Will these qualities make it hard for me to find someone?

I've had a hard time finding someone I connect and want to be in a relationship with. I'm starting to realize that it may be me and some of my not so favorable qualities. Here are some of them:

- I speak my mind. I don't hold back if something is bothering me or if I don't like something.

- I don't sugarcoat. People can miss what you're saying if you're not direct.

- I'm not very affectionate. I don't like PDA. I'll hold hands but hugging and kissing in front of people creeps me out. When I get home I like to relax after the day is over. I love the company but I don't want someone all over me before I can unwind. After that I'll be more receptive.

- I won't be sure I like you after hanging a few times. I need to get to know someone before I can decide I like them. I don't want my feelings to be clouded with lust and once it fades I'm disappointed the more I learn about the person.

- I don't change for anyone. Yeah if I was an asshole or doing things that negatively impact my life. But I love who I am and I shouldn't have to change any part of myself just to please someone.

- I don't think I need to be with the person everyday. I like having days by myself or with my friends and family. Just because we're dating doesn't mean the other people in my life lose out time with me. I'm a strong believer that it's not hard to make time for everyone, you just have to WANT to make time.

- If someone is angry with me I won't push them to talk to me. Instead I give them space. I only approach when things have calmed down and we can have a conversation. Sometimes that means we'll go days without talking. I don't like someone yelling at me or screaming matches.

- I'm 21. I want to be completely independent, done with college and have a job before I think about getting married or having children. I want to know I can support myself before I can do that with anyone else.

I don't think there's something wrong with me but I'm starting to feel I'm turning people off.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Not very affectionate is a deal breaker for me. I want to feel desired. Lack of affection usually translates into lack of desire and lack of care.
    You not pushing people to talk to you might be wise most of the time, but sometimes I'd love if someone actively wanted to talk to me about how bad we left things. It would make me think they care.
    Getting to know the person is a great idea - I try my best to do the same. Still, how disapointed are you as you get to know a potential date isn't what you expected?
    You speak your mind. How brutal are you? No joke, some people are straight up savage when telling the truth. If that's the cass then it would be a deal breaker for me.

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    • 2mo

      I've had a lot of people tell me I'm terrible when it comes to affection. It's something I know I need to work on but as of right now it's hard because it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, especially when I'm just getting to know someone.

      That's a good point. Not talking to the person could seem uncaring. I guess I would want to try to talk when they aren't super angry.

      I've been very disappointed in the past, but who hasn't? It was because I got too excited for the new person that I wasn't thinking clearly and didn't take the time to assess the situation. Then I got really hurt when the bad stuff happened. Now I take a more cautious and safe approach when I meet someone new because I don't want to put myself in that position again.

      I like to keep things as honest as possible legal but I'm never mean about it. That's not fair. You can be honest about things without attacking the other person or making them feel terrible.

    • 2mo

      You dont have to explain yourself that much. All Im trying to say is: be affectionate, otherwise you'll seem uninterested and cold. Let the dust settle, but dont distance yourself so much that you're seen as uncaring. And dont forget: you dont need to be too emotionally invested to meet a good person, but blocking any feelings towards someone will consolidate the idea of a cold and uncaring person. You gotta convey interest and care, otherwise men are gonna get out as soon as possible, because at some point they'll realize you dont want them, you just used them some times and that may not be what they wanted at all.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't listen to that idiot below; I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. You're self-assured, confident, sensibly cautious and you know what you want. There's nothing wrong with that AT ALL and that does NOT make you frigid. Believe me. Don't ever change who you are just to please others or some guy. If no guy can accept that, then he's simply not the one for you.

    The reason I say all this, is because I'm very similar. What I've discovered, is that its good to have a guy who understands and respects who you are, and is quite similar; as in, they're self-assured enough to know you like them. The best relationships are when you slowly get to know another person. The guy will begin to understand the way you show affection, assuring them that you like them and vice versa. When you are in a relationship, you learn to compromise and take an interest in what they enjoy; if they like bikes, you don't have all of a sudden become passionate about them.

    Anyway, to summarise, you have your head screwed on. Don't change for anyone.

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    • 2mo

      So far this is one of the best answers along with the others. I don't think I'm a bitch or anything, because I do love people and I want to love a guy. Those are just some things about me.

What Guys Said 17

  • I shall be upfront and honest with you in my assessment and just affirm I believe you are on the right path with your thoughts. You feel you are turning people off by your beliefs and standards, and I would have to agree with you. What you're subscribing to as part of your nature and personality, is harsher than what the typical male is going to expect from you, and in doing so, it is going to turn them off towards you and make you a less than desirable mate, lover, partner, girlfriend---et cetera.

    Granted, as you say, you love who you are and you have no desire it appears to adjust your way of behavior, and that's fine, if this is what you truly believe and desire. Only I suggest you prepare yourself for the raw truth you're going to have a more difficult time finding someone to build that life-bond with; someone to spend the rest of your life with and perhaps build a family together, if you stay the course you're on.

    Again, this is my own personal view. You should follow what your heart desires and be true to yourself. Otherwise it is just a lie, but who knows, perhaps in time you might see clear to follow a different course; one never knows what the future may hold and each choice we make changes the outcome of who and what we are. In the end we need to do what is going to make us the happiest and what allows us to look ourselves in the mirror and be happy with what we see staring back. And that's my bottom line.

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    • 2mo

      I want to find that person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and I can see how I need to work on some things. But other things, like how I'm waiting until I have my life together to consider marriage or how I love who I am and wouldn't want to change, I don't think I would need change those to find someone.

      It sucks knowing that it's going to be hard to find someone without changing things, especially since I've had a struggle accepting who I am.

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    • 2mo

      Ah that makes sense.

    • 2mo

      Thank you...

  • I'm pretty similar and I think it does turn most people off, no matter the gender. But you sound like a mature and reasonable person, and that is definitely more important than being in a relationship. You have your priorities right. I think two people with those characteristics would actually be a good match, but it will be hard for them to find each other because they are so rare. But I also think it would be worth the time and effort.

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  • Your personality will definitely put off a decent amount of men, but thats completely fine in my opinion. A lot of us guys have problems trying to socialize with women that have strong personalities, and that stems a lot from our culture and upbringing.

    While many of us might bristle at a strong woman, some of us have been raised by single moms, or by a family where the matron wasn't a passive presence in the home - so we have an understanding that women can speak their mind just like any other human being.

    Your personality is a filter that just presorts the guys you meet, and it will save you time in the long run.

    There are men out there that love an opinionated and honest partner. It just takes a little more time to find them.

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  • I don't see a problem with any of that unless you are putting others before your partner the majority of times. Most people think a relationship is 50/50 but it's not.

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    • 2mo

      Yeah. I know that's a no-no for sure. I just like making sure I have time for everyone important in my life.

  • I don't really see any of these as red flags for a relationship. You being yourself does not make you undateable. There is someone for everyone as they say. You are still pretty young so just be patient and the right guy will appear.

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  • You don't need a relationship. You need friends with benefits. It's what you have described to a tee. Someone there when you need or want them but not someone that is trying to build a life with you because you like your life and have no intention of changing. It's not a bad thing, in fact it shows you are a strong independent woman that doesn't need to define herself by the man she is with.

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  • You seem to be quite happy the way you are and in the lifestyle that is comfortable for you. Why muck it all up with some stinky-bum sitting in your most favorite relaxing chair? I don't see you in a loving relationship the way you conduct yourself now. Maybe later, maybe never. Nothing wrong with you as you are, as long as you are happy being the independent you.

    Just my opinion

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    • 2mo

      You can't be independent and in a long relationship?

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    • 2mo

      Of course, you can be independent in a loving relationship, but you also have to be "giving" in a loving relationship. I see you giving only when it suits your level of satisfaction. I could be dead wrong and hope I am but I sadly think I am not.

    • 2mo

      Well what would I give? Tbh I get confused when people say I don't give what I get and I don't understand.

  • The only turn off is that you're not affectionate... and that's a big one for me :/
    Besides that, I don't see a problem.

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    • 2mo

      That's understandable and it's something I can work on.

  • Maybe let it slack a little on the holding hands and kissing stuff just make sure they are aware of the situation. Cause if you dont hold hands at least occasionally now you just look like acquaintances who are just hooking up for a one night stand.

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    • 2mo

      Yeah that makes sense. I don't mind holding hands, just hardcore makes me feel weird. I don't like people staring.

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    • 2mo

      The guy doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's doing those things in front of other people that makes me uncomfortable. I like to kiss and hug without people staring at us. When people stare I get very uncomfortable and can't focus.

    • 2mo

      Sometimes you gotta roll with stuff just remind him that your not here to make others jealous.

      If he gets too physical give him a peck and just get him to chase you. Then tell him if you want to make a fool of me then I will make you look just as funny.

  • Well the only ones that stand out to me is that I would want an affectionate girl, and also to spend as much time as possible with her.

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    • 2mo

      I could work on the affectionate part for sure. But I would want to split my time equally between partner, family and friends. I've been neglected my some friends and family when they get into relationships and tbh it sucks. I wouldn't want to make anyone feel that way.

    • 2mo

      That's understandable, I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic to really split time equally. Time with family and friends is fine, but time with my partner would be special.
      But what you've said is very selfless and considerate, you seem like a much more balanced person than myself. Good luck 😊

    • 2mo

      Lol thank you

  • to some people your are cold detached...
    in simple terms an emotionaless bitch

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  • Well that's alright... I have same things like you...
    Last time, my ex broke up and she even told me the similar like you actually most like you. And finally, the relation ended. It's not her fault or mine. It's just that the people don't completely understand you. If someone really wants a relation with you then one should respect your likes and dislikes and even the factors that influence you.

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  • Honestly yes, will a guy like you? Probably. Will many? Probably not.

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    • 2mo

      And that's fine really.

  • This would be a post that I wish wasn't anon

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  • Only thing I don't like is that you aren't very affectionate but the no PDA is okay.

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    • 2mo

      Yeah I get that. And it's something I could work on.

    • 2mo

      Ya I mean of. ofcourse you can, other than that you seem like the type a lot of guys would want. You had things about you I like so I'm sure you'll be okay. Good luck!

    • 2mo

      Thank you!

  • depends on your circle and the other person. I would say, for about 60% of the males you will have lower chances, but there are also about 10% where you will have higher chances because thy like a girl who has her own opinion and tells it straight away and have no problem with self consiousness

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  • You seem like a frigid bitch. No guy is going to sign up for your insanity.

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    • 2mo

      Why frigid?

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    • 2mo

      Okay.

    • 2mo

      Okay. Lol.

What Girls Said 1

  • Yes. You sound hard and unbending as though you have the right to say exactly what you want when you want to; you sound like it's all my way or the high way; you sound like you would be constantly challenging which is draining both physically and mentally.

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    • 2mo

      Interesting. Didn't think I was coming off like that. How can I change that without becoming weak or having to do unnecessary things I don't like?

    • 2mo

      You don't sound like you'd be much fun tbh so you need to take a more relaxed approach to getting to know someone. You can still be yourself and keep to your values and morals but take a step towards meeting someone half way by accepting they have opinions, values and morals themselves. Its a 50:50 approach because its about two people together, not one person getting everything their own way because they don't like bending.

    • 2mo

      I'm pretty fun. I love going out and doing new things, those qualities don't affect that. And I don't believe in getting my way, that's just not possible.

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