Are you a commitment phobe? What are you afraid of? What will make you commit?

I have been dating this guy for couple years now. We do all the things a couple does. Talked about marriage kids... I met his family and he met my siblings. We don't hide from the public but he still wants to call us "friends"... We have our ups and downs. I try to be patient and try not to force but it seems like every time we have sex he gets distant. He has a past of relationship that did not work and people who have left him. Is there a miracle? I keep telling him that I'm not going anywhere but it seems like that's not enough. Plus he was injured and and trying to finally recover financially. I love him and I really want this to work. What would you need from your lover if you struggled with being a commitment phobe?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • If you Care about him Unconditionally, patience is Virtue and the only Best from the rest you can do for Now Somehow... He is Scared at Getting too close to Someone and every time you both have Sex, it Seems to Show with Joe.
    However, a girl can get Old waiting for Maybes and Nothing in life but Death and taxes. It's totally up to you if you want to stick Around Town to see if a "Miracle" will Happen or Begin your own Beguine of Focusing on You and Finding Someone Special who Wants what you Want right Away Today.
    Good luck. xx

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    • Thank you, sweetie, for the Vote of Confidence. xxoo

    • I keep distancing and he keeps holding on. He has his up and down moments. So instead of doing the whole no contact method that people use I just stopped initiatiating and responses have been very short.

    • Focus on you, it sounds like a Full Circle Problem pattern of the yo you affect. xx

What Guys Said 33

  • the idea of a 'commitment phobe' is false. I think what guys really are is "monogamy phobes'. They don't want to give up the chase, even if they aren't particularly good at it.

    also, guys take commitment very seriously. There could be something to that, as well. Women tend to not take commitment seriously. Like, they'll claim to love someone, and then the first thing they do is try to change the person they love. To guys, this makes no sense at all. You can't say you love spoons then try to sever and separate the ends of one so that it resembles a fork. That's loving forks.

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  • It took me five years to marry. What got me to do it is she thought I was going to propse one Christmas and I didn't. She took it well but I coukd see she was hurt. I thought I might lose her and that it wasn't really fair. So, I proposed. We have been married 30 years this year. All is well.

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  • I've never been afraid of commitment, it's the only way I roll. I however find women thinking I'm too good to be true, I've worked hard to be the person I am. I will only cherish a woman's heart that is given to me and not take her for granted. I was rejected recently and wanted nothing more to take of a women like her, but she still has trust issues, I guess.

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  • The truth is that there's nothing *you* can do to fix him. He has to want to fix himself and seek help. As long as you are always there, he can just put off getting help. Sorry.

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  • for me trust, if I find a loyal lady which I can trust that she will not hurt me or cheat on me in her weakest stage or my weakest stage then I'm ready to sign a contract with the devil if it's needed and give her half of my years left !
    nothing is like the feeling of having someone who sees only you and ready to die with you if it takes !

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  • I'll only commit if a girl is on the same page as I am.

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    • So are you saying if you are not ready she should wait around?

    • nah, she should pursue what she is looking for in life. timing is almost everything.

  • Why need anything at all from anyone else, lover or not? There are many reasons for being a commitment phobe as there are reasons not to be a phobe too. The real irony is always when someone wants you to commit to their version of hell, but won't take yours. You probably should not be telling him that you won't be going anywhere because at some point you will go or leave. Though personally I would go through hell to save those I loved or even hated when called or I chose to, commitment is scary, riddled with pain or reasons to stay loyal with something or someone that might be better left alone. It is not really possible to stay forever, is it? You look nice, determined, or caring from what I read, but why is commitment so important to you?

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    • I am a go with the flow type of person but I'm trying to prevent a breakup. I can get hurt if he does not commit. To me commitment is security. I just want to feel safe knowing that he is with me and only me. Also it's good to feel like I'm the only one he needs. It makes me feel like I'm providing everything a man needs. Ge even told me that I'm amazing... it's something new to him and I'm trying to get him to trust that I can be there through thick and thin. He shouldn't push me away bc he's not where he wants to be. He needs to have faith

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    • The feelings are relevant no doubt about that. He thinks I deserve so much and he is scared of letting me down. He should follow his dreams and have faith that everything will work out. If it doesn't then it doesn't. Yes it's a possibility I could get hurt but we have learned our bond is so strong and communication is so real. We never peep behind the bush. I just want to try so that we don't look back and wonder what if. That's how I live life.

    • Yet, no matter which choice is made, as long as one can think, one will probably still be wondering what if different choices were made?

  • I am FAR from a commitment-phobe... but I feel a lot of men and women my age and younger are commitment-phobes. Mainly because of FEAR of emotional hurt. Such weak pansies.

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  • Yes, I never want to commit by choice. Why that's hard to explain, however I do have my reasons.

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  • Why are a large and increasing number of men of all ages refusing to commit?
    See The Sexodus, by Milo Yiannopoulos:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwPFnvniA7w

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  • I say give him time, but when you have reached your limit, bounce.

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  • My greatest fear of commitment comes from the doubt that I will not live up to expectations of what a "committed guy" should be or should do. I'm fine with being with only one girl, but since I'm going to be only one for her then I'd better be worth it. Hope thus makes some sense, I wish I were more articulate lol.

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  • I'm not so much a commitment phobe as a stickler for perfection in every action or association. I'm more or less tired of being disappointed by people. I would commit myself to the first person who accepts a relationship with me on my terms. My only requirement is that the chick shouldn't expect continuous communication 24x7 in the form of inane chitchat.

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  • never been afraid to commit, its those who see what I look like have a phobia of what their family and friends will thing about me.

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  • I don't believe that a single partner will be right for me for the rest of my life. It's like me eating only vanilla ice cream. There are multiple flavors I want to try out from time to time. I may have a favorite but I still want to enjoy others.

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  • Just be you and make him smile and laugh and tell him to focus on the fact your there.

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  • Commitment is the last thing I'd ever run from or be afraid of.

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  • I would need to be able to trust her, to do right by me, so i can do right by her.

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  • The only reason i don't commit myself sometimes is because i don't love her that much, and i fear that would hurt her. My current crush is the only one i'll probably commit myself to in some months if she wants to commit herself too.

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  • Your girlfriend , if you have to find a way out of this problem is a matter of agreement between you anlaşıl. b , if an enemy launched darling , I separate waysYour girlfriend , if you have to find a way out of this problem is a matter of agreement between you anlaşıl. b , if an enemy launched darling , I separate ways

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  • yes afraid to commit because of my first relationship experience

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  • I'm sacred that i'll be a terrible boyfriend when i eventually get my first girlfriend. I'm scared that i'll be a failure, that i won't be able to please her in the bedroom and scared of getting hurt again

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    • I'm sure you'd be a great boyfriend, don't hold yourself back :)

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    • you dont learn how things wrk without taking them apart in one form or another. even with math you break it down then build it up.

    • in your case, say you always had perfect relationships then someone died. you have zero experience in dealing with loss. there's no guarantee for anything, but we learn how to make things work to or best ability, and how to not fall apart when they dont work. learning how to be sad and be ok , is just as if not more important as learning what you ned to be ok in the first place.

  • if i´m genuinely inlove and think you are the perfect match, that will make me commit.

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  • I'm not afraid of commitment at all. It has to happen sometime. I'd just like to do it at my own pace, like everything else.

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  • I'm a commitment phobe. It's because once I do commit I really commit.

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  • I can't commit to someone because right now, I am still very selfish and don't want to have to consider another person's well-being outside of my coworkers when making a professional decision.

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  • My opinion is give him time. It doesn't seem like he is ready and u should step back. If sex is a problem that's really bad. Just be there for him as a friend. But don't bury yourself anymore.

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  • I am dying to commit actually but no one's been interested yet. So well unlucky me haha

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  • there hoes ain't loyal lol

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  • now i m.

    its always a tug of war of powwer and attraction

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 21

  • I was for most of my life and to this day, I still can't pinpoint exactly what scared me so much. I would really like people and want to be with them, but the second it got too real I would get a lot of anxiety and have this feeling of being trapped. It was like an emotional claustrophobia. Honestly, nothing really helped either. I'd explain to guys about how I was feeling when they would want to enter a relationship with me, and even though they did everything in their power to lessen my anxiety, nothing helped. My fears weren't brought on by getting hurt though, so my experience might be different from your guy's. For me, the only thing that helped was falling in love. I ended up falling in love with a close friend of mine and I think the fact that he had no idea took a lot of the pressure off. The idea of losing him if I didn't express my feelings scared me more than my fear of relationships and I've been with him ever since. For me, it was just a matter of meeting the right person, someone I couldn't imagine my life without. Don't take this as a bad sign though, your guy was hurt and is now very guarded. I was just terrified of being trapped.

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  • in my case, i was the commitmentphobe.

    that said, it wasn't commitment i was afraid of. in fact, i'm very much a one-person woman and always have been. but what scared me was the idea of letting someone close enough to hurt me; giving someone that kind of power and trusting them not to abuse it was utterly terrifying.

    eventually, i met a guy who was willing to work to earn my trust. and, in time, i did come to trust him... and, suddenly, the idea of commitment (especially marriage) didn't seem so scary anymore.

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  • i could say i am.. since the guys i meet doesn't take me seriously from the beginning which is what i don't understand much. Maybe coz they are looking for a hookup and it just so happen i am the girl next in line. Therefore, i became cautious coz i open up easily with people and being easily attach is one of my concerns when in the end, i am the only one who gets affected.

    for your case, im sorry but i don't think you could change his mind instantly and i think the time he would accept what you want from him is when he realize and accept your current relationship and forgive or forget the past including himself. If he is stuck with the past thinking or "too afraid", unless he'll have courage one day he wouldn't cross the boundary. He has to learn to let go and see the present and hopefully the future with the past as PAST.
    Also, mind if i ask, why would he be distant when you have sex?

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    • I think he is trying not to get his emotions involved and it's hard for him not too. I can tell he really likes me. He's just scared and he tries not to show it

  • I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm only interested in a mutual committed relationship but I'm afraid of giving my heart to the wrong guy.

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  • In general, no. I almost got married (and would have been, probably unhappily, right now, had I not been dumped at Christmas in front of my family in 2014).

    For right now, I don't want to be in anything serious. I'm dating someone, but I know that it will never go anywhere. For now, that's what I want. People keep saying "Oh, you never know where this could lead! He could be the one!" but I do know. It's not going anywhere. We're not compatible for the long term, and that's okay. I'm fond of him, and I like spending time with him. It doesn't need to be anything else for the moment.

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  • I am soooooo terrified of commitment😥😳
    However, I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years cause I really do love him and want this to work. Its not that I don't love him at all because I do so much. But sometimes I have a little panic about commitment - but I can't help it, because I worry that we might not be right for each other and being together forever scares me a little occasionally. But once he gives me a hug and talks with me I'm usually fine.

    Its not his fault and you have been dating for a couple of years so he definitely loves you. But talk to him about it and tell him how you feel x

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    • if it doesn't work you leave. whats the problem?

    • Its difficult to explain, you love the person but at the same time feel 'vulnerable'. If you really love the person you don't just 'leave', breaking up is difficult and if you get too close to a person in a relationship it is easy for them to hurt you. Its a phobia, just like how some are afraid of the dark/spiders. I think its called gamophobia.

  • No not afraid just tired of disappointment. I finally came to peace with begin single forever.

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  • o i think commitment phobia is just another way of saying not interested. there's no commitment the can't be un-done if its necessary. so what exactly is the 'fear'.

    i have concerns getting involved with people if I'm not sure what we both want bc its an unknown , but i dont fear commitment bc there's really no such thing.. its not like a job where if you lose it you int pay bills.

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    • and worrying about being close to someone isn't even the same as committee. people can be close and not be committed, they can be committed and barely like each other. but different than love where you can love even if you dont want to-commitment onlylasts as long as you want it. so whats the 'fear'.,

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    • there is no such thing as being taken advantage of unless under threat. no loss of freedom unless as a relationship is comprised of what the two people make of it. he can't loose his freedom as a free person. he does what he wants she does what she wants, if it doesn't work together hey break up. these 'fears' are paranoia based on an illusion. no one uses freedom and no one gets taken advantage of because you can leave anytime.

      i could worry about' loss of freedom' if i believed my partner is supposed to or allowed to control me, which i dont. you dont lose anything if you stand up for yourself in a relationship and know when to get out. not ng to 'worry' about.

    • I agree it's an irrational thought, however for many guys it's real. Fear basically stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

  • well i wouldn't call myself a commitment phobe, but i am very picky. not because i have extremely high standards, but because i want someone who make me feel a certain way. im searching for that perfect vibe. i know it may seem kind of out there, but every time i looked past the vibe and dated someone just because they sounded good on paper (like were very caring and considerate, did anything to make me happy, had a job, a future, and so on) but had a vibe i didn't care for, it did not end well. i was still unhappy with the relationship. so now im not wasting time on pointless relationships. if im just not feeling him, its not happening.

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  • Sometimes there really isn't much for you to do. To me, this is just something the person needs to work through themselves and all their s/o can do is be patient and supportive.

    I say this because I'm kind of in the same situation with my boyfriend, though I'm in your guy's place and you in my boyfriend's. There's just a lot that must be worked through in this situation and is mostly the person's with the commitment issues' place to change things.

    All I can say is keep doing what you are doing because that's all you really can do.

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  • I'm not the commitment-phobe. Everyone who's ever dated me is. At the end of the day, don't waste your time waiting for someone to change, they never will. I won't date anymore because nobody has ever wanted to commit to me.

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  • that is the last thing id ever be afraid of.

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  • I guess he is afraid of committing.

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  • I'm not a commitment phobe. But if I were, I wouldn't get involved long term with anyone. That would be kind of like stringing them along.

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  • a1. Yes = I am a serial dater who believes monogamy is unnatural.

    a2. Not afraid just unwilling due to too many options + hate being told what to do + get bored easily + was born restless.

    a3. NOTHING whatsoever x 10000000000000000000000!!!

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  • Sometimes people say that and they do it so that you will leave them alone and they can go off with someone else.

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  • I am a commitment phobe. Sole reason bc I am afraid of getting hurt. But currently, I have this guy that I am willing to commit myself to him, bc he is worth it.

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  • Probably cuz I can never commit to people cuz I get bored of them after 4 days

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  • I've never been afraid of commitment but I've always been afraid of getting hurt.

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  • No, I am desperate for commitment

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  • Some people use commitment phobia as an excuse not to pursue a relationship with you, when in reality, they are not commitment phobic, they are just not interested in pursuing a relationship with you

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