Guys, How do I politely tell a guy I just want to date?

A few years ago I "hooked-up" with a friend, then later turned down another hookup with him because it wasn't going to become more than that... I'm a single mom, he said he doesn't take well to kids, he's a womanizer and I actually don't like hookups. Basically, we like each other but we have different objectives.

Fast forward to now. I just came out of a serious relationship. It ended 6 weeks ago so I'm far from over it, but I'm getting out and socializing again. This friend contacted me today and asked me out on a date.

So... he knows I don't do hookups, I know he doesn't want a relationship, and I'm not ready for either of those things right now anyway. How do I honestly tell him that I would like to go on dates with him but I don't want a hookup or a relationship? Lol

I know most of your answers will be "just tell him", but I'm hoping for suggestions on wording so I don't offend him or make him assume that by accepting his offer I'm now interested in hookups again. Or worse, make him think I'm "friend-zoning" him.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I have no idea why you would go with him if you don't want a relationship or a hook up so I don't think now would be a good time any way for you to go out since clearly your not ready for it. But maybe just tell him that your not interested in a hook up and right now your not ready for a relationship so you wouldn't mind going out on a date with him but you can't really promise it will be anything more for the time being. Something along those lines that way its straight forward enough that he won't misunderstand your intentions and still lets him know that your interested in him.

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    • 3mo

      "I have no idea why you would go with him if you don't want a relationship or a hook up"
      I'm not ready but he is a nice guy and we like each other's company

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    • 3mo

      Friendship, at least for now.
      I'm not stalling, I'm playing each day by ear. I'm not ready right now, and letting him know where I stand leaves him free to stick around or look elsewhere. No games.

    • 3mo

      Well I didn't mean stalling in a negative way if you tell them out right then every one knows where they stand and it would be his choice I just couldn't find a better word for it. Thanks for the MHO.

What Guys Said 19

  • So he doesn't take well to kids and he is a womanizer but you want to spend time with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not highlighting this because I am surprised, I am highlighting it so that guys take note of the choices women make.

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    • 3mo

      ... hence my choice not to hook up or have a relationship with him.
      What I choose isn't the choice all women make.
      So far I have 17 responses to my question, and only 5 people actually answered my question instead of saying some random unbased insult

  • No.

    You're being selfish.

    What's the point of a date without the possibility of hooking up or a relationship?

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    • 3mo

      Oh I don't know, basic human interaction with a nice person without jumping into something blindly?
      There's always a possibility. It's possible he also just wants to be casual. It's possible he's changed his mind about dating a mom. I don't know. My question wasn't whether or not I should, it was about how to go about communicating my intentions with him

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    • 3mo

      yeah...

      You may be right except for the small, inconvenient fact that almost every other guy here is saying that you're a time waster.

    • 3mo

      Likely in the same frame of mind you're in. If you continue to read there are guys who wrote sensible responses.
      Though it doesn't matter what I say, you'll find a negative aspect to it.

  • If you're both so badly matched for each other and don't want either to hook up or have a relationship, why do you want to go on a date with him in the first place?

    If subconciously part of you does want to hook up with him, go for it! Otherwise you should be honest that you just want to be friends, and don't make it a "date".

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  • So you want him as a friend but don't want him to know that. dating implies that something may come of it, which you clearly state you don't want. So just tell him you need him as a friend.

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    • 3mo

      I DO want him to know that. Which is why I asked for advice on how to say it

    • 3mo

      Say" I just got out of a relationship and am not ready to date anyone. But I would like to have a normal social life and get use to dating again when the time comes. I only see you as a good friend and would like to hangout with you sometime without an expectation of it leading anywhere."

    • 3mo

      Thank you very much

  • You just have to be honest: "I would enjoy spending time with you but I'm not interested in sex right now." Maybe he's ok with that, maybe he's not. You can't always get what you want.

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  • Well as far as the wording of your question, it would seem that you don't need any suggestions.. Once you eventually "just tell him", you will most likely not ever hear from him again.

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  • "but I don't want a hookup or a relationship?"
    So what do you wanna date him for then? To waste time?

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    • 3mo

      Because dates are nice. Who doesn't like dates?
      I like him, he likes me, we like hanging out. But we have different expectations. So for now, just a date

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    • 3mo

      @jman46241
      It would be a lead on if I had no intention of telling him how I felt about the situation. I like him enough that I would accept his offer to have a date. I care enough about him that I'm concerned about saying what I mean in the right way.

    • 3mo

      Fair enough and I believe at that time it would be appropriate to mention. Thank you for the reply.

  • So you just want to hang out? like two buddies doing stuff together? It sounds like you need friends of either gender. You're going the long way around in describing this.

    When you say date, there's an implication that someone is paying for someone else. If that's the case that's bull shit. You date people hoping it leads to sex, a relationship, marriage. You've clearly stated that's not happening.

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    • 3mo

      No one is paying for anything, he used the word "date", but we're going to just be hanging out and doing something together. I can't just assume I know what his intentions are, so I want to be equipped with a well-worded response if it comes up

    • 3mo

      Well if he used that word then you're right to be ready. Look like you're gonna' have to friend zone him.

  • Hum!.. Tell him!.. I like it you get me free meals and I laugh at your stupid jokes!.. Let's stick to it

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  • "Hey, you know I'm not looking for a hookup right? I would love to go out for dinner with you, but it'll be just that, dinner. If you're okay with it then let me know"

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  • Assuming you want sex with him, just tell him that you don't want anything romantic, but you need a fuck buddy for now.
    He can either accept or go away, the main thing is to be absolutely clear what your intentions are and ensure he understands.
    The same if there is no sex involved, say you just want to be good friends, but nothing more!

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  • you are just gonna use him and waste his time
    leave him alone go annoying someone else

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  • Why not just hang out with him as a friend. That's what it sounds like what you are looking for.

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  • Look. One way or another you gotta be honest. There's no special trick on telling him.

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  • I just want to date

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  • give him some clues, let him ask u out

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  • What do you want from the dates if not a hookup or relationship?

    If you're looking for a meal and conversation and nothing more, that's something friends do. Tell him that right now you just want to be friends with him. That is "friend-zoning" yes, but if you don't want a hookup or relationship with him, you've already done that.

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  • So you want him to wine and dine you, but you have no intention of putting out?

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    • 3mo

      Last I checked not all dates involved wining and dining, and I certainly don't feel an obligation to put out even if that was the case.

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    • 3mo

      All men aren't you, ass-hat.

    • 3mo

      Yes they are.

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