Do guys avoid new relationships when they are hurt from the past?

There is a guy that I like but he has told me that his last relationship didn't end too badly but it wasn't fun. He said that his relationships never really worked out and all. He also told me that heshe been single and he likes how it's been going so far and he can just focus on himself, it's easier that way. He can just focus on work or whatever he wants. He siad the majority of his time he spends working and sleeping. He shows signs that he likes me but then it's like he won't go all the way in and move to the next step. If asked about relationship stuff he tells me the things that I have mentioned above. But he has also told me that he likes me. And when we'return togetger he acts like he likes me. Maybe he's just a waste of time? Or should I keep him as a option as I date others?

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he's*

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Most people (guys and girls) are hesitant if they've been hurt in the past. If hurt badly enough, they may avoid relationships for a while. It sounds like he just wants to date you and get to know you slowly. Doesn't want anything serious yet. You have to decide (depending on what you want) if it's a waste of your time or not. How much do you like him? You don't have to rush into anything.

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    • I like him a lot. I guess I can get to know him slowly. I want a relationship ultimately. It's probably good to take my time so we can know each other. I just don't want it to be a friend with benefits situation. Should I still have sex with him or should I stop that completely right now?

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    • @Revordnal Hey can try or attempt to keep me as a option but I don't allow that. I'm not a option I am a choice. If I'm not choosen then I walk away so it would be his loss. I do like him a lot but I refuse to chase him. If he likes me then he needs to show me.

    • He**

Most Helpful Girl

  • if you dont want to get hurt and waste your time, please move on, drop him and date others because you're looking for a relationship and he doesn't. no matter what the reason is, you guys are just not on the same page. i had personal experiences about this and i wish i had the strength to leave. if he really likes you like he said, when he's ready for a relationship, he will find you again and it's up to you then to decide whether you still want him. for now just leave the guy!

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What Guys Said 34

  • I think so. I know the last handful of womenive been with really jaded me. Two essentially cheated on me, and many others Basically just used me and kicked me to the curb once things were going to get serious or they had their fun. As a result I think I have a much harder time opening up emotionally to someone because I assume they're just going to leave me. I don't try as hard as I used to do date women because it seems more pointless to me than it used me. I got sick of putting in lots of work to court a girl only to be ultimately rejected. I'm not at the point of depression or anything but I do feel it has changed the way I approach dating.

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  • I do.

    I suffered through some bad breakups, and my last one caused me some severe mental damage. I haven't been in a relationship in about five years or so, and I'm much happier for it. I can't see myself getting married or even entering another relationship any time in my life.

    All of my relationships ended with my girlfriends cheating on me because I wasn't the asshole they wanted me to be when we were younger. One of them asked me to get back with her several years later because she "wanted her sweet boyfriend back" and I turned her down (nicely, mind you, I'm civil with her and we're best friends today).

    As much as my heart wants to someday get married and have kids, I'd rather listen to my brain and stay alone for my entire life.

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  • I enjoy the toppic, and do have my insight. I agree on his view. Sorry to say, but its too much work to open up to someone, then they decide to leave you for some reason, or the work load is better at actual work, than building a strong friendship. Do people know what that is anymore?

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  • we'll, he's still healing from the last one and not hungry enough yet. It also may be he hasn't learned enough from the prior failures. So...

    Why dont you both take some dating classes together, study a dating book like "Mars and Venus on a date". Learn about each other in a non threatening way (threatning would be relationship commitment). And see where you end up. That's much better than plunge into committed relationship, move in, and blow up like the last time...

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    • why is commitment 'threatening'. i mean a person may not want it or find it stressful.. but 'threatening'?

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    • My experience is male/female are different, but there are different personality ranges... women in general are more emotional, but there are emotional men. Women can also be "heady logical" but men would typically be moreso logic.

      " what i want to know is whats the 'consequence' of the threat?" That I get hurt again and it isn't worth it.

    • @"do you mean it feels threatening to be around a person you may want to help but cant?" Not what I meant.

      yeah i didn't think you meant that i only asked bc you brought it up;)

      @" what i want to know is whats the 'consequence' of the threat?" That I get hurt again and it isn't worth it.

      thanks, thats what i wanted to know. :)

      there really is no way to know how local or emotional a person is. by looking. all you can know is what you think see them doing. people act in ways they learnt act. this does not automatically translate to how the brain works.

  • Nothing wrong with having options...
    and it depends on the guy, sometimes they just jump into another one to kind of overshadow the previous. But if it was something that was bad, well, like every other person, they can choose to focus on themselves or become very cautious.

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  • Yes, absolutely. They need time to heal from heartbreak.

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  • Both men and women avoid new relationshits when they've been burned.

    Avoidance is a defense mechanism. Do some reading on defense mechanisms. It's really rather interesting.

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    • Avoidance doesn't have to be a self-mechanism; it can simply be a form of necessary healing for a period of time. If that time goes too long, THEN it becomes evasion and a defense mechanism.

  • I think this guy is honestly telling you that he can't handle the demands of a relationship. Some people are like that. They have limited energy and need almost all of it just to get through the things they have to do. If he's so wonderful that you are willing to do almost all the things needed to sustain a relationship, it could work with him. But don't go after him and then complain that he's not holding up his half. He's telling you now that he's won't.

    by the way, you can't "keep people as options" unless they have no other life.

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    • Yea I guess I should just delete his number then. If he wants me he will come for me.

  • Hurt or simply not satisfied.

    " the majority of his time he spends working and sleeping." Been there, done that.
    Married to his job?

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  • yes, we have emotions too.

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  • That's so normal. He just need time enough to heal himself and a signal from you that evidence that you are not going to hurt him like the previous girl.

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    • I see. I wounder what that signal is. I guess only he knows that?

    • This kind of signals come without planning it. When he and you are knowing yourselves, he find something on you that is so different from the previous girl and it can make him trust on you. Anyway that's just a posibility, not a fact.

  • Yes guys that actually are good guys (good person), guys that actually are honest to them self and others and care sometimes more than they should tend to do things like that. Get disappointed or hurt and they just dont see how things could work, dont see how relationship could work. Or even start to look at relationship as if its always based on lies, manipulation and dishonesty where one person always give and other always take... So they just decide that they dont want to be part of something like that even they are miserable their entire life. So to fix that "miserable" part they find some substitute, job, sports, hobbies... Yes we can be crazy about some person have her on our mind most of the time and still not do anything about that cos "it won't work", "it won't end well", "its always lie", "you always give something honest and true and other person just take it for granted use it will its it suits her and just trow away or use it against you"...
    What ever you decide dont keep him as option will you date others. Ether try to show him that with you things could be different or just move along and find someone else... Usually guys like that (guys like us) see something like "keep him as a option as I date others" in really negative light. But what do i know everyone is different story i guess :P

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    • That made me sad to read because I have been through the same and I know exactly how it feels. I actually haven't been dating anyone else. He's the only guy I've been talking to.

  • I think most guys will avoid them for a while, just like most girls would. I actually believe women will take longer to get back in the game if they suffer a broken heart...

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  • Oh yes. Maybe easier after a bit more experience, but early betrayal can leave lasting scars. Confidence and trust are vital, and a bad relationship can damage both for a very long time!

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  • It is not possible to say that every male will avoid new relationships.
    I can say that it had the effect on me.

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  • Yea I can relate, after dealing with bullshit you just wanna do your own thing. Relationships require you to invest in them and put a great deal of energy, if you haven't found the right person then you already know its not even worth trying.

    If you truly like this guy and you feel mature enough to handle a relationship then show him you are up for it, prove to him you are worth it and not just another girl. He might take you seriously.

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    • How do I prove to him that I'm worth it and not just an other girl? I know I'm not just any other girl deep inside but how can I show him that? I thought he should already be able to see and feel that. But how do I show him?

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    • I have asked him what he wants and the stuff above in my question is what he told me. Ivery told him that I liked him and he said he likes me too. =/ I guess I could try the other things like showing him who I am completely. How do I get close to him?

    • Talk to him more, show affection, let him into your life, invite him out and spend time with him, talk to him on the phone.
      Lets see if it works for you

  • personally i was with one girl i thought liked me but for her it was just sex.. after this i vowed to not date again... i find it hard to trust people.. so i can see how he in his situation want to steer clear of people for a while :(

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  • I'm being careful on this one! I'm saying, "Third time's the charm" and I will make sure it is a charm!

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  • Yes. As you grow older, men begin to realize how little reward there is in being in a "committed" relationship. Myths about the virtue of women are dashed and the reality of eternal conflict rears its ugly head. Read up on MGTOW and you will understand.

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  • I am very hurt from past relationships and I was like that for a long while. Then, I moved on and got another girlfriend. I'm doing much better now.

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  • Okay, he is not interested in you. He might be willing to sleep with you but nothing more.

    The answer to original question is Yes and No. I got burned by a chick years ago and just went out to bars and had lots of one nighters / 1-2 weekers. Then a girl I really liked came around and I dated her a coup, e years

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    • So he's just not into me at all? That's what people say when they aren't into you? Hurts to know that but it's his loss. I guess I should delete his number. =/

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    • Meanings said the same stuff he says to you, except probably lighter because I try to avoid telling fibs as best possible

    • Well I'm good for more than that. He can have his sites set on others. It's him who will miss out.

  • Sure.

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  • The best cure if you're hurt is to find a new person. That's what I have had to do on more than one occasion. I get hurt because I fall in love easily, but falling in love again is also healing. No point being scared!

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  • He clearly doesn't want to be in a relationship in the main time, give him time and he might open up to you.

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  • Well, if you really like him, then convince him that it's worth it to be in a relationship with you.

    But I'm willing to bet there are other guys who would readily be in a relationship with you.

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    • I do like him a lot but I don't know how to convince him that it's worth being in a relationship with me. I dont want to feel like I'm chasing him. I thought you can't force someone to do something?

    • If he's your soul companion, then you can do anything you want to him or with him. Just don't kill him or hurt him really badly.

  • Keep him as an option. He may or may not come around. Time waits for no one.

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    • I don't know. Maybe I could but I definitely decided not to chase him. I don't think I should reach out to him anymore.

    • I don't either.

  • Guys tend not to embellish much, if he said he likes you then ask him out. It's not a bigone erase where no one can ask anyone out. Sometimes a shot in the dark hits it's mark

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    • Should I ask him out on a date? Or just to hang out?

  • Yes, some men will give up entirely and never apprach another woman again. So yes, what women do and say can affect us in a very negative eay. However, I've never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship and im 30 years old.

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  • I've done that before...

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  • Some do, some don't.

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What Girls Said 4

  • I thought guys dont have emotions =P

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  • The guy that I like says this same thing. I'm not sure about it, but I still really like him, and want to be with him, so I hope he comes around. Good luck to you.

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  • move on. at best, you will become his rebound.

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  • I went through this similar situation for over 2 years, couldn't handle it anymore, it just kept getting worse. I really wanted a relationship with him but he is like your guy too. I finally had to walk away almost 2 months ago. It sucks.

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