I am a 25 year old female and he is 30. We were seeing each other for about two months, things were going well for the most part until I noticed him becoming distant.
So about a month ago I asked why he was being so distant and at first he wasn’t getting straight to the point, until I had to probe him a bit more and he said he didn’t think we would be anything more than friends.
I just accepted this and went on my merry way (thinking back I should have questioned it, but I was quite hurt). To me it sounded like he was friendzoning me. He asked if I still wanted to talk to him and I said i didn’t mind. Occasionally he still checked in with me and that was that.
A couple of days ago I decided to ask him why he friendzoned me and he said he wouldn’t call it friendzoning.
He said he wanted to do more than kissing and he felt things were going down the same road as the last two girls he dated (both happened to be Virgins too except they were waiting for marriage). He said he didn’t think it was fair to put me in this situation. He said he had thought about it a lot and believed he had made the right decision. He asked why it had taken me so long to ask. I told him I thought I had an idea why he ended things, so I didn’t feel like I needed confirmation.
He said he’s still around if I ever need a hug or shoulder to cry on. I laughed and said that’s what people say when they are friendzoning you. He went on to say he was still attracted to me and generally speaking hugs lead to more, but if you don’t get more then it’s frustrating.
After that we just had a light hearted conversation about life and he has made contact since and flirted with me here and there. I just honestly feel confused by this conversation as the days go by..
What are your thoughts?
Thanks so much for all these responses. You have given me so much food for thought!
What else is there to say. A woman has the right to "wait til marriage" or wait a ridiculously long time to have sex. but it is the guys right not to wait around until she finally wakes up and wants to. I find it really hilarious as I can guarentee 99.9% of women that wait until marriage or wait until their 20's will look back in 20 years and want to kick their own ass. but women won't hear it. They put sex up on this pedestal that is just insane. Sex is sex. yes it can be an expression of love, but it can also just be a good time. I am finding it ironic since when guys hit their 40-50's the sex drive goes down (yes, I know not all). but women hit their prime. So now that I have to unfortunately date after 25 years with my ex wife, women want sex all the time and I just don't. I guess this is how women felt back when I was a teenager lol... only I think women have the drive but are so messed up on their unreasonable view of sex, they try not to have it. You have to ask yourself if your really willing to lose out on many possible men just to wait for marriage when most likely your going to get a divorce later on. All of us that are divorced said "it won't be me". But one person cannot keep a marriage together, or I would still be married. re-evaluate. If your interested in getting down and dirty, sounds like the door is still open with him.
He clearly wants to still have sex with you. There are a couple of possibilities here. 1. He isn't having sex yet so he's moving on to someone who will sleep with him. This means he was never ready for a relationship in the first place. 2. He doesn't want the responsibility of sleeping with a virgin. Trust me, people get all weird and clingy with the first person they have sex with. This is normal. He prob doesn't want to deal with it. 3. He wants to have sex but doesn't want to date you. He wants to be friends with benefits but not boyfriend and girlfriend. He thinks you can't handle friends with benefits.
The bottom line is that he wants to have sex with you but does NOT want to date you and he knows that virginity is a big deal. He knows that things will get complicated if you have sex and guys usually don't like messy relationships. I say that you should find someone else. If he still wants you he'll come back to you eventually. Esp if he sees that he lost a great girl.
This sentence explains part of it. I would further follow it up with this:
'I also won't pressure you into having sex with me.'
Those two sentences combined mean that if a measure of time has passed and sex has not occured, then the relationship is over. He did not lay this down as an ultimatum early in the relationship because he did not want to put pressure on you. If things are not naturally heading toward sex... then he is done and not looking back.
Tell him if your not going to open up then I will and tell him something you wouldn't normally tell others something maybe funny about what you did as a kid. that maybe funny and slightly goofy, something to make him realize your willing to invest the same time as he is into the relationship. I think it just sounds like he needs to be convinced that your interested in the relationship.
I've done this to girls in the past. Why? Because you literally came off as putting the guy in the friendzone. Guys absolutely HATE IT when a girl they like friendzones them, so then we tend to become more and more distant from you. He wants some kind of intimacy, and to him, it seemed like you didn't want any intimacy whatsoever with him, and it rubbed off on him.
I honestly don't blame him for what he's doing. I'd do the exact same thing if I were him. How can a guy be friends with a girl he really likes? I couldn't do that.
He's saying it's either friendship or you're fucking. He's assuming you choose option A. That's not actual friendzoning, it's saying 'i won't be your celibate boyfriend'. The reason it doesn't feel like friendzone is you're not stuck in the friendzone, he's just not willing to have a chaste relationship.
Seems to me he was pretty straightforward about his feelings, why do you question them?
FYI - It sounds like he hasn't friendzoned you at all, you say he says he still likes you and it seems like he doesn't see the relationship as going anywhere and is trying to break up amicably (let's be friends vs. that's all I ever saw this as... very different)
Sounds like he is gay or something? what kind of excuses are those? Move on and cut the contact with him, how can he flirt if he sees you as a friend?
I feel like even though he's 5 years older than you he's at the same place in life as you. You gave him too much credit for being "older/more mature" and probably more respect and admiration than you probably should've. I think it was sneaky of him to let it go on for 2 months and then decide to mention he just wants to be friends. That couldve been done much sooner and directly through verbal and nonverbal cues.
Basically you just saved yourself from a fuckboy, soooo lucky.
Bluntly said, he's only interested in a relationship if you are willing to have sex with him too (maybe not immediately but at some point in the near future). He doesn't want to be an asshole, but he has physical needs and he cannot bear having a beautiful girlfriend without getting to go to bed with her. He'd rather be just friends to prevent himself from having false expectations. He does want you, but he wants all or nothing. With 'nothing' being friendship.
C'mon, the guy is an idiot. You don't just assume that kind of stuff. And both of his two already girlfriends at the time were virgins and waiting for marriage (which he would have realized soon enough), and which he can't do since even hugging is an issue. Lol. Somehow I find that hard to believe. You didn't ask? He would have had a real talk if he was any serious about you.
I don't even know the guy, but I would just laugh and go on my way.