Is this drama my fault or his?

I was dating two guys at the same time. I never told either of them I was their girlfriend or committed. But now the first guy found out from a friend I'm dating the other guy. He told me off, insulted me, said I lead him on, and also said that he wouldn't speak to me anymore. He just lost it.

The second guy is totally fine with everything... He's done dating with multiple people at the same time too... I had thought before this was a really common thing to do!

So should I just ignore the first guy or try to fix things? I was just starting to get to know him so I'd like for him to at least talk to me. Did I do anything wrong?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It depends on how long you were dating the guy, and how intensely the dates were going. And also if you had been insinuating that it was an exclusive, monogamous relationship.

    When you first start dating someone, there isn't a rule that says it is instantly a monogamous, exclusive relationship. If he made that assumption, that's his fault. Guys do that all the time. If it had been a few months or something though, or if you were doing a lot of sex and spending the night and 'couple things', I can see how he could just assume it was an exclusive relationship, even if he never had The Talk. It's definitely a bigger issue if the person is being sexually intimate with multiple people at the same time. That's very different than just 'going for a coffee to get to know a guy' kind of date.

    If there was no talk about monogamy and exclusivity, then it's his fault, and he is in the wrong for going off on you and insulting you. But you need to think hard about whether or not he had a reason to think it was more than it was. I don't know that I would consider the blame 100% on him.

    Really though, in the position you're in now, just ignore the first guy and move on. There is no reason to insult you just because he was mad. That's petty and needlessly aggressive. I can see him being upset if he thought it was something it wasn't. But that kind of explosive reaction is not going to do anyone any good, so he is making it pretty clear he is done with you. He is mad, and has no obligation to talk to you about it. I would just leave it alone, to be honest. And in the future, make it clear a lot more quickly that it is NOT exclusive if you've had more than a few dates with someone.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • There is an open dating period where you can go on multiple dates as long as it stops at a certain point. If you go on so many dates, then it comes across as things are going in a more serious direction, especially if the dates are going WELL. At one point, you have to pick one and work on that potential relationship OR be clear that you are in a stage of openly dating. I think it is your fault, but I don't think it was ill-intended or intentional, you just missed a few steps.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Just move on. It was your fault, it's pretty much cheating. You should've picked one, that guy was right to be mad so there's no point trying to fix it.

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  • No point in watering a dead plant. You ruined the first guys life. Shame on you.

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  • Sakura... You were wrong this time.. sorry.

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What Girls Said 6

  • The only thing you did wrong was not telling them. Since neither asked for not expected a commitment, and you never said you were exclusive with either one, you technically we're within moral boundaries. This is what "dating" is; shopping and looking for the right fit. The only caveat is that you need to be honest with all parties involved to give them the choice of dating you or not.

    First guy apparently is unhappy, not sure that can be fixed unless you get him to talk about it, but be forewarned he will expect you to give up Guy #2. Guy #2 seems to expect you to choose as well.

    Ok. You just learned some fantastic news. Without thinking too hard, which guy do you call first? I use that as a gauge for who I subconsciously like just a little more.

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  • Seems like the first guy was assuming unless you were dishonest with him? If not, I feel he is overreacting.

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    • It's called "Lying by omission".

      Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions.

    • @M_A_X i see what you're saying but I don't feel we have enough information to make that assumption. We don't know how long they were going out, if I love you forevers were said, or anything that suggested exclusivity on either part.

  • after a few dates I think it is wrong and you should pick, otherwise you get in deeper and mess with peoples feelings :(

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  • Dude you should tell them that! Both of them!

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  • Um... You were pretty much cheating. It's your fault.

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  • You were not clear about your intentions from the beginning and the first guy assumed things were getting serious. Because you didn't communicate that with him he felt betrayed. Just leave him alone. You have different views and it would just hurt him if you didn't choose him.

    Been in this situation. I was the guy in yours.

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