Hey. Been with my boyfriend now for almost a year.
here's the problem, he recently lost his job and is taking his anger and stress out on me.
I haven't seen him for two weeks and miss him like crazy.
All he seems to be doing is going to the gym and going home.
if I try to talk to him im told to leave him alone and go away.
I understand his position, but this is really hard also on me.
I have tried to help him look for jobs and he's just being frustrated.
I really want to see and spend time with him but don't wang to push him either
Most Helpful Guy
A lot of guys get there sense of self-worth from being a working man, making money and supporting themselves and treating their girl to a nice life. With the loss of a job all that is torn away along with dignity and pride. He now feels worthless and like he isn't worthy to be with you, or he doesn't deserve you. Because you are the source of some of these negative feels, he is lashing out at you. This is a hard time for him. He needs to fix this. Even you helping him is showing him further weakness. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. I think he needs a bit of time to himself for some sole searching and a personal reboot. He will come to you when he is ready.2
Most Helpful Girl
Basically, everyone needs a certain "sphere of influence" in her/his life, where she/he can exert control. And that's EVERYONE -- not just the type of people you typically think of as power-mongers or "dominant".
When this is suddenly taken away, it's as though a big part of the center of that person's world has been ripped out right from underneath her/him. Not only can the person feel helpless, but, often, life itself can start to feel less meaningful.
If you've ever had friends who've worked full-time and then left the working world to take care of babies full-time, you've probably seen the same thing happen.
Even if yr friends didn't work in particularly powerful or influential positions, work was almost certainly still where they had a big part of the autonomy, agency, and power in their lives. When they started to stay home, that was suddenly just GONE -- and that probably made a lot of them start acting neurotic.
They might have started picking stupid battles over stupid little crap in their houses, or micromanaging unimportant details of the family schedule, or... ANYTHING, in order to regain some measure of that power that they'd traded away by leaving work.
(If you haven't yet had any friends do the start-staying-home thing... just wait, believe me.)
You are seeing the same thing with yr boyfriend.
I think it's a bit overblown to say that "men define themselves as providers", or any of that. I mean, I'm sure that's still true to *some* extent, but, this isn't 1946 anymore (and I'm sure as hell glad it isn't, for one). That's not the reason yr boyfriend is mentally fucked up right now.
The reason is simply because his job was An Important Thing in his life, and it's been yanked out from under him, and he feels... impotent, basically. He's had that agency/power taken away from him, and not replaced with anything, and he doesn't know how to handle the situation.
YOUR job, right now, is 2 things, in order.
1) Don't make the situation worse.
2) Do what you can to make it better.
Note that #1 comes before #2.
"Talking" is almost certainly NOT something that he wants to do right now. What is there for him to talk about? What's bothering him is almost certainly subconscious, so, it's unlikely that he will be able to put an exact finger on it -- and, even if he can, it'll probably just add insult to injury from where he stands right now. So, yeah, don't try to force a conversation.
If I were you, I would try to3
- Show AllShow Less