How should a girl share her deepest fears/past hurts with her bf?

I would love to hear what you prefer or any bad experiences you've had sharing/listening. Thanks


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a great way to see what your man is made of. or at the very least how strong the relationship is. This is the basis of making it or breaking it. If you cannot share your deepest feelings with someone you love then who could you?
    I always read people very well so I would be able to determine if this person could handle it or even care before bringing up anything personal. However when you do find that person that is eager to support and respect your feelings then it is an automatic next level of moving forward with that person.
    I would warn you to evaluate this dudes intentions first as closely as you can. If he doesn't support you well or try to change the subject then I would kick him to the curb at that very moment. because he is not mature enough to handle real life situations and would not be a great candidate for future sources of support needed in a relationship to prosper.
    If he does handle it well then be very responsive in a grateful manner because it is very rare at your age that someone would be mature enough to handle real life issues without experiencing the same issues or some sort.
    Good luck.

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    • Thank you for your wise opinion. This was full of great insight!

    • well thank you very much that was sweet to say I hope you have an amazing experience, good luck once again

Most Helpful Girl

  • As a very emotional person, I recommend telling your boyfriend you want to tell him something about yourself and say it's serious. Reassure him you didn't cheat but you feel he needs to know about your past.
    Then write out a long ass message. Saying everything about what happened. Or get in a phone/skype call late at night and then tell him if that'll make it easier.

    I've never had a bad experience telling the ones I trust my fears and whenever I got seriously hurt. I trusted them for a reason and they almost always completely understood. If they didn't understand something I would explain until they did.

    And as the listener, I never judged. I always listened to everything they had to say and then I would either A. share a story to relate with them
    B. reassure them I understand or C. reassure them they're not alone.
    I would ask questions, I would do my best to make sure I understood exactly what they mean or what happened, how they felt/how they feel etc. I wouldn't share a story to make them think I was changing the subject to myself but I'd share so they know that I can relate with them.

    As a girl, I feel that you should just start a conversation about your fears with your boyfriend. It works easier if he's a sensitive/well listener type of guy. Tell him your fears and ask him about his. Then tell him about the time your father, mother, exbf, ex best friend or something really hurt you. Just try to connect with him while you're telling him these serious things.

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    • Lol - that's a great point! - I didn't think about making sure to reassure him I didn't cheat. And wow - that's neat you are able to take an emotionally mature point of view, fully being open and listening, as well as sharing. I like your advise - very straightforward, but caring.

    • Thank you for MHO

      and thank you. I try to be as open minded and caring, and honest as possible.

    • Good for you - that's a rare, and acquired gift! :)

What Guys Said 16

  • What most have already said I agree with.

    Defiantly do this with someone who cares about you. Opening up isn't easy so if you think they might laugh or judge, I'd not open up to them. I'd recommend opening up in a comfortable, personal space where you feel secure.

    My significant other and I have opened up almost completely now. We've gone over everything. Past relationships and what they were like/what happened, past sexual experiences in depth, past struggles we had to deal with (depression/anxiety/suicidal tendencies/etc.), and anything else that hurt. It's good to do it in steps though. I'd recommend against opening up everything at once because it can be a lot to handle in one large dose.

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  • Only do it with some one who truly cares for you (if not the person might judge you).

    I honestly feel like it's easiest to open up to a person while cuddling.

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  • What @sitdown said. You could tell him something you consider "level 2" information (kinda personal and yet some of your really good friends know) and see his reactions. All of us have fears / past hurts, only few people will get to see that side of you. One quote that I've seen is "walls aren't to keep people out, but to see who will make it to the other side."

    I don't think it's limited to age. It's more a matter of what the person has been exposed to and can learn from others.

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  • Not all at once nor when I first get into something but as I progress down the line with her I do prefer that she share such things, if she is of course comfortable doing so.

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  • while your having a nice quiet lunch with him.

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  • If it bothers you, and the boyfriend is worried about it? Yes.
    Because you should be open to talk about it

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  • You are saying that the persone you are talking to is your boyfriend so just tell him that you wan't to share your ( fears/past hurts ) with him he should understand that you need someone who listens to you.

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  • For my girlfriend its curl up like a bunny in my lap and whisper her fears and in mostly rub her hair and she's back to normal and I end up with the normal cuddle addicted girlfriend.

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    • "Addicted" is the operative word here. Think about – think about what you believe to be happening as you cut down and chop down like a tree your girlfriends self-esteem. And don't say you didn't mean it. Because it came out whether you believe it or not that's what your subconscious was thinking. And that's why I say and I repeat what I said. Boyfriend and girlfriend is not a therapeutic endeavor.

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    • @Mishii well I've got 5+ years ongoing

    • Meaning that you been with him since age 13. You're addicted.. And they called it puppy love – great song

  • Simple, sit in my lap and tell me. That way a hug from behind is possible.

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  • Be subtle..
    Like I've heard most girls do...
    If you ever do... I'll... because I fear/hate... them/it

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  • Share, but don't share a lot. .. we don't like to hear too much. ..

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  • Be honest about it.

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  • Get him to share first, then ambush him at the right time/mood

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  • My ex used to tell me about how she was bullied at school. I'd just sit and listen for the most part, occasionally reassure her, I also have strong opinions on things, especially bullies so I'd get mad about it and I think it helped her, because I think it's ok to feel angry about things that have happened to you in the past. By telling someone close to you, you share that out, so you don't have to be carrying it around all the time. That part of you which felt so much injustice for how you were treated calms down a bit when you have someone else there who now knows too and can understand your anger.

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  • Whenever you get into those conversations where things get deep. Just ask him if you can tell him something very personal to you and if he's says he want to hear it just slowly tell him your story.

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  • I shared some of my deepest insecurities with my last girlfriend and it made her lose respect for me and eventually dump 2 weeks later. There were several reasons why we broke up, but this was a catalyst. I was going through a very difficult time in my life and I had a low self esteem. I said I was a "coward" but I was just really scared of where my life was at that time. This same guy who admitted to being afraid is an ex pro fighter and now making a 6 digit income with a really good job. However it just took time and believing myself (she didn't believe in me). This after she shared all her deepest insecurities by the way.

    You can be open with him but don't be disappointed if he admits some things that make him "less of a man" to you. You might not like what you hear. My ex sure as hell didn't. I know I regret being that open.

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    • U shouldn't regret it

      It was brave of u

      She just wasn't the right woman

      Someone better is coming ur way. Im sure

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    • Hmmm... That's very interesting. Thanks for sharing... gives me something to think about.

    • Trust me I wish the gender role thing wasn't true when it comes to sexual attractiveness. It's much harder to act strong and self confident (masculine quality) than shy and submissive.

What Girls Said 9

  • Pretty directly, but only when she's the one who feels full comfortable with sharing such a private thing about herself.

    There was something that happened to me a few years back that I'm super private about. I think I've only ever told one other friend of mine about it, never discussed it with anyone else. My boyfriend vaguely knew about it but would always ask to know more. I refused to go into it because it's of course no fun to relive it, plus I find that usually giving a bit of information only makes people even more curious to know the full story.

    The other day, he asked again. Not overly pushy but for some reason I decided that maybe it was okay to share. Not the full story just yet, not all details but the gist of it. It felt better afterwards, kind of comforting to know that I can trust him fully with such information about myself.

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    • Wow - thanks for this insight. And I'm so proud of you for telling him! I can't imagine how hard that must've been. I hope your relationship can continue to grow. :)

  • I find it easier to talk about those things when both people are sharing the fears and their past. I've had no issue to just randomly talk about it though.

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  • In any way she feels comfortable. Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to let it all out to him at once, except i do and that's just me but if you're not ready yet, you don't have to but communication is key

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  • I don't normally say shit unless I am feel like bad!

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  • do it with strangers do it with people you barely know thats how i do it

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  • Your boyfriend is your boyfriend. Your psychiatrist is your psychiatrist. Unless you dating your psychiatrist I would not share my deepest secrets.

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    • Lol oh really?

    • So she should never try to reach for a closer bond with the person that is supposedly most close to her heart?

      I mean yeah get to know him 1st. But if u feel in ur gut he's trustworthy, then share things with him, asker, it will only make ur relationship better.

  • by using words

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  • I think mabye dont it may infect you're New relationship

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  • I don't feel I have to share those things

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