He friendzoned me and I needed a little closure. I'm not sure how I feel about this …help?

I am a 25 year old female and he is 30. We were seeing each other for about two months, things were going well for the most part until I noticed him becoming distant.

So about a month ago I asked why he was being so distant and at first he wasn’t getting straight to the point, until I had to probe him a bit more and he said he didn’t think we would be anything more than friends.

I just accepted this and went on my merry way (thinking back I should have questioned it, but I was quite hurt). To me it sounded like he was friendzoning me. He asked if I still wanted to talk to him and I said i didn’t mind. Occasionally he still checked in with me and that was that.

A couple of days ago I decided to ask him why he friendzoned me and he said he wouldn’t call it friendzoning.

He said he wanted to do more than kissing and he felt things were going down the same road as the last two girls he dated (both happened to be Virgins too except they were waiting for marriage). He said he didn’t think it was fair to put me in this situation. He said he had thought about it a lot and believed he had made the right decision. He asked why it had taken me so long to ask. I told him I thought I had an idea why he ended things, so I didn’t feel like I needed confirmation.

He said he’s still around if I ever need a hug or shoulder to cry on. I laughed and said that’s what people say when they are friendzoning you. He went on to say he was still attracted to me and generally speaking hugs lead to more, but if you don’t get more then it’s frustrating.

After that we just had a light hearted conversation about life and he has made contact since and flirted with me here and there. I just honestly feel confused by this conversation as the days go by..

What are your thoughts?

Updates:
Thanks so much for all these responses. You have given me so much food for thought!

0|1
11|11

Most Helpful Guy

  • What else is there to say. A woman has the right to "wait til marriage" or wait a ridiculously long time to have sex. but it is the guys right not to wait around until she finally wakes up and wants to. I find it really hilarious as I can guarentee 99.9% of women that wait until marriage or wait until their 20's will look back in 20 years and want to kick their own ass. but women won't hear it. They put sex up on this pedestal that is just insane. Sex is sex. yes it can be an expression of love, but it can also just be a good time.
    I am finding it ironic since when guys hit their 40-50's the sex drive goes down (yes, I know not all). but women hit their prime. So now that I have to unfortunately date after 25 years with my ex wife, women want sex all the time and I just don't. I guess this is how women felt back when I was a teenager lol... only I think women have the drive but are so messed up on their unreasonable view of sex, they try not to have it.
    You have to ask yourself if your really willing to lose out on many possible men just to wait for marriage when most likely your going to get a divorce later on. All of us that are divorced said "it won't be me". But one person cannot keep a marriage together, or I would still be married.
    re-evaluate. If your interested in getting down and dirty, sounds like the door is still open with him.

    1|0
    0|0
    • I hear what you're saying. However I am not waiting until marriage. He knew I was a Virgin from the beginning and prior to this he mentioned sex not being a big deal to him. He said one of the women he was dating before wanted to cut out intimacy completely and he said he needed some form of intimacy (Understandably).

      When the topic of sex came up he said I may aswell wait until marriage and I was very straightforward. I told him I wasn't looking to wait until marriage as I didn't feel it was necessary. I just wanted to lose when I was ready and with the right person.

      I will admit to being one of those women that has remained a Virgin for such a long time. I regret not losing it to the guy I was seeing when I was 19, I was so close but we had no condoms and we broke up shortly after.

      Last year I met the most amazing guy and we broke up because we had sex issues. He was a genuine guy and he waited so long and it just didn't happen.

    • Show All
    • I truly don't understand when all woman say "... does he just want sex or does he like me as a person..."
      Women know how men are. Men, especially young men, want sex. We want sex all the time. Until we get older and our sex drive starts to go down. That doesn't mean we only want sex. But it is always going to be strong. So it is absurd to say that statement when you know he wants sex, maybe as much as he wants you. But that is a good thing. So women wait and wait and wait. Too bad you can't have the wisdom of your 40's in your late teens and 20's. That is why it is better to get rid of virginity as quickly as possible.

    • And risk having regrets later down the line? I don't blame women questioning if a man only wants them for sex. It would be nice to know he has a genuine interest also, it might help put their minds at rest knowing this.

Most Helpful Girl

  • He clearly wants to still have sex with you. There are a couple of possibilities here.
    1. He isn't having sex yet so he's moving on to someone who will sleep with him. This means he was never ready for a relationship in the first place.
    2. He doesn't want the responsibility of sleeping with a virgin. Trust me, people get all weird and clingy with the first person they have sex with. This is normal. He prob doesn't want to deal with it.
    3. He wants to have sex but doesn't want to date you. He wants to be friends with benefits but not boyfriend and girlfriend. He thinks you can't handle friends with benefits.

    The bottom line is that he wants to have sex with you but does NOT want to date you and he knows that virginity is a big deal. He knows that things will get complicated if you have sex and guys usually don't like messy relationships. I say that you should find someone else. If he still wants you he'll come back to you eventually. Esp if he sees that he lost a great girl.

    1|0
    0|0

What Guys Said 10

  • One of the anon guys has half of the answer:

    'i won't be your celibate boyfriend'

    This sentence explains part of it.
    I would further follow it up with this:

    'I also won't pressure you into having sex with me.'

    Those two sentences combined mean that if a measure of time has passed and sex has not occured, then the relationship is over. He did not lay this down as an ultimatum early in the relationship because he did not want to put pressure on you. If things are not naturally heading toward sex... then he is done and not looking back.

    This is what appears to have happened

    1|0
    0|0
    • I understand this... If he had mentioned an ultimatum in the beginning then I would have assumed his only aim was to sleep with me. I can see where he is coming from.

    • Show All
    • *he himself had already decided there was nothing for HIM to gain in your relationship.

    • Ah sorry, I meant to reply on my own comment.

  • It sounds to me like he is confused but he acts as if he just wants you in his life to the extent that he wants you - no consideration of your feelings. Who needs that?

    2|0
    0|0
    • Nobody. So you think he's just playing games?

    • I 'm not sure that he is consciously playing games, but his behavior sounds very self-centered.

    • Hmmm interesting point of view.

  • Tell him if your not going to open up then I will and tell him something you wouldn't normally tell others something maybe funny about what you did as a kid. that maybe funny and slightly goofy, something to make him realize your willing to invest the same time as he is into the relationship. I think it just sounds like he needs to be convinced that your interested in the relationship.

    1|0
    0|0
    • How did you come to this conclusion?

    • Its how I get my S/O's to be more talkative, where as in public many just clam up and will just be silent.

  • I've done this to girls in the past. Why? Because you literally came off as putting the guy in the friendzone. Guys absolutely HATE IT when a girl they like friendzones them, so then we tend to become more and more distant from you. He wants some kind of intimacy, and to him, it seemed like you didn't want any intimacy whatsoever with him, and it rubbed off on him.

    I honestly don't blame him for what he's doing. I'd do the exact same thing if I were him. How can a guy be friends with a girl he really likes? I couldn't do that.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Intriguing... Its interesting how you came to that conclusion from reading my post. It would have made sense to have talked me if he felt this way, instead of becoming distant.

    • Well I don't usually talk to the girl about it, either. I just disappear because the last thing I want is to be cornered about it and then possibly run the risk of her spreading horribly things about me behind my back. Because I've seen girls do that to guys a lot before. I wouldn't risk it.

      I'm also doing this to a girl right now. But the situation is a little different. I've cut myself off completely from her, and I refuse to tell her why because I am sure she will corner me and try to make me feel bad. So that's probably why he hasn't done that.

  • i have a feeling deep down he is after only one thing. i wouldn't give the relationship any more time, and move on to someone who will want to be with you as a person and not just looking for sex

    1|0
    0|0
    • Thank you. I have a feeling you're right!

  • You don't need closure... don't waste your time.

    1|0
    0|0
  • You can do it.

    0|0
    0|0
  • He's saying it's either friendship or you're fucking. He's assuming you choose option A. That's not actual friendzoning, it's saying 'i won't be your celibate boyfriend'. The reason it doesn't feel like friendzone is you're not stuck in the friendzone, he's just not willing to have a chaste relationship.

    1|0
    0|0
    • I hear you... Makes a lot of sense

  • Seems to me he was pretty straightforward about his feelings, why do you question them?

    FYI - It sounds like he hasn't friendzoned you at all, you say he says he still likes you and it seems like he doesn't see the relationship as going anywhere and is trying to break up amicably (let's be friends vs. that's all I ever saw this as... very different)

    1|0
    0|0
  • Sounds like he is gay or something? what kind of excuses are those?
    Move on and cut the contact with him, how can he flirt if he sees you as a friend?

    1|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 10

  • Two months isn't a lot of time invested. Cut your losses and move on. He made his feelings crystal clear, there is nothing to decipher. It sucks. But a clean break will help your heart heal faster.

    1|1
    0|0
    • Thank you. I'm glad it was sooner rather than later tbh. It wasn't long enough to have any real feelings invested.

  • Yeah O: ): I am sorry! I just think you need to give your virginity to someone who isn't like that guy. He a coward. He can't man up to his feeling.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Thanks. Why do you say '' he can't man up to goes feeling? "

    • Because he scared or something. If you love someone you have to risk it. Ya know! Like take college for example you want be a doctor? than you got put a risk and try really hard everyday... Its not easy... You can't just say oh this is too hard I won't do it. NO! You want this really bad than do it! there's no way else to live. I rather put myself at risk than live like some dumb coward. If i want something I go get it!

  • I feel like even though he's 5 years older than you he's at the same place in life as you. You gave him too much credit for being "older/more mature" and probably more respect and admiration than you probably should've. I think it was sneaky of him to let it go on for 2 months and then decide to mention he just wants to be friends. That couldve been done much sooner and directly through verbal and nonverbal cues.

    1|0
    0|0
    • I did think he would be more mature than the guys my age, but having spent time with him I shortly realised this wasn't the case. I don't think he was being sneaky in the example you gave me, I just think he wanted to see how things panned out and when he could see it wasn't working out he took a step back. I do think he could have addressed the situation better tbh but what's done is done.

    • Oh I understand. If you want closure you might want to have a sit-down with him and explain to him what you are feeling. It may be awkward, hard, uncomfortable. But it usually does me a considerable amount of healing to be able to voice my hurt and be seen and heard by the other person. then Im able to walk away from the situation knowing I did everything I could do, and I also let them know how theyre actions have hurt me. It helps if you want closure and want to move on faster

  • He likes you and wants a physical relationship with you. Your ideals don't match, he doesn't want to pursue it because of that. He's hoping you have sex with him and change your mind.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Lol figures. Sounded like he was trying to keep the door open incase I change my mind.

  • He might be trying for a friends-with-benefits relationship! It's your call, but it doesn't seem like you two are on the same page, and it might be in your best interest to move on :/

    0|0
    0|0
    • Lool that's what I was thinking. Thanks

  • he just dumbed u... move on and better dont even talk to him

    1|0
    0|0
  • Basically you just saved yourself from a fuckboy, soooo lucky.

    2|0
    0|0
  • Bluntly said, he's only interested in a relationship if you are willing to have sex with him too (maybe not immediately but at some point in the near future). He doesn't want to be an asshole, but he has physical needs and he cannot bear having a beautiful girlfriend without getting to go to bed with her. He'd rather be just friends to prevent himself from having false expectations. He does want you, but he wants all or nothing. With 'nothing' being friendship.

    1|0
    0|0
    • You seem to be the only girl that has responded that thinks this way lol. I mean I understand that sex is a part of a relationship and I am open to this. I'm just struggling to see if a relationship is what he is after. I noticed the way he pulled himself back one time when we were together to probably control himself. There was some very weird behaviour on his part the last time I saw him, but it definetly makes sense now.

    • Guys are just people too. Even when they're after sex, it doesn't mean it's the only thing he's after.

  • C'mon, the guy is an idiot. You don't just assume that kind of stuff. And both of his two already girlfriends at the time were virgins and waiting for marriage (which he would have realized soon enough), and which he can't do since even hugging is an issue. Lol. Somehow I find that hard to believe.
    You didn't ask? He would have had a real talk if he was any serious about you.

    I don't even know the guy, but I would just laugh and go on my way.

    1|0
    0|0
    • Haha I hear you. I don't know why... But I can understand his way of thinking a little. This is what I think could have possibly happened.. He tried dating the first girl and he really liked her (he said they did other stuff just not full blown sex), so there was some intimacy, so he was cool with that. Then onto the next girl who was okay with kissing and then she cut it out completely. So by this point he might have realised he needed more and then when I came around he thought he'd see how it goes, but ultimately he ended up feeling the same.

1 private opinion(s)
Only the asker and the opinion owner can see it. Learn more

Loading...