I was dating two guys at the same time. I never told either of them I was their girlfriend or committed. But now the first guy found out from a friend I'm dating the other guy. He told me off, insulted me, said I lead him on, and also said that he wouldn't speak to me anymore. He just lost it.
The second guy is totally fine with everything... He's done dating with multiple people at the same time too... I had thought before this was a really common thing to do!
So should I just ignore the first guy or try to fix things? I was just starting to get to know him so I'd like for him to at least talk to me. Did I do anything wrong?
Most Helpful Guy
It depends on how long you were dating the guy, and how intensely the dates were going. And also if you had been insinuating that it was an exclusive, monogamous relationship.
When you first start dating someone, there isn't a rule that says it is instantly a monogamous, exclusive relationship. If he made that assumption, that's his fault. Guys do that all the time. If it had been a few months or something though, or if you were doing a lot of sex and spending the night and 'couple things', I can see how he could just assume it was an exclusive relationship, even if he never had The Talk. It's definitely a bigger issue if the person is being sexually intimate with multiple people at the same time. That's very different than just 'going for a coffee to get to know a guy' kind of date.
If there was no talk about monogamy and exclusivity, then it's his fault, and he is in the wrong for going off on you and insulting you. But you need to think hard about whether or not he had a reason to think it was more than it was. I don't know that I would consider the blame 100% on him.
Really though, in the position you're in now, just ignore the first guy and move on. There is no reason to insult you just because he was mad. That's petty and needlessly aggressive. I can see him being upset if he thought it was something it wasn't. But that kind of explosive reaction is not going to do anyone any good, so he is making it pretty clear he is done with you. He is mad, and has no obligation to talk to you about it. I would just leave it alone, to be honest. And in the future, make it clear a lot more quickly that it is NOT exclusive if you've had more than a few dates with someone.1
Most Helpful Girl
There is an open dating period where you can go on multiple dates as long as it stops at a certain point. If you go on so many dates, then it comes across as things are going in a more serious direction, especially if the dates are going WELL. At one point, you have to pick one and work on that potential relationship OR be clear that you are in a stage of openly dating. I think it is your fault, but I don't think it was ill-intended or intentional, you just missed a few steps.2