Guys (girls too) what would you think if a girl once declined a marriage proposal?

I was only 22 at the time (now I'm 28) and not really ready, he was already almost 7 years older than me. It resulted in an break-up within a short time followed by not ever hearing from him again.

Fast-forward to weeks ago: I was dating someone (not my bf) and the topic about how some guy's marriage proposal got declined in a basketball game stadium came and my date thought the girl was mean to say no, how she could have accepted it but postpone it because it's according to him it's already hard when guys get rejected when asking out a girl he likes on a date so a rejection like that it's like rejecting him as a whole.

When I told him about what I did long ago, he also thought I should have accepted it and pospone it. This is the same thing one of my friends told me long ago. At the time, yes I did felt some guilt even if part of me feels I did nothing wrong.

Updates:
Yes, at the time I thought about how it would have been better saying yes and posponing it even if I didn't want to.

But now I think it's right not to say yes if you really don't feel ready. So in your view, is it right to decline along with an explanation given as I did or should a girl spare his feeling and accept it but postpone it?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You must be really stupid to ask your girlfriend in marriage in front of an audience when you are not even sure she'll say yes. I actually find it disrespectful because you are putting undue pressure on her to accept because she doesn't want to humiliate you in public. If you do that, you deserve to be humiliated. You were right to decline. Your current boyfriend is being unfair.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • What the fuck? That dude is weird. No, you should not accept a proposal you don't want ever. You did the right thing saying no. It's so much worse to say yes and then change your answer later. Besides, if a guy asks a woman to marry him and she isn't ready, I really have no sympathy the him when she says no... a marriage proposal isn't something that should ever be sprung on someone when it hasn't already been talked about seriously, and it is definitely not something that should be done publicly if the person proposing isn't 100% sure the answer is yes and 100% sure the askee wants a public proposal. Springing something like that on someone who isn't ready for it is inconsiderate and selfish.

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    • I once read in here someone saying something on the lines of:
      The marriage proposal should not become as surprise. The surprise should only be the place and the way it's done.

    • @mikemx55 precisely. It should not be something that completely catches the person off guard.

What Guys Said 5

  • Ehh... not good.

    I think realistically... a man or woman, even at 22, should be open to marriage if they meet someone they actually love. What are y'all hoping to do later that you can't now?

    Hoping to have lots of casual sex? Drinking or drugs? What? You can travel with a spouse. Even if you don't make much cash, two people splitting housing fees makes it easier. School? Completely possible.

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    • Why should someone get married before they're ready? Or to someone they're not sure they want to spend the rest of their life with? That is the epitome of stupid.

    • Show All
    • If I'd married my "first love" it would have been the biggest mistake of my life! I'd have been divorced by 25 and I guarantee it would have been a bitter and drawn out divorce, given the way the breakup itself went. We had a great deal of passion in our relationship, but we were young and stupid and idealistic, and as soon as things got hard, he had a mental break and went full psycho on me. I am very, VERY glad I didn't marry him!!!

      Now, my boyfriend I am with joy who I began dating just over a year ago is my second love. Unlike the first, this love is boring - and I mean that in a good way! I am 100% sure that I can spend the rest of my life with him and be happy.

    • I wasn't ready and sure at the time if I wanted to marry him. I know he was a great boyfriend but I just wasn't at that point in life.

  • Yeaa is right... But then other person's feelings would be harmed... Like yours resulted in breakup...

    Hoe did your feel after breakup... Did he dump you?

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    • Yes, he dumped weeks later just when I thought everything has been talked and he seemed understanding. Little did I know he was preparing to cut me out of his life permanently and refused my friendship offer.

    • At the time yes, off course I was shocked about him walking out like that. I never said no to the relationship but he took it as if I'd rejected him as a whole and didn't recover.

  • No with an explanation of not being ready. He'll either respect your decision or reject it and move on. That's life.

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  • I think some guys propose very publically to put pressure on the woman to say "yes". I wonder how many women made a mistake this way.

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  • TO a large extent, if one person is 'not ready', unless it's outrageously early... that's sort of the end of the relationship, and on goes life.

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    • True. At the time it was nearly a year into the relatonship (11 months and 1 week to be exact).

    • TBH, my wife and I were early 20's and about that long together when we got engaged, but had a reasonably long engagement.

      Like if you knew you wanted HIM but weren't ready to marry for logistical reasons, i think you could have said so, and gotten engaged. But you weren't sure about -him-. And he wanted someone who a year in to a relationship, was as sure about him as he was about them.

      On goes life.

What Girls Said 6

  • I disagree with that guy and your friend. If you're not ready you're not ready. You shouldn't say yes and try and postpone it just to make someone feel better.. plus, what happens if you try and postpone it and he doesn't agree and then you get married earlier than when you're ready to be?

    You did nothing wrong. The whole point of a marriage PROPOSAL is he asks you the question, and YOU get to decide yes or no. ALSO.. surprise proposals make no sense at all. Logistically, marriages are a huge commitment as well. You have to both know that you're willing to do it, are financially stable enough to do it, have the same plans for the future and do want to be together. A proposal should never be a surprise in the sense that the girl has no clue that it's going to happen. A couple should talk about marriage and decide that they do want it together before the actual proposal.

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    • Thank you. I think so too. At the time, that was just my guilt when seeing him hurt. The relationship off course never recovered afterwards.

  • I was proposed to the summer after high school. I told him I wasn't ready yet. He basically gave me the ultimatum of 'now or never'. I didn't want to break up, I just didn't want to get married at 18. He walked. I do wish he had waited, because he was a great guy, but never once have I regretted not getting married when I was still practically a child. So I think you did the right thing by being honest with him.

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    • Thanks
      I agree that was way too young.

  • You didn't do anything wrong, marriage is a huge step if you're not ready your just not ready. I have seen many people get a divorce and they all say the same thing, " I wasn't really ready" or " it felt like I was getting forced to marry so I did" don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did the right thing.

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  • No of course you should not have accepted it if you didn't want to marry him. Postponing it is way worse than just saying no right away. That guy was a sissy.

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  • You shouldn't feel bad at all. You weren't ready for marriage. I'm not a huge fan of public proposals unless the guy is 100% sure she will say yes because they have talked about marriage.

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  • No I wouldn't think anything about it!

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