What do you think of this guy's behavior?

Please bear with the long story.

He identifies as polyamorous, meaning he can fall in love with multiple people without each love meaning less than if it was the only one.

He was in a ltr with a monoamorous girl, after 3/4 of a year he fell for a guy and she fell for a girl and they decided to open up together. That girl was me. I went on one date with her but didn't feel like more than friends although we had fun, so we continued as friends.

Then, the main guy and I got closer, he asked me out, he was sweet and all was good despite me not believing in poly and therefore not being sure about getting more serious.
His girlfriend got jealous because she still had feelings for me and said she only originally accepted it because of me. I took some distance until she said I could date him if I wanted to.

So we (him and me) dated a bit more, but I was unhappy because I wanted him all for myself and was scared of hurting the other girl, so I broke up with him. A few days after he'd said 'I love you'...

A week later he came over to talk and said he was willing to try monogamy with me. He'd already discussed it with his girlfriend, who he'd be breaking up with (he already stopped dating the other guy for other reasons). I wanted it, but not enough to let him hurt her like that, so I said no. We talked it over and he called me too noble.

He then went back to his gf's place and after talking it over they decided to stay together. The next day I saw her and she was happy and despite the fact it was still hurting badly, her happiness was enough to make me sure of my decision.

Did I handle it well? I still feel a bit shattered and now know where the term 'a broken heart' comes from. I'm still in love.
What do you think of his behavior? I feel like my judgement is clouded.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Man, that is one extremely complicated love triangle. I think you handled it almost perfectly. Since he identifies as polyamorous and you are strictly monoamorous, there is a inherit incompatibility there. Chances are he would fall for someone else too later down the line, which would inevitably hurt you. Furthermore, I think it is very good of you that you did not accept his idea of going monoamorous with you in order to prevent hurting the other girl. That was definitely the right thing to do.

    While you may feel shattered now, it would have been much worse if you had dived right in a relationship with him.
    I personally don't get people who claim to be polyamorous. Sure, you can be attracted to or even fall for someone else than your partner, but why would you also start a relationship with them? It really seems like a blatant lack of respect for your current partner; as if she alone is not good enough for you. I highly dislike that.

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    • 2mo

      I feel like I did the right thing too, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

      I do get polyamory and know people for who it works, but trying to be poly with mono people is like trying to make someone gay/straight, same for the other way around. Open relations I'm comfortable with, but this wasn't for me. Now I feel a mixture of loss and loneliness and sadness and I don't know who I could talk to who will really understand...

      I also have some trouble understanding who his girlfriend still wants to be with him. He made her second choice by wanting to break up with her and not doing it only because I said no. I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship like that.

What Girls Said 1

  • That's very complicated. I do not think you handled it well. You made the guy accept to be in an exclusive relationship with you, but he sounds like the person who could develop feelings for many people. So what are you going to do if he develops feelings for someone else?

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    • 2mo

      That's part of why I said no. I didn't ask him to do that, I had already sort of accepted it wouldn't work out so I stopped it sooner instead of later. But he keeps being his foolish, sweet, funny self and I can't keep away from him.

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