There is a young girl (she is in her 20s) she has three kids by three different men. She wonders why she can't find a decent guy. She is a sweet girl. Do you think having these kids by different men hurt her chances to find a good guy?
they may. one big step is to figure out what is the sort of root cause of having not found the right guy yet. is it her, her selection in men, or something else. my concern for a woman like this would be why is she consistently selecting the wrong men AND why is she having babies with so many men without hammering down whether or not they are worth keeping around.
i'd say sure they can find a good guy but it would mean serious reflection on past relationships and the reasons why they fail to avoid the same scenarios going forward
yes. And it may not even be that she is a bad woman or a slut, but simply having kids by different men will make men and people judge you. Either you are stupid because you don't take care of yourself, naive because you really know nothing of the world and what happens when you have sex or slutty and just go sleeping around with everyone - in which all 3 cases, nobody wants.. Only someone extremely good and kind and financially stable and lonely would choose to go for such a woman who is NAIVE (not stupid and not slutty).. That is the only way she will find mr. right / a good man..
BUt other than that, she better be prepared to be a single mother and do it on her own because barely any man will put up with children that are not his own, and even worse when it is 3 AND he is young.
That is extremely unlikely to happen... at least at a sserious long term level. Sorry girl.. You are going to have to get an education, job and educate yourself along with your children. That is the only way you can give you and your kids some sort of future. Otherwise, brace yourself for a long term life of unhappiness, hardships and difficulty, maybe even poverty.
I am sorry to say, but such is life - especially for young women with kids.
And then people cry about doing abortion... but anyway, that's a whole other topic :)
Imagine a guy that's divorced and has grown up children of his own. Imagine he's going out with a young woman. When she wants to have kids, he says, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested. I've already done that in my life and not looking forward to doing it again."
Further, his finances and attention are already going towards the children he has with this other woman. This other woman's kids are taking away your man's finances and attention. What do you think, his kids will just become irrelevant after you two have kids together? The resources and energy he will spend on YOUR kids will be split and divided between your kids and the children of some other woman.
We all want the best for our kids, because our kids are us. When we die, they carry our genes, and we want to make sure our genes have the "best" chance of survival. That's why we aren't interested in ugly broke @ss dudes, right? We are looking to find Mr. "Right," right?
Same thing for guys. I'm not interested in giving my children "half" or "one fourth" of a mother. I'm not interested in spending the limited resources I have in my limited lifetime on ensuring and helping the survival of the genes of "other men," as their survival competes with the survival of my own genes.
I don't care how nice and sweet she is. She's one in 100,000 more or less just like her. I'm totally cool being with someone slightly less sweet who has no kids. Just being blunt and honest.
Yes it definitley hurts her chances because drama and having no authority over the kids aside, it shows she was impulsive and/or a bad judge of character and/or promiscuis (not saying she is only that it suggest it). That could prove to be detrimental in the future. As for the kids, have you ever had to deal with children that disrespect you despite the fact that you have to routinley interact with them treat them like their yours but have no authority over? My friend is dealing with just that and its not pretty. So yes its very much going to work against her.
Three kids to three different men screams trailer trash, to most men. Whether or not that is the reality, that is what they will see. Sadly for this girl, she has screwed herself (no pun intended) for the rest of her life. Decent men will not want to invest their time and resources into being the surrogate baby daddy to raise three children of her liaisons with Mr Harley MacBadBoy and Iva Necktattoo. Sadly for this girl, the sort of men who would be willing to look in her direction would be the sort of men with whom she should not be associating.
Yes, they will GREATLY hurt her chances. Even women who have three kids all by the SAME MAN usually remain single until they are in their 40s to 50s.
A woman like that has practically a 0% chance of ever finding someone. She was stupid and naive enough to have a child with two different men, and STILL didn't learn her lesson, and had a third with a third man.
Even if she does find love, she will have to compromise EVERYTHING she looks for in a partner. She can say goodbye to finding a handsome, wealthy stud. She'd be lucky to find an average Joe who works at McDonald's and has more baggage than an international airline.
What men in general (which means NOT all.. but most of them) think of such women:- 1) too easy 2) too dumb (no future planning) 3) too much emotional baggage 4) too much physical baggage ( THREE kids IS quite a baggage) 5) what if I am the fourth and she goes on to the fifth?
She wonders? Sorry, that's just ignorant, as ignorant as allowing herself to get pregnant. Of course it hurts her chances. Very few "good guys" will want to get involved in that much baggage. Why should they? They want a woman who is available to focus her attention on them and their future family, not a woman who is already fully occupied raising someone else's children.
Definitely hurt her chances. Questions about what is wrong with her arise. The likelyhood all 3 men are at fault for the break ups and not her comes into question. And if they are at fault, her judgement comes into question which creates high doubts that she could ever be faithful.
Yes I do. I know I certainly would take a pass, don't care how cute, or nice she is. This just spells incompetence, she does not know how to use protection/ does not know what is best for her and lets men take advantage of her. I know that sounds trough but I want an intelligent woman with confidence in herself!
in her 20s having a child from one man: yeah shit happens, he´s probably a douche.
in her 20s, having kids from different men: starting to think that she´s stupid.
this sounds really condescending... but why do you have to have kids at freaking 20 and then why from 2 partners? i don´t see how a sane person would do that. in my opinion, you couldn´t even know 2 men for long enough for having children with them at 20...
Define 'good guy.' Would you consider a guy in the same boat as her good? If you answer no, then you are a hypocrite for holding guys to a higher standard than she holds herself to. That said, I think she can find a guy who is in the same boat as she is, otherwise most guys may not want to deal with the baggage of multiple children from multiple men.
No, I don't think it hurts her chances, but if she still has poor character judgement after the last three tries then I don't know what to say. She must be ignoring the warning signs or something if she makes a fourth mistake. Don't be too reliant on a guy, some of them are assholes. Make sure that person shows that she is strong and independent and not needy and it will be easier to find guys who aren't going to mess around. It would make it clearer to others that the girl has standards and if they aren't met they can get out of your life without causing the girls much pain.
While that MIGHT come across as overly harsh or stupid logic to some, the risk of getting kicked out of someone's life because of not meeting her standards is what can drive a man to put in more effort and try harder in the long run.
I'm not saying to be a total biatch and boss the guy around and try to control him, or to not appreciate what he does, just show that if things go wrong, he will be the one that loses out instead of the girl. Be fair about things because trust issues can develop if one comes off as too controlling to the other, and total dependence on some men will drive them away.
I suppose it depends on the guy and what she can offer him. The girl you describe has baggage and that can be a turn off for most guys. Unfortunately she is a prime target for assholes who want to either pump and dump as they see her as an easy lay or use her her for a place to stay and money, also single moms tend to attract peadophiles unfortunately. Good men can be hard to find especially ones without baggage of their own and tend to be taken already. The more kids she has the less likely she is to find a quality man as its an awful ask for a man to take on the burden of three kids not his own that's why a girl has got to be careful about who she gets pregnant too and needs to make sure she uses proper contraception as it makes unwanted pregnancy 99.9999% impossible.
It just leaves the kids to kinda hate her more but then be interested in one anothers dads. As if she isn't trying to take care of the kids they most likely will think of her poorly. As well decent guys arnt interested in complicated situations.
Yes, those kids are going to royally fuck up her chances. There are young guys who are happy to raise another man's kid, but their numbers are few and dwindling further every day. I tell young men like my brother to stay away from single mothers and the word is getting around.
The type of men interested in the deal your friend is offering are the type she won't want. She'll have to wait until her children are grown before she gets a shot at a "good guy". And by then it may well be too late. Tell her to get comfortable.
The majority of men would be reluctant or less likely to enter a relationship with a 20 year old mother of three. However it is still possible for a woman in that situation to find "Mr right" assuming she makes the right decisions.
Most definitely, doesn't sound like she was a good or smart girl in the past. She should stop wondering, its quite obvious. Most good Men want a good women to start a life with. She already started hers.
Children are a big commitment, raising 3 kids who aren't yours? thats even tougher. Also she probably wouldn't want to have another kid with this man. Hopefully she can coerce and manipulate a sucker
It depends on the woman if she's a catch it doesn't and shouldn't matter but there are so many that have a poor attitude and the kids thing doesn't help if she ain't worth it because you'll have to deal with all that baby daddy drama PLUS her poor attitude
A lot of guys don't want to deal with kids in their twenties. And that's ok. If I don't have kids, I can want my potential SO to not have kids.
The fact that she has 3 different baby daddies at such a young age, I think that's a red flag she has 0 common sense. It takes 9 months to be pregnant, that's a long time to sober up and be like "Ok, maybe birth control."
Ladies... birth control. They have 3 year options now. Over 99.9% effective. It's awesome.
I don't usually think much, really, of women who choose to live like that. To each their own.
In her 20's and already has three different kids by different men? Uhhh.. yeah. What qualifies as a 'decent man' or 'Mr. Right' differs for each girl but dang. I can't imagine any man, really, who'd want more from a girl like that then a quick fuck, tbqh. Three kids and three baby daddies is a LOT of luggage.
It says she made poor choices. Whether it's loving too fast, trusting too fast, whatever it is. If you are that age with multiple children and multiple fathers, you are either irresponsible, gullible, naive or stupid. None of those traits are attractive.
Don't get me wrong. There isn't no chance. And every story is different. But most men based off this title are unlikely to approach you.
My grandma was that girl actually! Three kids from three different men. Granted, she didn't think she'd ever want to get married (her father gave her a very low opinion of men, unfortunately) but she eventually did find a great guy, and she married him when she was in her mid-40s (and he was about 30).
its will be really hard for her to find "Mr. RIght" cause :
*Some men won't accept single moms *She will give the impression of not being a serious/responsible person since she got pregnant 3 times and each time it was a different man *People might think that there are more to come after the 3rd one (from another dad maybe?)
*She might be giving the impression of not wanting to settle down because of her situation
You would be surprised. i know several women like this and they seem to get a man quicker than anyone. One girl is a middle class white girl. she doesn't seem like a whore, i went to school with her. her first baby daddy was her long term boyfriend/high school sweetheart. second baby daddy was her fiance but they didn't work out and he cheated. third baby daddy is now her husband and she is pregnant again with her 4th kid. he has a good job, handsome and treats her nicely from what i know.
i think it can make things more difficult but some guys will overlook it if they know you're a decent woman and they like you. you do have to be hot though lol. an ugly girl with 3 baby daddies ain't getting no passes. you have to be feminine, domestic, and good looking for this to have the best effect
Definitely, a guy who views a women whose gotten impregnanted by 3 different guys probably as really irresponsible, and not serious. She could be sweet and also naive to believe that all three times she's gotten her heart broken and left with a child. It can hurt her future because no guy wants to be another notch on the bed post.
Everyone seems to be saying "guys won't want to cater cuz of the kids". Yeah, guys with no kids and a fear of looking after someone else's, what these people seem to forget is that there are plenty of men with kids who date moms.
In my opinion she just needs to keep dating away from the kids until she feels happy the guy is actually worth introducing to them.
I don't believe it did. She's only 20 years old. The fact the she already has babies can make it a little harder for her to find a guy to love cause men out there will surely think she's searching for a guy to pay her bills and watch her kids. But, it's not impossible at all. Some people are 25 years old with no kids and still haven't found the good guy. Her life situation won't define if she's able to be loved or not
My friend is having her 4th baby with a guy. She now has a whooping total of, wait for it, 4 baby daddies. That's right. She has 4 kids by 4 different men. And she's my age. Yet, men flock to her so much more.
I don't think men care about kids anymore. I don't have any and I definitely look better than her and I have a degree and I'm actually doing something with my life but she'll have a boyfriend more than me and her relationships always last longer than mine.
Her situation is not ideal but anything in this life is possible. Everyone deserves to find their Mr. Right and I hope she will one day find hers. If there is a real connection he will not think twice about her having 3 kids. But she has to set her life straight first. No more irresponsible behaviour.
Not going to lie. What would a man see in a woman that has 3 kids by 3 different guys? She is an irresponsible person and deserves to be avoided, just like I would avoid a man with 3 children with 3 women.