How to suggest going dutch before a date?

Hi everyone,

Last week I went on a date with a girl and it seemed to go real well. We really hit it off and all and we spent the evening at a local seafood restaurant. Here's the problem, she gave me her number without me asking and texted me the next day saying that she actually had a boyfriend. Essentially she used me for a free meal.

I have another date with a girl I met on okcupid, scheduled for Sunday but I just don't think it's a good idea to pay for random girls' food anymore because I don't want to waste money and get stuck in this sort of humiliating situation again.

How do I suggest to this girl that we are going dutch without coming across as a jerk but also without coming across as an ass kisser?

Any thoughts?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Just do cheap dates like coffee, or free like a walk in the park!

    And that girl makes me mad!😡 I'm sorry she did that :(

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    • 2mo

      It's kind of sad because she ruins the image of genuine girls out there. maybe that's why you see so many guys refusing to pay for food on gag

      You seem like a genuine girl hehe

    • 2mo

      Aww, thanks :)

What Girls Said 8

  • You're gonna sound extremely cheap if you suggest it ahead of time, so don't do it. If you don't like humiliating situations, there's nothing more humiliating then asking about who's gonna pay for a date three days before a date. Maybe just go to a cheaper place you don't have to go to an expensive seafood restaurant on the first date.

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    • 2mo

      ok. I was suggesting going to no restaurant but she said something about ice cream or something

    • 2mo

      Then go to an ice cream restaurant. She's not gonna get something more then for $5 bucks.

  • Just don't invite them for dinner in the first place, then when you meet up you can still suggest going for food if that's really want you wanna do so as long as you don't 'Invite' them they can't expect you to pay.

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  • Why don't you just go for coffee? It's completely acceptable and not too expensive.

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    • 2mo

      To be honest that's my plan... and i can "escape" if the date doesn't go well

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    • 2mo

      You would not believe how much "silliness" you are avoiding by doing so haha

    • 2mo

      Well, I like my Starbucks a certain way (picky) and I don't want to put someone through that (it's really not that bad but it's not just a cup of black coffee) so I show up and get my own so I'm not a pain in the ass. I save the pain in the ass stuff for later when I know someone better. Haha!

  • Simply, you dont. If you can't aford pay the whole bill, take her out to do something that won't cost you anything (a walk or something).

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  • Just be semi honest, for example, hey I'm on a bit of a tight budget this month coz I have the car insurance to pay. I think you should pay for your own meal. Or else... Find a free date and if she gets hungry, it's her problem not yours.

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  • What is going dutch?

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    • 2mo

      Each person pays for their own food

    • 2mo

      Really? I've never heard of it.. Coming from a dutch person, that means a lot! I guess we live up to the name of being cheapskates..

  • Go somewhere cheaper? And ask it on the date. Before hand sounds like your more concerned about money than the experience. But if they get offende/ annoyed by asking then clearly they aren't worth your time

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  • Get coffee, or drinks or something instead. Then you can avoid the whole thing entirely. It's a first date. It shouldn't be expensive.

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What Guys Said 13

  • I've never had it happen, but I also plan date in such a way that it would be almost impossible to happen.

    Grab coffee and chat. 90-120 minutes. $3 to $5.
    Go for a walk and stop by somewhere for a snack, such as a chocolate shop or ice cream. 30-60 minutes. $5 to $10.
    Go for a drive, do some fun activity. 60-120 minutes. $0 to $10.

    That should be anywhere from 3-4 hours and $10-20, and you should know if you like her enough to spend money on dinner and if you do you'd have kissed her by now. Then you can take her out for a late dinner and some drinks, chat some more, make out some more, and be confident she's calling you for a second date.

    If the woman has made it to this point and she's faking her interest in you just for a free meal, then either you're a complete idiot to not notice or she's an even better liar than Hilary Clinton.

    Either way, you should not be spending much money on a first date, or really any date ever except on special occasions like your wedding anniversary or something like that. Women don't care how much money you spend, in fact, most women will feel awkward if you spend a lot of money, especially on dates before you're an official couple. As they saying goes, girls just want to have fun. If she's hungry, buy yourselves a $5 snack, not a $50 meal.

    I bet most women have been on at least one date with a guy where the date has gone terrible and was no fun, but the guy goes for a kiss anyway because he wants something for all the money he spent. You don't want her to have any reason to think you're that guy. Be the guy that she knows if you kiss her, that you kissed her because you like her and because you can tell she likes you too. Having fun, laughing, teasing, talking, listening, and discovering commonalities you share are all things that will help you like each other, dropping a bunch of cash on things that having nothing to do with those things will not.

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    • 2mo

      great - thanks for all the input - really appreciate the effort you put into this suggestion

  • First thing is that about her having a boyfriend, that was a lie. She said it because she doesn't like you. Many women have this funny way of rejecting guys, instead of telling them the truth, they come up with a lie so it deflects the decision off of them.

    Next thing is that if you can't afford to pay for a date, then you shouldn't be dating. You should be using that time to work on making more money, so you can afford it.

    I am in my upper 40's, and the women I date average 23 (my current girlfriend is 21). I always ask on a first date, "Why do you like older men?" the number one reason is "Because they don't expect me to pay [for a date]". They really hate having to pay, as in REALLY hate it. So, you can be one of those guys they really hate or you can be the kind of guy they date because they don't want to go out with they guys they hate.

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    • 2mo

      here's the thing... I was thinking the same thing... that she didn't like me so she used the boyfriend line. The problem is that I was able to creep her in fb afterwards and as her main profile pic she was being cuddled by some guy

      no to be honest I can't afford all these dates, I'm in school, i have student loans. if I were to pay for each and every date I go on I'd be paying like a quarter of my tuition per year...

      by the way those girls you're dating sound like gold diggers

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    • 2mo

      I really appreciate the input... I really do... But I'm talking about a first date...

      I don't know what world you're living in to suggest something about $500 plane tickets

      Anyhow thanks for the info

    • 2mo

      It wasn't for plane tickets. I was flying the plane.

  • Just be blunt about it. If she cancels, you saved yourself a dinner and a waste of time with a hungry ass gold digger.

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    • 2mo

      in the past I have suggested going dutch and some of them literally got offended...

      its like there's no winning... either I risk wasting money which is what has happened every time now or I get dirty looks for not paying

    • 2mo

      No, there are girls out there who won't freak out. And those are the ones you want to spend time with.

    • 2mo

      ok thanks so much

  • Its not about the money dude its about doing it for random strangers. Just tell them up front girls have used you in the past for free food so you are looking to avoid this in the future. If she does not understand she's not worth your time.

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    • 2mo

      i agree - i am starting to think honesty is the best policy

  • It's really easy and I have done this many times.. Just tell her that you would like to go dutch. Do not bother with an explanation unless she asks. In my experience, a lot of women are just fine with the notion and have no problem at all.

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    • 2mo

      all right cool thanks

  • I'm not positive on your conclusion. I think she may have "freaked"... that is expressed interest, then decided she wasn't interested and made up that she had a boyfriend.

    I've never had a problem saying at dinner time lets split it, but if you want to do so in advance, say lets split it. they shoudl respect that.

    I've had a woman buy for me... they feel better knowing they owe me nothing (I think)

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  • If you feel strongly about something do not be afraid to say what you think. If people are offended by what you think and say, that only means that they strongly disagree. Why would you want to continue a date with someone who strongly disagrees with you?
    I am not suggesting that you blast out your thoughts, more like offer them as suggestions to how you think and feel. Don't lie, just be up front and stand on your convictions. You will be surprised how many people really do agree with you and congratulate you for being honest and steadfast. Good luck with you next Dutch Treat!

    Just my opinion

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    • 2mo

      I think that's the best opinion so far

  • I simply don't date unless asked, problem solved. The asker usually pays.

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  • why would you take a girl to a resturant the first time you meet here? buy her some ice cream or a drink or meet up for coffee , never ever pay a lot of money unless youve been out together more than few times and you decided to actually be exclusive otherwise dont.

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  • Keep it simple & cheap , if not free , no pressure on either party then !!

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  • Just tell you've been used for free meals in the past and you want to go dutch so it doesn't happen anymore. If she starts complaining then she's not worth it.

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  • Go somewhere else! Go somewhere FREE.

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  • What means going dutch? Lol.

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