Guys, guy is insecure about his performance in bed. How do I help this?

I have been seeing this guy for a while and he was very slow to make a move despite us having talked about wanting eachother sexually many times. When the time finally came that we took things further he finished very quickly, and has every time since. He would say he wanted sex as well but we never did, until recently. He seemed uncomfortable and told me to be ready to disappointed and apologized in advance for finishing so soon. It dawned in me that all if his hesitation to make a move and be open sexually was insecurity about his performance ( and maybe size as well). However I really care about him and this doesn't bother me. I still am very interested in him and want him to feel comfortable. How do I react when he says something about his performance again and how do I make him confident?


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22

Most Helpful Guy

  • You start by talking to him about it OUTSIDE the bedroom, in a very matter-of-fact way. You want to reassure him that you really just want him to be happy and comfortable with you - which in the long run, should improve his performance by him not being so anxious. You might also mention that if he'd like your help in working on lasting longer or whatever, that you'd be willing to try things with him - different positions, different techniques, etc., and that he shouldn't be shy about discussing things with you or bringing new ideas to the table.

    Essentially, you want to remove his anxiety and any remnants of his reasons to avoid talking about it or working on it.

    And if you notice that things are improving, give him some positive feedback. Tell him when it feels good. Tell him when he'd found "the right spot." Don't lie or exaggerate, but anytime he does something genuinely good, make sure you let him know that you noticed. That will give him motivation to do better.

    Don't be afraid to ask for things yourself either. If he's having trouble lasting with intercourse, you can have him finger you or give you oral before you start, perhaps giving you some orgasms first, so that you're better satisfied when he gets his.

    It sounds like you are patient and open-minded, which is excellent and very helpful, so if you just do the other things I've mentioned, you should see SOME improvement before too long. He may never give you a marathon sex session, but if he can work up to 5-10 minutes, that should be a big improvement...

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What Guys Said 21

  • Ask him if he wants to get better... I'm sure he will say yes.

    tell him you are his willing subject, help him find information on how to improve, and be patient with him. try to help him to slow down and play longer.

    I wouldn't lie and say it is ok, I would be accepting and supportive, on what he does right, thoughts on how to do better, and that you really respect him (for whatever you can respect him for... guys love respect!)

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  • try explaining to him that being good in bed takes some work. and see if he wants to work on things. tell him you are happy with him and we can always work to BOTH be better in bed

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  • It has never stopped surprising me how much we men focus on sexual prowess and performance as a measure of who we are in a relationship.

    Especially considering if you think about it, the majority of good relationships spend less than 4% of their time in the sack (and that's if the man has some serious climax control going on).

    How to help him? Well explain that the two of you have a long and wonderful road ahead. That you are there to be with him regardless.

    As a fellow man who dealt with the same stuff 20 years ago, I would tell him to talk with lesbians about it. They got the roadmap and can point out all of the good attractions to visit on the way. What I did.
    Control is great but that comes with learning ones own rhythm and knowing when exactly to interrupt it. Once he gets that he will be good for at least an hour, but then he needs to learn on how to keep it interesting for that long!

    We never stop learning about ourselves or our partners (well long term ones).

    You can help by directing him while he is at working at it, get vocal, and if his eyeballs start to bulge smack the shit out of him before he goes LMAO

    Best advice is LESBIANS LESBIANS LESBIANS!!! They really are the best.

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  • By being supportive/friendly. When he ejaculates quickly, act like it's nothing at all and don't end it after. Continue. Either just cuddle naked for a while or have him pleasure you. He's too much in his head right now and needs to relax and get totally comfortable with you. Spend time just being naked together (if you can). Have sex often and like I said, don't let it be the end when he cums. His comfort level will increase and he should start lasting longer in time.

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  • Grab his face and hold it close to yours and say "listen to me baby, I fell in love with who you were before I got you in bed, before I knew what you would feel like physically. because I already felt what you were like in that wonderful head of yours and THAT is what I've always wanted. If you want to be better then fine, learn to be better. but it wouldn't do much because right now I couldn't be happier to be with you."

    Something like that. Make it clear you love him for who he is and show him that the evidence is that you fell in love and were 100% sure you wanted to be with him BEFORE you ever slept with him.

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  • Just tell him that size doesn't matter to you, but don't say he has a small penis even if he asks, and don't lie either. When it comes to performance, no pun intended, assuming he was a virgin, a guy may cum quicker than usual when it's his first time (s) but after a while he will be able to last longer.

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  • You show him this question and make him realise he shouldn't be worried.

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  • just confront him and tell him that im not dissapointed but we could do more things, like foreplay, giving head and different positions

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  • Maybe tell him you know it's going to suck but that you want it anyway. The reason he is so nervous is that he feels the pressure to be a good lover. If you show him you don't expect him to be one, the pressure drops. He might be able to start getting better if he stops worrying about it.

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    • 3mo

      Good lord man!

      That first sentence will utterly destroy any level of confidence he may have. You will never achieve anything without a measure of confidence... and lube, lots and lots of lube.

      I get what your saying, just that first sentence will damn near end their sex life.

      Cheers

    • 3mo

      @Syvient Yeah well... he DOES suck... lol

    • 3mo

      @JuicyBrain
      LoL nah I don't believe that he doesn't get the job done, she indicates in the details that she enjoys it but is concerned over the way he is viewing his own performance.

      It's all good though, we all learn differently. The technique you suggest may have merit, just when I read the first sentence I imagined it being said to me years ago.

      "Hey Syv, do you know you suck shit in the bed, but it's ok I will screw you anyways"

      I shuddered even when I typed that.
      Different strokes for different folks though.

      What really gets me laughing is when you encounter the dude and his girl out. He keeps going on and on about how great he is in the sack. Behind him you can see her eyes widen for just a moment as she obviously thinks "news to my ass"

      Cheers buddy

  • Whatever you do, don't lie or fake it. The truth ALWAYS comes out. Just don't be negative, and be welcoming. That and communicating what pleases you will help the both of you to be happy together.

    I really suggest you teach him to please you orally. It's a skill anyone can learn and your positive response will help him to feel more confident.

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  • Doe she masturbate often... if not he should. He will learn how to control it and build up a resistance to coming early.

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  • As he gets more comfortable that you're not going to dump and run things will improve. Do some googling on how to get him to stop before he comes.
    Good for you. Your assurances will allay his fears.

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  • There may not be much you can do because if u talk to him and he thinks you are just trying to make him feel better then he will just feel worse. Whatever you say you have to mean and say with conviction that catches his attention because the hardest thing to do will be for him to convince himself to be confident.

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  • You need to give him a bj or hj before the vaginal penetration ensure he ejaculates before inserting in you. You then need to gyrate moan and caress he as best as you can giving him compliments throughout. His he satisfying you sexually?

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  • just sex again 30mins later, the second time will be better.

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  • Have a sex and say it was nice?

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  • How do you know he's worried about his size?

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  • Get him Viagra

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  • That guys lucky lol lots of girls usually leave, talk to him about it communication solves lots of problems tell him how you feel, but not during sex, like when you have time

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  • Be the sex initiator. If you're hanging out just jump on him and say something like "do what you did to me last night" and just start going to town on him.

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    • 3mo

      Now that would work to get his confidence up and to reassure him he is getting the job done properly.

      Good advice.

  • Well, my suggestion is to lie.

    Specifically, make a move on him, and as soon as things start, start talking about how bad you want his cum. Act like him cumming fast pleases you.

    At worst it might make him feel better.

    At best... he might actually relax and last longer. Ironically, the harder he tries to last, the faster he'll cum if he's not relaxed about it.

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