Advice from guys please?

Hey. Been with my boyfriend now for almost a year.
here's the problem, he recently lost his job and is taking his anger and stress out on me.
I haven't seen him for two weeks and miss him like crazy.
All he seems to be doing is going to the gym and going home.
if I try to talk to him im told to leave him alone and go away.
I understand his position, but this is really hard also on me.
I have tried to help him look for jobs and he's just being frustrated.
I really want to see and spend time with him but don't wang to push him either


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Most Helpful Guy

  • A lot of guys get there sense of self-worth from being a working man, making money and supporting themselves and treating their girl to a nice life. With the loss of a job all that is torn away along with dignity and pride. He now feels worthless and like he isn't worthy to be with you, or he doesn't deserve you. Because you are the source of some of these negative feels, he is lashing out at you. This is a hard time for him. He needs to fix this. Even you helping him is showing him further weakness. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. I think he needs a bit of time to himself for some sole searching and a personal reboot. He will come to you when he is ready.

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    • Thanks.
      I feel like I've been annoying him and all I am
      Is concerned I guess.
      Im a typical woman who likes to talk (a lot) and he just shuts down.
      It was good to talk to him today without an argument and im happy about that.

    • That is good. One day at a time!

    • truthbeknown says it like it is!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Basically, everyone needs a certain "sphere of influence" in her/his life, where she/he can exert control. And that's EVERYONE -- not just the type of people you typically think of as power-mongers or "dominant".
    When this is suddenly taken away, it's as though a big part of the center of that person's world has been ripped out right from underneath her/him. Not only can the person feel helpless, but, often, life itself can start to feel less meaningful.

    If you've ever had friends who've worked full-time and then left the working world to take care of babies full-time, you've probably seen the same thing happen.
    Even if yr friends didn't work in particularly powerful or influential positions, work was almost certainly still where they had a big part of the autonomy, agency, and power in their lives. When they started to stay home, that was suddenly just GONE -- and that probably made a lot of them start acting neurotic.
    They might have started picking stupid battles over stupid little crap in their houses, or micromanaging unimportant details of the family schedule, or... ANYTHING, in order to regain some measure of that power that they'd traded away by leaving work.
    (If you haven't yet had any friends do the start-staying-home thing... just wait, believe me.)

    You are seeing the same thing with yr boyfriend.

    I think it's a bit overblown to say that "men define themselves as providers", or any of that. I mean, I'm sure that's still true to *some* extent, but, this isn't 1946 anymore (and I'm sure as hell glad it isn't, for one). That's not the reason yr boyfriend is mentally fucked up right now.
    The reason is simply because his job was An Important Thing in his life, and it's been yanked out from under him, and he feels... impotent, basically. He's had that agency/power taken away from him, and not replaced with anything, and he doesn't know how to handle the situation.

    YOUR job, right now, is 2 things, in order.
    1) Don't make the situation worse.
    2) Do what you can to make it better.

    Note that #1 comes before #2.
    "Talking" is almost certainly NOT something that he wants to do right now. What is there for him to talk about? What's bothering him is almost certainly subconscious, so, it's unlikely that he will be able to put an exact finger on it -- and, even if he can, it'll probably just add insult to injury from where he stands right now. So, yeah, don't try to force a conversation.

    If I were you, I would try to

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    • ... offer COMFORT above everything else.

      He's feeling really vulnerable right now. If you can show him that
      * You aren't going to make that problem worse, AND
      * You are there for him and you love him when he needs you the most (= now),
      ... then you'll earn a kind of trust that you really can't earn in better, easier times.

      If he's taking his stress out on you, by just yelling or screaming or carrying on... just let him. Let him do it.
      Watch him -- with adoration in yr eyes.
      Don't say words... Just watch him.

      Then put yr arms around him, and hold him, and tell him that you love him. Tell him that you've never loved him more than NOW.
      And... mean it.

      __

      Also, I don't know what the sexual history is like with the two of you, but, if you have any history of tempestuous angry sex, then, now would be the time to call on that particular spirit animal.
      Like, if he's ranting and raving, you could just grab him and start kissing him like you mean it, and

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    • Well, ok, you're a mental health professional and I'm not, but, still, I'd be at least wary of expecting "the signs" to be the same for everyone. If there's a chemical imbalance in his brain, that absolutely could affect him differently than it affects others -- especially if an external stressor (job loss) enters the picture.

      Good luck with whatever you choose. There's definitely not going to be any sort of easy option here.

      It may be that leaving him alone for a while is the best option.
      But, if you do this and you hear back from him later -- please, at least *consider* the idea that you're hearing back from an actually different person than the one you left. Someone with a different brain.

      Good luck.

    • I undestand and and thankyou.
      Im becoming so angry with him if im honest because of how he is now with me.
      I've decided I can't be with somone who doesn't show me any affection or know when I'll hear from him again.
      He has time for all his friends still and im pushed to the side like I don't matter.
      He can have all the space now that he wants

What Guys Said 5

  • just tell him to cut the crap and show you more respect. Also, to grow a set and finish his pity party

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  • then just give him some space and dont contact him for some time and im sure he'll gonna miss you and realize that he was being rude to you and then he'll contact you

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  • How is that taking his anger out on you? He wants to be alone, let him be alone.

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  • Try giving an ultimatum

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    • I did we "finished" two weeks ago as he feels im stressing him out. Now we are talking again

  • He feels pathetic and doesn't deserve a girlfriend is what he's thinking.

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    • Really?

    • Men want to feel like they can provide and without a job he can't. He feels less of a man

What Girls Said 1

  • maybe take him to a doctor?

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    • Trust me he won't go. Today when I spoke to him at about 3pm he was going to bed.
      He's unable to sleep properly.

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    • So, because something is perceived as normal, it should be done?

    • How would you know what he believes or what he does? For all you know, he used pills and medications for most of his life, or when he deemed it absolutely or physically necessary?

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