Are my standards too high?

I have certain dealbreakers, like I'll only get with a guy that has a third level education, loves animals and isn't covered head to toe in tattoos. I also need someone who's caring, kind and passionate.

I've only ever been with two guys in my life who met these standards. The first is my now ex and we broke up because he wanted to just focus on his career (among other things) and the second we broke up because he had no respect at all for my feelings and tried to avoid them at all costs.

My best friend is constantly talking to guys. And they say things to her that if they said to me, I'd never speak to them again. Like if a guy in anyway starts acting like a dick to me, then I'll cut them off. She seems to put up with it. And it's stuff like this that makes me wonder if my standards are too high :/ Do you think they are?

Updates:
In Ireland, college is nowhere near as expensive as it is in America. I am from Ireland, so asking for a third level education in guy is basically having asked them have they done their Leaving Cert (which is an exam every student in Ireland does after they have graduated).
Also, please don't comment on the reason my ex left me. There was a lot more than just a career as the reason, I was just shortening it down up above.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yeah, I'd say way too high. You should drop that to a middle school education, hates animals, covered in tattoos with a butt tattoo of the Linux penguin being acceptable, and someone who uses and manipulates you all the time.

    Joke!

    I don't think those standards are very high at all, just very practical.

    One of the weird things I get from this site is that I read so many horror stories lately that I'm starting to feel like both a misandrist and misogynist. :-D I'm just reading so much about cheating, people acting like jerks, etc., that it kind of degrades my entire faith in the human race.

    There are plenty of nice people out there. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places. Typically people who think their standards are too high are looking for love in all the wrong places, not networking and branching out and making lots of friends. That's typically the best way to do it, and you'll get to know people for a while (or at least know a lot about them) before you start dating them.

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    • There is a different dynamic about your standards *in* a relationship. There they might be a bit high if you cut a guy off the moment he starts acting like a dick, especially if he's young (young guys haven't always matured so much yet). That's a bit different from your standards for establishing a relationship though. Keeping one is a very different mindset from making one. I was decent in my youth at getting into relationships, had a lot to learn about keeping them (and maybe still learning).

Most Helpful Girl

  • No, I don't think they're too high at all, sounds normal and like you know what you want and have respect for yourself. It's good you don't take guys' shit!

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What Guys Said 50

  • 1. This, young lady isn't setting standards too high, it's more like spreading out too wide :)
    2. Too high standards would mean someone with a third level education, has a good position or owns a successful business, owns a Ferrari or Bentley or at least a BMW 5 series
    3. What you have is not setting standards on a high tone but you have defined your choices.
    3.1. Not every or even most guys are covered head to toe with tattoos
    3.2. There are loads of guys that are animal lovers
    3.3. Kind, caring and passionate kind of a chap is something most women look for too :)

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  • If you can't find a guy that meets your standards then they are too high. If you have only met two guys that meet your standards, and one left for his career, and the other had no respect for you, that tells me there are problems with your standards.

    Going by your last paragraph, it sounds like the second guy you met shouldn't have met your standards. Meaning you literally have only found one guy that met your standards and it sounds like you didn't meet his standards more so than him wanting to focus on his career.

    If your standards where only what you mentioned, it wouldn't be that bad, but there are lots of guys that should have met your standards by now if that were the case. I am going out on a limb and assume you have many other standards you didn't mention. Such as age, height, attractiveness, and sense of humor just to name a few common standards. The fact you aren't finding guys fitting your standards, tells me they are way too high.

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  • You said: "the second we broke up because he had no respect at all for my feelings and tried to avoid them at all costs"
    - and the second guy left you.

    You seem intelligent and you seem like you take care of yourself/beautiful.

    I would say no man you met has met your standards, and they are not enough. You need a man that will truly love and commit to you as rule number one, part of standard number one is that you are willing to love and commit to him as well.
    The rest are just perks, people with common interests tend to run in the same social circles or fields where their paths will cross.

    Keep the standards but the first standard I mentioned of which no man has met in your life are the most important.

    So, no, your standards are not high enough!

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  • No, that just means you don't want to mess around with boys who don't really care. Other than the third level part (I'm guessing that's college or something?), then I think you're pretty level-headed about your standards. And there's nothing wrong with that. No offence, but your friend probably gets used sometimes since she lets them act like dicks to her. That's not cool.

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  • It doesn't sound like it to me by these examples. You know what you want, a lot of people really don't know what they want. These aren't over the top requests either. It may take a little longer to find your guy but they exist.

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  • No, those standards aren't that high, to be honest.

    By the way, what exactly do you mean by 'third level education'? Someone who holds a doctorate or pHd?

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    • No I mean someone who just has a college degree.

    • Well... in that case, your standards are pretty modest!

      In fact, I satisfy those requirements as well (bachelor's degree in engineering, huge animal lover, and no tattoos), and to think that for years, I thought I would never be good enough for women because I don't have much to offer!

      Anyway, I reaffirm that your standards aren't high at all! In fact, it's a good way to weed out unwanted attention! :)

    • I agree with this guy.

  • What age are the guys you know? I find it difficult to believe you only know two people who meet those standards. Unless those were just examples and you actually have some more criteria, then that's quite low and reasonable. So as far as these criteria go, now, they're not high.

    Only thing left to figure out is what you mean by "say things to her that if they said to me, I'd never speak to them again". What kind of things? Is it possible you're misunderstanding their flirtatious teasing? Or is it genuinely rude and disrespectful things they say / do? Can't know for sure unless you give some examples. But from what I can tell so far, your standards seems okay, in fact it boggles my mind how you can have trouble finding cool guys with such seemingly normal standards. Maybe it's your town, I don't know :D

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    • Most of the guys I know are my own age + or - two years.

      They basically just act like complete dicks to her. One guy clearly just wants her for sex and constantly says these disrespectful things to her yet she keeps on talking to him. He would've been long gone if he said any of that stuff to me.

  • Do you mean are your standards narrow enough that you will likely not find a guy to meet them? You know you've dated guys like that before. You may not date as much or be single long periods of time while waiting though. I don't think a guy having the traits you listed are really common tbh. He really needs to have more qualities than what you listed it sounds like. You want a guy to have respect for you feelings and feel open to communicate with you about them. If you're okay waiting for a guy you really want I think that's cool. I am personally very particular about who I'll date too.

    I agree with what you said about your friends relationship. I do think a lot of couples treat each other poorly.

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  • Seems like you know what you want - everybody has his/her standards - dont they? Who decides if a standard is too high, too low?

    What would happen if you lowered your standards?
    What would happen if you stay/raise your standards?

    Sorry for so much questions instead of a quick answer :)

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  • I'm not going to say that your standards are too high without knowing what a "third level" education is the other stuff sounds pretty standard.

    As for the never speaking to guys after they say one bad thing aspect that's gonna be a problem. People make mistakes, people get drunk etc... I'm sure you've said something that might piss a guy off a bit before.

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    • A college education is basically what I mean by third level education.

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    • Well if you include professional and associate's degrees that number goes up to ~40%

    • Crap I messed up the thread:
      Well if you include professional and associate's degrees that number goes up to ~40%

  • i absolutely dont think your standards are too high, i think your friends a over exaggerating on how certain guys treat them, realize that the less guys you give a chance to the less likely your gunna find one. So the reason you think there's not many nice guys is cuz your not giving enough guys a chance. I don't know maybe you are but if you havnt been asked out in the last week or two you're not making yourself available to the guys who are qualified for u

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  • There's a difference between having standards (that's good) and deciding to be so offended by every little thing (not good).

    You seem to have this superiority complex - "If a guy said that I would be so offended."

    First of all, nobody 'offends' you - you decide to be offended by what was said. Why? Have you asked yourself that? No one else is responsible for the way you feel - only you - you get to decide.

    Guys act like dicks - the more aplha they are the more dickish. Find a guy that isn't a dick and you'll likely be bored. It's a feature not a bug.

    You seem to think your 'feelings' are what is all-important in life. Reality honey, just not so - they're just your feelings, yours alone.

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  • Well I guess I'm 2 for 3 so I'm out. I'm allergic to cat/dogs. I'm sure you'll find someone. Have you tried www.match.com? I've heard the paid sites are better for finding the people your looking for than these free ones.

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    • By the way what kind of comments are willing to put up with? Does sarcasm or harmless jokes bother you? I know some women who don't have much of a tolerance for it.

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    • Did it again; is this site not working correctly?

    • I had met two guys both in their late teens/early twenties who were willing to wait as I stated above but things just didn't work out for one reason or another. I probably would have better luck with an older crowd tbh.

  • Maybe you'll have to be somewhat more flexible and allow a guy not to meet one or two of the criteria if he meets all others :D
    Otherwise you may stay single for so long you'll start feeling lonely :o

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  • Having high standards is fine, if you can meet/exceed similarly high standards.

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  • So you're looking for a guy with high tolerance high intellect and dislike tattoos?
    Well I'm just as high standards as you. Well I have a dealbreaker of my own. My dealbreaker is, no loud music, no touching my forbidden refrigerator, no denying you taking any of my rare chocolates from my chocolate collection. All of my Exes ignored the Do Not TOUCH this refrigerator, FORBIDDEN ZONE! Missing some of the good ones now.

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  • hmm nope not that high, but i would say that you need to address your deal breakers with a guy and need to be open to his deal breakers as well. Relationships are a give and take, not simply taking.

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  • Third level education like a bachelor's degree? Being 21 and dating guys younger that might deter you away from great guys who haven't achieved that yet.
    Your standards are not high.

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    • Yes that's what I mean. I know a lot of guys might not have a degree by the age I am now, but they'd have at least a year or two done in getting a degree.

  • Finally, a girl who doesn't find a whole body full of tattoos attractive. It doesn't sound like your standards are too high.

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  • The only thing you should be asking yourself is... Is this working for me? Am I happy with the decisions I've made? If the answer is no... then change it. If yes... then keep on doing what you do.

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  • No, you should stick to what you want. To be honest, you sound like me. I have very specific standards for what I want in friends in general, and if people screw with me, I drop them without a second thought.

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  • No, everyone deserves someone that's going to respect them. And the fact you want someone that has a college degree means you want someone to have a profession. That sounds normal.

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  • I don't think your standards are too high in terms of developing a LTR, But, I think that your *dating* standards are too high.

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  • No but you have your physical standards that you add which you didn't mention cause you didn't want to make yourself look shallow to that and yeah I am sure your standards will become too high.

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  • Most def. the third level education part, I think, it's also ok to be picky, im picky but a guy not having a third level education does not kill anyone. Some guys struggle in school and are super smart, have great goals and work very hard at what they do. They also honor the ladies their with, I think your making a big mistake not giving other guys a chance that don't have a third level education

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  • Your standards in guys aren't even high, yet you're asking if they're too high. Sounds perfectly fine to me.

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  • The only thing I see as high standards is requiring the guy to have a college degree of some kind because most guys can't afford to pay for college and work at the same time.

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  • Shaking the magic 🎱 ball here and it says all signs point to yes. Yes your standards are too high Shauna.

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  • Kind of. I'm joining the military and do NOT plan on going to college. After that I'm going into law enforcement

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  • u sound boring.

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What Girls Said 7

  • "The first is my now ex and we broke up because he wanted to just focus on his career (among other things)"

    This ^^. WTF?

    I've been seeing this a lot, on the internet. Which is weird, because this is not a thing that I see in real actual life from real people.

    Like, srsly?

    A GOOD relationship NEVER detracts from one's career aspirations.
    Never.
    Never ever ever not even sorta.

    I mean, I'm usually pretty damn good with the empathy thing, to such an extent that sometimes people even think I'm a mindreader, and... still. STILL. Do not get.

    Does anyone say this AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT?

    Honestly, I think this is just the boy version of when girls say stuff like "I need to work on myself", etc. Like, the truth is really closer to "I just don't think yr the right person for me at all", but, trying to let the other person down easy.

    __

    In any case, no, I don't think yr standards are too HIGH -- but, I think they are weirdly specific.

    You should introspect, a bit, about WHAT THEY STAND FOR.

    "Love animals" isn't very hard. Most people I know like animals.

    What's the "no tattoos" thing about? That might just be aesthetic, but, it probably isn't. It probably stands for certain lifestyle choices that yr trying to avoid.
    With what do you associate tattoos?
    When you think of boys who ARE "covered head to toe in tattoos", what comes to mind? Because THAT is what this really is -- and, ultimately, that's the real standard that you should be aware of.

    Etc.

    Any time you have some weird surface-level standard, you should think about what it's a proxy for, because it's almost certainly a proxy for... well, something.

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  • Nope. I think its great that you have standards. It shows you have a certain level of expectation and that you know what you want. Thats smart as opposed to just going with the flow and taking any crap that is laid out infront of you

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  • Nah... but you need to be more open with the fact you are gonna date a super model who a billionaire! and is 21

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    • I mean its possible but not likely. Ya know look at the guy without all the staues and degree. Take away his make-up and clothes ans muscle and whatever and see him foe who he is!

  • It sounds like you know what you want and that's a good thing. So, good for you, hon. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. 😊

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  • No, definitely not.

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  • You are really perfect and go ahead with the same attitude towards life...

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  • you will never find a guy because your act like princess

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