Why is someone with Social Anxiety such a turn off for most people?

That they wouldn't want to date that person?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I have anxiety, and I have fought hard to work with my issues. For me personally if someone has a condition severe enough that it'll hinder our relationship (because they have to rely on me too heavily for support, not just for support in general) then it can pose an issue.

    I'm not totally against the concept unless this person is an extreme case, because I tend to be attracted to confidence and the way a man carries himself.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think it's because we have become a society that values such extreme extroversion that anything other than being a loud-mouth "life of the party" is considered "undesirable". Many socially anxious people I know are actually good honest people, with integrity, and humility. None of that is valued in today's society though. It's about how "outrageous" and "in your face" someone is. Just look at some of the comments here:

    we "have something to hide" we "are anti-social" we "are boring" we "make them uncomfortable (by not socializing enough!)" we "aren't being ourselves" we "give off negative energy" we "don't WANT too (socialize)".

    None of those ideas are usually even remotely true. I mean people stay with other people who cheat, who are violent with them, but socially anxious? OMG! There is something wrong with our culture when many people forgive cheating, lying, and even violence, but Social Anxiety is often viewed as a mortal sin.

    "Quiet" by Susan Cain goes into some more detail about the extroverted-obsessed culture we now live in. It deals more with introversion, but I think Social Anxiety is closely tied in.

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What Girls Said 43

  • I feel like people expect everyone to be 100% perfect before entering a relationship. Everyone has something they're working through, and relationships are meant to be supportive and a way for people to do life together. People with mental illness, especially social anxiety, are considered too weird or unstable to be a trustworthy partner, which isn't fair. I have social anxiety, and I'm pretty sure there are others like me who have the potential to be a great partner but aren't given the chance because of what's really just a different kind of personality. It's not a defect (unless you have debilitating panic), but that's how people see it.

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  • I don't want to be around someone that gives me negative nervous energy.
    I'll happily be friends with someone like this but not in romance.

    I used to have social anxiety and still do in many ways but keep it at bay with meditation, exercise, clean diet and constant mind training.
    Its not supposed to be easy!

    Someone is instantly more attractive if they can help themselves and you will be suprised to find out how many confident/outgoing people struggled to become themselves. They actively work hard at keeping their minds and body healthy because they learnt the hard way.

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    • 3mo

      If I avoided doing my yoga even for one day - I can barely look people in the eye without having all sorts of issues unless I drank alcahol or took drugs.

      I understand the struggle. But it can be managed and I love meeting people now.

  • I understand any type of anxieties. Life isn't easy for everybody, and we often forget to consider what a person has gone through in their past. It doesn't have to mean something physically, but it could have been a bad interaction with somebody, being at the wrong place at the wrong time to witness something that emotionally changed you, etc.

    The only type of social anxiety I have is having trouble keeping eye contact, or not exactly knowing what to respond with. I guess you can say that's social awkwardness. I don't know. But with the nature of human beings, we can be quite intimidating and judgmental to each other. So, there's no shock that anxiety exist.

    As far as dating somebody with social anxiety, it wouldn't be a turn off. I might sometimes get the wrong impression that I may bother them if they don't respond straightforward and seem like they're avoiding. So, I would hope the effort would be somewhat equal from both sides to let me know I'm on the right track.

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  • As long as there is no issue IN the relationship. Many with social anxiety are comfortable with their friends and partners, so it shouldn't be too much of an issue if that was the case. Also as long as they are able to go places with me. I would never put them (or even those without social anxiety) in an uncomfortable situation where they would be introduced to a big bunch of people and expecting them to talk. I even absolutely hate that myself.
    However I don't want them to rely on me too much and I don't want them to ALWAYS make the excuse that they have anxiety to not do something like trying to treat your anxiety, or not put any effort at all into getting know my best friends or family for instance.

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  • I thrive off of being around other people, whether it be my friends, or just in busy places like the mall, dt, the gym, etc.. I wouldn't have anything personally against someone with social anxiety, though would be hesitant to date seeing as how their anxiety would be a pretty big conflict of interest between the two of us.

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    • 3mo

      I have social anxiety and go to concerts, the mall, and parties, severity varies. I'm not good at starting or holding conversations, but with a partner that wouldn't be an issue anymore.

  • Not a turn off, but definitely something I have little patience for in a romantic partner, in a friend, I don't mind.

    I just can't keep leading the conversation, I'm not that interesting lol it'd make me feel like I'm rambling and they're not interested.

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    • 3mo

      So the other person has to be interesting?

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    • 3mo

      ^being in a relationship with someone who doesn't talk or.. bla bla bla

  • I'm not very extroverted.. I love my alone time more than being surrounded by people.. but when I'm with people like friends or anyone else I'm dealing with I make the most of that time and like to enjoy it to the max.. I'm a confident person and I'd like my partner to be confident as well... it's not just partner.. I don't get along with people who have social anxiety in general because they just don't like to interact and usually just hide.. and I don't make th effort or take time to get them out of that hiding spot to get to know them.. they get along better who're shy as well.. because they can understand each other

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    • 3mo

      They do like to interact just like anyone actually. It's just that fear gets in the way and stops them from putting themselves in those situations.

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    • 3mo

      Well your view is a common misconception about people with social anxiety not wanting to be around others and possibly contributes to why they feel so isolated and alone at times.

    • 3mo

      @MusicMayhem I can't get into the head of other people..

  • Maybe it's the lack of experience that is a turn off

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  • It makes them think you are lying or hiding something. Plus uneasiness in one person breeds uneasiness in those around them. Emotions are contagious.

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    • 3mo

      If the guy explained to you that it's because he has SA that he acts that way, might you understand and even give him a chance?

    • 3mo

      You need to go to CBT to work on controlling it. Bi speak as someone with social anxiety.

  • It can be hard to interact comfortably and form a bond, I guess.

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  • I;m not sure, I don't know what social anxiety really is, but if the guy is really shy and can't approach me I wouldn't know.
    I like it when a guy comes to me and flirts with me confidently because there is no way I'm going to go for you first simply because although I'm extroverted, when I find a man very attractive I can barely say a world, and it would be awkward if both of us are completely silent.

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  • Extroverted/social people just wouldn't have many things in common with such a person and in addition; their entire lifestyle would have to change if they considered a relationship with someone with social anxiety. They couldn't take them to social events, parties, maybe not even to meet their family or friends - just any kind of environment they themselves thrive in.
    I think it's only natural they prefer someone who is more like them in that regard.

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  • It depends on the person. Sometimes it's because you are harder to get to know. Sometimes people who have social anxiety exhibit self hatred of some kind (I know many people like this). People who are down on themselves all the time. That is a huge turn off.

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  • I can handle awkward, I'm awkward too. I dunno if I can handle creepy/apprehensive to an extent that I'm uncomfortable (which would mean an EXTREME case of social anxiety) because I'm awkward, and I know what it's liked to be nervous.

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  • My boyfriend quite often forgets about my anxiety, like dumbfoundedly forgets. He'll tell me to come out into the kitchen and I'll panic because all his flatmates are there and he's trying to get me to talk and interact and I'm just frozen and he just completly forgets until I'm back into his room crying my eyes out. Of course he apologizes profusely, but I also know he is always trying to push me a little bit, I've gotten better lately and he has been less pushy.

    Any way I don't think it's really an issue in our relationship, I'm not so bad that I can't go out, (large crouds are a little stressful) I do dread ordering any food, but I do it. I'd kill him if he broke it off with me because of that.

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  • I have social anxiety. Just a much harder time opening up to people I'm not generally accustomed to being around.
    Plus certain people give off this vibe that makes it absolutely impossible to want to talk to them.

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  • It's hard to interact with them. Also, when you first meet someone, and you don't know they have a social anxiety issue, you might just think they're acting strange. It's not a deal breaker, though, especially if they're working on it.

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    • 3mo

      Its only hard during first impression. U have to actually take the time and patience to open them up. Its quite rewarding ya know

    • 3mo

      You have to remember not everyone is going to take the time and have the patience to do that, though.

      So, if I had social anxiety for example, I wouldn't assume or expect that other people will change their ways and approach to suit me - instead, I would work on my own social skills and try to be more open and inviting myself. I can't control how other people react, but I do have more control over my own life and behavior. It's always good to strive for self-improvement and work on things you have some control over. It does a world of good.

    • 3mo

      Right. Go on ahead cuz great things are awaiting you in this cruel world that we live in 👋🏼

  • Not for me. I struggle with anxiety as well.

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    • 3mo

      Me too sometimes. I think everyone does.

    • 3mo

      @HulkkSmash I'm sure most people do whether it's temporary or a life-long thing. What's important is how you handle it, though.

    • 3mo

      Yep. Thats what makes men out of boys n so on. in my opinion

  • In most cases it's because they are ignorant to the true meaning of the term. A lot of people assume the person is unstable , which is totally unfounded. I know people with social anxiety and they are very stable , level-headed people.

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  • I have social axiety lol but the funny thing is I don't seem like i deal with it at all. I personally couldn't date something that had social anxiety as well.

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    • 3mo

      Someone

    • 3mo

      Why not?

    • 3mo

      Because people just think I'm quiet or shy which isn't untrue, but I also have a very extroverted side and can be verun bubbly upon meeting. I'm an ambivert lmfao that suffers from social anxiety if that makes sense.

  • I have anxiety. Minor social anxiety but massive amounts of general anxiety. I try to keep it under wraps cause I know people aren't into people with mental health issues.

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  • Former sufferer of social anxiety here! I still have my moments but I learned to manage it!

    Sorry I didn't answer the question.

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  • Because they're awkward and the conversation doesn't flow easily.

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  • It's kind of obvious isn't it?

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  • Because most suck at talking to begin with and need someone to lead.

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  • No idea. I have anxiety too :/

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  • You shouldn't have invited me 😨😨😨 you know I'm shy asf

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  • I have it bad so I think I'd need someone who can push me to talk more. but if I liked him a lot I'd date him.

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  • I think men find social anxiety a turn on in women

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  • Because, most girls expect a guy to be confident in himself. We want to feel safe and comfortable with him.

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What Guys Said 31

  • It's not a turn-off per se but the whole act of two humans bonding for whatever reason (friendship, romance) is a *social* affair.

    Someone who shies away from social situation is generally going to hinder their ability to participate in all of these things. They're going to be largely an outsider and spectator in such a case, not so much a participant.

    For guys especially, you tend to experience a world of difference in your ability to command wide female attention if you have the skills to get noticed and become popular in some way, elevating yourself in some form of social hierarchy. I used to have anxiety as well and got over it and it made such a world of difference. You could just have the traits that allow you to be popular among your friends or a leader in your workplace.

    All of this requires social skills. Leadership itself is a social skill and someone with anxiety here is generally going to be a timid follower or a non-participant (even working yourself towards the bottom of the social hierarchy or even outside of it completely). That tends to put you at a disadvantage in attracting women. Some kind of ability to rise in some type of social hierarchy seems important here.

    So much of it is social -- confidence is social, independence is something that can only generally be conveyed socially, leadership is a social quality, etc. You could be a star of some sort (star athlete, e. g.) and not be social and still get widely noticed and popular, but those are the rare exceptions where you might be able to attract a lot of females in spite of being anxious to interact with anyone.

    It's not necessarily that many girls won't want to date a guy with social anxiety but he'll rarely get his foot in the door in person to attract a girl in the first place unless the girl finds something really unique and attractive about him anyway and fixates on him. You don't get much of a choice in attracting women if you shy away from social settings.

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    • 3mo

      It's not just about women but also friends too. If you suffer from heavy social anxiety then you don't get to choose friends so much, more often at best friends choose you, and only the closest among them will make you really comfortable.

      If you can get over it and start developing those social qualities that attract people to you (both sexes), you can start choosing your own friends. You can have people wanting you to come very badly to their events, you can throw your own and everyone will want to go. You can really thrive and find your entire world changes, and you can find yourself doing better in the workplace, becoming a better team player, even rising to leadership positions.

      So much of the world operates in a social context, and anxiety here too often renders someone an outsider -- a spectator, a non-participant eager to join in but too afraid to do so.

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    • 3mo

      @bvictor [...] will generally understand a lot more about you and at least better understand how you think, feel, etc.

      Done right I think it can be more genuine and not so fake.

    • 3mo

      @bvictor The way I see it is like humans can only know each other through what they externally convey. No one can read our minds.

      If you are a very shy person with social anxiety, it tends to make you prone to be misunderstood by many.

      We'll always be misunderstood to some degree because no one can read our minds, but someone who isn't held back by that fear of interaction will generally at least be better understood.

      So I actually don't think social anxiety has to be a strong part of who you are, since I got over mine gradually over the years, and the more I got over it the more I felt better understood by those around me.

  • For me it is not a turn off in itself but the way she behaves because of it is a turn off. I don't mean when she is really nervous and shy. I mean when she just randomly flakes on plans, when she goes by how she feels that day, and when she just disappears for a long time with no warning.

    I have several freinds with social anxiety but it is when they act out of fear and break their word and flake that it is a turn off.

    For some extroverts their nervousness is a turn off because they thrive on having fun with people. If someone is scared in the group and not having fun then the group responds and tones things down for them. Which the extrovert does not enjoy doing.

    Would I date a girl with it sure but I'd ask her how can I help with her social anxiety before going any where public. Also a lot of people with SA enjoy doing active dates or hangouts. So they can get their minds off of it and so people are not just in a group talking.

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  • Its more of a turn off if a guy has it.

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    • 3mo

      I agree. My ex was extremely shy, I ended up being the tough and strong one, feeling manly and sht. not a pleasant experience at all

  • Usually because it's awkward talking to them at first. You want to have a good conversation when you meet them, but if they can barely put two words together or look you in the eyes, it can be quite off-putting.

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  • Because humans are social creatures and anyone who is anti-social obviously has something wrong with them.

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  • I think people often think the person wouldn't be fun to be around, which isn't necessarily true. The two people may get along great and the person with social anxiety may feel very comfortable to open. Some would feel uncomfortable if the other person is uncomfortable (they probably have some anxiety issues themselves).

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  • If you utilize a shred of empathy and imagined what it's like to try to talk to someone who's for some reason afraid of talking to you and avoids doing things just because they don't want to talk to others either and how much of a nuisance this is if for you "talking" is pretty much normative and default; then you'd see that it'd get on your nerves in 4 minutes

    I'm okay with awkward, I'm slightly awkward, but wow there are limits to it.

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  • Any social disfunction is going to limit your pool of viable women. Animals breed based on preferential traits, same with humans; however we screwed the pooch with the millennial generation that has convinced women that men are objects to be used for a momentary period of time until his type is out of style at which time she's replace him with the new model that's in.

    Social anxiety just makes it harder for you due to not wanting to be publicly shamed and always trying to read into what other people are thinking about you while they haven't even noticed that you're in the same room. Work on mindfulness and turn your social anxiety into self reflection.

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  • Because people assume (sometimes correctly assume I might add) that a person with SA will be high maintenance. My advice is to just tell the other person you are shy until they get to know you better. There is no reason to share that. With any luck your SA will improve and it won't even be an issue and you won't ever need to share it.

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  • Confidence is a huge part of turning women on. If you're nervous most of the time (and believe me, I was diagnosed with social anxiety myself - altough today Im mostly normal) you won't be able to turn her on.

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  • I have no clue *looks at shy self*.

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  • I am/was social anxious aswell. But I think I have managed to cure it for the most part. Do you have social anxiety/need help?

    Back to the question. I think it is a turn off, because you basically don't talk much and/or you behave awkward around others. People tend to feel uncomfortable if the other end is nervous/uncomfortable aswell. It doesn't really make them feel good, as opposed to a charming and happy shining person

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  • Only for men. Many sex workers who are socially arkward exist. They charge for their services and are socially lame.

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  • This is the reason I'm alone and depressed. Society draws me to feeling like I'm better off dead. Reading comments here make me feel sick

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    • 3mo

      Chill bro your not alone and depressed it's all in your mind. Society, culture and propaganda is making you feel that way.

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    • 3mo

      I dunno but why don't you try tackle the issue instead of giving up or go an get some form of treatment like cognitive behaviour therapy or something?

    • 3mo

      I mean look at your title, your emphasising your loneliness becuase you want relationship so badly. Not like there's anything wrong with been single since I've always been single but it's your reason behind it.

      Now I don't want to sound like a dickhead or asshole but your gonna have to man up, get your shit together and stop been a pussy becuase this world we live in is dog eat dog and it will eat you alive at any sign of weakness.

      An it's not just about women it's life in general am talking about. Humanity has no remorse for anybody so your going to have to train to become bullet proof and grab society by the balls.

      I learnt a lot from the red pill philosophy and believe it or not nobody gives a fuck about you. Women want those alpha males bro

  • I have social anxiety. I still manage to pull girls. Not sure what you are talking about.

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  • Women are always like this. Feminism is to blame for a lot of it and social conditioning. Don't listen to anyone telling you it is because of natural selection and eugenics because it isn't.

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  • Cause I hate pussies

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  • Because there is no connection. You can't even start a friendship let alone a romantic relationship with such a person.

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  • I wouldn't say it's a turn off, it's from what I've seen is that they feel like they're making you uncomfortable, the person can be difficult to talk to/get to know. And lots of people don't have patience

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  • Because it makes it much more difficult to talk to someone with social anxiety.

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  • I adore shy girls with PASSION

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  • they make so many situations awkward... that's why.

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  • Cause it gets old after a while

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  • Shows you don't have anything together. If you had it all planned out you wouldn't stress

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  • Because that means you boring!

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  • Every aspect of social life in the West has been invaded by women and feminist ideology. Lonliness and mental illness are an epidemic in all these feminist countries like Sweden, Denmark, US, UK, Canada etc.

    If men are constantly busy trying to impress women (see cool with the ladies) then there will perpetually be fights/animosity and people will ignore each other.

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  • Reading all of these comments... you know, guys? Fuck you!

    I have social anxiety, but I get shit done. I have a high paying job in sales, I talk WHEN I NEED TO TALK (even though I hate talking to people and I get nervous), I've been on dates with countless women and I still get laid.

    Again... I am really shy and quiet... but I still get what I want.

    You people have so many stupid misconceptions about socially awkward people. We aren't that bad. Get over yourselves.

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    • 3mo

      that is because you are fighting off your social anxiety. with time your brain will adapt to it and your social anxiety will be gone. this is the best way to go. no pills to help you temporarily.

  • I am not a social person, and it took me a long time to understand why social ability is so prized, but I finally got it.

    Evolutionarily speaking, the only way to get ahead and thereby provide for your children, especially after you died, was to leave them with a web of social connections that you can only create through social ability or intelligence.

    Now we can leave money, and we can get ahead through other means, like being an inventor, but historically there was no other way than being able to manipulate people.

    Women, evolutionarily speaking, want their children to survive and again evolutionarily speaking, choose men with the ability to help their children survive.

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  • Cause they're awkward

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