If I tell this guy how much he hurt me and ruined my self esteem would he even care?

We went on three dates and he basically made out that we were going to be a couple. He got me to really like him, met my family, said he wanted me to meet his then out of the blue he just ignores me and deletes me off Facebook.
He's on tinder again (where we initially met) and even matched with my best friend; I'm pretty sure he knew she was my best friend. :/

basically now I feel worthless. Like nobody is ever going to like me or stick with me. There was a guy after him who did the same thing, well it turns out he actually had a girlfriend. I feel like I can't trust guys anymore, like its inevitable I'll get hurt again and they'll just leave, they all do.

Im so angry at that one guy though because he literally told me so many lies. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere... He did. He told me that he would tell someone if he wasn't feeling it... He didn't, he just messed me about and ignored me. He said he really liked me... Well obviously he didn't because he's treated me like shit. He's so annoying too because he's always lurking on snapchat, seeing what I'm up to. It just all hurts

Updates:
The thing is, I know this sounds superficial but it's true. He's not even attractive. He's okay at best, his personality wasn't that great. I can see that now this cloud of infatuation has blown over but it still hurts :/
I'm a nice person. I don't get why he was so mean to me. :/

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hmm, I think you give these guys too much power. Young guys, hey, even people in general, can be flighty and superficial. It's like your whole sense of self rests on these guys' validation.

    Imagine I'm going for a job interview. Throughout the job interview I project a lack of confidence and a kind of neediness. Naturally I don't get the job, even though I may be the most competent person there technically and in terms of my qualifications. I then spiral into a depression, and dread the thought of continuing my search, therefore confirming my evidence that I'm not good enough, and requiring more validation from the next hirers. Is this really sustainable, even sensible? I only see those people for half an hour. I have to live with myself for all of my life. If one puts so much power into their hands, then what is the implication of that? What is truly so wonderful about these people that I think winning their validation will somehow make me a worthwhile human being. It's about self valuing. Soon as your attitude to yourself improves, you'll actually find you can attract better people anyway, because you can be more discerning.

    As a side note, don't know if it applies to you, but it's good general advice. Sod all these gormless boys on the tinder and the internet in general. Cultivate a few hobbies, or volunteer, do stuff that is a bit challenging and involves meeting new people (presuming you don't already). Work on your confidence, however you see fit. Most dating sites are full of tragic people hoping to fill missing parts of the puzzle through others (hey, I speak for myself here ;)), rather than going into their self, and learning to live with themselves, learning to love themselves, even.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I wouldn't let him know he hurt you, because that may give him satisfaction. I've found that the best thing to do in these situations is to just pretend you don't care. That's what hurts the most, is when someone doesn't care about you anymore. By telling him how much he hurt you, you are showing that you still care about him and that gives him satisfaction.
    As for your issue with guys repeatedly doing this, unfortunately there are bad apples everywhere. Tinder may not be the best place to find someone looking for commitment either. Either way, you will find someone who really loves you soon or later.

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What Guys Said 11

  • 1. I've mentioned this many times over to you and to other girls with similar questions and am doing so again
    2. Guys like to break down girls (read as good looking confident girls).
    3. It's more like a dog in the manger attitude where they feel you are beyond their league and gain their confidence by breaking you down once they've acquired you or find you susceptible
    4. Even as a guy I've experienced this from time to time in my earlier years
    5. Best way to deal with it is not let these affect you ever.
    6. IGNORE them, be confident and cheerful and you'll find them growing uncomfortable to an extent that they'll go vicious with words and online actions if not physical actions trying to gain your attention and thus condescending you.
    7. Never be vulnerable. Learn to be a realist and thus confident of yourself.

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    • Wish I could pick more than one most helpful answer 😣 You're so right!!

    • Thank you beautiful young lady for both your kind words that mean a lot to me :) and liking my opinion :)

      by the way my point 4 - I'm living through it since the past almost 9 years with it lol - does it seem like I'm broken in any way? ;) :D

  • Does this guy's opinion even matter, he has shown his true colours, the best thing you can do is forget they exist - By looking for closure and a explanation, you keep the circumstances and your hurt feelings in the forefront of your mind.
    You are convincing yourself you are a type that falls for a type destined to follow the same path again and again. You take control of your own life, stay in the game, be wary and when you meet a new guy it is up to them to prove themselves to you not the other way around. It may sound harsh but don't be a doormat.
    That said you can be a strong independent woman looking for someone to prove themselves to you without being a ball breaking bitch, they just need to behave with decency and courtesy.

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    • Wow genuinely thank you so much for this. It's great advice :)

  • One lesson from this, I think is - don't rush to fall in love. Meet new people, allow yourself to like them, and be vigilant.
    It may go wrong again, that's life... but when you're aware of that in advance and it happens early in a growing relationship it doesn't hurt that badly.
    By taking your time to learn to know the guy before really considering it a relationship, you avoid 80% of these very bad & painful moments.
    Don't forget one thing: it's not your fault Alex :D

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    • Aw thank you for this Hans :)

    • You're most welcome. I really felt the pain too when I read your question :o
      But you'll be fine - you WILL find the guy who'll come, stay and love your heart :D

  • I think the problem isn't you but were you are getting your dates, places like dating websites and tinder and the people they attract, that's no place to meet a real person ( someone who isn't flaky or fake ) go out into the world meet, talk with people or randomly meet someone online in a place like this or something. But those places I mentioned above are not a place to meet someone you want a real relationship with,

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    • You're so righttttt :)

    • Mhmm =] it may take a bit longer doing it the old fashioned or semi old fashioned way but you bound to meet more genuine people then you will in those kinds of places. Just gotta have some patience, you'll get there.

  • don't look for anything serious on tinder and don't say anything you will come off as needy and it will only make things worse i mean it was only 3 dates don't get too attached and don't put all your cards on the table to fast it will leave you with no leverage

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  • Most people just aren't very morally good.

    The problem for women in the sexual/romantic market-place today is that there are so few men whom women find attractive, relative to the number of women whom men find attractive (it doesn't help that women's preferences are much less diverse than men's). This is primarily because of the death of masculine charm over the past few decades. In other words, the politically correct man of today has not been taught how to interact with women. The result is that attractive men face little competition and have plenty of choice, and therefore they face temptation.

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    • He's not attractive though. He's very very average. He's skinny with a big nose lol

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    • So, he is charming.

    • He's not lol. I have a low self esteem so just liked his attention tbh
      No one else would be able to see the charm

  • Telling him anything would just make you feel worse.

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  • probably not :/

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  • Did your best friend know about him?

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  • Thats life right shit happens

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  • all i hear from you is "boohoohoo i'm ugly and worthless boohoohoo". Deal with it.

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What Girls Said 6

  • Honestly? No, I don't think he would care. It's a very unfortunate situation, but the fact that he treated you that way in the first place leads me to believe that he wouldn't care at all if you tried to tell him that he hurt you. He likely wouldn't even respond.

    I think the best thing you can do is distance yourself from him all together. You've been hurt a lot so your feelings are understandable. Maybe you should just try taking a break from dating for a little while, until you can rebuild your self-esteem and feel better about yourself.

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    • I used to think finding another guy would alleviate this hurt but it doesn't :( just masks the real problem. I'm too insecure. I'm confident sometimes but I don't feel worthy? It's weird :/

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    • Thank you so much for this advice and for the compliment (back at ya) :)
      I just hope I can learn to love myself sooner, it's so annoying constantly feeling this way. :/

    • Of course! And yeah, I totally understand that. I hope you can work it out and feel better soon too :)

  • He's one of those people who doesn't regard the emotions of others so he really isn't going to care, or worse, take it as a huge ego boost and maybe even find more ways to hurt you. I have heard some not so nice things about Tinder so don't count on those sites for quality experiences and don't join the same sites as your friends! You have things in common and they will match you with some of the same people naturally. It's a recipe for disaster and heartbreak.

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  • NOOOOpppe! Thats reality! Its sucks ):

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  • I doubt he would care. Since he didn't care to hurt you like that to begin with.

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  • Hmmm well it takes two here!
    It is not him directly.
    If you already had a good self esteem then why would you be so hurt and bothered by it?
    He got you to really like him = you allowed yourself to get ahead of yourself before actually knowing him.
    People don't 'get' you to like them. It is your choice and reactions to make you feel that way.
    He's not even that great looks or personality wise? Well then why do you care so much? The rejection?
    Yeah I don't think someone should ignore you but it just happens.
    It is just easier for sme people than saying they got caught in a moment and have changed their mind (Especially if the other party then starts telling them that they ruined their self esteem and hurt them after 3 dates)
    Come on. It was just three dates.
    You need to work on your own issues.
    Sounds like it all went too fast and he got freaked out.

    Who knows if he will care or not. We don't know him or neither do you.
    To be honest it won't make a difference if you tell him these things or not.

    Your esteem and self worth is your responsibility not anyone elses.
    Own it and don't blame someone else for this.
    Sure it hurts, and it is upsetting you feel led on.

    But is someone you don't even have one nice thing to say about even worth it?

    Your not saying I can't believe it. He was really great and so attractive, I loved his personality and we got on so well. You are saying he was't that great anyway and not all that good looking.
    It just comes accross that you are sulking and throwing your toys about.
    How could someone who is not even attractive or with a good personality just ignore ME?

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  • No, he wouldn't. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt over him.

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