How do I lower my standards so they are REALISTIC? Advice?

I am a female, 20, and I know that I want a boyfriend. But every time I have the opportunity, I find something about him that I just don't like, and I obsess over it until I don't like him anymore. It can be something SO dumb, like he has a gummy smile. I feel like if he isn't my picture perfect image in my head, he isn't what I want. Which is so awful, and I know it. But I know I want a boyfriend and I know that I'm too picky. I just don't know what I can do about it. And on this topic, where do people who don't go out and party all the time find people? Like I literally have no idea. No one ACTUALLY meets men in coffee shops do they? I've tried.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You don't lower your standards you lower your expectations

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Most Helpful Girl

  • you have to get to know them beyond the superficial. be their friend before you even consider them as lovers. do you judge your friends so harshly? I bet you don't. Best way is to not think about the things you don't like about them, don't entertain those thoughts. You're choosing to pick out imperfections, just ignore them. Trust me, those things are not dealbreakers... I fell for a guy I never thought I could like. Coincidently he had a gummy smile :D and a terrible personality and he was skinny and lanky, seriously didn't think I could ever like someone like that. No one is perfect until you fall in love with them..
    As for meeting guys, you should try volunteering somewhere that interests you, that way you can meet some young people with the same passions as you. Or if you can't afford to volunteer, get a job where a lot of young people work. Also, if you don't like clubs and loud partying, you can always go to a live music bar, those are awesome places, sometimes you can spot a loner and talk to them. Blues/piano bars are great for that or any kind of music that you're into is a great bonding point.

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What Guys Said 20

  • I don't think that lowering your standards is in any way, a good idea. Sounds like you need to just have some guys to talk with, chat with, and be able to share your thoughts, feelings and issues, knowing that they are FAR AWAY, and can just be someone to talk to, and help you, and not have to worry that they are going to try to seduce you, and get you into bed!!
    I think you need a "Nice Nerd' that knows, and can be a close, intimate confidant, but not want to be anything more than a friend, or helping companion.
    I wouldn't mind talking, if you like. Send me a PM, if you like.

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  • The key to solving your problem is to normalize your experience. Here's what to do: Find a guy, an older guy, on the internet. Make sure he's not good looking. In fact, find an ugly, old guy on the internet as soon as possible. Make sure he has an attractive avatar (that's important).

    Now have sex with him repeatedly. Bang his brains out. Do things to him that you'll need to have therapy to overcome. This will serve to normalize your expectations. After this experience EVERYONE will look good.

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    I'm available tonight...

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  • Why not up your status.. start working out.. kick aass at university.. get a badass job.. buy better clothes.. and up your own status instead of lowering your standards. Cmon boyo. Have some self worth.

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  • I find chicks all over. Grocery stores, Target, on the street, parking lot, cashier lol. Anywhere.

    Your other question. Thats a you problem not the guys. Maybe needs to see someone about it.

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  • A woman's only goal in life should be marriage and maintaining that marriage. I'm speaking from the mind of Pat Sajack who owns Wheel Of Fortune.

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  • It's up to you to change you. You can change it just may not be comfortable, change often isn't. But buy into a different mindset convince yourself otherwise. Sell yourself on less picky and look at the downsides of being picky and the benefits of being more flexible. Don't view being picky as acceptable, good or OK. See it as a flaw that needs to be corrected and is holding you back if you want to be less picky.

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  • Time I guess, if you're alone long enough you might be more rational haha.

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  • Why don't you just stay picky and not have a boyfriend? It's not like you really need one.

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    • No, I don't need one at all! That isn't my issue. But I want one, and I personally think that's perfectly valid...

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    • Why do people thank people falsely? This is why you should stay single. And there we go with the agitating bit.

    • You lost me there, homie. In what way was that agitating? I said thank you for your input.

  • You start with becoming human.

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  • Don't lower your standards girl! What the heck is wrong with you. Nothing wrong with having a type. You're gonna find your type don't worry

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  • Should we try going to coffee shops?

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    • Also maybe you could just find an ugly guy that's willing to ware a mask of hugh jackman Channing Tatum when you make out?

  • A lot of 20 year olds are like that. You'll get over it.

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  • You have more than 3 tattoos and you might or might not have a kid...

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    • Definitely don't have a kid, and completely confused as to why this is relevant to my post, but I appreciate the input! Lol

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    • Yeah I'm not really sure if there's some deep psychological bull that's rolling around long forgotten in my skull. I don't tend to blame my problems on my past, cuz there's always something you can do in the present to combat them. I think recognizing an issue is a good thing to do, but like I recognized this years ago and I'm still here scrutinizing every detail of every potential male in my life.

    • Its hard, trust in yourself, don't forget who you are.

  • Nothing is perfect for the one looking for perfection. TS.

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  • Meh. It might just be how you are.

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  • Simple. Stop watching movies and don't spend as much time on the internet staring at handsome guys.

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  • Well eventually you'll lower them because you can't get a date.

    Because even if you did find a guy that met your unrealistic standards you'd have to have the perfect personality as well as look like the hottest girl on the planet to get him to like you back.

    As for where to meet people. It's no longer socially acceptable to approach girls outside of clubs and bars settings so it's either that, meet them through friends, or online dating.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Try questioning if you actually are the "perfect" girl every guy would dream of. Those little flaws that could make you insecure, imagine if someone left you for it, and realize how ridiculous it is.

    If you focus on the qualities rather than the flaws your problem is fixed.

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  • Look at yourself. Reflect on your own flaws that others would have to accept about you. You can keep your most important fundamental standards, but you have to train yourself to realize what truly doesn't matter that much to you or else you'll be stuck alone. Flaws are intimate.

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  • have you ever had a boyfriend?

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