I want to go through his text messages with a couple of close female friends. Am I being unreasonable?

I am in a fairly long term relationship with my boy. There are times when I want to go through his phone to look at his text messages. I know a lot of people would frown upon it, but sometimes I have these uncontrollable urges where I want to look at his texts especially with a couple of his female friends in particular. I know these girls personally and I know there isn't anything to worry about, but I can't help but wonder what they talk about considering they text pretty frequently (about once and day) and are really close to each other. One of the reasons behind them texting frequently is because these two girls are in another country and and we see them once a year generally and he is quite fond of them as they are old university friends. Am I being illogical about wanting to see his phone?

Updates:
I don't know why everyone has gone off in the 'you don't trust him' direction. Especially since I have myself mentioned
'I know these girls personally and I know there isn't anything to worry about, but I can't help but wonder what they talk about considering they text pretty frequently'

If I say that I know there isn't anything to worry about, I think that makes it pretty clear about the fact that I do trust him. Me wanting to see the texts are more to do with curiosity about what could they possibly talk about that they need to text each other every day. It is more to do with curiosity rather than trust.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • At your age, calling him "my boy" sounds condescending. That may not be what you intend, but that is how it sounds. A successful relationship requires love, trust, and respect. At this point, you don't trust him and you don't respect him, so I would suggest that you not be planning a wedding any time soon. This relationship may never get that far!

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    • How is calling my boyfriend 'my boy' disrespectful? Nobody thinks men calling their girlfriends 'my girl' is disrespectful. And this is the first time I've heard that 'my boy' is disrespectful. I call him that so many times in front of our friends or families and no one takes an offence. About planning a wedding, this post isn't about planning a wedding at all, it's about me asking if it's okay to go through his phone. I was talking about an urge to go through his phone. I have not said that I already have gone through his phone. It's really funny how you can predict everything about our relationship and judge me just by one small post. I had asked for constructive feedback, not character assassination.

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    • I am not from the US and it is perfectly okay to say 'my boy' where I come from. I don't need to ask him because I know he is okay with it. He calls me his girl, so I know he won't have a problem with 'my boy'. I don't need to hold a site wide poll to know if a harmless nickname is offensive or not.

      Thank you for giving me your permission to hold a wedding. Though I am clueless where talks about a wedding came from since I've not mentioned it once.

    • Yes, a trust is essential. Without it, why even bother? Friend of mine is dating a girl who goes through his phone on regular basis. Guess what? He still manages to flirt with other women just to get even with her.
      Obviously, she has no idea but he gets a kick out of it. Had these two people trusted and respected one another, they could have a good relationship. In the meantime, I'm sitting back and waiting for an announcement that they broke up for good.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes you are, and this is coming from someone who is insecure. I feel like my boyfriend can do better than me because he is hot, and I am plain. However, he is very devoted to me. He only has eyes for me. I've never gotten jealous of him and his female friends, and I've never wanted to look at his texts. There have been times when he'll show me a text and say: "Oh look at what so and so sent me," but otherwise I've never had the urge to snoop through his texts. I thought I was bad with my insecurties, but you seem to take it to a completely different level.

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What Guys Said 11

  • " I have these uncontrollable urges"
    ...
    Jealousy may kill your relationship. Get over these urges. If it's mere curiosity, show genuine interest in them.

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  • while i could care less either way if i was in a relationship i dont think it would bother me if my girl asked. it may sound intrusive but if it helps my girl feel better whats it gonna hurt? i mean the most she would find in texts is those male enhancing pills lol and no one really texts me unless its family. but thats just me since im not one to be touchy about privacy when i dont think i hide anything if in a relationship.

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  • If it's curiosity rather than lack of trust, why the need to go through all of his texts? You could simply ask him what he's talking about... whether you believe him or not after that would be the real indicator of trust.

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  • Nah that is a huge invasion of privacy. Especially if you go around snooping on his phone without his permission.

    And you can spin it however way you want, but you clearly do not trust him. "curiosity" my ass lol.

    If you are really just curious, ask him why does he text them so frequently. You should be satisfy with his answer, if you are still not satisfy with the answer and insist on seeing the phone, then you aren't curious, you just don't trust him.

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  • If you have a legitimate reason to think he is cheating, than bring it up to him. If not, do not go through his phone. That's part of what ended my last relationship - she could never trust me.

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  • I wouldn't let my girlfriend go through my messages because it's none of her business and she should trust me enough to know I'm not doing anything inappropriate

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  • yes, you are being crazy

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  • Have you met his female friends? I think you should.

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  • i think you are violating his privacy especially because you are snooping around in his text messages with your friends.

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  • yes, you are being unreasonable.

    PD: the dark humor behind these situations, is that the more possesive people behaves, the more they push their partner away.

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  • No you have zero right. You do it and he will lose all trust in you.

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What Girls Said 11

  • Yes. If you trust him there's no reason to want to go through his private messages. Because that's what they are: private. And you have no right to go through them, just as he doesn't have the right to go through yours. Instead, try to get rid of your insecurity issues.

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  • Bad idea. If you are curious, ask him. Don't invade his privacy. If you are THAT curious, it does imply you have some trust issues in the relationship.

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  • All I can say girl, is how often do you talk to your friends. I'm at uni and I talk to my best friend like three times a day (via text, the only people I ring is my family) and/or I send her random messages which I think she'll be interested in or that'll make her laugh. If you have nothing to be worried about as you said ask him whats up with (names of girls) etc if its a simply curiosity thing anyway, no need to be secretive of it, nothing good comes out of that. The only thing I dont understand with your statement is why you need your mates with you while reading the texts?

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    • I don't know why you think I want my friends with me while reading the texts.

    • Oh sorry my mistake, I misread the sentence I want to read his text messages with a couple of close friends. opps feel silly now

  • Would you be ok if he took your phone & went through all your texts with his buddies? All without your knowledge.

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    • I don't know where the talk about 'without his knowledge came from'. I have not said anywhere in the post that I am planning to steal his phone and look at them. I couldn't anyway, his phone is locked and I don't know the password.

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    • I for one would not have a problem if he wanted to go through my phone. In fact, I often hold my phone up to him to show him what me and my friends are talking about him, just because I want to show him how important he is to me. Similarly if he ever talks about me to his friends and if they have said something nice, he will show it to me. It is just to show each other that our friends approve of our choice.

      Also, I don't know what gives you the idea that his friends would want to look at my texts. I have not said anywhere that I want to look at his texts in the presence of my friends.

    • Sorry I miss read the question. The wording I thought it was you & a few close friends would go through his phone not that he was texting your close friends.

  • You have every right.. forget what everyone else says if they disagree.

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  • Yes, you are

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  • You obviously don't trust him and are totally illogical... the end!!!

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  • I can totally see where you're coming from. That's what I want to do sometimes too. I know my boyfriend has girl friends he talks to, but I don't know what they talk about, if they flirt, etc. I'll never know. He knows I have trust issues, but I've never once asked to look at his messages. The fact that I want to will never change. Maybe you should talk to him about it? Who knows, maybe he'll let you. But don't let those thoughts get the better of you. There's most likely nothing to worry about.

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  • You are insecure and you will get dumped soon

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  • It happens sometimes with me, but I found that this killing me slowly as I dont stop by one time.. I wanted to see everyday.. Or everytimes his mobiles rings..
    I think it is better to have tust in him & believe if he is true he won't text anything which you dont like.. Believe me it is better for your relationship as most of the men doesn't like that.

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  • Yes itv isVERY UNREASONABLE. Friends can get jealous and deceive you

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