Hey , I read your dating profile, it seems like you got a great personality and i think you're really a beautiful women! I'd like to get together and meet you out for a date, when are you free to meet up?
Otherwise that message is alright but won't stand out from the many others she must receive. If you really want a response, make the message a lot more personal. Mention specific things you liked about her profile, and also her looks (be PG about it.) Also give a little introduction about yourself. These are the kind of messages that I respond to.
Anything that sounds copy pasted and bland (such as that) will not be very successful. Ask a question about one of their hobbies. "I see you like (thing). I also like (thing)" and then go into details about it.