- Turn him/her into bacon, because cannibalism isn't only humorous, it's also nutritious...6% (2)27% (4)13% (6)Vote
- Cry about there not being any more bacon until there was more bacon...25% (8)7% (1)19% (9)Vote
- Eat a vegetable, because they're defenseless, and cannibalism is fan-flippin-tastic...9% (3)0% (0)6% (3)Vote
- Go to my secret bacon stash12% (4)33% (5)19% (9)Vote
- Tell him/her it was fine, and i didn't even want any bacon, and then murder him/her in the middle of the night3% (1)0% (0)2% (1)Vote
- Trick him into eating his/her parents (i cannot stress this enough: cannibalism is the answer to all of life's problems...)6% (2)0% (0)4% (2)Vote
- Other39% (12)33% (5)37% (17)Vote
Most Helpful Girl
I would play it cool. After all, bacon is a renewable resource. So long as we have hogs to slaughter, we'll have bacon. No big deal. It's just meat.
Then... I'd wait.
Days, weeks, maybe a few months. Long enough for the even to be mostly removed from my partner's memory. Then I'd do it.
Gradually, I'd begin to replace their posessions with strips of cooked bacon. Small things at first. Stuff they wouldn't normally notice. Rings, pens, hats. I'd work my way up until they couldn't turn around without finding a cold, rubbery piece of pan fried pork. Their nostrils would be assaulted by the cured salty odor until they couldn't take it anymore. They'd start the day lying on a pillowcase made of woven bacon. Slide their feet into bacon slippers. Slog into the kitchen for some bacon tea with a side of bacon fried bacon. Pull their exhausted, high blood pressure afflicted body into the bathroom and slather shower gel all over their naked body. Cut of course, with bacon grease.
Their whole life would be bacon. To the point where they'd sooner jump in front of a moving train than bring another crispy strip to their cracked, quivering lips.
Eventually, I'd draw the curtains on my charade, let him fall into a defeated, applewood smoked husk into my arms.
Finally, I'd whisper into his ear.
"Don't eat my fucking bacon."4
Most Helpful Guy
Go to fridge.
Take slices of ham.
Throw it on a pan. Cook it.
Call it Canadian bacon.
*internally crying silently, but in denial*