How to handle dating a girl with insecurities and depression?

My girlfriend and i have been together over a year. This has always been an issue. But currently right now it's especially an issue. She trusts very little in a lot of ways. She's an aspiring artist, and she'll say something like "I drew a really cute picture of you" and I'll say, aw that's awesome, thank you. Then she'll follow up with "But I'm not showing you because I don't like it." This kind of upsets me. She never feels happy with what she's doing and just seems unhappy in our relationship, not with me but with herself. But nevertheless unhappy. I know a relationship won't just make her happy, and there's nothing I can do really. But I don't just want to say, you being depressed is making me unhappy in our relationship. And I do love her so I don't just want to leave her.

I compliment her at least 10 times a day. Tell her I love her at least 3 times and always do nice things for her. So I know I'm not contributing to her insecurities.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • "I compliment her at least 10 times a day. Tell her I love her at least 3 times and always do nice things for her. So I know I'm not contributing to her insecurities"

    Actually over-complimenting someone makes you come off as fake, and it might also make her more self-aware, thus more insecure. Like you constantly pointing out something about her that you like, and in her mind she starts to slowly overthink it and convert the compliments to insecurities. Compliments feel more genuine when you aren't bombarded with them.
    I suggest that, instead of saying something along the lines of "you make me unhappy" (which would only make things worse), encourage her to get help, go to some therapy sessions, talk to someone about it. An adult, preferably, seeing as you're under 18 and I'm assuming she is too.
    If nothing helps, break up. People like her should work on their insecurities while single, because a relationship is often a distraction, and even a trigger (jealousy, feeling like you don't deserve your partner, worrying about them leaving or cheating etc) to the insecurities. Like the relationship often ends up making things worse.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • "I compliment her at least 10 times a day. Tell her I love her at least 3 times and always do nice things for her."

    STOP THAT! You're going to make her take you for granted.

    Imagine a scenario where you give a girl flowers with an "I love you" note on a daily basis. Then one day you get swarmed with work and forget. She'll start to think you're a jerk or losing interest in her.

    Now imagine a scenario where you, out of the blue after a year, surprise a girl with the same thing. Now she's going to think you're so incredibly sweet.

    Don't show your girl with affection and love. Take care of her and be strong for her, but avoid spoiling her and letting her take you for granted. You have to balance a little bit of selfishness even for this type of girl.

    Last but not least, you really need to master stoicism for these kinds of girls that are really emotionally high maintenance. Your emotional maturity should be extremely high and you'll need a lot of patience.

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    • Don't show[er] your girl with affection and love.

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    • I think your right in a lot of ways here. She definitely has been taking these things more for granted in the past couple months and she did make a comment a few months ago to stay the independent guy that I was and ETC. But now if I don't talk to her all day she thinks something's up, so maybe I'm already in too deep?

    • I think you can taper off a bit. If you did it suddenly she'd notice and you'd get all the negative effects, so try to kind of taper off gently and kind of work your way towards a more balanced relationship.

What Girls Said 14

  • It seems to me like you are a really nice boyfriend.
    But as a girl with a lot of insecurities and depression, I can say for sure that that's not enough. And I don't mean enough from you, I mean enough to take down depression. For me it's like a sickness, and maybe she needs professional help (just talking to someone who knows a bit more about how to handle depression). Or at least sit her down and talk to her with complete honesty (but in a very sensitive way). It's not yours or her fault.
    I've never seen a psychologist, even though it seems to help a lot of people. I work really hard to overcome my depression on my own. It's not entirely fair for my family, but I talk to them about how bad I feel sometimes. I mean it's not fair because it most be rough to hear someone you love talk about how miserable they feel, but after taking it out of my chest I feel a lot better and prevent to fall into an even deeper depression. So if you talk to her just remember it's not about you. If she says "I feel so unhappy" she doesn't mean unhappy WITH YOU. Don't take too personally anything she says.
    Good luck and I hope things get better for you two :)

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    • We're currently in the midst of a little spat but thank you. <3

  • Your dating a child

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    • Spot on. This is the simple and straight answer.

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    • And I'm just here eating popcorn.

    • @yucel_eden likewise

  • it sounds like what she's going through is really an internal battle and something she needs to get through on her own. you're doing a great job so far and it might be worth asking her if there's anything you can do to make things better for her (that you're not already doing). I know it might be really difficult but at this point it seems like your options are really limited to sticking with her through the hard times and dealing with her depression and all the struggles that come with it or leaving her because if her unhappiness is affecting you to the extent where you really truly are consistently unhappy as well, you do have the prerogative as a human being to put your own emotional stability above hers and leave a toxic environment she may be creating for you). I don't doubt that you love her, but if this it really something that is affecting your ability to be happy and you don't think you can continue to simply sit by and wait it out, you have to consider what is best for you.

    best of luck :)

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  • well it is what it is.. you either deal with it for the rest of your life.. or make a hard choice now

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  • Find her love language and work on it. Also see if you guys can go to couples counseling

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  • no your not bc girls who are insecure dont take compliments for granted maybe share some personal (real) stories about yourself so she feels more comfortable

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    • She's heard every story about me there is to tell.

  • Compliments are not always helping, it might actually make her feel as though you are lying. There's not much you can do but to support her and ask about her day and generally be nice and sweet.

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  • There's not much you can do, listen to her, remind her that you're there to listen and such. I've got deppression myself and i know it can be hard to reach out, even in a relashionship. However, if you're feeling unhappy then maybe it's for the best that you both walk separate ways. Or stay friends. You can love someone and they still don't make you happy. You can still be in her life to help her, but if it affects you negatively you have to think about your own health as well

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  • You need a stable girl , this girl will drain the life out of you

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  • You could sit her down and talk to her to find the base of what makes her so insecure. Maybe she grew up with people telling her negative things about herself. Who knows but if you don't find out why she isn't opening up to you after a year the relationship won't grow

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    • She avoids it, as I've tried before. She tries to get off the subject.

    • She needs a counselor or therapist not a boyfriend to help her better.

    • @abundantlyrich she is seeing a therapist currently

  • That's adorable!

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  • I am exactly like this and I can tell my boyfriend gets frustrated about it but he always, if I put myself down in any way goes on a rant about how amazing I actually am. I do a patisserie course and I stress out when it comes to assessments and am very critical of my own work and sometimes say I don't deserve the grade I got. But he will just be like "but you got an A" "you're a straight A student" "I get mostly B's". He just makes me feel better about myself. Tells me he will always be here for me. Last night well, 3:30am he text me telling me randomly that he was thinking about me and how much he loves me and that he hopes to spend his. life with me. Which was a nice surprise to wake up to.

    I'm sure she appreciates all that you do, just know that. Be as supportive as possible and don't be afraid to express your concerns to her as well. Like any relationship communication is key but when you're with someone who struggles with depression and insecurities it is especially important.

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    • We both do the exact same thing he does, glad to see there are some really sweet couples out there. :) Thank you. <3

  • You seem like a really good man, and that you take care of her very well. I think she has a lot of things she is struggling with, and a relationship might not be the best for her right now. But instead of breaking up with her, I would encourage you to have her teach you how to draw or something. Make a connection with some of her interests. I wish you both luck.

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    • Wow that's... that's so brilliant. Wow... thank you. <3 We're kind of in the midst of an argument right now, but when it clears up I'll ask her that.

  • I was like that when I was younger. My sister changed it. She sat me down, probably had this chat about

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    • Oops... Probably sat me down like 3/4 times and said look you need to learn to take a compliment.. people don't just say it for nothing, from now on when somebody compliments u u say thank you not oh but I'm bad at this and that or whatever.. learn to take a compliment people aren't lying. She drummed it into my head and made sure she forced me to say thank you and graciously accept compliments until I started believing them.

    • She has clinical depression. What you were as a kid , you aren't just the same as these kids of today. They seem to be getting mental issues at a deeper level unexpectedly. They need a village behind them to get better. A sit down discussion just isn't going to help.

What Guys Said 17

  • Do the best you could to figure out what's causing her unhappiness. What is it that she really wants? What is it that will actually even make her happy? What is she so insecure about? Ask her if there is really anything you can actually do to reassure her, if compliments and those i heart u's aren't enough. Has she had trauma in the past? Had she been hurt from a previous relationship or something?

    It depends where her unhappiness is coming from, if her unhappiness is on the existential level, then there really isn't much you can really do, because she realized that reality and this world isn't really as good and great and she originally thought it may be and she might have became very unhappy with herself, and gosh I know it, because I have that existential emptiness nihilistic depressive crap in my mind and because it i's so deep it's impossible to ever be truly happy.

    Instead I could only be "less" unhappy or unless I'm really really distracted and occupied with something I want to do that is either fun, hilarious, or simply needs to be done, otherwise that state of mind and unhappy empty existential feelings creep right back fucking in.

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    • She has grown up with an ugly divorce unfortunately. She suffered abusive and neglect from her father for a while and whether or not it was the cause or just one contributing factor she now has self image issues, issues with thinking she can succeed, shyness and of course depression.

  • Here's how you date someone with depression: don't

    You aren't their therapist and won't make them feel better about themselves. Chances are she will just constantly try to drag you down to the point you start avoiding her. There is something else going on in her brain, you aren't the causation or the cure.

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  • Well I am going to assume she is under 18 as well. Given the age this will probably be a normal occurrence for you. Even if you where with someone else. Also insecurities will always be there no matter who you are dating. Its part of human nature it seems.

    If she is clinically depressed there will not be much more you can do. She will have to seek help on her own.

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  • If her insecurity is wearing you down this much, you have no choice but to either break up with her, or be dragged down to misery with her.

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  • Do you play CS? You might have heard of a youtube channel called 3kliksphilip.
    Getting to the point now, 3kliksphilip has two secondary, more personal channels where he sometimes uploads videos which he hangs out with a friend who has OCD (which is a form of anxiety that can lead to depression).

    Why am i telling you that? Look these channels up. They could actualy be very helpful to you considering your girlfriend and his seem to be in a very similar situation.

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  • i wouldn't date her. i dated this kind of girls for a while and im gonna say it straight - if she ain't growing stronger she'll find ways to get stronger dealing with the wrong kind of guys

    listen, dont get me wrong. most of this type are all sweet but she'll never be totally in you if she's really insecure. try to talk about it but dont waste your time. you dont have to fix or change anybody

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  • Punch her in the shoulder and say "if I'm fucking ya you know i love ya!" then hand her a controller and play MKX.

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  • Do yourself a favor and leave her.

    She needs professional help, and there's almost nothing you can do. If you stay with her, both your lives will be miserable.

    If you want to help her, help her as a friend.

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  • @abundantlyrich is 100% right. You are dating a child. And I have to say, judging by your age its not her fault, your both kids.

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    • She's 15 and I'm 17, not too far off there. Teen dating kind of sucks and I'm apparently a lot more serious than most couples my age. Thank you for the opinion!

  • Answer is simple, execution is even simpler : dump.

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  • That's how kids talk. She's not depressed.

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  • Teen girls can be pretty neurotic. Hope she grows out of it.

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  • Stay away from girls with disorder

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  • You got to try and build her confidence.

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    • Do you have some suggestions?

  • Why do you love troubles?

    Find somebody with less problems.

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  • Honestly you don't want a girl like that. Best to leave her, they don't change

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  • depression is one thing but if she insists on acting like a kid and sucking the life out of you then just leave. unless you think trying to stick through will be worth it at the end. do what you think is right and don't over think anything. if i were you I wouldn't even ask anybody. just go by what you feel

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    • Good advice there friend, thank you.

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