Is it wrong to date him? I'm 19 and he's 30?

So I'm 19, and I have a friend who's 30. He and I get along great.
He likes me and has shown interest in taking me out and seeing me on a more romantic level... I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him and would love to go on a couple of dates with him to touch the waters, but I feel that this age gap is pretty huge.
He also mentioned to me a few weeks ago that whenever he dates, his main objection is to see if she's wife material. I can totally understand that he's looking for a wife at this age, and I wouldn't want to waste his time given that he doesn't have much time left.
In the past week or so, he has hinted that if we were to see each other, he'd want to consider marrying me eventually, and I'm not gonna lie, I've always thought about getting married ever since I was a very small child. I'm just really unsure, especially since I'm a sophomore in college and I have plans on going to law school..
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!


1|0
35|53

Most Helpful Guy

  • At your age, 11 years difference in a relationship seems much bigger than it is when you are 20 years older. You are really struggling over this. Your schooling tells me you are a young woman with great ambition. Don't do anything to make that change. Don't have children before you are out of school and start your practice. The child will drastically change your life. You will likely regret not finishing your goals when you are older. Most young girls think about marrage when they grow up. My direct advice if you were my daughter would be to tell your friend that your education and career are vital to you and should you and he hit it off, he will have to wait until you are ready to put the energy it takes into having a successful marriage. You have a lot of time to have kids, but he may not want to wait that long. There is a lot that goes into this. Take as long as you need to make this decision. There is a lot that you need to consider. Make sure you do what is best for you, not him. I wish you the best. You are in a tough position.

    2|1
    0|0

Most Helpful Girl

  • The age gap is substantial but not that bad. I've seen people with bigger age gaps than 11 years. But you need to figure out how you feel for him and if you want to go on a few dates with him, go ahead but make it clear to him that you're still unsure and it's the best way for you to figure it out.

    I've seen couples married with 30 and 40 years age gaps and live years together happy. One couple I know is 42 years apart and still happy together. They've been together for the last 30 years. One of the partners is in their 90s while the other is in their 50s. It has a toll but it shouldn't stop you from dating. Yes, there's adjustments to make but that's every relationship. No relationship is perfect and the age gap does have different struggles but it shouldn't be a problem if you understand them.

    0|1
    0|0

What Guys Said 52

  • In my view the age gap between two individuals shouldn’t be a deciding factor when determining if you’re right for each other. What should be a factor is whether nor not your personalities meld well, that you like each other, have feelings for one another, and if you feel your overall needs, wants, and desires will be met with the person in general.

    This being said, I don’t believe the two of you are going to fit this overall parameter. The reason I suggest this may be the case from what you’re describing is because I’m feeling by your posting you both are at different points in your lives and even though you are budding feelings for each other, you or him may begin to resent the other overall as time goes by.

    He’s already admitted to you he doesn’t date anyone he’s not considering ‘wife’ material and he’s already told you that he may want to eventually marry you if things work out and from his point of view and his status in life right now and age, he’s looking for a wife, someone he can build a family with, and though you didn’t say it, he may want children eventually as well.

    You on the other hand are at a point in your life where you like what this guy has to offer and you’re amendable to the overall plan, but you’ve also stated you are a sophomore in college, with aspirations to attend law school when you’re done with your undergraduate education, and even though you have always wanted to get married since you were a little girl, I’m not getting the impression you want to jump into marriage right away, potentially get pregnant, but your education on hole and deal with having a family right now, while you’re still trying to figure out the direction you want to take your life in the first place.

    You’ve already told yourself you understand where he’s coming from, you intellectually you’ve reached the same conclusions I’m indicating above, but due to your feelings and perhaps even a desire not to hurt him, you’re being uncertain what’s the best course of action to take and the fact you both get along well isn’t helping, because you’re maybe thinking what if you pass up on this and he finds someone else then you’ll always wonder what you could have had. Could this perhaps be playing in your mind, as well?

    Not to mention you feel he doesn’t have much time left in this life, an assumption on your part, but I get where you’re coming from and so you’re feeling rushed and rushing into anything is never, absolutely never, a good idea.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Just approach it with an open mind and learn whatever it is you can from the experience or from him. It may work out it may not work out as a serious long term committed relationship. Don't focus too much on either outcome at this point and just take advantage of it as a learning experience. If things work out well enough and you feel there is enough of a connection and if you both are able to work things out then continue. Otherwise like I said, just treat it as nothing other than meeting up to eat or drink or do some activity together or go somewhere together and treat it as fun and shorter term experiences for learning purposes. After all he has much more life experiences than you which may help you learn a few new important things for your future dating life or relationships even if it did not result in a serious long term committed relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • 10 year age difference isn't much in the long run, but at that age it is. At 19 you're just starting to learn what it's like to be an adult. I'm 30 now and not being an adult and being a kid living with my parents seems like an entire lifetime ago.

    Not saying you shouldn't date him, but I would be extremely cautious. Men in their 30s and even 40 who are unsuccessful dating women their own age can sometimes choose to go after college women because they are easy to impress with even simple things like living alone and owning a nice car, thing that college guys don't have.

    0|0
    0|0
  • That's a big age gap. But dating is about learning about yourself, others, what you like and don't like and what you need so you can find someone who is really compatible and good for you. So often the process is to be infatuated and attracted and it takes time to figure out who the other person really is (emotionally, enivornment, character, etc..) so you find the valuable stuff.

    But as it is just dating, I say go on a few dates. It isn't wasting his time for him because the more girls he dates, the better chance he has of finding someone (abundance creates more abundance for guys). As well, he learns about you and if you are wifey material.

    Honestly, most guys are "boob stupid" for a while so if you look good... he may think that, but it is really the compatability, commonality, that make the LTR.

    0|0
    0|0
  • He's 30 and 'doesn't have much time left'? :D

    This has disaster written all over it, in my view. Not because of the age. I don't care about that. It's just very 'checkboxy'. I know I'm a silly, impractical soul, but what ever happened to dating people and just you know, enjoying their company, getting to know one another? Consider marrying you? Way to put all that pressure on you. He doesn't even know you for Christ sake, and he should be aware of your age... He brings up marriage when you haven't even tested the waters, you have little relationship experience for comparisons sake, from the sounds of it, so you don't know what you like and don't like, with regard to a partner. Why the rush?

    My insight, would basically be, don't roll over with regard to his ideas. He may want to marry quickly. If he wants to, let him go do that. You're fully entitled to want to enjoy your self and not become tied down until you have a little more experience. He needs to respect that.

    0|1
    0|0
  • I am well over 40 and my girlfriend and I met when she was 20. I have dated 19 year olds too, but it has been a few years.

    The age difference should not matter for dating. If you like each other, that is all that matters, and don't let anyone tell you any different.

    His wanting to get married and your being 19, an absolute age, is a problem. Divorce rates for women who marry under 21 are sky high. I suggest you save the marriage question until you are over 25.

    I will point out that one woman, Wendy Davis, was about 20 when she married a man about 40 and went to Harvard law school. Her boyfriend/husband paid for her undergraduate school and her law school. The day after he paid the last Harvard Law tuition bill, she served him with divorce papers. She went on to run to run for Governor of Texas (and lost).

    She seriously took advantage of him, and I do not recommend it, but it is something to consider.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Hindsight will tell. Hindsight is usually pretty good.
    But when I was 30 I wouldn't have touched a 19 yo with a pole.

    Don't be blinded by your desire to get married. IMHO 19 is too young. Wait AT LEAST until you have your Law degree and a job and an income.

    1|0
    0|0
  • No, it's not wrong, just the age gap is big. However, this is not the point here. He likes you and I have the feeling that you might like him too. You're in different stages in your lives though, your objectives may differ now. The point is: are you willing to accept all those differences? Not the age difference, but the ones that come to you because of this big age gap.

    If the answer is no, then dating him is probably not a good idea.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I tend to agree with the cliche that "age is just a number" and that what's important is each person's level of maturity and perspective on dating. From what you described you seem to have a very level head on your shoulders, so if you feel comfortable testing the waters then I think you should go for it. Don't feel like going on a couple dates has to mean any more than that... maybe you guys will click and go on to have an incredible relationship, or maybe you'll find that it's just not the right dynamics for a romantic relationship. But don't be afraid to take chances... that's what life is all about!

    0|0
    0|0
    • 3mo

      Also, I have a question I'd love to get your advice about. If you don't mind will you send me a message on my profile page?

  • Why pull the trigger on something so serious? If you want to have fun with an older guy then do so. If his head is on straight he is not going to resent you for wasting his time because he should know 19 years olds are on the move and developing. If he really became invested in a 19 year old then he is a weirdo and you should move on.

    I hate the cliche "age is just a number".

    Yeah... a number that tells you how long you've been dealing with bullshit on this earth. How many people you've dealt with, experiences you've had, how much you understand about yourself, etc. You can only be so mature at any age unless you really really have been through some stuff in your lifetime.

    You have your entire life in front of you. You already said you have different priorities than him. You will meet more men in college, in your career, and throughout your 20s. Age matters less when you're older but you are very young and honestly so is 30. Bit immature of him to be in such a rush, just shows that he is somewhat insecure about where he is at in life. Telling/hinting to a 19 year old he entertained marrying her is just weird. You likely won't even be the same person at 25 you are now and a 30 year old should understand that.

    Are you the only person he is talking to? If not are you cool with that? What age are the people he hangs around and dates? Do you date and/or talk to other guys? How long have you been talking? How do you know each other? When was his last serious relationship? How well does he interact with people closer to his age group? How many men have you dated seriously? What about serious relationships? Slept with? Any chance he just wants to get laid even if he does like you as a person too? All important questions to ask yourself or even share with us if you want more insight.

    If he is 30 and sucks talking to people his own age then walk away. If he knew you as a 17 year old then walk away. If you knew him for a short period of time and he's already dropping hints that he he wants something serious walk away.

    0|0
    0|0
  • No, it's not wrong because you're both of legal age. However, the age gap might be a bit much because you two are at different stages of your life. He's ready to settle down and you're just getting started. You never know though.

    There's only one way to find out!

    0|1
    0|0
  • The older you get the smaller that age gap will be. I'm ten years older than my girlfriend and it works great.

    As long as law school and marriage are not mutually exclusive it doesn't seem a bad thing.

    But a key (if you get married) would be not to ignore your personal growth in education.

    0|2
    0|0
  • Think about this: If you were a 30 years old adult, would you date a 19 year old boy?

    That should give you an idea what kind of a person he is.

    1|1
    1|1
    • 3mo

      I'm nearly that age and I wouldn't. My limit for dating someone younger than me would be 26. However, this seems to happen more with some men. My father is an example. He was 28 when he met my mother, who was still a 3-4 months shy of her 18th b-day.

    • Show All
    • 3mo

      But at 19 I'm not expecting you bro know either , so it's alright. Opinion owner

    • 3mo

      @Djaaaaaay If you are 55 years old and you want to date a 19 year old, then you are fucking sick.

  • "He also mentioned to me a few weeks ago that whenever he dates, his main objection is to see if she's wife material."

    Umm.. objective, I think.

    He would want to consider marrying someone he, potentially, has romantically been involved with for... how long?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Go on the dates, age doesn't matter, But I think its a little strange he talks like that, its borderline creepy and a red flag. However who knows, just tell him you dont plan to marry till after law school. if you both fall in love what does the date of the potential marriage matter?

    0|0
    0|0
  • If you want something serious that could last long term with someone that really cares about you, your chances are better with an older guy, but if you just want something short term and not so serious, then short term is better.

    You going to school doesn't matter unless you would be going to a school far away because long distance doesn't work for a serious relationship. Especially if you have years of school to go, but if your school is close, it could work for long term.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 3mo

      Being an undergraduate and married is hard. Being a graduate student and married can work.

  • age has nothing to do with it. if he wants to get married to you, then date him for a while if you like, but dont just give him sex right away, hold him for a long time before you eventually give in. go to law school, if the guy sticks around and stays in touch during that time, then you can come back to him. dont rush into it. But age is not a problem here. IF you were 29 hed be 40, so then it doesn't seem so bad does it?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Don't get married to this guy.
    The age difference isn't the problem
    It's what he is looking for. He is looking for a mature woman to start a life with and have a family.

    If you are willing to sacrifice law school go ahead
    But going to law school and pleasing this husband probably is gonna suck

    0|0
    0|0
  • This is considerably big age difference

    0|1
    0|0
  • You can see how the dating goes but also telling him about your plans on going to law school. He shouldn't rush you into taking an hasty decision if he really loves you... Decision taking in rush always ends up badly... Take your time to think about the whole thing...

    0|1
    0|0
  • my girlfriend is half my age (18) and we get along quite well. we're actually gonna take the same classes with each other starting Monday. (i enrolled in her CC)

    regardless you need aligning long term goals.

    0|0
    0|0
  • No, that's actually how it's kind of supposed to be. Women are most attractive in their early twenties, and men are most attractive in their 30s and 40s. Thus, you match up, evolutionary, makes the most sense.

    0|1
    3|0
  • It's not wrong, but as long as he's productive and have a house?

    Then you're good to go, but it might feel awkward when your at your family reunions?

    0|0
    0|0
  • Yeah, oh certainly, you should steer clear and let him live his life.

    0|0
    0|0
  • i dont think its wrong at all.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I say give things a try, no reason not to!

    0|0
    0|0
  • Nothing wrong with it and it doesn't matter what other people think either. If it's not illegal, then no one can say whether it's right or wrong.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Have fun, but I dont think a relationship would work.

    1|0
    0|0
  • focus on law school. Priority one.

    0|1
    1|0
  • Woat

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Guys
    22

What Girls Said 34

  • Over 18, your not a child anymore. But you do have to be wise with your choices, especially now that you dating somebody who is almost twice your age. He has fare more experience than you. But as long as you two are mature with this relationship and you both have no other alternative motives. But if you feel that gap is huge, which it is. Then you don't have to continue seeing him. Its entirely up to you. You use better judgement. All you can do is get to know him better, and if you see things that aren't good, don't date him. That's all.

    0|0
    0|1
  • He's playing you for a fool and you're just eating it up. Stay in school.

    "He also mentioned to me a few weeks ago that whenever he dates, his main objection is to see if she's wife material. I can totally understand that he's looking for a wife at this age, and I wouldn't want to waste his time given that he doesn't have much time left."

    How many years has he been at this game? And it's gotten to the point that he's doing interviews with teenagers to be his wife? (Because women closer to his age probably see through all his bullshit!) He's already talking marriage and you haven't even started dating yet? Honest men don't make those kinds of promises before courting even begins. And dicks don't expire in their 30s. Sorry. Men's bodies and women's bodies function differently in that area.

    You seem to already be falling for it though so good luck with that.

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think that you should keep it as friends. Do not test the waters with this one. It will only hurt him. The age gap is hug especially since you are still in college and should be focusing on that part of your life. Be a young adult don't try to be someone's future wife yet.

    1|1
    0|0
    • 3mo

      To clarify, I don't think it is "wrong" but I don't think it is the smartest choice you could be making. No it is not illegal but it would speed up your life so much and you should get to enjoy where you are now.

  • You're asking so you already know it's not a good idea for yourself.

    1|0
    0|0
  • meh... as someone who doesn t know any of you personally I can t really judge each s intentions and know how it s going right?
    from what I read, I can say that each of you are in a different level in their life.
    different goals, different expectations.
    I would go out for him just for the experience but since he wants smthng serious I suggest you break it off.
    marriage is smthng you d consider 10 years later
    so until then haha

    0|1
    0|0
  • ur probably looking for two different things at the point ur both at in ur lives.. but u can try and date him and see how it goes... jusy b straight up with him and tell him ur not looking to settle down just yet...

    0|0
    0|0
  • Dont give up your plans just to date someone but also, you're kind of already walking the aisle when youve just met! Go on some dates and give it a chance and see where it leads. My ex is 38, so we're 12 years apart in age and we had a lot in common and always had fun so you might too.

    0|0
    0|1
  • Nope. Men are like wine; the older, the better. Go for it. ;)

    0|1
    1|0
  • If you like him a lot.. then age doesn't matter

    0|1
    0|1
  • i don't think it's wrong to date him , since you get along gret and you connect with eachother i feel like that age gap shouldn't really matter , in fact it could make your relationship even more interesting , since the both of you have different ages and so you have different prespectives.
    Also i think you should either hint at him or straight up tell him that you don't plan to get married so soon so he could decide if he wants to wait for you or move on. And by the way , you still CAN go to law school as a married woman , can't you? you can postpone having children for when you're fully ready ^^

    0|0
    0|0
  • dating him is OK! BUT this is the age to have fun, go out, party. and he is looking for a wife. so that might cause problems in your relationship

    0|0
    0|0
  • Date him if you want to. But only do it if you are serious about him. Don't lead him on if you don't think it could work out

    0|0
    0|1
  • Not a good idea. When you 50 you will still want to go out and have fun. All he will want to do is sit at home in his slippers with his teeth in a jar beside him watching re-runs of Mr Ed the talking horse!

    0|0
    0|0
  • yeah, he is too old for ur age

    0|0
    0|0
  • It's fine. I'd date someone 10 years older.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Uhhhh. 30?
    I wouldn't even consider that.

    1|0
    0|1
  • I used to think it's extremely weird, but now I see that if you care about them and get along great, then why not? Go for it 😊

    0|0
    0|1
  • No, I am currently 25 and my youngest daughters dad is 45, age is only a number if you guys click and are happy together that's all that matters

    0|0
    0|1
  • Date him if you want, you are legal so it doesn't matter how your partner is older than you.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Not wrong.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It's not wrong. If it feels right then go for it

    0|0
    0|0
  • Meh. 11 yearys is not that bad. You're both adults.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Love is more important than the age

    0|0
    0|0
  • No, I think it is ok. Age really shouldn't matter, if your in love. 😊

    0|0
    0|0
  • Nothing wrong with it. If you love him go for it!!

    0|0
    0|0
  • My friend was 53 and im 23 so go for it!

    0|0
    0|1
  • Keep living your life and don't loose sight of your plans.

    1|0
    0|0
  • i hAve a friend she is 17 and her boyfriend 38, i wouldn't do that but then again the heart wants what it wants, so if it is something you want nothing can stop you

    0|0
    0|1
  • That's quite a difference, but discuss it with each other

    0|0
    0|0
  • Age is just a number!! So it' not wrong to date him

    0|0
    0|0
  • More from Girls
    4
Loading...