Single forever or a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to?

I want a real relationship. I want to get married and have a family. My problem is that I'm only attracted to very good looking guys and they are always players and cheaters just looking for sex, I know that. I have many times (15 actually) tried to date average and even ugly looking guys but who wanted a relationship too and seemed to have good personalities. I want to be attracted to them but I'm not at all. I'm disgusted by even just the idea of kissing them. And attraction never develop once I get to know them either. Am I shallow? Yeah I guess so. But I can't help it. I can't force attraction. So now I have to decide if I'm going to date someone I don't want and am not attracted to, or just stay single forever and never have someone to share life with and have no kids, which by the way has always been my only real dream in life... What would you do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's really up to you in the end. I'd go with single forever (or at least as long as you could) , everybody can always go there own way, other people can't really make you happy if you are not truly happy about yourself or with yourself in the first place anyway.

    Oh, and uh, there's always the adoption or if you could afford it get your eggs frozen or apply for artificial insemination from the sperm bank or something and use sperm from a sperm donor if kids are something that you absolutely must have.

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    • Thanks for MHO! I hope everything worked out for you. It's a tough reality when in comes to relationships there will always be more failed relationships than not, never think that your very first relationship will ever actually result in a marriage with a family because the odds of that happening is very slim. In fact it is more than likely to take at least 2 or 3 or even more relationships before you finally decide to settle.

Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all, let me say I have been in your shoes. I have a friend that I am not attracted to who likes me. Yet, we remain friends as I have been straightforward about how I feel. Some people say "He could be the one!" Yet I myself don't feel it. I don't have to want to force the physical and emotional attraction. Both the partners in a relationship deserve to feel loved.

    Think about it this way. Sometimes kids are forced to eat veggies they don't like. Sometimes there are veggies that kids do like. So, would you want to have your partner feel like the mashed peas you hate or the cheesey broccoli you could eat every day and want every day?

    You are NOT shallow. Nothing is wrong with being a woman who is honest about herself and honest about what she wants. And I think in a sense you already know the answer... and that is not to settle. You've answered it. And the way you asked advice gives the hunch that you wouldn't be happy settling.

    Don't give into hopelessness and have vanilla cake when what you really want is Caramel cake with chocolate icing... or whatever flavor you like. And don't think that just because Mister Right is taking his time, that it is hopeless and you just have to settle.

    Enjoy your life. Take the lonely moments as they come.. because they will... and don't settle. Be open to your true love. He's on his way.

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What Guys Said 21

  • By all means remain single so you wouldn't humiliate a good guy who deserves better.

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  • If you've tried it and you don't feel attracted to them after trying it then you're NOT SHALLOW. I'm exactly the same way, although I've made less "attempts" than you... I've probably made like 3-4 attempts at acquiescing the feelings of someone who I wasn't attracted to, and even doing things like making out with them, but like you I just didn't like it. I wouldn't say I was disgusted but I felt nothing about it.

    I mean, have you ever had any relationship that was fulfilling in both attraction and emotionally? I've had one... it seems rare but why settle for less? I personally would not be happy with my life if I just "settled" so I wouldn't be alone. Although I also have zero interest in kids, but I think I'd feel the same way if I wanted kids too.

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  • Do WTF ever you want! That is the ultimate answer! You are YOU and will have to live with your decision for the rest of our life! Why not choose a good option! Hmmm... can you answer that? You are in your late twenties! So if not then wait I suppose! But no, don't ever settle, you can do that in your sleep! Find the dude that makes you happy and your cheeks blush and warm feeling and F what he looks like! If that means single forever... ( I am truly sorry, but It happens... at least you gave it every possible chance! (I DO know the feeling!)

    Or you can get your oocytes frozen! sure! But why not just say (middle finger) and do what you want? hmm... :)

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  • Look, honey, date another 10 or 15 less attractive ones, and someone will start to wear on you.

    If you know the other ones are just playing you, why are you bothering with them?

    For a woman to marry a guy who is a "10" is pretty much asking for trouble.

    Every day at the office, his slutty co-worker is going to try to hit on him, and they try that much the harder if they know he's married.

    There's a good side and a bad side to everything.

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    • So can I get your number?

      Yeah, my dream in life was to marry one woman and have 3 or more daughters and convince said mother to name them the same as virtues: faith, hope, love, Sophia (wisdom) and oh yeah, "Winter", because "Autumn" and "Summer" are common.

      Kinda don't work that way though, does it. Might end up with 3 boys.

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    • @Queen_naki5 an 8 I dont like rating but that is still pretty freaking attractive...

  • Either lower your standards or just wait for the right person. There's a lot of attractive guys out there, you just need to know where the quality ones hang out

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  • Why can't you just meet in the middle. Maybe find someone that is decent all around than setting for someone that is ugly with a great personality or with someone that is handsome with a shitty personality.

    I mean when you think about it many women are looking for a guy that is both handsome and easy to get along with or have a relationship with. Those are the guys than average women are going to be competing for and you didn't even mention monitary stablility lol.

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  • I have observed your case a few times before.

    Usually, the girls are very young, 16 to 23 or 24. During those times, they want the hottest looking guy. Many of them marry young, then when they are in their early 30's, they wonder whatever they liked in the guy in the first place, get a divorce, then try to find the guy they never gave the time of day to 10 or 15 years earlier.

    You are a little older to haven't grown out of it yet, but maybe you will. If you don't, you will soon acquire the title of cougar. Although, if you are attractive enough to out compete the other hot girls for the hot guys, you will soon lose your edge as younger women are always going to be prettier.

    Maybe what you should do is go for the hot guy, realizing he is a jerk, and then just plan to divorce him in five or six years. You'll save yourself trouble if you plan it out.

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  • Ummm maybe your standards are just too high?
    You said you tried dating someone average or below... But have you tried dating a little above average guy?

    Looks are not everything... I mean I would be attracted towards a above average girl and she doesn't have to be a 8,9 or 10/10 looking girl...
    Personality if more important because looks are gonna fade after some years...
    But personality lasts longer...

    Plus even if your find a guy that is very good looking and has a good personality or even he is loyal.. But tomorrow he grows old and his looks are gone what will you do? Dump him?

    Well in that case I am sorry you are gonna end up alone then...

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  • Single forever is fine if you are comfortable. It's far better than to be locked into a relationship w/ someone who doesn't turn you on.

    There are plenty of single women who have great sex lives. They prefer being single and are free to pursue sex with a variety of lovers. I love dating girls who enjoy sex enough on its own w/o having the baggage of a relationship.

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  • Yeah, I can understand. But attraction, at least the butterflies, go away eventually no matter who you are with, so compatibility is much more important. There are plenty of good looking guys out there that aren't player or cheaters. I think you might just be attracted to bad boys, which is an entirely different problem.

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  • You're being a bit too shallow. I understand that you want to be with someone that you're attracted to but looks can't be the thing to depend on a lot. I don't think you'll be single forever. I know a few people that didn't find their partner until their early or mid thirties. I know that's not something you'd probably want to hear, but hey, at least they found what they were looking for. Attraction and personality.

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    • She has tried dating people she wasn't attracted to physically. How is that shallow?

      "but hey, at least they found what they were looking for. Attraction and personality."

      And that's what she's looking for as well, as are most people.

    • @BuchitaBuchys good for you. I didn't really need someone else to tell me what she's looking for. If you read my opinion a little better, you might reconsider when I said "a bit too shallow". I didn't say she was very shallow.

    • No lol that's not shallow. At all. You're in the minority here.

      What, is she supposed to completely ignore the fact she can't find them attractive?

  • Do whatever you like but be honest about it. Make sure the guy knows you aren't really attracted to him before he falls in love with you.

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  • You should just follow your dreams. You should go after guys you are attracted to only. Don't waste your time with guys you're not attracted to. You're cockblocking them from meeting girls who actually want them. And by dating guys you're not attracted to, you're ruining your chances of finding the guy of your dreams.

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  • Just have hook ups and find a nice average looking guy when you are 40... by the way what do you bring to the table in terms of a relationship. ... i

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  • Date someone mediocre you have feelings towards that you trust. Looks aren't everything. Being with someone your not attracted to isn't as boring as being alone forever.

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  • There is nothing wrong with being shallow

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    • Yes there is. If you don't have an open mind you might miss someone you are compatible with. But of course it is healthy to acknowledge the things you find attractive.

  • stay single - the guys you are 'settling' for don't deserve to be treated like that.

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  • I'm sorry but when I read this kind of BS, I no longer take it seriously.

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  • The solution to your problem isn't to lower your standards, it's to change your perspective. You see yourself as settling for these guys. You will become attracted to them if you think they are impressive. You have to be able to understand the struggles they have gone through, you have to put yourself in their shoes and realize how hard they worked for what they have and what they are good at, you have to understand this not just from a logical perspective but you have to be able to feel what they've been through and what they have overcome. Once you know these things, you will see their strength and their determination. You will be able to appreciate their character and what makes them unique. You will not see them as something less good to be settled for*.

    *unless they really are just generic, unappealing people, in which case you would be settling.

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  • thats bad idea

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  • It can be hard I have that exact same problem

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What Girls Said 13

  • It's not all about attraction, this has to do with your mindset and your attitude towards men. I myself is celibate, and had made this choice before 10 years old. I'm almost 25 and I'm happy with this choice. Just stay single right now and on focus on what you got to do for yourself. If it's meant for you to marry somebody, you will know and it will happen at the right timing. But you still have room to grow, and you also have to be serious about this. You have too many screwed up people who will use, abuse and use again till death or when they get bored wither in or outside of marriage. Learn from your dating mistakes. Because it sounds like to me you were only focused on the wrong things. 15 times says a lot about your dating history and practices. Your doing something or a few things wrong that you need to stop and get rid of.

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  • We're in the same boat. I haven't found an answer yet.

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  • Girl, you and me both. Except I'm not really attracted to many people, not even the "hot douchebags"

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  • Do not date someone you're not attracted to! It may take some time but you'll find a guy you're attracted to. When you're with someone you don't necessarily want to be with, you start building resentment towards them because you're unhappy and that's so unfair. I speak from experience. I was married to a guy I wasn't attracted to for 7 years! I even had a child with him. It was hard to ask for a divorce but when I couldn't take it anymore, I knew I had to. I prob would have ended up cheating on him and being a total bitch. Much easier to end it on good terms and all is well.

    So that's my advice.

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    • Why did you marry him?

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    • @singlebee actually he's doing very well and so are the kids. He has a new girlfriend even and I'm happy for him. Look, at the time I thought was in love with him but turns out not to be I guess. It wasn't some diabolical plan I had, it was sincere. When I look back on it now I can see through the rose colored fog that I wasn't in love for the reasons previously mentioned. We all make mistakes and it's not just an American woman thing, it's a human thing.

    • And if I'm such a bitch tell me why I raised HIS son in my home when I could've just left them both when we divorced. How many women do that?

  • Okay... so what about an older guy who is hot, and is getting tired of playing the games and running around on their significant others? They generally decide to settle down eventually. Then you don't have to compromise being with someone good looking.

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  • You can force attraction actually—they did a scientific study on it recently! The experiment worked :)

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  • I honestly understand how you feel. My guy friend developed a crush on me and I partially rejected him because of how he looked. I just was not attracted to him physically and like you I was also disgusted with the idea of kissing him or anything else for that matter. He was a great guy, would do anything for me, drop plans for me, anything... it's honestly what you think, whether you want one or the other. Eventually I might choose someone at least decently attractive over being single. With my current mentality there would have to be attraction. Maybe you'll eventually find someone you're attracted to that's a great guy

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  • Happend to me too i realy love beauty this is my problem

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  • be by yourself... honestly its better to do that then be with someone you dont love because what if they fall for you hard and you just dont feel the same? you will both be hurt.

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  • i'd rather stay single for my entire life than being in a relationship with someone that im not attracted to

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  • Ugh you sound like me. Why not date a cute or above average guy instead of the extremely attractive ones?

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  • Single forever! You can be happy single whereas you can not if you're in a relationship you don't want to be in

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  • You're not shallow, as it's not a conscious decision, you just don't fancy them.

    I have the same problem, except with me, the guys I fancy are often classed as ugly by my friends.

    I tried dating guys I didn't fancy too, as they seemed really serious about me (who were often better-looking than my actual type), but it never worked, as I ended up dumping them. I felt guilty too, it's not very fair on them.

    I just decided sod it, I'm going for the ones I fancy. Life's too short to sit there wishing you fancied your boyfriend, and hoping he won't kiss you.

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