How do I get out there and start dating?

Okay, little bit to know about me: I can't socialize. I'm terrible at making friends. But I've had way too many bad experiences from going online, so how am I supposed to meet anyone? I recently moved to a new area and have no friends near me. I go to college but, again, I don't know how to be social. I don't really have any hobbies (except reading, but that's kind of a hard way to make friends)... How do I date if I can't even talk to people?

Updates:
Update: I did some research and found out my college doesn't have a book club, so while I appreciate that suggestion, it's not going to help. I also found out the only book club in my entire city is for elderly retired women. Sadly, this means I'm out of clubs to join (seriously, I have no hobbies. At all).

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings - and this is partially due to my psych degree and partially due to experience, as I was never an outgoing person - but you have to start socializing FIRST. You have to improve this element of life before you start the toughest and most complex of all interpersonal human relationships (i. e., the romantic type).

    There's not a "right" way to do it, either. You just have to put yourself out there and try to make a few friends. I would suggest getting involved in some sort of activity at college that you enjoy; it's a great way of meeting like-minded people that, who knows, might have the same issues you do. And FAR better than crazy, hectic parties.

    Your last question is the kicker: You CAN'T date if you can't even talk to people. It just won't work. You have to start the talking first and I guarantee it'll lead you where you want to go, maybe without you even realizing it. At the very least, if you can start making a few friends here and there, there will come a time when this question you just asked will seem silly to you. Because even if it doesn't come entirely naturally, it'll still come. You just have to work at it a little. :)

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    • Okay, as someone with a psych degree, let me ask you this: is there any reason I'd be terrified of talking to strangers? Because I sometimes can't breathe properly just thinking about it. I really need to work on it, and I'm trying, but I had to talk about myself before class and I honestly had to spend a few minutes taking deep breaths just so my voice wouldn't shake.
      Also, I would love to join clubs. However I have no hobbies other than reading. I've tried getting into different things but there doesn't seem to be anything I really enjoy...

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    • That speech with you at school, was it just an attempt to show empathy and gain the asker trust because by relating?
      Either way... great job! 😉

    • @mikemx55 Not at all. That was indeed me. :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • i have the same problem! however, you can try new things and maybe you'll find new hobbies. you can try to talk to people who goes to your college and start a simple conversation with them ( just smile and be friendly) and be confident ( i know this can be hard but just imagine your acting or something) and im sure everything will go well! good luck

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What Guys Said 22

  • 1. It's easy to talk to other people. Keep asking them questions about themselves.

    2. One reason that a movie is a good first date, especially for someone like you, is that you don't need to talk for 2 hours, then you can talk about the movie.

    3. You know how to talk to people. You probably just have some anxiety that blocks you when you feel pressured. Repetitive experience will help.

    4. Go on double dates with another couple. Watch how the other couple interacts.

    5. I looked at your profile picture. Those glasses are not flattering, at all. Take them off and you are drop-dead gorgeous!

    6. Think about what kind of guy you would like to date and then contemplate what type of things they might be interested in. When you're with the guy, tell him you've started developing an interest in college football or whatever it is and ask him to explain some things to you. Most guys love having an opportunity to show their competency in an area.

    7. Join a service organization that gives you opportunities to do productive things while having social interactions with others.

    Good luck!

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  • There's I have a very similar background. I didn't even lose my virginity until the late age of 24.

    I spent my whole life absorbed in my studies and hobbies. I had no idea how to talk to people. Someone might say "hi" to me only for me to barely notice, "Huh, what? Oh, hi."

    Then I'd obsess over how poorly I responded to that greeting for the rest of the day and possibly even longer after that.

    Anyway, what changed all of this is kind of bad, but it might be appropriate for your background. I ended up being pressured into the most foreign environment known to me after university -- the night club. Crazy lights, music, people dancing (sometimes stupidly), endless alcohol. At first I panicked, but my friends got me drinks to calm my nerves. I drank and drank and then could start joining in the debauchery. And then with alcohol came friends and a lot of loose women.

    The women I met in these establishments weren't exactly relationship material (even though I tried to make into ones), but I got "experience" out of it. Lost the pesky virginity, overcame my fears talking to women, and over time without any liquid courage (had to ween myself off the alcohol, as it was becoming a crutch).

    Then through networking like crazy (meeting friends of friends of friends and attending every social event), I finally met my wife, settled down, got married.

    So anyway, normally this might be horrid advice, but it might be suitable for your situation. If you want to get thrust in this alien setting which will force you to become a bit social, force you to kind of quickly get the hang of flirting and talking to the opposite gender, maybe scoring some dates (but not necessarily with husband material), the night club and bar setting might be a speedy boot camp, exposing you to all the naughty stuff we skipped out on in school.

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    • make into ones/make them into ones. Note that I'm not suggesting you find dates in a night club, but more treat that like a rapid training facility to build up some of those social skills quickly. It's an establishment that will thrust you in the middle of a whole bunch of people.

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    • That's true. I guess my biggest thing is no one asks me to do anything either, and I'm not a good instigator.

    • You might be able to find someone similar to yourself in, say, an English literature course. Maybe it'd be the best time to build up your courage and try to ask an enthusiastic student in such a course to study together (female, or more ambitious, male). They might also know of organizations and clubs for people with similar interests. A key aspect of networking is that it branches out like crazy. You only have to make a handful of connections to start becoming exposed to a wide range of people.

  • Talk to people in your classes. For instance, at the end of a class, ask someone (guy or girl) what they think about what was just taught or about the homework assignment or whatever related to the class.

    The point is that all relationships start with having something in common. Since you are in college, you have your classes in common with the fellow students in that class. From there, you will easily make friends and possibly even a boyfriend. Lord, I cannot help but look at your picture and be reminded of a statistics class that I took in Spring 1985. I sat next to a girl who looked just like you and I am sure that she probably sensed how turned on I was about her. I didn't do anything because I already had a girlfriend and was about to graduate, but, if I had been available...

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  • Ok look, you're a really cute girl which gives you a high value in the dating marketplace and you probably have a bit more wiggle room with regards to how much you can afford to screw up.

    First thing you can do is find a guy who seems quiet and trustworthy and ask him out to a movie.

    Most of your date will be spent in silence just enjoying each other's company.

    After a few movie dates, you can go to dinner after a movie and talk a bit. If you can't get the conversation rolling on more personal matters just talk about the movie. What you liked about it, what you disliked, it's okay to disagree with his opinion just don't be argumentative about it. Other suggestions for what to talk about: reading, video games, TV shows, where you used to live, how you've handled the move.

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    • Just because she a cute girl is not a reason for her to have a high value i in the dat ing marketplace and you shouldn't and don't have to be cute to have a high value in the dat ing marketinkovÄ›.

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    • You walk up to them, say hi, introduce yourself if you don't know each other, tell them you think they're cute and you were wondering if you could go see a movie together. It can be done in 20 seconds.

    • It's a good idea to do this when nobody else is around.

  • You have to learn to get outside your comfort zone. Do it in small increments and gradually you'll become more comfortable with it. Don't shock your system all at once. You're cute so you have that going for you. I'd say try to make friends before trying to date. Those social skills will really help when you try dating.

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  • Your pretty enough. Sure you aren't aloof or anything? Making friends is easy. Treat them like a friend before you start talking to them even. Just dive in. Normal people react well to it. The assholes don't. If a man likes you he'll do all the work anyway. Just look interested and encouraging. He'll be after one thing at the start but it's up to you to use that one thing wisely to keep him hooked. Don't be a diva though. Need to strike a balance between being a tart and being frigid. Either one will kill any chance of a decent relationship. Trust me it's easy for women to get men. Not so easy keeping one though.

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    • Honestly I may be. I have no idea. I don't intentionally make myself distant, but maybe I have a resting bitch face or something?
      I don't have an issue with keeping a guy, I just have issues getting one in the first place.

    • Nah you look friendly enough. You probably just don't put yourself out there. You don't have to put any effort in hardly. Just be in the right place. Guys my age were always annoying the girls when we were young. They enjoyed it too. Most of us were gentlemen about it. I never knew of a girl that had to chase a guy. They could just pick and choose. A lot of guys have got no balls these.

  • I'm in the same position as you, and I'm an introvert so meeting women amongst big crowds of people is nearly impossible for me. For me personally I use online dating, although I actually think it's harder for women to find a decent guy from there. So if online dating isn't your thing, I would try volunteering, maybe joining a book club (not sure how many guys are there though), or just taking up some classes that might be of interest to you. Maybe some classes at a local gym

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    • It depends what online site you use too. Some are terrible

  • Therapy. Seek psychological therapy. I've been in the same situation for the last four years and I couldn't figure out the answer.

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    • I agree. Sounds likes a case of social anxiety, which impacts her physiologically, which could be brought on by her life experiences or her genetics.

    • I'd probably consider it if I wasn't pretty much broke...

  • If you like to read... why not see if there is a book club? You would meet people that enjoy reading, like yourself.

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  • You break out of your shell and consciously put yourself in situations you don't like. You will eventually learn to not care about so much what other people think about you.

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  • You have to get out of the mind set that you can't socialize. It's all in your head. When you're in class start talking to people next to you about their classes, major, where they went to high school, etc. Take baby steps and once you think your ready to talk to your crush, just go and do it. Whats the worst that could happen? If you run out pf things to say just say "See ya next class" or something along those lines.

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  • Pass a nice smile to a confident guy
    And he'll approach you you're pretty!!
    This is the simplest way:p

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  • I'll be your friend :)

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  • Be friendly
    Enjoy
    Smile
    Have fun 🎉
    You look cute so guys will definitely approach you :P

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  • Omg, I was in the same boat as you. I couldn't be social to others but I notice that it was a cause from one of the side effects from one of my medications. I switched my meds and I am a social butterfly.

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    • You're adorable! Take off those glasses and guys all over the world will want you! Forget the nightclubs and bars!

    • I don't really take anything so I don't think it's that... And I happen to need my glasses seeing as I can't see without them and I've had negative reactions to contacts before...

  • Mixed activities. I play Utimate frisbee and the kids always hang out with each other after

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  • Grow some balls and do it man

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  • I have the same issue with girls

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  • do u have a crush

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  • You need to have study sessions with a guy. Start out meeting at the library, and you will read your books, and he will read his. And then you take study breaks, where you go to the lobby, wherever and have a chat.

    Take deep breaths to quell anxiety, it works very well. Inflate your torso with air as slowly as you need to, even 5 of these will make a difference. I would suggest thinking of what makes you anxious and then take those breaths.

    Anyway, I didn't know about the library/study break method until one day after class a girl suggested we meet at the library to do homework (not together, just our own independently). So pick a guy in your class that you think is cute, a little nerdy.. Someone who answers questions and poses insightful ideas in class (I'm just describing myself); someone who likes to talk about what they read in books and wouldn't shy away from the library... And ask them after class. Just blurt out doyouwanttomeetatthelibraryforstudying or doyouwanttostudywithmeatthelibrary or whatever.

    We met, found places to study and then alas, she came over to me and asked if I wanted to take a study break. We went to the lobby, found a table and then talked for a while. A very non-threatening way to practice talking a bit? Honestly I'm now realizing this method would work without even having the studybreak talks. I think this approach will give you a lot of options that you can handle. Find out if he has a girlfriend or not.

    We returned to our respective homework places, took another study break after a while. I think we actually hooked up that night but that's not what you shall do.

    You and the guy shall arrange to do it again, and then a third time.. Maybe fourth or fifth you suggest you study at his or your house. Ask if it will be quiet there (no interruptions from roommates), or say you know it will be quiet at your place (no interruptions from roommates). Anything goes.. You could ask to study break, for him to show you where he sleeps. Honestly, this is all just get to the point where you're making out and it will be easy from there. You could sit on his bed and you could gesture for him to sit beside you. Totally ok for a girl to do this. If he's not getting the idea, grab the front of his shirt and pull him towards you. Allow him to touch your body, butt, boobs, but stop him (pull his hand away) if he tries to touch you anywhere else.

    Once you and him have done that, you aren't going to be shy around him anymore, dating will be np

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    • This is actually not a bad idea. I'm not looking to hook up, though the rest makes sense!

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    • OH my mistake! I was referring mostly to the end part about going to his room. But yes, the idea makes sense. Lucky for me, I may have a class I need help with, so thank you!

    • Enjoy :)
      <3<3<3

  • You're a very pretty girl. Usually women like you never struggle with dating.

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    • Pretty girls are very intimidating. She wants someone but guys think she doesn't want anyone. They think she's too good for guys or some shit like that.

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    • Oh. Well. Very clearly, I'm single. Is there a way to make that more obvious?

    • You gotta talk to men or else they'll assume you're taken.

  • Well your not ugly so maybe a guy will approach you, but you really need to learn how to socialize , maybe you should learn some new interests if you can

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What Girls Said 6

  • On most colleges are reading clubs where you talk about books and discuss them. Wouldn't that be a great way to start with interaction in which you are comfortable?

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    • she's super right^
      find a mellow club to join. I'm sure their are a whole lotta others that feel your way too

    • That would honestly be perfect... except I'm in community college and they don't seem to have anything like that. I do like that idea though. Might have to see if there's anything in the area!

    • ^ it's the same thing. They both have similar academics. One is critical thinking and one is hands on.

  • Well join a club? Anything your intersted would be great so you can make friends and than boys that are boyfriend material!

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  • Omg school makes things so much easier!!

    I'm shy too and people didn't talk to me unless I made the effort.

    Dress nice so guys will approach you

    Talk to students around you about the class and don't be afraid to raise your hand in class (people will notice you more)

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  • I feel the same way. I'm not good at socializing. Yes I have friends but that does not mean I'm a social butterfly. I go out with my friends. Let me know if you figure it out

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  • Follow groups on fb that's Assoicated with your college. Also start attending events in your area. Etc

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  • read my mytake it will help

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