. And I never discussed what happened to me until I saw a therapist

    I really began evaluating my life and my choices in men.

    Even though I want to date I don't think I'm ready to because I'm still working on improving myself so that way I can know who I truly am and my goal is making myself happy.

    Dealing with verbal abuse makes me really careful on who I choose to date when I actually do start dating

    I live with my mom, I do not have a car and I'm currently unemployed but at the same time I believe my heart deserves to rest

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What Guys Said 26

  • I'm in the same situation as you. I'm trying to make the most economically viable decisions I can, and one of those is getting an engineering job (starts around 50-60K here) and quickly pay off as much of my school loans as possible while I still have no bills.

    Mostly I figure, if a girl thinks it is lazy or lame, they can go f*** themselves. It only makes the most sense, and I'm not going to spend so much extra money and screw myself over right off the bat just to please women.

    I have a couple girls I could potentially date, but I'm thinking of holding off unless they specifically mention interest in me, because I don't have the time to try to win someone's heart, especially if they think they don't have to win mine, too.

    So I suppose I'm waiting for someone who isn't much into the whole traditional dating stuff. There is a very liberal town near me where most of the girls are probably like this. So I might try to move up there.

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  • Man, those people are stupid! There is nothing wrong with living at home. You can safe a lot of money and if you have a girlfriend then you simply can go to her house right? I don't see the big deal. Let those people all go independent but also let them pay the (more expensive) bills. We both know who will laugh in the end. Not all people and girls think like that by the way, you can never generalize. Don't care about it man

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  • There were times in my first couple of years in college that I felt I wasn't ready for dating. I was concentrating a lot on the books of course, as you have to in college. Then I moved away to a university from the community college situation, and lived on campus, so dating was so much easier. It was easier to get to know people and form relationships and head off and do things together. // After graduating college, I moved back home for awhile and I was actually dating a woman who also lived at home. So it really was not that big of a deal that I was at home. I was employed and making decent money for the time, and we went off and did things. Living at home gave me a chance to save up some money.

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  • I live at home right now and don't consider myself dating material for other reason.

    But I still do make an effort to try and see what happens. I have been trying online dating and before I even get a phone number or ask the girl out I tell them - I live at home right now. I've just bought a place that won't be ready until the spring so I'm at home. And all of the women I've mentioned this to, they still ask me to meet up or say yes to a date. Most I am not meeting until this coming week and the one I did meet last week (she is beautiful, intelligent and independent) wants to go out again.

    I've found as long as you have a plan in terms of career and living arrangements women don't care so much if you live at home. I've been pleasantly surprised with the quality of women so far who have no issue with it

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  • Nope, the only reason I took like a 2 year break from dating is cause I was married to my family business and really didn't want to put up with a relationship.

    One of my best friend does feel that he's not boyfriend material cause he doesn't think he makes enough money which I find ridiculous.

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  • I don't care for dating anymore, if it happens it happens. I guess I have never felt like I was normal social material toI put it in a way that makes sense for the question.

    It would probably change if I had money and a successful career or something, but that's not happenning

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  • My advice don't put off dating if you getting your shit together then the girl should be understanding of that or if you slightly overweight the girl should see the potential otherwise she is close minded in my book.

    Good point with being under potential is that you filter out the shallow people.

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    • It's a good idea for people to see beyond 'what is' to 'what could be' and take both into consideration.

  • I lived on my own throughout my twenties, then lived in a dorm when I went back to finish college. I then moved back home during my last year of school, where I still live. My fiancee never left home. No point in me moving out until we get married.

    If anything living at home is a great way of weeding out the shallow, materialistic women. A good woman who is family oriented won't mind.

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  • I put dating on hold till freshman high school mostly cause all the tales you hear.

    (Long distance relationship since then still together -> now short distance.) :3

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  • keep dating. your dating life isn't a reflection on your wallet.

    for me i have my own apartment nice car great job etc etc and it doesn't change the girls at all really they still talk **** and they still sleep with you pretty easily and they still want the same things in relationships

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  • Yeah, sure, that's the reason, it's totally that ;)
    But I don't think you need to be that worried.
    I've said it a lot, there's a huge difference between someone living at home that has a job, is responsible, and is steadily saving towards moving out, and some idiot living in the basement playing WOW all day without any drive.
    Can't hurt to put yourself out there.

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  • I used to work and live at my parents before I moved to a new city and started in uni. Back then I used to get slightly lonely, but really - I was doing very good economically and saving for uni. In uni I can't be asked to date anyone, there's not a single interesting girl there, since none of them stand out. Besides, I don't even know which city I'm living in, once I'm done in uni - might move far north - so why look for someone now? Everything else are just a romance, but I haven't got the need for that really.

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  • This is why I don't pursue relationships. I don think I'm ready for one. I need to take care of some issues in my life before I even think about pursuing something like that. I'm just not ready.

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  • I definitely am. No girls my age want a guy who is living at home. I don't why girls say otherwise. They really just want a guy with his own place and I respect that. Just more reasons to hold off on dating until I feel I have more to offer.

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  • Naw braw. I am dating material and I am dating✌

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  • I've put off dating because I am fucking tired and need a nap. When I get my nap I'll date again, maybe. Depends on if I am hungry or not.

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  • I would agree that I am not dating material as of yet, and so I have not pursued any romantic relationships or opportunities.

    It will likely be 3 years before I enter into any instance of dating.

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  • I'm putting myself out there, but getting no attention..

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  • Haven't been asked out in years.

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  • I don't even really put myself out there because I don't have enough money and muscles yet.

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  • I am dating, I am not dating material, I am marriage material but unfortunately there isn't a woman alive that meets my standards and therefore I must remain single for the foreseeable future.

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  • Only had 2 girlfriends in the past so no...

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  • I completely gave up on it! You actually stated it. What better way to put it then all women are gold diggers these days. What kind of possessions does that man have, because in reality I am only interests in their possessions! Love doesn't exist anymore! You would soon learn that if you don't have the materials woman want, then they want nothing to do with you! That's okay with me. I am happy that I don't think like this. I am happy that I don't treat people like that! Its not about obeying the law, its about loving the law.

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  • "nope. no one's gonna wanna date me because of this or that so I'll put it off for 2, 3, 5, 7 years until I get there"?

    Practically what I've done. Very unhealthy mindset in my opinion. I'm turning 27 in a week and I've never even TRIED to date anyone. I just dont think everything is good enough. I keep telling myself I'll do it once "x conditions are met". I know that deep down, this is all illogical. Should just go out and enjoy life, nobody is perfect but somehow I can't convince myself of it.

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  • Whenever I'm unemployed or underemployed, I lack the self confidence to find girls to date. This year I finally got a very awesome job, I started meeting women and looked for a girlfriend and flings. But I lost my job three months later due to a few mistakes that were both within and outside my control. After that I became a social recluse whose working a really shitty job to survive. When I'm feeling my worse, I see myself as a failure and I can't imagine any girl wanting to date a guy like me

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  • Yeah, I don't date girls and choosing to stay single in my life since I'm not dating material due to having a small penis.

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    • Completely false. There are plenty of women who do not mind a man with a small penis. A woman gets the most satisfaction two inches inside of her anyway.

    • @RationalLioness Plenty of women as in 1 out of every 100 women that is.

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