Mentioning the ex on a first or second date - is it ever okay?

I'm not talking about if someone asks about past relationships (which in my opinion is way too early at least on the first date) but, for example, if you ask if they like a band and they say "well my ex was obsessed so I've heard of them" or something like that

  • No, any mention whatsoever is off limits
    64% (42)55% (42)59% (84)Vote
  • Yes, as long as it doesn't happen again
    11% (7)14% (11)13% (18)Vote
  • Yes, so that I can ask how fresh the break up is
    6% (4)12% (9)9% (13)Vote
  • It depends and I'll explain in a comment
    19% (13)19% (14)19% (27)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Updates:
*** Okay actually... the real scenario was totally different haha maybe ill specify. He said he hasn't drank much since his ex because she drank a lot, his tolerance is gone, and he's saved a lot of money on alcohol.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Totally depends on the reference and context. You have to make sure it's about another point so that your ex is not the subject, but also a statement that doesn't make it sound like you're hungup. Or at the very least are over your ex. That's the ideal. Other than that you are taking a risk.

    Saying, "Sorry, this all feels pretty new to me right now. I just got out of a bad relationship with someone and I'm just trying to do thins better the an before " may go over well. But it depends on who you tell it too. How well the date Is going and so on. If the person I really into you and you get overwhelmed and apologize for getting that way, the state the quote gave above you probably won't have an issue.

    But some people might hear that and think "she's not over him", while other guys would want to show you he's really a good guy and treat you well. So it's usually safer to not bring up an ex at all. But it's not necessarily fatal

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What Guys Said 41

  • No. There's no need to bring them up, and often times when it happens it's because the person is either hung up on their ex or bitter about their ex. Usually small mention here any there isn't a big deal, though its not really a good thing either, but the women I can remember going out with that brought up the ex several times were either bitter and unhappy or ended up getting back together with the ex a couple weeks later.

    If you went to see a concert with an ex, and your date asks you if you've seen the concert, then sure say you went but don't say with who. If they ask who you went with don't lie, but just immediately change the subject. "Oh I went with my ex, but I hear they're coming out with a new album soon. They've already release 2 tracks and they were awesome can't wait for the rest". No reason talk about an ex, just keep it moving.

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  • On a first or second date, I presume that my date is scanning for warning signs and danger signals. A guy mentioning an ex on a first or second date is often interpreted as a sign that the person has not totally resolved the former relationship and they are not really available for a new relationship. It doesn't matter whether the assumption is valid; she will decide that I am not ready, refuse my request for another date, and I'll never know why. So. . . I never mention an ex on a first or second date unless I am specifically asked about past relationships.

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  • Of course it's going to come up sometimes since we all have had past relationships but I would try not to bring them up

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  • I wouldn't advise it no, at least not when your going on a date with a stranger or someone you don't know very well, I mean it might be alright if you were on a date with a friend someone you've known for a long time, but even then I'd be weary.

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  • I like to leave me ex out of the conversation period. I stay focused on the girl I am with. The past is the past and has nothing to do with my future with my girl.

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  • No never. Just say you've heard of them adding the "my ex was obsessed" is 120% unnecessary. It will always be a red flag to most people no matter what.

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  • Not a good idea. That's not stuff you need to bring up that early, if at all.

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  • I think that comment was justified cause he explained how he came to head of that band.

    But of course if he keeps mention his ex in future conversations you should get away from that guy cause obviously he hasn't forget his ex.

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    • The real scenario was totally different haha so maybe that'll help. He said he hasn't drank much since his ex because she drank a lot, his tolerance is gone, and he's saved a lot of money on alcohol. Sure we were talking about drinking, but I'm just very wary when an ex comes up at all in the beginning because it seems like common sense

    • Ahh haha anyway that comment of his whas justified too -but 2 times? I mean it is not a lot of times although I would feel weird if I'm hanging out with someone and she brings her ex up. As I said before if he keeps mention her in future conversations he hasn't forget her

  • "well my ex was obsessed so I've heard of them"

    There is absolutely no reason to answer his question that way.

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  • Dating means you have dismissed the past (as much as possible) and all attention is on shopping current prospects = this date
    What is past is over and now a new things/person springs forth, even if attempting a full reinvention.

    That said, one can learn a lot from the crystal ball called "the ex", even though your connection may not produce such dire results.

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  • Big red flag. I move on to the next one.

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  • No one wants to hear about the x it shows your still upset and heart broken over him and that if he asked you back you would jump at the chance to go back to him. That kind of X talk comes way down the road

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  • I dated a woman years ago who often brought up her ex-husband and their divorce. Actually it didn't bother me and it was rather entertaining. LOL...

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  • I believe as long as it comes up in conversation it's fair game. Just don't go on and on about your ex, unless asked. Mentioning it is fine, but if you go into a long diatribe about them without being asked, then the guy may think you aren't over your ex.

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  • Only if asked about it, otherwise, do not discuss at all. The first few dates are about the two of you - who each person is now. History discussion will come some enough - likely by Date 5.

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  • not on the first or second...

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  • That would be a red flag and substantial turn off for me tbh

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  • I think that's part of everyday conversation and therefore I wouldn't mind, as long as you don't go into sexual details because that is just awkward in my opinion.

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  • No. Everyone has a past. This is not the problem of nor should it be of any interest to this new person you're dating.

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  • Don't ever mention it. I ghosted a girl I went on a date with last week because she mentioned it. In my eyes, this means she is still possibly thinking about him and I refuse to be part of that.

    Cheers!

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  • If I was on a date with a woman and she brings up her ex in any way, that's an immediate red flag. Further into the relationship, fine. But if I get the feeling that you're still thinking about your ex while on a first date with me, it's a pretty good indication of things to come. Piece of advice, if you do ever bring up your ex, don't make one of those "emergency call" things regardless of if it's legit or not unless you want him to get really suspicious.

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  • I think it depends on what the conversation is about. If you like a band because of your ex, than that is ok, but don't go rambling on, on what you two did. Give new memories of the band with the new person in your life.

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  • It's great for one night stands.

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  • I would talk about my exes with anyone on any date if I felt like the topic was worth bringing up. No reason to hide it, if they can't take me talking about exes and what went wrong, they are not worth my time.

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  • You should ideally never volunteer information about your ex or your previous relationship. If you want to talk about it, avoid comparing the ex to the current bloke, any aspect of the previous relationship as compared to the current one...

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  • No, definitely not. Your ex should not be on your mind, regardless of what the topic is on about.

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  • Who wants to hear about an ex? I surely don't.

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  • Bad idea? I mean it is kind of an interview so if you get asked why you got fired...

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  • I would be rude not to acknowledge their sister!! lol

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  • Just know him and open up with the time. It can be first date or it can be any. Just know the person then bring up.

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 24

  • I think your example is fine. It segues nicely into something like "oh did that help you get into some new classes or hobbies?"

    It just depends you know?

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  • I feel like if a person asks a questions about you and then you respond with "Well my ex..." That's a clear sign that you are not over them quite yet :P At least that's what it seems like to me.

    They weren't asking what type of music the ex liked, but about the person.

    I feel like it's okay if they want to talk and be open about their past. I find that respectable. But if they are going on and on about their ex and stuff that their ex did, that to me sounds like someone is having a hard time moving on.

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  • I totally understand!! I had a guy say on the first date that an ex of his was shy about eating infront of people just like he was, so they would sit beside each other instead of across... it made me cringe to hear about her, especially sincd it was a semi cute scenerio.. it made me feel insecure :/

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    • Yeah makes me cringe too. Also that is really cute dangit haha. I don't even know if it's insecurity or if it's more like "... so are you still into her because otherwise what are we doing here?" Haha obviously I'd never say that, but that's the idea

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    • @bbch25 yeah :/ i think the asker was right when she mentioned him possibly still into that girl... clearly he hadn't let go of her or else he wouldn't find associations with the memory of her :(

    • But @queennikki you're gorgeous too so don't think it's that! Sometimes people aren't over people. I had it happen to me a few months ago when I went out with this really cute guy... he brought up his ex TWICE for no reason and that made me upset cause I had fun with him... but then I realized I want someone just wanting something new with me, not to recreate the old or to hope that I was exactly like his ex

  • for me, id probably leave it till later. i wouldn't say no mention is off limits though. he did bring her up so if u wanna ask, why not?

    as for me, yeah id just be like 'oh okay', and just make a mental note to ask about that some other time when the opportunity allows.

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  • I think it was justified in this case... tho it wasn't necessary. Generally, I would avoid talking about my ex unless it's really necessary.

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  • why the fuck would you do that? lol

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  • I think that'd be a turn off for anyone.. just put yourself in their shoes and you'll know

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    • Well he's the one who said it to me so yes, I totally agree it's a turn off haha. It's just surprising to me because I never knew that people even existed who brought up their ex so early. Common sense, you know?

  • I think if the conversation naturally goes there it's okay to bring them up, or if the person asks about them but that is your own discretion. In general I think it's better to leave the ex topic alone.

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  • I wouldn't mind. It also depends. If he brought it up like that way with me, I wouldn't care. But if he just suddenly talked about his ex from nowhere then that is bad. Only difference is if it's indirectly or directly and how much you talk about them. If it's only him saying that, I wouldn't care

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  • I would limit it to no more than one mention (that wasn't asked by your date).

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  • Unless he or she asks about an ex don't mention them under any circumstances.

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  • Well i feel like its awkward if you state something like that, no need to bring the ex into it , could just say "oh yeah I've heard of them" once you mention ex, it could get awkward and then you would probably get questions related to the ex since they were ready mentioned..

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  • My boyfriend has been mentioning his ex's right from the get go. It always bothered me and now we've been together almost 6 months.. and it still bothers me. Especially when I'm around him and his friends and they all talk about his ex's in front of me and about the times when they were together. Majorly disrespectful to me! He's best friends with one of them aswell, and often hangs out with her. We've had several arguments about it!

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    • That's very disrespectful. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who consistently did that even if I said it bothered me. I get it if it's relevant, but his friends don't sound great either (and friends are a HUGE influence; I'm always wary of guys with bad friends). I know this was my question and you were answering, but from one girl to another: you deserve better. Maybe everything else is good, but he should respect you and be so proud to have you. Otherwise, he's not worth your time, even though that's really hard at times.

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    • Oh wow. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. Look up emotional abuse. It might not be full-on abuse, but he is certainly treating you in a very unhealthy way. Threatening a break up is so manipulative! You're supposed to feel safe in a relationship. It sounds like he has some serious issues of his own but he's trying to make you feel like you have issues. That's one of those scenarios that will take a while to detox from, but it's really unhealthy.

    • True, I think he is very insecure, but it plays on my insecurities too when he keeps talking about his ex's! He probably secretly likes the way it makes me feel, to feed his ego. Argh. Thanks so much for your input :)

  • Telling them about your ex is fine... if they ask! Comparing them is never ok.

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  • That's not a big deal

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  • yes i think its okay as long as you dont go on and on about them and if its explicitly clear that you are over them.

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  • It depends tbh. I like to know where he stands with his ex

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    • If I asked about an ex specifically then that would be okay. If he constantly mentioned her out of nowhere then it would be a huge issue.

  • Don't ever bring up ex on a date aha

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  • It is NEVER okay to mention an ex at any point unless asked!

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  • When I talked a lot about my ex. He broke up with me...

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  • My ex hardly drank but I found it to be more of a control thing that eventually became an apparent trait of his personality. He was happy to go clubbing & drinking with other women friends but didn't want "his woman" doing the same!
    We went to a concert & I had a few was only merry & enjoying the music but he acted like i was legless!! it just got boring as a busy working mum I need to let my hair down occasionally without hassle of the drink police!

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  • NO NO NO NO NO SO NOT OK

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  • after the update is obvious that he didn't really talk about his ex

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    • What do you mean? He didn't talk about her, it just had nothing to do with our conversation for him to bring her up. It just seemed like he threw that in there and I don't know why.

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    • Hmm thank you for that reply! I wish I had put the real scenario in there first so people could actually respond to that haha. But yeah I mean my dad said "hard and fast, never mention an ex" and many others have said that, but I didn't know if it was too extreme because of the conversation

    • i totally agree never mention an ex on a date, meaning never start talking about them, your life together etc. But in this instance the guy seem to talked about his drinking and didn't focus on the ex

  • I think it's weird to mention an ex so early. I mean, I won't write him off because of it, but if he keeps doing it then that's a red flag to me.

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    • I think it's weird too, that's why I asked. He didn't seem bitter or like he missed her or anything, it was very matter-of-fact, which is why I didn't know what to think of it. It's just common sense not to mention them at all, so it blows my mind when someone does because I avoid it at all cost haha

    • Yeah, I'm the same way about avoiding it lol. He probably just doesn't realize the impression it gives off. I'd say don't worry about it for now, but if it becomes a regular thing then mention it to him and hopefully he'll get the picture.

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