I'm having a very difficult time dating because I need to be friends with a girl before I would consider dating her. Help?

I feel the need to be friends with a girl first before I would consider dating her, but it seems like this idea has pretty much no place in today's dating world. As a college student in my early twenties, I can't help but feel truly out of place.

In my experience, by the time I've known a girl long enough to say "ok, she's cool, we get along well and I could definitely see a future with her" she has met someone else. I don't like the idea of going on a date with someone I don't really know, and since I have no interest in casual sex there isn't a lot for me to get out of dating apps or anything like that.

If you have any advice on how to either find someone who is looking for the same thing, or if I need to just get over this, I would really appreciate any help you can offer.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • The first thing is please tell me what you think a date is? How can you become friends with somebody if you don't hang out with them. So how are you going to be friends with a girl without hanging out with them which would be considered by most people some kind of a date. If you mean a formal date like dinner and a movie that I can see your point. On the other hand most girls in college don't need to be asked out on a formal date to consider it a date. If I could sum up my opinion of you I would say you too calculating. And that is not in a bad way necessarily. You seem to want every duck in a row before you ask somebody out. And you know what that is still okay. But start asking girls to hang out with them and not consider it a formal date like meeting for lunch in the student union.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You must be clear with your intentions from the outset. If you find her attractive, say so and be open about your intent to date from square one. A date is just hanging out with a woman you find attractive and getting to know if you find her dateable. Dating within your friend circle only works if the other person is looking for the same thing. I have female friends like that, ones who had to know a guy as a friend for like two years before they maybe decide to date them. Notice I said "maybe" because sometimes friendship is just the better relationship. you have to be able to recognize when going out with your friend would just ruin everything you guys have and you run the risk of setting yourself up for failure by going the friends first approach. If you want to date someone, date them! Ask them out and the intention is clearly there but going out on date doesn't mean sex or even kiss, it's just a formal agreement between both parties involved "I find you appealing and I would like to know more about you, let's hang out" that's all a date is. I've gone out with wonderful women and had it not work out and we become best friends but I've never been best friends and become romantic with each other. So much pressure and expectation comes with the word "date" but in the end it's just hanging out but where intentions are made clear. Asking a woman out is saying "I want to get to know you and possibly pursue a relationship with you" if she says yes she's agreeing to that unspoken statement. And don't cop out and not use the word "date" don't ask to "hang out" or "chill" ask for a date. Worst case scenario you find out she's awful or she thinks you're awful and really who needs people in their life thinking you're awful? Slightly better scenario, you click and become buds and he'll maybe something opens up down the road because she knows you were at least once romantically interested and maybe getting to know you as a friend after the fact made her realize your potential as a mate. But that first step had to happen, date first, friends after, maybe date again later.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Well I do think you do have to get to know the person, but in my experience I don't just jump from knowing a stranger, but by all means we are never "friends"platonically, we like each other we "see" each other and are seeing each other then when the time is right I will commit if it's mutual aka a relationship.

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  • Wow most people I know would rather be friends first. I mean yeah I have friends who jump into sex but not with guys they see / want a relationship with.

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  • I would take things slowly

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  • I'm like you, I would like to know what to do too

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  • My first semester in college was a little bad. I dodnt know anyone no one talked to me really. Now my 2nd semester it was awesome I was a little more talkative and joked around I made new friends which was actually pretty cool. So maybe try being more friendly over the semester you can meet n become friends with a girl.

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What Guys Said 13

  • The best advice I can give you is to complement her, kind of flirt with her and when you two are comfortable touch her when appropriate. Become her freind that acts like a lover and you will get freindzoned less. Don'talways act like her freind talk about a girl you like so she knows your open to dating.
    Honestly I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm trying to make a girl that I became freinds with last year because I did not really like her so I freindzoned her. Now she has changed a few things about her, her hair, dress, her over all look and I have developed feelings for her now. I'm slowly working my way out of her freindzone by usually hanging with her, complementing her when I like what I see,-IE she dresses up a bit or does her hair, nails... I try and be close with her and touch her when I can. I also tease her a bit more than my other freinds when we are in a group. After a while when I notice she knows I like her. I;m going to ask her on a date.

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  • You don't feel it's acceptable to just hang out and get to know people then? I don't see why not
    But yeah, if you're an attractive guy and getting close with a girl, if you don't lead into sex she'll be really confused. (In the US and in the real world, not on gag anyway)

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    • I wouldn't think it was writs. I don't just lead into sex we talk about it first anyhow. And a lot of people don't like jumping into sex. I get there's a big push for flings but isk if that's the majority they are just loud.

  • Bad idea. Girls dont usually see their friends in a sexual light so you get the emotional connection byt not the physical.

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  • You're waiting too long. If you are interested in her (physically) and can tell that she, at least, isn't TOTALLY incompatible with you personality wise, that is when you go on a date with her.

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  • "date" "dating" are meaningless words. You need to hang out with someone to become their friend, you dont just miraculously become their friends, and if you do its because of mutual friends or groups and those relationships have 0 romantic interest. Try hanging out 1 on 1 with women without calling it a date.

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  • You've got the whole wrong perspective on things. You either want a pal or you want a date. You gotta make it obvious from the word go. I dont walk up to a woman and bore her shitless about me and my hobbies and aspirations. Thats asking for the cold shoulder. I pulled a girl one time in the street by singing let me call you sweetheart. I was drunk her and her pals thought it was hysterical. They pushed her onto me. She knew exactly what i was after straight away. No ambiguity.

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  • You play the dating game too safe, to your detriment.

    Approach her in a dating way, THEN get to know her WHILE you are dating her!

    The "friends first" idea is such a pipe dream; the odds of success for that are extremely, EXTREMELY low!

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  • Well im like you and it worked for me in fact few women said they loved me first. Dont let the peer pressure force u to have casual sex people who do that are not deep enough to understand how to be with another human being. Go for it talk to as much girls as possible be friendly flirt a bit and u will find a girl thats worth of ur time.

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  • I agree with you 100% but think of it like this:

    Would you be friends with your ATM before withdrawing money or would you just do what it takes to get what you want?

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  • Oh. Well too bad.

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  • that's not a problem...

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  • It had no place in the dating world of the past either. A half century ago, close opposite- sex friendships didn't exist.

    Post college, the idea of becoming friends first becomes far more remote.

    You seem to mistake 'going on a date' for 'serious commitment'.

    You get to know them WHILE DATING. That's why dating is different then say marriage.

    And you can't really figure out if you two want the same thing or will be compatible dating until you actually date. As friends, you are only seeing like 1/3 of who they are vs. what you get as their partner.

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  • When you say friends exactly how close do you have to be?

    I was like this. You'll find a better relationship but there is so much more at risk. They know everyone you know, and the fallout of it going wrong is ten times worse.

    I've found the best way to deal with it is have a "friend line". Decide an arbitrary line between friend and acquaintance. It sounds silly but the majority of acquaintances don't have any deep feelings one way or another. They are just people you get on with. Sounds cold but it helped.

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