How do you reach a sense of physical desirability?

To those who at times feel (physically) undesirable, how do you cope with it? What do you do to get rid of that feeling; how do you (re) gain that sense of desirability?

To those who are single and feel sufficiently or abundantly physically desirable, how did you get into that state? What sources do you have or use to keep that sense of desirability?

I'm aware there are likely very different ways to approach it for men than there are for women, but I'd like to know and hear about it from all perspectives.
I'm also aware that it's often assumed or expected men don't have a need to feel desirable, but please humour me.


What Girls Said 1

  • I've bee /felt undesirable for years and now sort of changed sides, so I know both parts.
    First of all, you actually need to have something attractive about you. You dont need to be beautiful or perfect by any means, but you need something to work with. Get rid of ugly things easy to get rid of (like bad smell or hair growth), maybe start working out a bit.
    You also need to realise your good traits. Do you have a lovely smile? Nice legs? A special hair colour? Try to focus on those, both for confidence and to make others notice those more too.
    Next, be social and outgoing. This is a tricky but important one. For me the best way to achieve it was 'fake it till you make it'. Too shy to step up to random people and start a conversation? doesn't matter. Do it anyways. Start with someone who's not that important to you so you can fuck up. You will probably fuck up quite a few times, but that's okay. Just go to the next one. You'll grow better and more comfortable over time.
    Try to really be interested in other people, smile a lot, make eye contact and be nice in general. You dont always have to be nice to everyone, still stay true to your ideals, boundaries and personality. That way you're more likely to find like-minded people. For example I have a dark sense of humor, which is okay since it makes like-minded people like me more.

    Not everyone has to love you straight away. You dont have to be perfect. It's okay to have anti-social moments or to look messed up and overslept every now and then. Feeling ashamed of your own imperfections won't help anyways, it will only weigh you down and make you less attractive. The good things about you matter and you are good as you are. Realise that, you'll look vibrant, approachable and desirable when happy in your own skin.

    • My problem is mostly a lack of a sense of physical desirability.
      I'm outgoing, am genuinely interested in getting to know people, even though I see myself as average overall I'm confident in it (I used to have to fake confidence, but not anymore since some years), I've got body language and social cues (the not-romantic ones) covered.
      I make friends surprisingly easily, and I'd like to think I'm often deemed likable as I get invited to private parties of people I just acquainted.
      However, as I'm only average looking and lacking the skill to detect "signs" or "hints" that women may or may not give (too many turn out false positives even for friends who do know how to spot hints), for all I know my potential stops at friendship material.
      It doesn't help my only past relationship was with a woman who hated sex (which I thus not pursued when we were together), leaving me internalizing it as an issue on my end physically.

      Thank you, very useful for those who'd feel mentally undesirable.

    • Show All
    • Good point, and just "sexy eyes" can easily be ignored by the woman if not interested without making her feel uncomfortable unless I was to continuously do that without reciprocation/reaction or something, I reckon.

    • Indeed!

What Guys Said 1

  • If I can't change or fix it, I just stop worrying about it. More importantly, I learned that my looks do not define who I am. My experience, knowledge, work ethic, drive, and job is more defining of who I am than just my looks. On the outside, I just look like a teenage kid and often people who don't know me will treat me as such. However, when I wear my work uniform, people have a different attitude because of the positional authority that I have. Regardless of my looks, I have to be confident in me because there are people who depend on me to make decisions. You may not yet be in a positional authority, but that doesn't matter. It's about believing in you and championing your brand. You must have something to offer to this world.

    • I find personality much more important than looks as well. It's personality and actions in general that define how well one can interact with others. Looks are just an extra.
      As I said to the answer of female anonymous, I've got most of the actual important stuff covered.

      I used to simply shrug off and not worry about physical desirability, but as of late I can't help wonder if I'm just too ugly after all for anything romantic. For instance, I have yet to meet a woman who's interested enough in me for more than acquaintanceship to walk up to me. Supposed signs are not clear, either.
      I find myself tempted to make a photo of myself to get rated online while I'm normally the kind of person avoiding such things as photos make me look even worse and out of paranoia someone might recognize me, that's how bad it is now.

      I'm confident that I'm a good friend for people and a genuinely nice person, and wouldn't trade that for looks, but I can't see myself date with mere friendship to offer.

    • You make some good points regardless though, thank you. I'm sure it's of use to some readers with insecurity issues over looks but unaware of how important a good personality is for day-to-day life.