I can't get over my girlfriend's past and it is killing me, what do I do?

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about six months. I am really in love with her, bur I have been having a lot of trouble lately. I can't stop thinking about her past and it is killing me emotionally. She was sleeping with another guy (a black man) behind my back for 4 weeks after a bad relationship. I was falling in love with her then, and she liked me too but was too afraid to get into a relationship then. Since she ended things with the other guy we have started dating and things were going great until I found out about her history with this other guy. It has been getting progressively worse and it is causing a lot of hostility and trust issues on my part, and we aren't that happy anymore. I am so deeply in love with this girl I cannot possibly imagine not being with her, but I really dont know what to do. I can't get this picture out of my head. She has only been with two guys other than me so it isn't like she has a horrible past, I just can't believe she was doing that behind my back before we were together. What do I do?

Updates:
Thanks for the opinions guys. But for an update: When I say behind my back, i mean that we were making romantic advances towards each other and she had repeatedly told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship with me yet but wasn't getting with anyone else. Thus she lied to me a lot about what she was doing, and decided to tell me about a month into our relationship. I guess the other guy was a rebound but it still hurts and detracts from my trust with her. Thanks again for the opinions!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You keep using the phrase "behind my back", but you weren't dating when she slept with her previous partner. Right? That's the key part. Insecurity and jealousy are normal human feelings, but don't let them lead you astray. If she wasn't dating you when she slept with her previous partner, then she did nothing wrong. She didn't cheat on you or go behind your back. Her sexual behavior doesn't concern you unless she's dating you, so it would have made no sense for her to let you know what she was doing at the time. We all have pasts. This is a situation where your concerns are irrational. I know that doesn't make it any easier to get over them, but try to understand that you can't be upset with your girlfriend for things she did while she wasn't dating you.

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    • I think what he means is, they were on each other's radars and she decided to go take a big one while they checked each other out and didn't mention it. Then they get together and she's like oh yeah I did that just before getting with you, sorry! lol

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    • @RaggaMon We don't know the details. We don't know that they were "close to getting together". We don't know how she felt or what she thought or how aware she even was of this guy's feelings. There are way too many variables for us to reasonably assume that this says anything about the depth of her feelings for her current boyfriend.

    • I just read the update, I think that shows they were close to getting together or at least both aware of the possibility, and that she was well aware of the asker's feelings. It is a good measurement of the depth of someone else's feelings. I talked about that with my girlfriend recently, we were discussing friends and what they're up to, luckily we both feel that if there's someone on your radar and you really like them- there shouldn't be anyone else and why would there be anyway. I suppose it depends who you are, personally I can't imagine liking someone and knowing they had a thing for me too, then banging someone before getting with them- that's gonna make them feel shitty and a bit betrayed. Especially in this scenario, not being ready for a relationship but being cool with another guy going balls deep in you, then being ready after that. If I were this guy and I knew about it; I'd feel like I couldn't be with the girl because she's emotionally really fickle.

Most Helpful Guy

  • At this point man, it's your call on what you're willing to do. If you want a relationship with this girl, you have to accept what she did and move on. That's really the only way if you want to keep her. You have to be able to trust her if you want a relationship with her, because frankly you need trust to have a healthy relationship.

    Also, it was before you were "together". She didn't commit to you, and you didn't commit to her. It's not her fault for having sex with another guy, because you guys were official. There aren't any rules before that point. And yeah, it could have been courteous for her to tell you, but there was no explicit rule stating she could / couldn't sleep with him.

    If you can't get it out of your head and can't deal with it and move on. You have to accept the fact it's not meant to be. You need trust, but if you can't trust her you're going to do something stupid down the line and ruin it even more.

    What happened was in the past. The past. Right now you're in the present and currently her future. She's choosing you right now. It'd be one thing if she cheated on you, but she hasn't. If you don't trust her right now, that's on you. Besides, she willingly told you, and honestly told you, her past. That shouldn't mean you shouldn't trust her.

    Best of luck mate :)

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What Girls Said 8

  • How is this an issue and how was it behind your back if you guys weren't together? Get over it and get over yourself. She's with you for a reason and ended it with the other guy before you guys even got together. You're beaming insecurities and you're going to ruin a good thing because of it.

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    • I just saw your update. But still, you got into a relationship with her knowing this information. In my opinion she still didn't do anything wrong so if I were you I'd drop it before she drops you.

  • If she is lying to you and you can't handle her past, you need to let her go. This is baggage she allowed into her life that you yourself have no control over. If she is not ready for a relationship with you, then she shouldn't be with you. End of story. I can' say if she is doing this deliberately or not, but this is just no excuse for the drama. You need to end it. You can love her, but you can't be with her for the sake of your sanity.

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  • Well when you weren't in a relationship with her, she wasn't obligated to tell you. There are probably more people around you who are sleeping with someone or who have a secret relationship without your knowledge. When she was your girlfriend, she told you about her past right? And she never cheated. And she chose you over this other guy.

    You're unrealistically jealous and it's hurting your relationship. Keep that in mind.

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  • You're still young, don't be so dramatic, you'll get over her

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  • How is it behind your back if you weren't together at the time?

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  • Communication is a really BIG thing in relationships. You have to talk to her to see where her head was at and then maybe come down to terms as to why her actions led to this behavior. Maybe she didn't think you too would be together there could be one million and one reasons. But at the end of the day you have her now and to me rela to relationships are about moving through obstiles together successfully and having trust in eachother.

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    • Maybe she really meant she wasn't ready to get into a serious relationship like she said, but if you can't handle this then just stay friends. It will be hard talking to her and letting her know how you feel, but if you can't move on with eachother than let her go..

  • Why did you have to point out that he's black? This is why people think all whites are racist you stupid cunt

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  • If you're with her in the present why is the past bothering you so much? You either learn to forget or you'll end up losing her

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What Guys Said 6

  • No one ever speaks about the monsters. Desire, despair, so many monsters. No more I love yous. Language is leaving me in silence! No more I love yous changes are shifting me outside the word!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgwnXp1Zb4Q

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  • "Behind my back" and "when we weren't together" in the same sentence. Haha.

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  • What part of "Before we were together" is giving you the problem?

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  • Dump her and find someone with more depth.

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  • Dump her. You can do better.

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  • Dump her. Lying cannot be tolerated. Be a real bastard when you do.

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