How can a guy be assertive or authoritative while still not being considered a jerk or an asshole?

I have heard time and time again countless complaints from female friends of mine about how all guys are jerks and they wished they could date a nice guy for once. Yet, when I ask how they are jerks, it sounds like the guys they date are too assertive and don't think about them enough. However, whenever I am in a long-term relationship, it always ends because the girl says I am 'too nice' and that I need to be more assertive. It comes as a shock to me how many girls are put off by that, yet when a guy is assertive, he's considered a jerk. So for girls, do you have an explanation for this, and for guys, has this ever happened to you? For example, I am apparently really sweet, treat them well, am very nice, take them out, talk to them all the time, give back rubs, shoulder massages, always come to see them, call them, text them in the morning, ask them how their day was, tell me how beautiful they are, etc. And I know the problem isn't that I'm smothering or anything like that, I've asked and they've always said that I do just the perfect amount where I'm not annoying. I have no problem disagreeing with them or telling them that they're wrong, and I make most of the big choices as well, yet apparently that's still considered not assertive enough.


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What Girls Said 2

  • I think the word your looking for to describe being in the middle of friendly and asshole is dominance. Being dominant is actually a really attractive way to be both nice and assertive. I met a guy who was pretty good at balancing niceness and dominance. He became the leader and looked out for us but at the same time he suggested different things to do for the day, being flexible - didn't force us to do anything. He took charge and not only that but he didn't let anyone walk all over him as well as his friends/girlfriend. Maybe it is all about having good values and virtues that you believe gentlemen should have? He was always about living your life to the fullest and made sure I didn't miss out lol. You can't be a doormat for the rest of your life but at the same time you want people to respect you.

  • Young girls don't know what they want. I know because I was one. It sounds like you're a smart guy that's going to attract the type of girl that you belong with. Don't mess around with young dumb girls too much. Don't let them walk over you. Save yourself for someone who will be worth it in the future.

    • Oh I'm not young, that was a problem with my profile I can't change back, I'm actually 27

    • *that young

    • Okay well typically we're past that attitude at this age. They should be thinking about their careers or future family building. I can only guess that they find you lacking in one of these two areas. Either they see you're not ready to provide or to be a family man. If it's not this then I am guessing you're still messing with basic girls.

What Guys Said 1

  • I wonder wha people mean by dominant and what it entails. I hate how being told you're nice has a negative stigma to it. How about I don't start shit with someone unless they do?

    Being genuinely nice doesn't mean you're a doormat or pushover, same with having interest in a person.