How can I tell if a man is genuine if I don't know what to look for?

I jumped into the dating pool headfirst and I keep messing with the wrong guys. Most of the men I've talked to have turned out to only want sex. I immediately cut them off. The last two guys I actually dated for a little bit tricked the shit out of me. They were nice, made time for me, listened to me, were interested in my life, all that stuff, but they both turned out to be lying pieces of shit. The first told me he felt obligated to be with me and then I found out he had another girl he'd been with for two years. The second had multiple chicks and played the game well, telling them the same things he told me. Even showed up to my house one day with a cold sore on his lip and had the nerve to blame me! That's how I found out about the other girls. Thank God I didn't contract that shit.

Now I've completely removed myself from dating and don't talk to anyone. I reject everyone. Someone told me I was going to pass a good one up. Well how can I tell if someone is genuinely interested if people can change who they are and how they act?

This is anon because I'm embarrassed.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your Question: " How can I tell if a man is genuine if I don't know what to look for?"

    Response: Know yourself and what your boundaries are and improve yourself as water seeks it's own level, always! So if you're desperate (you said you jumped into the dating pool) then you will attract desperate men as we are essentially animals. They will use you for your reproductive utility as it's their (as it is my) gender programming instinctually to mate.

    Now to a less Wiki based response. You can tell if he's genuine if he is genuine. But the caveat is you must be genuine. Most men myself included have been burned by that one or more woman who's used us for our utility (money, status, sex, etc.) and dropped us for another guy without notice or legitimate reasons except they simply wanted to. So many guys out there are going to get in and get out, unless they think you're a keeper, which many men myself included are done believing in that (love) as feminism has created a majority of woman who are scandalous. Not to say you (and a very small percentage of women) are not genuinely seeking something genuine, but the odds of your type and a genuine guy (me) are rare. And most guys like me who were burned as we gave every woman a chance will not bother, like I said hit it and quit it (although I don't even bother hitting it even when it's handed to me on a silver platter no matter how hot she is - I have more important things in life to focus on).

    So if you want a genuine guy, don't sleep with him right away, build a mutual relationship, know he cares about you and genuinely care about him. Find out his history (relationships etc.) and you said the last two guys tricked you "lying pieces of shit" as you said. Hmmm, that may be true, or maybe not, perhaps you were not representing yourself honestly and they wanted to move on. I mean you took part in the sex and enjoyed it or else you wouldn't have partaked in it. Please don't paint yourself the victim. You had, and have agency on who you slept/sleep with as you're an adult. They were fulfilling a sexual desire as you were, but you wanted more, you were into them, but perhaps as they got to know you more they weren't into you. So they saved you from having to find out years down the road you both weren't compatible.

    Case and point, get to know them over time. Let them know under no uncertain terms no sex until you both get to know each other, as you're seeking something substantial. Either they will run or not.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • First, don't be the first to always jump in because that's just a whole mixture of confusion right there. Short maybe long story for you as what i experienced with guys around me. Making the first intentions cause crazy confusion and anxiety and here's why. I fancied this "boy" who was much older than me and i spotted him first so i assumed because i seen him as attractive ill take the first shot. So i did, not knowing that it was going to pull me in a lot of trouble later on. I spoke to him first and he told me to "put my number in his phone" *RED FLAG* and i proceeded because the only thing i was concentrating on is that i wanted him.

    We talked and all that nonsense but i felt like things weren't right but i ignored it because i felt like i was over thinking. News came up that he's kissing on other girls. That moment we were supposedly in the process of "being in a relationship". I cursed him out of course and put him out so now obviously he was "unwanted" and couldn't be trusted by any girl. The dummies of course went with him and thought they were going to be treated differently but i changed my attitude but also my moves. I was tired of the same cycle and it took fall after fall for me to actually fall hard and to notice that i need to WAKE UP and stop approaching these boys.

    Stop approaching them because i drew my perspective of what i wanted to be so i began to live with that whenever i dealt with someone. Instead of me focusing on who they really are i was looking past the wrongs. I learned very well and it made me the wise women that i am today.

    "dating pool headfirst" is dangerous.. girl let me tell you it is dangerous. You are setting yourself up for the do or die deal with jumping headfirst. I like that term because it's like an actual swimming pool and you dive in headfirst not knowing if you're going to bang your head at the bottom or eventually swim low and come back up to the surface.

    Allowing the guy to approach you is a positive but that doesn't mean he's not going to come to the table with the wrong intentions. Though not every first guy that comes to you with a suit and tie that you should automatically settle for. Leave your options open and observe the people who confront you and see what they have to offer? "Do they meet my standards on how a man is supposed to treat me?" " Is he meeting my expectations?"

    When he approaches you that becomes your time to interview him.. you're on your break time from relationships so it

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    • becomes your decision whether you take him in and continue whatever you guys have going on or cut him off quick with out being drag into a long process and being forced to cut a certain guy off because of his dirty behavior.

    • Picking and choosing which guy you "think" is loyal is the risk. Patience.. don't be naive and don't be too quick to rush into things.

    • how does approaching someone result in them screwing you over. why would them approaching you be any safer?

      i aso dont see the problem here. yo tired and it didn't work. so you move on. thats dating. a guy can approach and still lo and heat. just takes longer to find out.

What Guys Said 11

  • A lot of people are saying "wait," but they don't specify how long? Or for what? At what point do you know that someone is "genuine," whatever that means?

    I was thinking of saying "ask your girlfriends if they know guys who are decent," or get to know guys through your friends, but you're probably doing that and besides, people get burned that way too. I have.

    When you meet a guy for the first time, ask him if he has a girlfriend. Ask him anything and everything. If he gets indignant or insulted, let him go.

    It looks to me like you are doing it right. You are just going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. This crap happens to all of us. If a guy is a lying piece of shit, he is a lying piece of shit. The only time that becomes your fault is after you decide to stay with him anyway.

    Hoping that by leaving a comment, I will be notified when the question is closed. I hope you pick an MHO for this one, I will be curious to read it. It's a tough question!

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  • No need to feel embarrassed, dating has gone to shit! Feminism has turned dating into a feral cesspool where predators get to thrive and decent people suffer.

    If you haven't learned about men from your father or brothers then your going to have to learn the slow hard way by dating lots and lots of them. The trick will be to prevent your self from being harmed while you learn while also not becoming miserable jaded person no one wants to go on a date with.

    Maybe you could make some close male friends who have no interest in dating you that could help you meet decent men?

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    • Yeah no father or brothers so I'm totally clueless about men. And I wouldn't mind making some guy friends.

  • I think if you're naive and don't know what to look for then you'll always be a target, you've just gotta accept that and learn to view things with more skepticism.

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    • So be skeptical of everyone?

    • Yep. It's disappointing when it dawns on you but most people are at least a bit shit when it comes down to it.

  • Well that's what basic dating is for, to find out who he is. I suggest look at clues, how he treats other women, does he hide a lot of stuff from you? That's a good indicator

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    • What are qualities of someone who is genuinely interested?

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    • Yeah that's why it's difficult. Usually guys who don't get much female attention will cheat less, which is an honest truth

    • That makes sense.

  • There are a lot of good men out there, you've just got to know where to look. If you're going out clubbing, then the chances of meeting genuine guys is almost zero. If he is genuinely interested in you he will be kind, ask questions, not be too aggressive physically. And check how they interact with others

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    • I never talk to anyone I meet at a club or bar. That's setting myself up for failure. Other guys I've met have been at their jobs or at school. Im. not sure where else to look though.

    • I'd look for guys who aren't in big social circles that include lots of women. Not sure if it's your thing but nice guys or shy guys (like me) don't just want the V. We want to get to know the girl and have fun which doesn't always include sex

    • That makes sense

  • For each guy you date you'll know it later, with hindsight. Hindsight is usually rather good (not 100%!)
    PS, guyce face the same problem.

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  • unfortunetly the only to find out it to put in the effort and try. there will be plenty more bad ones before you find the good one.

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  • Demand his credentials and sources. Do a background check.

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  • How many guys have you had sex with that have tricked you?

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    • One. I didn't make it that far with the other one.

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    • You sound like you've been hurt. Everyone has had bad experiences but that's not a good excuse to hurt anyone. Stop the madness.

    • What by what I've said to you here?

      I'm giving you a heads up sugarlumps. Just remember I told you so.

  • I feel really sorry for you. Unfortunately there are a lot of guys like this out there, they think that it's OK to treat women like this. Society is much less harsh on men who do this than women, I'm afraid that's how it is. Let me reassure you that not all guys are like this though. The problem is that many of the guys who are like this are the kind of guys who are (naturally) well-practiced at making the right series of moves to trick women into thinking they are the genuine article. Guys who aren't like this hate it as much as women do, because it makes it harder for them to try to get together with a girl they genuinely like because women are automatically suspicious of men who approach them who appear nice, thanks to these kinds of people.

    For me personally this is an issue because I have quite a crush on a female friend of mine. I knew her casually before we became friends, she's very beatiful but I only really started to feel attracted to her after we started hanging out more and I saw she also has an awesome sense of humour and personality as well. The problem is she has had lots of bad relationships thanks to all those guys who sweet-talk the pretty girl and leave her when they've got what they want, so I'm very nervous about asking her out because I don't want her to think I'm like all of her other rubbish ex-boyfriends. Sure, I find her sexually attractive, but having a real relationship with her is way more important to me. I feel really sorry for her, because she is such a wonderful person, she really doesn't deserve to have been treated the way she has.

    In summary, the problem is you can't really tell who the good guys are and who the "other" guys are, since the "other" guys are like Oscar-winning actors in their bid to hurt as many women as possible whilst maximising their personal gain. The best advice I'd give is look for things you like in guys you already know reasonably well, i. e. that you know are not the kind of guys who mess women around. Rest assured, though, this problem is not unique to your situation.

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  • I wish I knew how to trick girls like those guys. I think it's the only way to get some.

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What Girls Said 7

  • The best thing is that you don't jump in headfirst. Is using wisdom and seeing if they qualify to becoming official. What you did in general was a good step. They did not qualify because you knew to not date somebody who just want sex or the like. But there is no such thing as passing up somebody good. It's what's considered a good guy for you, not somebody else. This is you were talking about here. If they aren't good, then they aren't. You will know if someone is genuine when they do the complete opposite of the things you don't want or need. But problem is don't fall for how they act, watch how they react and then you will know.

    Remember that eye contact does not all the time mean they are honest. If they body language doesn't add up to what their saying, especially to yes/no questions. If they seem omit things from sentences, or a story that doesn't fit or is relevant to the topic. The best book I have read and would still read is the title "Is he lying to you?" by Dan Crum. This book teaches you how to "think" and not just use "feelings" to see if that person is right or truth. Master manipulators are good at deception.

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  • there's no guarantee. you tried and it dint work. thats dating. you get to know people so you know if they are ok for you. im not sure why this is so horrible to make you want to stop dating. you just have to keep tying till yo find a good one. takes a long time. some people never do. but not trying won't help.

    id just say dont take too long. like things dont seem right. talk it out. i it still seems off. leave. the problem with being tracked is only that it wastes time. so if you get in and out quickly, you're ok.

    and dont have sex until you really want to bc if you do it just to keep him or start something roll do it for no reason.

    even the most careful person can be tricked bc no one can control another.

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    • and really you can't tell if he's interested until he knows. and you ask him.. some people dont know till they get to know someone. thats dating ;)

    • .. so dont beat yourself up. just carry on :-)

  • Truth? Make him wait. People that have ulteriror motives are impatient and won't hang around if they have to go through a lot to get the chance to use you. Wait wait wait it out sweetheart it's the best way to protect yourself from harm.

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  • I would say that you tell them that you want to wait for marriage. If they go then they are not genuinely interested

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  • Don't have sex with him at first, see if he's still interested then. Or ask to just go to lunch without anything happening.

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  • Right there with ya

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  • Good question.

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