Why am I so mean to guys I date?

Every time I start dating a new guy I feel like I compare him to my first boyfriend (who I was madly in love with). I become a bitch and make these guys change to fit my desires. I will start throwing tantrums with them and go into mood swings where I say mean hurtful things to them. THis usually only happens when I drink. I feel so bad for saying these mean things, but I cannot stop it. For some reason I feel like I am better than these guys and I know that's very selfish of me to think. These guys always forgive my mood swings and come back to me with arms open, but eventually the mood swings get to them and they pull away from me. By this time in the relationship I usually develop feelings for the guy, but I have already said so many hurtful words that I push them away from loving me.

So basically I push guys who like me away at first and then eventually develop strong feelings for them. but, by that time they have already been hurt by me and they pull away from me. What should I do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It is possible you might have some behavioral or hormonal issues, however it is normal for a woman to test the boundaries of a man. Men often misunderstand what's going on and respond by apologizing or getting upset.

    For example, a woman may not respond to you for a day when you text. She is doing this to make sure you are less interested in her than she is in you. Or a woman might tease you about something you're sensitive about such as a short guy's height. She wants to see that you're confident and that you don't care what other people think about your alleged flaws.

    Men often misinterpret this behaviour as "being bitchy", however it is actually a form of flirting. Women are attracted to strength and coincidence, and by giving you an opportunity to display your strength she is giving you a chance to turn her on. Of course there are women out there who are bitches and actually enjoy making fun of people, but in most cases if a woman is talking to you she is at least open to being attracted to you if you are charming enough. A woman with no interest will just ignore you.

    Going back to the example, by not caring if she does or doesn't respond to your texts you make her wonder about. Women instinctively know that being with a woman is one of the top desires on a mans list, so if she doesn't hear from you she can only assume there are other women who have your attention which makes you a higher value male. If you keep texting a woman who doesn't respond it shows you are a very low value man.

    Hopefully that gives you some insight into your behavior and why you are "bitchy". Might be bad behavior, or might just be you want a man who can show his strength and turn you on. Probably a bit of both though.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Stop? Lol.. It sounds like you're already aware of yourself doing it, just be more aware in the moment. Right when you catch yourself about to flip a shit, ask yourself why and whether or not it's worth it and if you even need to. Also drink less if that's one of the issues.

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What Guys Said 16

  • Probably start by reversing the process. develop strong feelings first lol.
    I think your first boyfriend spoiled you in some kind of way, must have been that nice, "anything you want baby" kind of guy...(let me guess, he broke up with you?)
    and now you try to change new guys in the hopes of recreating him and throw tantrums when they do the human thing of not letting that happen.
    I think you just like to get your way... and when you don't you act upset in the hopes that that would let you get your way. eventually when people get tired of it, they leave and the strong feelings come in, not because you feel like you like them, but because again, you want to have your way.

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  • Deep down you have this expectation for the person to be and when they dont fit that mold, you become hostile, angry, and try to change someone they are not

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    • You are right, I agree completely. But, how can I change my behavior? I don't want to be mean and hostile, but I feel like its a defense mechanism I use unfortunately.

    • Its not easy, but that first boyfriend you had was a part of YOUR PAST. You are letting the past run your life in the present. You need to let go of the past, move on, accept it for what it is.

  • Its normal for you to do this, subconsciously you are acting out on these feelings you have buried deep down inside. Seems you try to put them down to feel better about yourself, this cold and nasty behavior is only gonna push people away from you. Nobody is gonna stick around for someone like this, nobody.

    Stop drinking is the first thing you can do, then really look down inside of you, open up to someone instead of hurting them. You have to find a way to find yourself instead of acting this way, the only person whos gonna lose and get hurt in the long run is you.
    And fuck your first boyfriend or whoever hurt you, move on from that, dont run away from the pain, it will never go away. You just have to accept it and learn from it for it to heal.

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    • Thanks for you answer. I agree with you. But, do you have any advice on how I can change my hostile behavior?

  • ... then u need to step up your game and date men that you feel are on your same "level" (whatever that entails).

    Stop settling.

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  • Men have feelings too. We aren't just pieces of meat for you women and all your sick nasty carnal lustful desires, smh
    lmaooooo

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  • Your first boyfriend is the guy you truly want to be with and your just piss that your dating these other guys and not him.

    Married women who settled for a guy they didn't really want tend to do the exact same shit to their husband before divorcing him.

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  • You need a guy to put you in your place. You keep doing this because you won't get burned for it, so you get the feeling you can do what ever you want to.

    It's not a bad thing, per se, if a bit childish. That's not important.

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  • >>> I feel so bad for saying these mean things, but I cannot stop it.

    Because right here you are WRONG

    WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG

    your behavior is your own responsibility, it is your duty to behave like a civilized human being.

    Also if alcohol influences you so badly, then don't drink.

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  • You got to 'mature' a little and let go of that past relationship, you can start another relationship when you let go of the former

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  • I think your first boyfriend just set the bar really high ahahhaha. Nothing wrong with having standards. Start dating better quality guys.

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  • Get help? Stop? You already at step one you admit the problem.

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  • basically, grow up

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  • Stop pushing them away

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  • Damn...

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  • I think you should stay away from relationships for a while.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Because you're scared that they'll hurt you because maybe you got hurt in the past with relationships

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  • You're asking us to counsel you through what is essentially you being manipulative and mean.

    No. You're manipulative and mean and maybe it's time to STOP dating for awhile. And figure out what it is you want. The guys you date deserve that. You do too. Seriously. Be single for awhile.

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  • Cause you're an insecure BIZZZZNAAATTTCCHH 😎😎😎😎😎😎

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