Im in in the wrong here? I lost my boyfriend of 5 years?

I met my ex boyfriend (due to his death) when i was 14. He died in an accident 2 weeks after my 19th bday I am now 22. My ex and I had plans to move in together on my 19th (ive been with him for so long i knew he was the one) He was my only boyfriend and our relationship was so matured. We were in love. Now its been 3 years (i admit not a day goes by without thinking about him) I am currently in a relationship with a nice guy for about 10 months now (not very long but its a start of moving on). Everything is matured and he know about my past. However im contemplating on ending it. he's a very nice guy but Im just not feeling it but at the same time i dont want to be alone forever. We keep getting into fights because I still keep photos of me and my ex and i still wear my ex boyfriend's locket which he gave to me and it means so much to him (it was his grandma's necklace) He gets so mad at me when i mention him he even said this to me "If he ever came back to life im sure youd leave me behind and go back with him" after he said that thats when i started contemplating on ending it. I mean he's a nice guy and I do fear being alone forever but honestly if that where the case, yes I would choose my deseased ex boyfriend if i had a wish to be with him again. Honestly what is my bf's issue? Im i supposed to just forget about my ex and erase him from my memory like nothing happened? doesn't my current boyfriend sound a little harsh? or im i the one in the wrong? Any advice and opinion would be appreciated. I would love to hear what a stranger says online rather than friends that i personally know.

Updates:
My ex boyfriends mom gave me a bit of the ashes and my current boyfriend wants me to return the bit of ashes i have back to my ex's family. He keeps insisting the he's "helping me" but honestly its not

0|0
17|13

Most Helpful Guy

  • You are wrong love, need to let go of your ex! Being in love with your ex and being in relationship with this man is like cheating on both of them.
    Today you need to step up and tell your man that it's true that you are stuck on your ex and you will not be able to move on, and you will need his help to move you on. And then follow his trail..
    It's so sweet like an epic love story, tears are falling from my eyes, that lucky guy who was loved by you until he left the world. Reminds me of movie "PS I love you"

    2|0
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

  • I am so very sorry for your sad loss here, dear. And it is Obvious tha the still Plays a Big part in your own life of Strife Because... He gets so mad at me when i mention him...
    No matter who you Might be or Intend to Marry, You are Still Holding on to the Past that has happened so Long ago and You... Cannot let go, you are Not Ready Not Willing to do so right now.
    You are Comparing Yesterday to Today in every way to the Problem circle Point that the Newbie is Becoming Furious and is Infuriated with this Ghost and it is Causing Conflict in Your Unhealthy relationship.
    I feel it is Best from the Rest to Let Go and Let God... For Now anyways. With the things tha tare Out of the closet and probably Should Be In the Closet if you were really serious about this New guy, then Keep on what you are doing, mend your own heart and when you are Ready and raring to 'mend' your old ways, then begin slowly a relationship But Don't... Keep the skeleton Rattling someone else's chains who has More Gains. You have even Openly Admitted here, dear, 'Just not feeling it' and this is telling me you are Not In love with him.
    No, he is Not Being a 'Little harsh,' he is Prepared for a Relationship but doesn't want to be a Fifth wheel with having to Feel he must Compete with Pete. He should Not have to see Reminders and Finders of Who you Still Love and I I believe it is Not Fair for him to have to Share. I also Think you really just do Not want to be Alone.
    The ball is in your court, think it over. Right now, sitting down to open lines of convo, for it has been '10 months' and hopefully counting, is Your Last Resort to Sort.
    Please, find a Friend who can perhaps help you deal with this or someone you can relate To.. You just could end up Dying... Alone.
    Good luck. xx

    1|0
    0|0

What Guys Said 12

  • You are in the wrong. Let go of your ex, you don't have to forget all about him. He has been dead for 3 years, it's time you come to terms with it. He will never come back. You are being unfair with your boyfriend. Just put your souvenirs in a box and put the box deep in your closet. Just think about him once in a while. Time to look forward now.

    3|3
    0|0
  • I don't think there is a right or wrong here.

    It seems you are not ready to commit to another relationship yet, as you have not healed from for first relationship. Since he passed away at the peak of your relationship, it is very hard for anyone to compare to him in your mind. Who knows... if he had lived, you and your late-bf could have ended up in a big fight and broken up. In that case, it would have been easy to move on because you know it wasn't meant to be.

    Also, when you were 14 years old, the hormones are raging and your first relationship definitely sticks out more than any others. I remember the incredibly strong emotions I had for a girl when I was 12 years old and I thought about her constantly for years. By the time I was 20, and matured, I never felt such an extreme degree of emotion for another girl. So the emotions and feelings from your hormonally-driven, boy crazed teenaged years remains strong in your memory.

    Your current boyfriend should not be faulted for getting mad. Especially since you know it annoys him when you bring up your late-bf... yet you still do it. You are either intentionally trying to piss your boyfriend off, or you still feel connected to him - in which case your heart and mind are not committed to the relationship. He knows this, which is why he gets angry.

    In my opinion, you are not ready for a long-term relationship. However, if you simply wait until your mind heals, you will basically be obsessing over your late-bf forever. You need to date other people to move on, but perhaps it is several years too early to move to a more serious relationship with someone.

    It's kind of like if you dated a guy, and all he can talk about is his ex-girlfriend. It's a signal that he is not emotionally ready to date someone else, and that the girl should walk away. Same goes here.

    2|0
    0|0
  • It's a tricky situation. Of course you'll never let go of feelings towards your ex-boyfriend and nobody should expect you to, but at the same time your current boyfriend hates the idea of feeling like he's second best and always will be, especially when you both know the feelings were stronger towards your ex, and I'm sure you'd feel the same away in the same situation, I think anybody would.

    3|0
    0|0
  • Actually you and your current boyfriend should end it. I feel sorry for you and your love life is a sad one, however you can only love one person exclusively in a romantic way and one person only. If I were in your shoes, I would pledge my life and unwavering devotion to my former partner dead or alive. (in the context of marriage) You are not married to your ex so you can of cause choose to date again. But it is apparent you want your ex so badly as if you're married to him. If such is the case, you may want to consider being single for life. Because, it would be selfish of you to date a guy and secretly, your heart is with your ex. This is cheating on an emotional level.

    Hope the best for you my friend.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I would let you have anything that helps you remeber him! But you have to understand he is never coming back. You need to move on and keep memories. Now you need to move on and make new memories. Stop being so selfish to your new guy. How do you think it feels to him. Like he is 2nd best to someone that is never coming back! But he is right ther. What if roles were reversed? How would that make you feel if his dead girl friend ment more then you do to him. And he never gave you a chance to be the one that makes him feel just as good or better?

    1|0
    0|0
  • Two ways blame: hold your old boyfriend in your heart, that is the special place for him and not in his belongings. Your new boyfriend is a bit jealous and should learn to overcome the feelings.

    1|0
    0|0
  • If he doesn't understand the value of a friend of yours who passed away, then he has no respect for you whatsoever.

    1|0
    0|0
  • If it doesn't feel right, maybe he's not your man... As long as you don't bring up your ex too often, it sounds reasonable that it's a big trauma in your life and you can't just forget it

    0|0
    0|0
  • hun he's the ex that you actually cared about
    and he cared about you, don't let go of all your stuff

    0|0
    0|0
  • You're still with your ex, that's what you're showing from your actions. You don't need to erase him, you can think of him but now you have ro know that you should move on and love your currenr boyfriend more.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Nobody wants to be your second choice. That's how he feels, like a fallback.

    Understanding that your ex always holds a piece of your heart doesn't have to mean there's less for you to give someone else. He could understand that.

    But the fact is he's picking up you don't care for him as much as you did for your ex.

    It's not that your ex was one person you loved, and he's another, at a different time. You don't like him as much.

    That's a dealbreaker for most people.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I lost my fiancĂ©e 3 years ago and I'm of the mindset that it would be unfair to start a new relationship with my soul still longing for her. I understand your fear of being alone but until you come to terms with your grief I would say back out of the relationship for both your sake.

    1|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 16

  • I think that you should leave him. If you would choose your deceased ex over your current boyfriend, you need to leave. That's not saying anything bad about you, just that you obviously aren't over him enough to be able to love someone else, and that's okay. Those things take time and only you can know how much time, and even then it's still a hole in your heart that you will forever live around. But it also isn't fair for your current or future boyfriend to come in second place to your ex. I think you need to focus on you and focus on healing. Maybe travel and enjoy life a little. Work on healing yourself so that when you decide you're ready for someone else you can finally offer them your whole heart, even with that special place in it for your ex.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Neither of you are right or wrong, you both just want different things.

    You haven't fully moved on yet (and you shouldn't be expected to, everyone goes at their own pace). You are still holding on to your ex and it's bothering your boyfriend because he wants to be serious with you and feels like a dead person from your past has more of a hold on you than he does, and he's right there with you.

    But the fact that you admit that you'd dump your boyfriend if it was possible to be with your ex tells you that you are certainly not in love with your current boyfriend and that he is most likely the rebound guy, which is not very nice for your boyfriend who probably wants more than that.

    However, he shouldn't make you feel bad for keeping bits of his ashes and his grandma's necklace. He was very dear to you and your boyfriend can't expect you to pretend he never existed. It's heartbreaking that he died, and you're in such a hard situation that I don't know what you should do.

    Personally, I think I would be alone for a bit longer and work through my issues (perhaps with a grief counselor). You have to be okay with being alone and learning how to be happy and move on from your dead boyfriend before you can seriously consider being with someone new.

    And if you and your boyfriend want 2 different things, perhaps now is not the right time to have a boyfriend.

    You'll have to think about what you want and listen to what your head tells you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • in this scenario, both of you are behaving unfairly.

    -your boyfriend knows about your past, therefore he should understand and be sympathetic to your loss; asking you to return the ashes or get rid of any reminders of your former boyfriend is unreasonable, unsympathetic, and unfair to you. his comment was super-insensitive, too~ that's not something you say to the person you supposedly love.

    -that said, you should not be dating anyone (seriously or long-term) if you're still grieving your ex. grief doesn't have a timeline, but all your current boyfriend sees is that you cared more about your former boyfriend than him.

    what i would suggest: end it with your current boyfriend and take the time you need to heal/reconcile any feelings you had for your former boyfriend. it's only fair to both of you.

    whether you choose to stay in this relationship or not, keep your memories of your ex (pictures, the locket, his ashes) in a box in the back of your closet and, if you must open it, only do so when you are alone.

    (sending healing hugs your way)

    -von

    0|0
    0|0
  • Honestly, I think you should leave him. He sounds so insensitive to something traumatic that you went through. You'll never fully move on from that and he needs to understand that. He doe sound very harsh and if he can be so jealous of someone who has passed away then that's a huge red flag.

    2|0
    0|0
  • I think you would benefit from seeing someone.

    You will always love your ex boyfriend (sorry for your loss). Your relationship didn't end naturally so you've never had closure. As a result, to an extend your heart will always feel you are cheating on him when you aren't.

    I think you would benefit from seeing someone professionally to help you come to terms with your loss and the same time learn it's okay to love your ex but also okay to love someone new. If you are worried about money, at least in this country if you see your GP (doctor) you can be referred for free for some circumstances.

    I will say, I don't think either are you are in the wrong. Your boyfriend has never had to deal with a similar situation and is probably frustrated. On the other hand, to expect you to forget your ex as if he was a normal ex is unreasonable as well.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It sounds like you just aren't ready to move on yet. Your ex was the love of your life, it sounds like. That's not something you just let go.

    Your current boyfriend has a point, but that's nothing bad about you. You just need more time.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Nothing is wrong with holding on the lovely memory of your first love. However, I can understand where your new boyfriend is coming from. It's hard competing with a memory that can never be damaged. 1-If you are still wearing the locket and it's upsetting your new boyfriend maybe you're not ready to let go and if you never consciously make the effort to let go you will definitely end up alone. But allowing your current boyfriend to compete with that is unfair to him. Either let him go or make an effort which won't be easy. At this point you are still young. Maybe it's not time to get into a serious relationship. This is the time to grow and learn who you are so you know what you want when it is time for a relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I would be mad too if my husband kept his ex wife's pic.

    And (if you don't mind), do you know coldlady19?

    She wrote a story like that where the boy dies in motorcycle accident.

    Anyway, back to the topic, if it's like that then yeah end it honestly.

    But I don't think your boyfriend want to end it.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You're thinking you're the victim here but it's your current boyfriend who's suffering. If you're not over someone, you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone else. It's not fair that person.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I've never had anything like this happen to me before, but I'm going to say that you're not in the wrong. if your ex were still alive he would want whats best for you, and whats best for you is to not be alone. talk to your current and tell him that the locket means something to you and its just a memory of your ex. he shouldn't be jealous of something like this,

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think u need someone to really talk to about everything.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You sound like you're just using him as a replacement for your s. o who died.

    0|0
    0|0
  • My mum died when I was 8, my parents were happily married. Its now been 14 years and my dad still hasn't moved on; he's still deeply in love with my mum. I keep trying to encourage him to move on because he deserves happiness and my mum wouldn't want to see him single for the rest of his life.
    My point in telling you this is because the same goes for you. You can't forever live in the past, he'll forever be in your heart and I bet if he was here he would want you to move on.

    0|0
    0|0
  • He don't like to feel like he is only a rebound

    0|0
    0|0
  • It doesn't sound like you like this guy. If you're not ready to move on yet it doesn't mean your going to die alone.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I don't think it's about being jealous of somene who passed away, but exactly the fact that you will never fully move on.

    I mean, it's not the same as if a family member had passed away. You were a couple. If you put yourself in his shoes, you will know how it feels...
    It's not like you have to throw away all your memories or stop wearing the necklace, but would you feel comfortable if it were the opposite?

    Maybe it's too soon for you to move on, but I don't think that your boyfriend is being particularly insensitive either. Maybe it's just bad timing for you guys, but I hope whatever decision you make you don't end up regretting it.

    You will never have the same relationship you had with your ex with anyone else and you cannot make comparisons, but I think you know that.

    2|2
    0|0
Loading...