So one of my sons (he is 23) has always had problems with girls--all of his friends and brothers have had several girlfriends whereas I don't think he's even been on a good date.
When his mother and I asked him if he was seeing anyone he told us that he was done with trying and that the pain and effort of trying for so long just wasn't worth it. To make matters worse his brothers have made fun of him by jokingly asking him if he is gay. He is much less emotional and much more quiet, reserved, and sullen then before and it seems to get worse during holidays when the family comes over and spouses and girlfriends are also there, which I gues smakes sense since he is reminded of what he's missing. He seems to be withdrawing into his computer.
I don't know why he's had trouble, but we're looking for a way to help him without being ovebearing, annoying, or embarrasing. Our eldest son said that recently he was really into a girl and thought the girl also liked him, but it turned out that he was just a backup plan at best and that the girl is now dating another guy instead. We think that this combined with the other rejection has hurt him and possibly made him depressed. Is there anything we can do that would help him move on, or should we just accept his decision and leave him alone?
People, before you comment about the age thing, just realize that you're not required to enter in your real age. I enter in fake information to keep my privacy and protect my identity in case the account gets hacked.
Lol people are still hung up about the age thing. I guess nobody has realized that you don't have to put your actual age on here. Its clearly impossible to make a new account with a different age, you guys got me. Since I can't lie about my age I'm obviously the son age 18-24. I mean come on people, get real, be serious.
A relationship is not going to make your son happy. If he is depressed now, he will be depressed in a relationship. Maybe not right away, but in the end, depression is a way of looking at the world. Different circumstances don't change depression.
What your son needs is to find himself. Whether through therapy, or developing a skill, but certainly by accepting himself as an individual and recognizing the strengths that he can bring to the world. He needs to understand the benefits of being single and live life to the fullest.
That will not only make him a happier person overall, but it will make him much more desirable to women. Depressed guys are mysterious and intriguing for a while, but too much baggage to be boyfriend material.
As a parent, it is imperative that you convey to him that he has just as much worth as his siblings despite not having a girlfriend. A fact he probably "knows" but might need to hear from time to time. As a young single, I am constantly asked by the older generation if I am dating or interested in anyone, but not everyone is meant to be with someone. I would much rather be asked about my latest endeavors, and maybe encouraged in other areas of my life.
You have got to lay off of your son. How will he ever get any confidence if his own family thinks poorly of him. And trust me, from what you wrote, it's sounds like he is very aware of how you guys feel. He sounds introverted and if you don't know what that is. It would be in your best interest to find out.
I lived most of my life with my family not knowing, including myself, that I was introverted. So even to this day, I often feel awkward around my own family because I never felt like I fit in and they always made me feel self conscious of myself by saying things like "why are you so quite" "why don't you ever talk to us. Do you hate us." The list is endless.
The best thing he can probably do is work out and lift weights (if he doesn't already). Not so he can look different, but because it can build up self confidence, relieve stress, and motivate. I don't know if you can talk/encourage him to do it. But if you can afford it, buy him a bench, bar, and curl bar. The Olympic style.
Yeah I'm betting you're the son here. But either way here's my advice..
Depression is an illness. If he's really depressed then he needs to see a doctor and maybe get on meds.
He doesn't sound like the most socially adept young man. He should gain confidence in some way (take up a hobby, learn a skill, go to school if he hasn't yet). And you could teach him a thing or two about being a good man - after all you've been on this earth for like 50 years right? And if nothing else, see if he can meet someone online. My older brother was the most socially awkward person and never had much interest in girls, and then a couple years ago he fell in love with some girl on the internet and now they're married.
If he's really done trying though, you can't force him. But the depression meds might help with the lack of interest.
Maybe encourage him to get out more and just tell him to hang out with friends until he finds a girl he likes out of them. He could also try online dating I guess (never tried since I'm only 14). Just try to get him out of the house and get him active. Try to get him to volunteer for something or join some sort of club thing in your area. He's still got plenty of time and much more of life to experience... Wait why can I give other people advice but then not be able to follow my own lol. Anyway hope I helped even if it was a tiny bit, Sorry if I didn't and best luck to you and your son :)
Lol I am so confused as to why people are so harsh with your question :/ I feel like what you are doing is so sweet though. It is nice as parents you are both concerned :) Unfortunately I have no suggestions without knowing more about him. These days you have to put yourself out there if you want t o find someone else and learn some detachment skills until it is clear that is worth it to invest in someone and that goes for both males and females. In addition he needs to work on his bravery and confidence, confidence is so attractive to a female men do no have a clue, actually they might because confidence is very attractive to men as well lol. It is a universal attractive quality,, if he likes himself someone will like him as well. But for now he should be more social and if possible try to boost his confidence, that might help give him a push. Good luck! ^_^
I think the best you can do is just be there for him. Maybe talk to his siblings and let them know he's having a hard time and maybe to just support him as a family. I don't mean to try to find him dates! I've been there and can't imagine much worse than my family feeling so sympathetic that they try to set me up. What he probably needs more than anything right now are things to focus on that are interesting outside of dating. Nothing can kill your dating potential faster than trying too hard. Women and men are attracted to those who have interests beyond who they are going to date. Maybe urge him to find activities that interest him. The last thing you should do is try to help him find a partner. Nothing says "I'm pathetic" more than a family member trying to set up a date for a guy. It's like final proof that he's incapable. Hope this helps.
Ask your other sons to help him out. They make fun of him and you don't say anything to them? What kind of a dad are you? If this continues, he may develop a hatred about women. If he has a career set, he will find a wife but that hatred of women will fuck him up. You have dated before, teach him, advise him.
Look at the MGTOW community and the work of doctors Warren Farrell and Helen Smith.
If it makes you feel any better, it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do to change it. This is the way the world is now.
Sex, relationships, and especially marriage are all losing conditions for men these days.
Your son instinctively knows that if he ever has sex or even expresses a sexual opinion that he's going to be branded a rapist by someone, and if there's ever a disagreement between him and his girlfriend, the entire world is going to come down on her side and hold him in account for everything.
Have you even opened your eyes and looked at the world in the last 30 years?
You should explain to him what makes men attractive to women. There are some guys who are any number of things that can make a man unattractive to women, and it is much harder to be an attractive man than it is to be an attractive woman.
For a guy to be attractive he needs to have a good physique, confidence, good social skills, and have money. Take a look at the areas your son can do better in and explain to him that, if he improves in those areas he will get the female attention he wants.
It is less about him trying to pick up women and more about women noticing that he is a stud. Guys generally don't get to pick which women they date, women do that, then make themselves available to be asked out.
as a son with an overbearing mother ill say anything you do will only hurt him in the long run. Leave him alone so he learns how to not depend on his mother. My guess is you're a major cause of this problem and if he thinks so too will only cause resentment. I repeat do not do anything. Also every girl my mother has hooked me up ended in complete embarassment
Teach him about sex and flirt with girls. Actually show him how you do it. The blind lead the blind. Lessen here is not about getting girlfriend, is about having fun? It's fun chasing girl and flirt with them and get them naked. If you can teach that to him, he will get a girlfriend no time.
Just leave him alone. He's not a child anymore and although you have good intentions by trying to help, you're not doing him any favors in the long run. He has to learn to be a man on his own or with peers on this one.
Let me guess, that was to confuse anyone that might try to hack ya
he just needs a girl i was in a worse state than him until i get my first girlfriend then i got confident as fuck and got back on my feet , i started to realize that women want me and i should try to get me some , sure it doesn't always work , we broke up and iam single now waiting for my next opportunity but my point is , your son needs a girlfriend and it can be tough trust me i know from experience !! its not as easy for some guys to approach women , in my case all the women i have an interest in and they give strong signs of attraction end up being in a relationship so it kinda discourged me from trying harder , also sometimes you're in a situation where are simply no girls around you can date , i've been there and it sucks , the best bet is to make him act normal again and hook him up with one of your other sons GFs friend
How many male friends does he have? Does he hang around much with other guys?
Does he work out? Does he do any martial arts?
These things would help his dating live a lot, in the long run.
The entire approach of being really into a girl for a long time and thinking she likes you then finding out she doesn't - girls not liking you happens all the time. It's the approach that's the problem. He shouldn't be investing emotional energy in girls till he knows they like him. TBH, with most girls nowadays, if they're not fooling around with him, they're not into him. He's gotta view girls as interchangeable possibilities until they are doing a lot more back.
It's a classic mistake for inexperienced guys to fall into. The problem is he's never had a girl who was trying to move things along, so the lack of that didn't signal to him her lack of enthusiasm.
The trouble is feminist society.
Your son is doing a GREAT job. It's much better to be single these days than with a modern woman. Make sure you tell him that
Instead of being a disgusting feminist and making him feel like there's something wrong with him because he doesn't have a girlfriend.