I fucking am disgusted with myself. 2 1/2 years with this man whom which i truly Love More than anything this world has to offer, yet I treat him like shit. I get angry with him, and I mean resentful and outwardly pissy and bitchy over every. EVERY little thing. I feel like I can't stop. He feels unheard and sad and hurt all the time, and in response, so do I. But I keep going. I feel overtaken by a disgusting unloving monster. I don't Treat him like how I feel for him, and even when I say I'm gonna work on it, It lasts two seconds and I'm back at being pissed at him. I'm so sick of hurting him, I hate myself , and I feel like everything is too late to take back. All these habits feel impossible To break
Most Helpful Guy
I want to congratulate you. While there are many people who are verbally abusive, you are unusual in that you recognize it and want to do something about it. Seriously, that is a huge step.
I disagree with other opinions that you don't love him -- I believe you when you say that you do. Sometimes, though, for some people, when they feel emotional about something, their emotions can trump the feelings and needs of others, even others that they love.
Some people might advise therapy, and that might help. If done well, it will be a coach who helps you. Some people don't need a coach, though. Others don't respond to a therapist or to any therapist.
I suggest a few things. First, pay attention to how you feel. Label your feelings, "I'm feeling frustrated that..." or "I'm feeling angry that..." You don't have to act on these feelings, but recognize them, pay attention to them. Some call this mindfulness and thought-labeling. Then, start looking for patterns and exceptions. For example, why does the same thing that was true yesterday bother you more today? And then, why does it *really* bother you? Often feelings like anger are proxies for fear. What is it you fear? Particularly emotionally? One thing that I am poor at, but that helps other people, is to go about the mental exercise of imagining what it would be like if those things that piss you off didn't bother you.
I'm reluctant to read too much into one paragraph that you wrote, but it would seem that you're unhappy with yourself. Perhaps the things that upset you, when boiled down, are ego hits? And your ego isn't strong enough to take them and responds with anger? Why do you feel a need to conjure such anger?
The other thing to look at is environmental and neuro-chemistry. Many things can effect pissiness, from whether you get enough sleep, enough exercise, are taking medications, or would benefit from medications.
All of us, at any age, are a work in progress. You will (hopefully) have many years ahead to understand yourself better, to make progress on your own (emotional) challenges, and to work on accepting yourself.
Yes, you have a disgusting, unloving monster inside yourself. You also have a beautiful and loving side. To have both is to be human. One never exorcises the monster completely, but the two sides live forever in tension.1
Most Helpful Girl
I think you need to consider therapy as a way of discovering where this anger is coming from. It isn't healthy. It might be best if you spend some time apart.0