How do I figure out why a guy keeps going hot and cold, without accusing him?

A guy (27) I was dating for a month disappeared for 2 weeks, but I (cautiously) decided to give him a second chance after receiving a sincere apology (he was busy with his work), and I also did quite like him. In the week before he disappeared the first time, communication had cooled down, and he took 24 hours to respond to texts as opposed to texting me every morning and being interested in my day. I just took as lack of interest, swallowed my pride and moved on, so it was really surprising, that when he apologised, he didn't want "us " to end. So, was he showing lack of interest or not?

The confusion starts here.

After getting back in touch he made every effort to see me and he would text me every day (not constantly) and the messages were fun, flirty and entertaining. However after spending last weekend at his, things have now changed back into that "cool" period like before. The cycle is repeating itself again; texts aren't as frequent, and when he does, they're not with the usual energy as before. He's told me his longest relationship was 9 months, whereas I'd been with my ex for several years, so I don't think he's had many meaningful relationships. He also hadn't sex for a year when we first slept together.

The main issue is, how do I communicate the above, without making it sound like I'm accusing him? I haven't pushed the issue, but this is driving me nuts. Does he just lack experience? Or is he playing hot and cold on purpose to keep control?

Tl;Dr - how do I figure out why a guy keeps going hot and cold, without accusing him?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Your story is identical to mine. I ran into an old associate after 3 years of not seeing him. He invited me out to dinner that next week and everything was smooth. I wasn't really in to him but he was very persistent. I decided to go on another date with him and this time I started to enjoy his company. He liked me because I was mysterious and carried myself like a lady. One night, we decided to have sex and it was amazing. We had sex almost everyday. Before work, after work it was sex non stop.
    A few weeks later, the good morning text faded away. The dates were non existent. I was lucky to even get a "hi" text mid day. I noticed the only time he would text me was during the wee hours of the night. I would wake up to texts that would say "Hey" at 2:30 in the morning. I put my phone on "Do Not Disturb" so I wouldn't be tempted to answer his texts.
    After 3 weeks of not seeing each other, he finally reached out to me like his old self. As I was laying in his bed, I asked him when was the last time he had sex. He hesitated and then said to me "last week". I proceeded to leave but he stopped me and told me how I'm not like any girl he's met and he enjoys my company. That night, we slept together but it didn't feel the same. I felt like he was using me and I seen myself as impure.
    That was the last time I heard from him for a while. For a month, I fought with myself. I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone. I cut contact with my friends and family because I needed time by myself. I let this man determine my self worth. My dignity. Myself. I let this fling become this God-like figure in my head. I was so blinded by his accolades, I dismissed mine. I created different scenarios in my head about why he wasn't in to me.
    Finally, I realized what happened. I never got the chance to let him see me as a person. I used sex as a expressive way to show my loyalty to him. No amount of money, education, love and faith will let him see me in another way other than sex.

    After I realized this, I started a journey of finding my self worth and healing. It sounds silly but I don't regret anything between us. You have to respect yourself. You have to respect your self. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. Know your worth. Does he make you orgasm during sex? If not, get yourself a toy and leave this BOY alone. Women hold power between their legs but it doesn't define us. Don't cook for him. Don't be available.

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    • I also wanted to add. A year later he reached out to me. It was small talk and nothing sexual. He said he missed me but I didn't say it back. We didn't keep in contact and 4 months later, I heard from a friend he was getting married. Why would he say he missed me when he was in a serious relationship? Who knows. Six months later, he was married and I was single. That was the final closure I needed. Two months later, he reached out to me on SC to see how I was doing. We had small talk and he wanted me to send him a video of myself (I was at a karaoke bar) singing. I kindly declined. I don't think he knows I know he's married because I don't have a FB or IG. To make matters worse, his wife was pregnant at the time. I no longer speak to him and I severed ties with him. I'm not sure why he came back besides me being an awesome person ;)

      To make a long story short, once he sees you doing good and respecting yourself... HE WILL COME BACK. A baby and vowel before God didn't stop mine.

What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • It's because he's an asshole. trust me, it's not worth it.
    either he's playing with you, or he's having some personal issues that are messing up his feelings, and in the latter case he needs some time to think and fix himself up.

    either way, I'd advise you to forget about him. don't hurt yourself.

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  • The same is happening to me right now and that's what I want to know why are guys doing that...😒

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  • You're been dating for a month. I think it's pretty clear that he's talking to other girls and that you're not a priority. I think you can have a conversation but it's not going to fix anything. He's just not that into you

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