My boyfriend wants me to give up one of my guy friends, claiming he's "inappropriate"?

So my ex boyfriend (lets call him Sam) were together for six months and then broke up, but are considering getting back together). He told me that he needs me to give up one of my guy friends (lets call him Mark) because Mark supposedly jeopardizes our relationship. Here's why: Mark and I cuddled once a couple months before I Sam and I became a thing. A week after the cuddling, when my friends and I were hanging out in a group (Sam is not part of my friend group), Mark tried pulling me into his lap quite a few times but I always got up and left because I didn't want to. He never tried anything again, so that was that. I know he considered asking me to prom, but I never thought much of that because he had three "options" - the other two, he'd had past romantic relations with.

Mark insisted that the cuddle meant nothing to him, and I partly believe it shouldn't be an issue because he cuddles with a lot of girls and claims that it "just happens." Sam says that Mark lied to me about it meaning nothing and that he definitely liked me at one point - and that because he lied about it, he may still want me now and that isn't okay with Sam. That's why he seems inappropriate. I feel like Sam is right about Mark, but I don't think that means I should have to give him up as a friend? Shouldn't there be enough trust in a relationship for Sam to know that he's the one who has my heart, regardless of whether Mark is around or not?

I don't fully understand why it's so wrong. Sam says I should stay away because it's healthy for us. But shouldn't there be point where Sam has to let go of this insecurity a little bit? I could understand if it were an ex I was trying to be friends with, but it's not. Sam told me that if I asked random people about Mark, they'd say he was right. So here I am. What do you guys think?

Thanks so much xo

Thank you for your answers everyone, I appreciate it - a lot. Something I probably should have mentioned in the question - I don't have an issue distancing myself from Mark, but at the same time I don't think I should have to avoid him at all costs. Should I really have to miss out on hangouts with my friends if he's going to be there? I don't think that's fair to me, because I feel like Sam should trust me not to let anything happen - in a group setting at the very least.


Most Helpful Guy

  • 1. Mark has the hots for you and is not honest about his intentions. Something like that does not "just happen." Sam has a good reason to not trust Mark.

    2. Why shouldn't Sam be insecure. You dated before and broke up. Why shouldn't he be concerned about the possibility of that happening again?

    3. You and Sam dated previously and it didn't work. When you get back together, you will rediscover all of the reasons that led you to break up the first time. And you will rediscover them much more quickly. Reunions are almost always a bad idea. If you think that you and Sam are different and you can make it work. . . that is what EVERYONE tells themselves before they make this mistake.

    • kudos on your third point.

    • Thank you for your answer. I agree he has a reason not to trust Mark - I'm just wondering where the trust for me plays into all of this. I also believe that I shouldn't have to completely avoid group hangouts just because Mark will be there... Does that make sense? I don't have an issue distancing myself but promising to avoid him at all costs - I find that a bit extreme, and probably should have included that in the question.

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What Guys Said 11

  • Guys don't just cuddle or try to put a friend on his lap multiple times. Mark likes you and is just waiting for an opportunity to be that shoulder to lean on or something to strike.

    This question is invalid as Sam is an ex anyway and I wouldn't get back with him either. The chance of a relationship restarting and lasting is slim. You might as well give Mark a try.

  • Mark lacks boundariesvwith you. U hold them well... but what happens when u and sam have difficulties that neef wirked through... gonna run to mark? U may be able to get away with himbeing a friend but realize he has the hots for u and is really not appropriare... he's not a friend at this stage.

  • Someone who gives me an ultimatum always loses. ALWAYS. If he can't trust you enough to say no to that guy, then he just can't trust you. Imagine how jealous that guy will be in your relationship. You are not even together and he is already trying to control who you hang with. Are you sure he is for you?

    • Thank you for your answer. That's what I was thinking. That it comes down to trust. There are happy couples out there who are friends with exes. I'm not asking for that at all, nor would I. I get what people here are saying, but at the end of the day, it all happened months ago... And I just feel like I deserve more trust in all of this, because I've always been faithful to Sam and I really don't care for Mark in a way that's more than platonic. I honestly felt kind of pathetic about the whole cuddle thing during and after it happened, because I'm just not attracted to him and I never really have been.

      As for if Sam is right for me? We have some issues we're working through (decently successfully, I'd say) and I have a few very personal reasons to want to give Sam another chance.

    • May I recommend you don't cuddle with guys you are not into? You may be unaware of what it does to us but it may send the wrong signal.

    • Lol yes you may, I definitely learned that the hard way a week later. I probably should have known better but honestly Sam was my first relationship and I'm pretty naive about guys.

  • mark isn't your friend, he is an interested male. he would get in your pants given the opportunity.

    that's not a friend.

  • Men know men better than women, if he's telling you the guy is trying something he shouldn't be, listen to your boyfriend.

    Quit being so damn selfish.

  • I agree with what you said

    In terms of mark, he either
    1. Wants to get with you
    2. Kinda likes you, but won't pursue you
    3. Likes you platonically

    Which ever one is true, all it takes is for you to stay loyal and your boyfriend to trust you

    • That's the problem here... I have no issue distancing myself for Sam but I also feel like Sam should trust me to keep him at a healthy distance... So we're different about the whole trust thing and I'm not sure how to handle it

  • It's about compatibility
    He doesn't have to be with a girl talking to guys
    And you don't have to leave your friends for him
    Sacrifices will just postpone breakup

  • Sam is right... Your should Give him up if you really care for sam

  • your friend mark is really inapropriate.. i feel bad for your boyfriend

  • Take mark or Leave both of them 😂😂

  • I could see how sam wants this mark guy out of the picture. Cuddling doesn't just happen. Your probably just starting life as young adults and still in teenager mode where guys get away with a lot of inappropriate behavior (compared to adults).

    That said, its up to you. Its messed up that he's kinda forcing this decision on you. But if i were in his shoes id just say "if your still friends with this guy, we can't be together "

    If i don't like ketchup around me ill look for a girl that doesn't eat ketchup. But if there's a girl that wants to get with me and my only thing is that she give up ketchup. Then its up to her wether or not giving up ketchup is woth it. If not, move on until you find somone who doesn't mess with your priorities.

    • Thank you for your answer! That's true - I understand what you're saying. I think my real problem here is that I don't have an issue distancing myself or keeping it to group hangouts. But I don't think I should have to avoid every group hangout he'll be at either or never interact with him at all again... If that makes sense.

    • You can do that. I have a group of friends and not all of them like eachother. At parties they stay at opposite ends of the house. To them thier friends are more important than thier hatred towards eachother.

      But we are in our mid to late 20's. So i don't know if that has somthing to do with it.

      Good luck with your problem. Hopefully something i said helped.

    • It does help, thank you. I guess the biggest thing is that Sam is a few years older than me, so his idea of genuine commitment is different from mine. I'm at the end of my teen years and have friends who are friends with exes while in relationships... So it's kind of hard to put this issue into perspective for me while I have so many people around me doing otherwise. To be honest I don't care much about Mark - this is also about me feeling like I'm being too influenced or controlled... Especially because I wouldn't want to ask the same of Sam. Distance, maybe, but not entirely cut off.

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