Interracial relationship: Mom doesn't approve... what to do?

I'm a girl, 22, and I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 months. I recently told my mom that I'm dating a guy of a different race. She went bananas. We didn't talk about it for a few weeks, hoping she'll take some time to process it. A few days ago she wanted to know more about him, and started telling me really bad stuff about his race. Just so you know, people from my race really don't like people from his race (and vice versa) and even feel threatened by them.

He's really a good person and his family is sweet.

I really wish she would stop worrying about me going out with him.
And I want to spend time and sleep at his place but I don't want my mom to be concerned (I'll have to tell her, because she'll be worried when she sees in the morning that I haven't returned home. If I say I'm sleeping at a friends' house she'll know I'm lying).

What should I do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your mom is racist just stop tuning your life because if other's people opinion if you love him stay with him it's "your life " not hers

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Most Helpful Girl

  • What pisses me off about this is that your mother and me are from the same generation. And she should know better than to act like this about race. We came from the same years of the 80s when interracial dating was making a breakthrough at being accepted - especially amongst celebrities, making it a bit easier (ie. Madonna). In the 90s that's when the big 'get over it' movement happened, and we really should have seen most of it end by now as far as interracial romance is concerned. I still see race-hating outside of relationships, but really, she's got no excuse.

    Here's the thing, you're not dating your mom, your boyfriend is not dating your mom, you're in a relationship with each other, and what YOU both think is what matters. Use this experience as a learning tool for her. The more you talk about how happy he's making you, and the more she sees him and realizes that he's not what she thinks, then little by little, you're both going to chip away at her ignorance. It happens all the time when people of my generation seem proud to tell others, "Hey my daughter is dating this [race] guy, and he is REALLY not what you think, he's different."

    One day you're going to find that your choices are based on what you know and it will have little to do with her influence anymore. That's when the kids turn in to adults and teach the older generation a thing or two and it freaks them out a bit.

    I too am in an interracial marriage, and my mother made jokes about my husband while we were dating behind his back to me, and after time, she quit doing it because he kept proving over and over without making it an issue that she was saying shit for no reason, so she was starting to look like an idiot over it.

    Your mom will decide sooner or later that it just isn't worth being racist about anymore if for nothing else, but the reason that she will tire looking like a fool.

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What Guys Said 46

  • I don't know yours or his races, but it doesn't matter. Every race has a lot of bad people doing terrible things. Does this make all of them are bad? Of course not. I'm not trying to put your mother down in any way, but she is ignorant to classify "ALL" of his race is bad. Ask her about all the bad people in your race. Why doesn't that mean you are all bed. She's very closed minded. She doesn't use common sense or logic. You are 22 years old. You can be honest and get moms opinion, but that doesn't mean you have to do what she says. If she will kick you out if you don't do what she wants, that puts a whole new perspective on it. Do what your heart is telling you.

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  • You're 22. Your mother's approval shouldn't be of concern at this age.

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  • You are 22, decide on your own. Just let her be mad, she' ll (hopefully) get over it. Just watch out that the dude is not using you.

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  • your mom sounds like a racist dickhead,
    follow your heart

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  • Love doesn't have to be restricted to ones own race. You are a 22 year old adult who has complete control over who she chooses to date, your mom really has no say. Sure she may try to guide you and you can listen to her guidance or not but in the end who you are with is your decision to make. I find people that are against interracial couples really annoying, I mean someone doesn't have to be your same skin color for you to like them, its the person inside not the color of your skin that matters.

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    • 2mo

      It's not the color of the skin she's scared of, it's the culture

    • 2mo

      It sounds to me like your mothers disapproval is directly related to the boyfriends race: "I recently told my mom that I'm dating a guy of a different race. She went bananas." Without even meeting the guy she automatically assumed he was bad based of the race. Just because the boyfriend has the same skin color doesn't mean he's like others that the your mom has met, she needs to meet him first and give him a chance before making judgements. That's the way she will come to accept him is by meeting him and him proving her judgements wrong.

  • You're an adult and you can be with anyone you want. If your mom truly loves you she would want you to be happy and if he makes you happy than she must realize that sooner or later

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    • 2mo

      That is a very immature position you have.

      If her mother truly loves her, then her concern is for her well-being, not her happiness. Happiness is fleeting and it is not created by the person one is with.

  • Your mom has no say in your relationship! Ignore her.

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  • It's your relationship, not hers. She'll have to accept your decision and she will if you continue with your boyfriend and when she gets to know him with the time... I hope.

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  • You don't say what races are involved, because that can matter. If you are Chinese and he is black, then there probably isn't much that could be done.

    Your mother's talk of "really bad stuff about his race" may be generally true. For example, over 50% of murderers in the US are black and close to 80% of criminals in prison are black. There is also some truth to observing that Mexican Hispanics have the "raisin's" mentality and that Middle Eastern Moslems want to kill Christians. But that doesn't necessarily apply to an individual and many of those individuals of that race despise those who have bad behavior.

    How you overcome your mother's preconceived notions is to have him demonstrate that he has more in common with your family than the typical person of his own race. That must include not associating with those bad apples.

    My next door neighbors are high income blacks. They have more in common with me than the median black.

    You need to be careful too, because you may be blinded. Stereotypes exist because there is a segment of the group for which it is true. You need to keep your eyes open and be objective.

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    • 2mo

      quite possible those people are murderers because of people like you..

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    • 2mo

      Your facts are basically right, liberals won't like it.

      You forgot that by year 11 almost 100% of white women marriages to black men have been dissolved and she is raised the child by herself

      Fact dont lie, regardless of what "feels good"

    • 2mo

      Yet serial killers dont always get caught... plus some men have been wrongfully incarcerated! Statistics aren't always accurate esp when the sample it's coming from has a certain population trend

  • Has she actually met the guy? His family?

    In fairness, I have known White and Asian parents of daughters who objected to Black boyfriends *not necessarily* because of the race, but rather they thought the boyfriend was or could be of "ghetto" or "trash" culture.

    Or, it may just be that your parents are awfully prejudiced. :-(

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  • Sorry for the disrespect in advance but fuck your mom. If you really care about this guy then you gotta fight for him. If it was another problem I wouldn't besaying this rightaway, but since your mom is a racist, you either fight that in her or you comply and essentially validate her prejudice.

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  • Tell your mom to stop being such a narrow-minded racist. It's fucking 2016 for God's sake.

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  • I don't like ur mum. u probably don't care but ye

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  • You're 22, You're an adult and have been for 4 years, Your mom has no say, and no right to say anything about your relationships. Date whom you want, if your mom doesn't/cant accept it, then you know how she truly feels about you.

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  • I you're really 22 then you're an adult. Act like one.

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  • Well, family shall never have final say on who you love. If parents don't agree, then they just don't, and never will. Who are an adult, and the beauty of that is being able to love whoever the hell you want to love. Who gives a fuck about what other people think about your love interest? It's your love interest, not theirs. You decide what is right for you.

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  • You can tell your mom that is racist, and he's a good guy.

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  • You pick between the relationship and your family. But I think you probably already made that choice since I can't imagine that you didn't know about how your mom felt but you still went for it with the guy.

    Honestly if there is one race that your mom doesn't like and you end up with a guy of that race, you can call it a coincidence but most likely its not.

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    • 2mo

      I knew she would be surprised, but I honestly didn't expect this kind of reaction and thought she would be happy for me.

    • 2mo

      Well I'd suggest first trying to understand why she feels that way, then go and talk to him about it and explain how you feel. I don't know how strict your family is about stuff like this or how close you are so I can't give specific advice.

      If she can learn to accept it, then that's good. But if she can't you might unfortunately have to decide which is more important to you, your family or your relationship.

  • racism is one of the most types of discrimination , i guess u have to ride your life and tell your mom that she is having a very old fashiond and wrong position , cause in my opinion there is not another way to change minds

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  • Do understand that they are not 100% wrong, The probability seems low for them to have zero legitimacy to what they are saying

    What may seem good now may later change and it happens a lot. Religion, culture and allegiance to a country have massive influences on people

    Just take it slow for now, neutralize the situation. Its not the time to rock the boat. Play it cool, see him, keep it discrete... and when things seem to cool off tackle the situation again.

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  • What race are you and him?

    I say two months is too short for these things.

    Keep your mum happy.

    But get to know the guy slowly. You don't want the guy leaving you and you having ruined your relationship with your mother.

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  • Operative word being 'threatened' - she is for some reason afraid. Quite possibly the same reason you find them interesting - there seems to be a family issue with race there...
    You can always shock her into acceptance by saying you could date two guys from that same race at once - so dating just one is really a good deal :-)

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  • Truthfully, you do rick losing your mother forever if you continue with him. I have known 2 people that made that decision. One of them it has been 8 years since she has seen her parents.

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    • 3mo

      She said she'll always love me and support me etc., but I don't mind not seeing her, she always judges me and never let good things happen to me. We've never been that close anyway.

  • Explain more about him
    You can't do much
    Plus it'll take time cause mentality don't change that easy

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  • I am with your mother. Stay within your own race.
    The races are not the same under the skin.

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    • 3mo

      No shit, plus you make it harder if you have a kid that's mixed race to find a mate.

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    • 2mo

      Thank you, people talk about how we have problems and identity issues when they're the ones causing those problems. I nor any other mixed person I have ever met has had an issue with who they were until someone tried to make it an issue. Non mixed people who are raised to think racial mixing is a bad thing need to learn that it's not. We're the same as everyone else.

    • 2mo

      "You have been deprived of a racial identity, so are neither one race, nor the other."

      Hold on, so what if you're ethnically mixed? Let's say half German, half Dutch. Doesn't that mean you've been stripped of your identity as well? Why is it that race is so different?

      I'm sure you would make the argument that if you're ethnically mixed, but still of the same race, then you can still identify with both of your ethnicities. Well how come you can't identify with both of your races if you're mixed race?

  • Well you are 22 so you can do whatever you want, technically

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  • Ignore her, for the time being don't talk about this... and say that you're sleeping at a friend's place and tell that friend to call your mom to assure her that you are. I'm sure you have friends to help you with that. What is your race? What is your boyfriend's race?

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    • 2mo

      Lol it's so funny that guys are upvoting those who agree with your mom and girls are upvoting those who disagree with your mom

  • Well do a back ground check on him, if he's getto or thuggish i understand where she coming from. She (your mom) want to make sure your dating a man that you and her can provide for you. And not a guy who has felonies and can't give you the future you deserved. She (your mom) just wants the best for you and her future grandchildren, your mom just wants her daughter and grandkids not visting their father in jail or prison for half of your life and theirs.

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  • Get a place of your own. You are a bit old to have mommy doing bed check.

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  • get a new boyfriend, there are many fish in the sea. This never ends well. How many interracial couples can you find say 50 years old that rasied kids and stayed together where the man supported the wife and kids and hug in there.

    Not very many

    Your mom is right, listen to her

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    • 2mo

      I can say that every single interracial couple I've ever known has, actually. Dozens of them, including my own parents, both my siblings and their spouses, several aunts and uncles and their spouses, and a decent number of friends. Get over your baseless bigotry and prejudice, and take a look for yourself instead of making false assumptions. She'll do just fine with the guy- race doesn't have jack-shit to do with it.

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    • 2mo

      You know, you're actually vocally arguing with a liberal extremist mindset. All that matters to you are your own personal liberties, to say what you want, do what you want and treat other people however you like. That's libertarianism, and you, sir, are a libertarian. Get over yourself.

    • 2mo

      @SinghSong I dont totally disagree with that. Good day

  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 40

  • Talk to your mother. Ask her what she doesn't like. Introduce your boyfriend to him. Show her what you like in him. Try to make her see it.
    Now, this is going to get me downvotes...
    If she doesn't see it, keep this in mind. There are about 3+ billion guys in this world. You have only one mother. Even if she's close minded and racist, she still loves you more then most any guy will. I would choose her if it came down to it.

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  • My sister has been dating a white man for about 10 years. They met through old classic Yahoo chat rooms and ever since, they fell in love. They went strong and had some ups and downs, but I can honestly tell he was made specifically for her.

    His side of the family was NOT very pleasant, especially since they are from Mississippi if that counts. His grandfather would refer to my sister as "It" or "Black girl". His grandmother said they both were going to hell for being together. His father was always racist, often blurting out the N word around the house. His friends encouraged him to cheat on her. I mean his side of town was just really bad. But they kept dating, and he always defended her and was never ashamed of her. They were adults and they chose to live their lives according to their desire, no matter the rejections, damnation, judgement or stares they got.

    After dating for a few years, his father finally came around and loves my sister a lot. In fact, many of his family members came around, especially after realizing how much she's helped him and the sacrifices my sister has done for him.

    Sometimes it takes time for family to come around. It's sad and pathetic, but sometimes when you're determined, know what you want, and have made up your mind, your family has no choice but to come around.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't consider the opinions of your family, but if it's solely about race as to why she objects, that doesn't count for anything. She needs more than that.

    If she can't get past it, stop talking to her about it. Refuse to bring it up as a subject until she can respect your decision.

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    • 2mo

      I'm happy for your sister. I hope mine will come around too

  • Rise above! That's all I can advise. Racism is espoused by the narrow-minded, the hateful, and the uneducated. Just because it's passed down from one generation to the next doesn't mean it's right. Be the one that breaks that pattern. Choose the man who makes you happy. Hopefully your family will come around.

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  • you're an adult and it's your life.. she's just one of the closed minded people who can't understand how they'd feel if they were judged because of race.. I know because I belong to such family.. but you live only once and you deserve to spend it with the one you love..

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  • Well I believe that your boyfriend needs to step up and go to meet your mother and then let her see for herself before she goes around judging people. It shouldn't even be called interracial, it should be called intercultural. We are all human and part of the human race. He is not an alien or some animal in the street. Human is human. The choice is up to the both of you, but at the same time respect your mother and likewise for him to do the same. He has to prove himself worthy of dating you to your mother. And to be honest, sleeping at his pace is too fast and too sudden. I can see why your mother would be deeply concerned. Ask her if he can grant an audience with her. That is the most respectful thing to do.

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    • 3mo

      Clearly, you did not study biology, history, or anatomy.
      There are big physical and intellectual differences between the races.

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    • 3mo

      To recognised the published science and the self-evident differences between the races does not mean that there is automatic hate. That is a Pavlovian association response that you have.
      I want everyone to be happy and do well, independently, in their own lands.

    • 3mo

      *been conditioned to have.

  • Follow your bliss. You're 22, your mom no longer gets the final say.

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  • So I'm guessing you're white and he's black? If so I'm n the exact same situation though I've been dating my guy for 5 years and my dad is the main one with the problem of me being with him going even so far as to threaten me to try and keep me from him. My advice, u r an adult if u wanna b with him b with him. Your mom's prejudice shouldn't stop that, but do your best to show and reassure her he's a good man

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  • I'm really sorry to hear that in 2016 there are still people who are not accepting of certain races... It shouldn't be an issue at all. What should matter is if he is a good person, treats you right, makes you happy and is a trust worthy person.

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  • Your mom is a racist POS. Does her opinion really matter, like at all?

    Who gives a care what she thinks, your mom is scum.

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  • No one can stop you guys from dating. Stand up and don't let her interfere with your preference.

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  • I know how even as an adult it can feel like your mother's opinion seriously matters in your life, but she really has no right to a hold on you anymore.

    At any rate, this is the 21st century and everyone should be allowed to date anyone they like.

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  • I think you should do what makes you happy. Let people advise you but dont let them choose for you.. Do u n dnt b apologetic about it

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  • tell her to go fuck herself and do what you want

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    • 3mo

      I don't wanna give her a heart attack...

    • 3mo

      Hey it might not occur to you but some people like to keep a good relationship with their family.

      Especially someone who gave birth

    • 2mo

      @yucel_eden whatever my mom gave birth to me and she's a crack head prostitute cunt who can burn in hell.

  • You're an adult. Your mom no longer decides what you do.

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  • You're 22 just do what you want.

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  • Stop being a mamas girl

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  • Keep dating the guy. Don't let your mother come in between your relationship. He is dating you, not your mother. I believe interracial relationships are beatiful. Don't be ignorant, and limit yourself to dating within your race. There is beauty in every race. If you want to date an Asian go for it, and if he is black who cares? Try it for yourself. If you are happy then do what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating. Only people who are blinded by social norms care. We all bleed the same. What is the problem? Love has no true color.

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  • It's your life, your mom should mind her own business.

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  • Your mom is a racist and tell her to back off

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  • If you like him, it does not matter what your mom thinks. Just be happy with yourself.

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  • You can make your own decisions. Plus it's 2016.

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  • Its her problem... you can't let her dictate what man you should date just because he's not the same race. Tell her people probably say horrible things and stereotypes about your race and how it makes her feel? She would most likely feel offended and say its not true.. then you tell her that everything she saying about his race.. is not true either. You're 22 years old.. you can any type of man you want..

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  • hun , its your decision on who you want to be with and who you love. but mom has to protect you as you the daughter. she wants to make you happy & being protected in your life , but in my perspective ask her questions like? why you don't approve? be honest and then explain your side of the story. don't lie to mom she will find out if you lie they are smart

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  • You are an adult, you can do whatever you want

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  • Why you care what your mom thinks? You're an adult. You're dating your boyfriend not your mom.

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  • I agree with her. Keep it in your own race.

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  • Fuck that mom's logic. It's not because a few Muslims blow themselves up, that all Muslims are going to be ticking time bombs.

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  • You're over 18 right?

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  • I'm surprised, you don't think this racist or even defending him. If his mother was going crazy because of your race I think you would like him to be step up for him.

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  • Just give her time and she'll get used to it, if you introduce them and they get along she'll see her ideas are silly.
    DO NOT Start lying to her and sneaking around though, that will turn her yet more against him and his race.

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