Can anyone help me figure out how not to be so weird when it comes to dating?

Lame, question I know, but I've lately come to terms with the fact that there is something wrong with me. Like, I have absolutely no interest in dating guys, and I'm ok with being alone for the rest of my life with no experience. The other part of me doesn't want that but all I see people doing is going to parties and becoming alcoholics and drug addicts. And all the guys that I'm attracted to do this! And people who drink excessively repulse me and I actually get physically ill. I don't know why I link guys with just being stupid drunks, but that's usually all I see (I am in college, but it's like EVERY guy). That and the fact of dating terrifies me so much that if I actually think about being in a relationship and being extremely social (I'm a bit of a hermit.) actually gives me a panic attack and I almost throw up. I don't know what to do to stop being like this and I was wondering if anyone could help me?! Please!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Haha, where was a girl like you first year? I too was the aforementioned hermit, at least in my first year of University. I didn't make too many friends and definitely didn't really embrace the college experience until second year. Everyone's entitled to be an idiot if they so choose, and if it's really a turn off just don't associate with them. Don't bash them or anything, you have to respect the choices that other people make (with the exception of extreme ones obviously) but it's definitely not something you should waste your time dwelling on.

    This may come off as insulting but please take it in stride, after all I'm just some random person on the internet. Having such an attitude towards those who party excessively is very immature. I was like that first year, I thought of such people as beneath me, but to be honest I was the immature one and some of my friends who are complete druggies and drunks are among the most intelligent people I know, when sober. There are so many people in the world and you're not going to get along with all of them.

    Although this may sound contradictory, what you have said also sounds very mature in the sense that you recognize where to draw the line. There are very few 4th year students constantly partying; you grow up. By about 3rd year you have a general idea of what you want to do, you have responsibilities, and you're actively seeking extra-curriculars to gain experience for your resume, you just don't have the time to f*** around as much as you used to. Sounds like you've already outgrown that whole 'stupid college kid' phase full of rash decision-making and you should be proud.

    The point is, don't generalize. Not everyone is like that. When I started dating I would always pick up girls at parties, many of the relationships were doomed from the start and usually ended up with me being the asshole for calling it off because they just ended up being party floozies. After a while I stopped picking up at parties, I met girls in the library, during class, at the gym, etc. Hell, I even met a girl who was doing door-to-door charity work and we ended up dating. These relationships tended to last longer because these girls lead a more balanced lifestyle.

    My advice? It's no secret that women mature faster than men but you just might be mingling with the wrong crowd, perhaps you need an older guy who is better able to manage his life. I can assure you, not all guys are 'idiots' like the ones you described. With respect to the anxiety, if you can't explain what causes it you might want to seek counseling. There's no shame in it, it's completely discreet, and most universities offer such a service for free. For all you know it could be a disorder and you're genetically pre-disposed, or even just an occurrence of one; don't consider yourself weird. In my second year I had bouts of depression, anxiety and insomnia, I probably should have gone to counseling, but with time I got over it.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Nothing lame about it AT ALL. I used to drink too much and then I found out when I quit that the gang wasn't amusing any more. Most will get past this phase if they don't die first.

    As far as getting ill when you think about being social, I'm not sure what to say. I mostly have question like when did it start? Any bad experience? Are there no guys at all who you like to talk to or ever think about even hugging? Do you like movies where things do work out? Is the conversation part scarier than the intimacy or the other way around? Do you worry about catching something? (I do).

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    • I guess it started when I was young (I was pretty much bullied my whole life). I like to talk to some of my guy friends and I randomly hug them, but only in a friend way, any other way and I just feel really weird. I do like movies where things work out, and I think intimacy does scare me and I worry all the time if I do catch something. that and I don't know what my sexuality is completely yet, so I feel that if I do experiment with a guy ill find out and ill just be upset.

  • hi,

    that's not too weird.always helps to talk out aloud :-)

    U are just mixing ur feelings up with every other thing, even ur attitude is sampling the effects of those.when in such a situation being hermit helps (helps you think bout urself in a different perspective)

    But before doing that, rage on to some better stuff that makes you think different. Catch hold of some good books (don know if they still have the good ol M&B's - terrific to gain insights into the dreamy worlds of prince charmings), movie would do too (the ones that are different from crime/perversion/dysfunctional themes, a calm serene no logic movie).

    Doing weirder things makes you think bout the differences.really helps out

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  • You won't find the guys you are looking for at a party. You'll probably find them in their dorm room being a hermit too. I drink, but not excessive all the time. I mainly drink for sport and to get out in the social scene. I tend not to drink more than a beer at parties simply for the fact that it is harder to pick up girls when you can't stand up. Other than going out on weekends, I am pretty much a hermit. And the girl I am seeing is also a hermit at her college and doesn't drink much. Just give it time, you'll find what you are looking for.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Well I think for one thing you're hanging around the wrong guys! I know it's hard when you're in college because that's what mostly everybody is doing. But not everybody. Before I got married I dated a few guys who didn't drink at all. My husband being one of those guys actually. So it's entirely possible. They are out there, lol.

    It's also not that weird to not be all about finding a man. There's a whole range of people out there. Plenty of people are totally happy to be alone. Some people just want more or a tight friendship. Some want love. Some want sex. Some want fun. And everything in between.

    What is it EXACTLY about dating that freaks you out so much? Is it the physical stuff? Is it just that you don't know what to do or say around guys? Is it just the social thing, that being in a social setting with ANYBODY would freak you out equally? I think figuring out what it is exactly that freaks you out so much will really help you. Hard to "fix" something if you don't know what it is you are trying to "fix". Once you know what your real issue is, then you can try to fix it.

    In the meantime, I would try to find a way to expose yourself to something other than typical college guys. Even as a "hermit" there has to be stuff that interests you, so try to find a way to get into something "social" that incorporates those interests. Don't go with the INTENTION of meeting guys but hopefully it will help you deal with your social issues, put you a little more at ease, AND expose you to some new types of guys that will give you some hope, lol.

    Also, if you come to find that you REALLY are happy just being alone, don't let anyone (or yourself) convince you that there is anything wrong with that! If it makes you happy then that is all that matters and being happy and alone is better than forcing the issue and being in relationships that you really don't want to be in anyway!

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    • Yeah, I don't know what to say and stuff, and then I usually end up talking about my issues some how (I don't know how I just do), and I have no idea what to say. and I feel that if I'm in a crowd of strangers and are usually mostly drunk (at parties) I feel severely insecure and I get upset. and I guess that part of the reason that I freak out around guys is because I don't know my sexuality and I don't know if ill like it..its just all frustrating.

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