Men: How long should I wait before I mention my daughter has a disability?

I have recently stopped dating. Not due to my daughter's autism. But because I completely lack the desire right now to date.

However in the past, every time I have met a guy I always wonder when I should talk about my daughter's disability. Sometimes I mention it right away when I think the date is not going well anyhow and I feel that I will never hear from him again if I mention it (I'm usually right). Sometimes if I like the guy a lot right away, I will keep it to myself to feel him out.

I would like to know because eventually I will start dating again. And I think I should approach this more cautiously when I do.

  • Right away so I can get the hell out of there.
    21% (8)32% (21)28% (29)Vote
  • A certain number of dates.
    13% (5)28% (18)22% (23)Vote
  • Doesn't matter.
    16% (6)15% (10)16% (16)Vote
  • When you are ready for them to meet.
    50% (19)25% (16)34% (35)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Guy

  • To me it sounds like you are self prophesying - Dating not going well, you throw your daughter's autism in to kill date - Dating going well, hold it back.
    I would try and get out of that frame of mind by putting your daughters condition to the side. Treat any dating as normal, when do you normally raise you have children, things still going well, it is all about connection, question I would ask myself is do I trust this guy with information about my daughter.
    If you do, and he is happy to stay then great however if he leaves, he was not worthy of being a part of your life or your daughter's life.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • 1. Why tell a guy you are't really interested in? Is it to make him feel guitlty about it not going well or whatever?

    Anyway, main point. Why wase time ith a guy if it's going well only for him to not be able to handle it (or want to)? And that is entirely in his right to make that decision.
    At the moment you say to someone "I have a daughter" you should also say "I have an autistic daughter". But don't just leave it at that, fnish the sentence with "but she's good, and it isn't too full on" or whatever.

    A lot of people only know about all the bad sides and hardships of raising an autistic child. If you want someone to be interested in staying, make sure you don't leave it at just autism and let them know that your interested in dating and your own life too.

    But don't wait too long, don't make it seem like you're trying to hook them in and trick them, or don't waste everyone's time.

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    • 3mo

      To make them feel guilty no. I'm not even sure why someone would feel guilty for that. It's too get rid of a person I already don't like. It happens sometimes but not every time.

      I'm not very inclined to lie, though, about her autism and say "Oh it's not that bad" to get them to stay either though. I'd rather go out with someone who is interested no matter what.

    • 3mo

      I didn't mean it as a lie, I meant to say it if it is the truth. Talk to them about it, but don't make it sound worse. Or as others have suggested bring up autism first and talk about it. But tell them about the same time you have a daughter.

      And it could guilt some people because if they feel sorry for you they may not want to leave, I wasn't sure what your intentions were. But I can imagine it makes people leave faster.

    • 3mo

      Ahh, like out of pity not bounce right away. I didn't consider someone might do that actually.

      I don't usually try to make it sound terrible but I'm frank about it. I do have lots of videos on my phone maybe if I offered to let him view it they would see how she acts, etc.

      I'm generally private about her though and don't even share a photo.

What Guys Said 23

  • As someone who has dated single mothers it's not something I would expect to be told immediately. Maybe after learning some about your kid it can be worked into conversation... But don't wait until you're ready for them to meet. You don't want to spring it on them.

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    • 3mo

      Well I threw that option in there just because I really have no idea. I've actually never even let anybody meet her and I've been single for two years. But I always worry that I'm going to waste someone's time or my own if I wait to tell them.

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    • 3mo

      You're a better person than me. :-)

    • 3mo

      personally I'd mention it straight away when talking about the kids... you'll know from the off then whether he can't deal with the situation. I have an absolute passion for autistic children as it's part of my job working with autism. takes a special person so all credit to you! x

  • I have autism myself, so the best time is either when they go to meet your daughter or around the 2nd 3rd or 4th serious date. Now if the guy runs then he isn't a man, i understand if they would feel scared about at one point in time you may need them to help with her and he's nervous because he's never done it before but if he runs just because you have a kid or because she has autism in my books that is not a real man thats a child in adult clothes

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  • I'd talk about it soon after telling him you have a child. If the guys right for you he won't be scared off by it.

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  • id like to know immediately. if she waits till im catching feelings id find her deceitful.

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    • 3mo

      This is another reason I'm afraid to not tell right off the bat! I feel like I'm lying.

  • By the second date. Also, explain what it is and how she acts. Not every kid with it acts the same, and many people don't really know what it is all about.

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  • When you mention that you have a daughter you should mention it. With holding the information because you like the guy will only cause you more pain if he choses to not speak to you again.

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  • Tbh if a guy is seriously going to stop contacting you just because your daughter has autism and he's not going to love and accept her for who she is then then there's no relationship with any guy if you can't find a guy that has no problem with your daughter then you probably Shouldn't date im not saying that to be mean im saying it because i think you know im right good luck with everything ☺

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  • when the topic of kids come up, you NEED to mention it right away. Show them that you have nothing to hide. If it a deal-breaker for the guy, then be thankful it happen sooner than later. Don't waste your time or his time.

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  • This really depends on the guy, few men can handle it many can't. After getting a sense of the guy, ask him about his thoughts of autism. Then press him a little at a time. See if you can warm him up to the subject then the person. See if that works.

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  • I would say as soon as you mention you have a kid.

    "I have a daughter who has autism" done, he can take it or leave it.

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  • You word it like you or your daughter are the problem. That is not so. The small minded guys that are worried about social status have the problem. Maybe you have to look at rearranging your priority list as to who you date. Not changing it or lowering your standards just changing priorities a bit.

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  • Right away would be most palatable. Otherwise it could be seen or interpreted by the man as disingenuous.

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  • Most don't want to date single mothers to begin with. A child with
    a disability is a deal breaker for most men. In a perfect world, it wouldn't be. But as we know the world is far from perfect.

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  • I would say not immediately, but not too many dates away. Probably in the second or third.

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  • Do you just say "I have a daughter with autism" or do you explain what that means? There's autism leading to high ability in mathematics and awkward social interactions and there's autism requiring care all day.

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    • 3mo

      I just wait for a way to work it in usually. I don't usually explain how she functions until they ask more questions.

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    • 3mo

      I think if you mention this situation immediately making it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR YOU DAUGHTER IS YOUR FIRST PRIORITY AND ALWAYS WILL BE, potential partners might be put off. Not that they won't agree with you or not respect that, but they're likely to read it as "I'm second best at most." That's not what people want to hear on a date even if they know it's true and fair. I also wouldn't want to be subject to an interrogation about what I think of single mothers, autistic children and another unnecessary reminder that the child is the priority.

      I think he'll be more open to dating you if you wait for a few dates until there's specific interest beyond your appearance and some trust has been established.

    • 3mo

      That all makes sense and is helpful.

  • another option: love your daughter and put it up on your dating profiles online (so kind of right away). I don't want to show how much that sounds so insensitive to me that guys reject you because of your daughter. That's ridiculous. How is that going to affect them?

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  • Consider not dating. Just raise your daughter for now. Once she's an adult then you'll have done your part, your life can go on. For now, it's about her. Don't bring some strange guy into the picture.

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    • 3mo

      I don't date presently but that either means not dating for 13 years, at a minimum and possibly never. There is no guarantee she will ever be independent.

  • i wouldn't date u because your daughter has disability
    but because u have a daughter
    no offense

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  • C — there's no "lying" here; you've never said that your child was not disabled.

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  • I think many people aren't able to handle people, who need special treatment, correctly. So it's also a positive that these people say no before you invest more time in them

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  • When you are ready for them to meet.

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What Girls Said 2

  • On the first date so you can find out from jump street and not waste your time with males scared of a woman with "baggage." You could be home with your baby instead of being wooed by a dude that's going to run away anyway. When one sticks around you know he's at least worth the time and energy.

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  • you are very right, you should focus on your daughter first

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