Why am I spineless when I talk to women?

Everytime I plan on telling the girl I like that I like her, I end up chickening out. This isn't the first time either. I got nervous asking out my crush to prom in high school and almost didn't go through with it. When I asked her out, I couldn't do it in person so I did it over text and she said no. Could that be why I can't do it now?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You are just shy and lack confidence, it's not weird, lots of guys have that problem... it's just fear of rejection.

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    • Got any tips for overcoming it?

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    • Asker, thank you for MHO :)

    • lol chic, I wasn't interfering or bashing, I agreed on a point you made. Rather than copy and paste, piggy backed on your reply.

      FYI. The added opinion was aimed at the guy with the problem not on your opinion.

      You got MHO anyway

Most Helpful Guy

  • First, don't tell girls that you like them. It's kind of a selfish act, and it's a high-risk move. It's even worse if you do it through text, since you can't measure her feeling (it's easier to do it when she's kissing you and snuggling up with you, e. g.). Only way that usually works is if the girl already really liked you, otherwise she might try to shut the door in your face.

    Just ask them out, spend time together, and let those feelings grow for each other (or not, it may fizzle out, no biggie, move on to next girl).

    Second, the reason people get afraid here is because they've developed too strong of an emotion and hope of success, become too tied to outcomes. It's like if you married the woman in your dreams, your dreams are completely misaligned from reality. That's too much pressure to try to make your dreams real with some girl you barely know.

    In those cases, people always want to look for signs that the other person likes him/her, because they're trying to get a better idea of the odds to work up the courage to do anything. People turn into cowards when they perceive a low success rate and are terrified of negative outcomes. They become braver if they think they have a high success rate but are still terrified of the negative outcomes.

    The secret: people who don't get spineless and can just casually talk to a supermodel *don't care* that much about outcomes. If they ask her out and she says she's busy, no big deal. They didn't marry her in their head, they like her a little bit, but whatever -- on to the next girl. Embrace this attitude and you'll no longer be all awkward around the opposite gender, and you'll even be able to have a number of female friends who think you're a great guy without some kind of odd tension there.

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    • Also it helps to stay in reality zone. It's easy to think you know some girl better than any guy with whom you've never even slept with, but that's falling in love with a fantasy. It's even to not like some beautiful girl with a great personality that much if you stay rooted in reality, not in your imagination, and realize that you can't possibly know someone you're not even dating already that well. Trying asking girls out sooner, act on small feelings instead of huge ones you've developed.

    • [...] It's even [/ordinary] [...]

What Girls Said 5

  • No that girl who said no, probably wasn't interested. But you get like really shy before your crush, maybe you should start practising on talking to us, small talk something, doesn't have to be with people you know
    We're not going to bite

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  • The worst thing anyone can say is "no", but nothing changes and nothing is lost. Keep that in mind, but you also need to prepare for what's going to happen if she says "yes". Plan ahead.

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    • I've been planning ahead for a while. And I'm worried she won't want to be friends anymore

    • You don't know, what you don't know. Find out.

  • you're shy. just face the moment and do it.

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  • No she probably just wasn't that into you..

    Her loss, eh?

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  • well you could have developed some sort of

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What Guys Said 14

  • First off, you probably shouldn't tell girls that you like them right off the bat. Nothing wrong with complimenting them, but expressing any deep sentimental or emotional feeling before you're dating is a bad move.

    Second, you chicken out because rejection sucks. It's painful and embarrassing. It's easy to become content with keeping the relationship you have with girls the way they are instead of pursuing something more and risking it blowing up in your face. The problem is playing it safe and not asking can be just as bad as asking and getting turned down. You still end up being alone. So why not try asking them out and seeing what happens? At least that way you can move on to someone else if they turn you down. Also, ask them on dates in person if possible, it's more personal and more likely to turn out in your favor.

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    • Well I've known her for years, so it's not like I'm just coming up to a stranger and saying it. It's not like I love her or anything, it's just that I'm saying that I want to tell her that i'm attracted to her.

  • Never tell anyone how you feel. Feeling are meant to be felt and express. Express how you feel for her.
    This biggest mistake people make is confessing. You aren't supposed to tell someone what you feel in your heart with your mouth. That's so primitive. Try to make her feel special, try to do special things for her, gestures that you won't do for anyone else. Spend time, lean in for a kiss when the moment is right. She'll get the signal.

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  • Maybe its that or maybe you don't have the experience and confidence. You probably overthinking too which is normal, trust me..

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  • You lose cool because you are getting ahead of yourself and are afraid of rejection. It's your attitude that makes you chicken out, you regard her as superior to you while you don't even know anything significant about her. Something needs to change.

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    • Actually I know quite a bit about her. We took Russian together for 2.5 years, which involved everyone in the class really getting to know each other

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    • I'm not scared of her, I'm scared of ruining our friendship if she rejects me

    • and that's why you fail.

  • Why are you trying to tell a girl that you aren't yet dating that you like her anyway?

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    • I mean have feelings for, not that I love her or anything. It shows that I have an interest in her and may lead to a relationship

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    • We've already been friends for years and I think she has picked up the few signals I've given out (I can't flirt, I'm more analytical than emotional) and she has given some back, so it's not like it's out of nowhere

    • Then man up and ask her out. She'll know that you like her then. As I said, don't took about feelings until you've been on a few dates.

  • It's probably a fear of rejection.

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  • Fear of rejection, which unfortunately is more common in guys since society has hardwired us to pretty much always be the one to make the first move not the other way around/

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  • Sounds like a standard social phobia. It's much more common than you think. Just take a deep breath and do it, son.

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  • I was too for twenty eight years, unless I was drunk - but even then until I was about 26

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  • Because you are a little boy.

    Don't worry, older guys like me are happy to take out the girl you have a crush on.

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    • You don't know me. I've always been more mature than people my age, I just have issues in this one area. Do you think it makes you more of a man to pick on someone for their insecurities? It would seem to me like you are still trying to live your glory days. On that note, have a good day

    • Right, I don't know you, but I do know that if you had years more experience (in other words, if you were older), you wouldn't be asking the question. You may think you know everything, but you are closer to knowing nothing.

    • I'm not claiming I know everything, and you're right about the experience. Why do you feel the need to insult me? If you aren't trying to I can understand but couldn't you have said all this another way in order to actually teach me?

  • Because you need to grow some balls and get some self-confidence
    That's why

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  • Stop saying/thinking you can't do it bro don't be scared girls don't bite but they do bitch so keep that in mind...

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  • this is how you fix it
    ask for sex

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  • I don't know. If you get an answer, let me know. I have those moments, too.

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