Do you think sex is necessary to make a genuine connection?

I've never really felt that strongly about a guy. Some friends were telling me it's because I've never had sex with any of the guys I've dated. Do you think that's always the case?

I've always thought it's important to build a stable connection without sex first.

  • Yes
    35% (42)43% (68)40% (110)Vote
  • No
    54% (64)44% (69)48% (133)Vote
  • Other?
    11% (13)13% (20)12% (33)Vote
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Most Helpful Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Obviously it's POSSIBLE to build up a deep connection without yet having had sex. And for some people -- who *can't* comfortably have a sexual relationship without deep emotional intimacy -- that may be the best course to follow.

    On the other hand... for people who *can* comfortably be intimate without a deep emotional commitment, there's a LOT of value to be gained in getting to know someone as a lover BEFORE building a deeper bond.

    __

    First... there's the simple matter of ensuring that both of you are at least roughly on the same "level", sexually, in any number of ways.
    If two people have mismatched desires (in intensity, taste, or both) -- something that may have stayed under the rug 100 years ago, but which will DEFINITELY come out in this day and age of uninhibited discussion and porn and all that -- that's the sort of thing that WILL inevitably lead to growing and explosive resentment.
    Remember, sexual compatibility is one of the VERY few things that you CAN'T GET FROM ANYONE ELSE in yr life.
    Basically, these are the things you HAVE to get FROM YR PARTNER:
    • Sexual compatibility
    • Shared values with which to raise children (if you want children)
    • Mutual emotional/logistical support

    That's pretty much IT.
    Everything else -- like "shared interests" -- is HUGELY overrated in a marriage. You can get that sort of stuff from friends, family, and/or business contacts.
    (Also, you SHOULD have things that you share with yr friends/family that you *don't* share with yr partner. After all, you still want to NEED yr friends!)

    If you don't want children, that removes the second of these -- leaving sexual compatibility as 50% of the most essential qualities.

    __

    And now, what I consider the MOST important reason to have a sex life before deciding to commit to someone for the long haul -- namely, sexual COMMUNICATION.

    What I mean is this:
    The way someone treats you, and interacts with you, as a lover... tells you TONS of things about
    • him,
    • how he feels about and respects women in general,
    • how he feels about and respects YOU in general.

    When people are intimate with each other, they have their guard down, in lots of different ways. Their everyday defense mechanisms are down, in all sorts of ways that are carefully guarded at just about every other time in life.

    • Are you dealing with a man who's fundamentally selfish and ultimately unconcerned with you? Then that WILL show in the way he treats you, yr needs, and yr orgasms. He'll be

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    • 2mo

      unconcerned with you and yr pleasure throughout yr intimacy. He won't be empathetic; he won't "read" you, to see whether you're experiencing enjoyment or pleasure or thrills; he'll just "get his".
      Sure, you might see these things in his behavior anyway, non-sexually -- but, it might take months or years for him to give it away.

      • Are you dealing with a man who's fundamentally inflexible, and won't allow YOUR priorities to have equal input with his?
      Then that will also show in the bedroom -- HE will always be the one who "draws the lines" and sets the boundaries and says what you will and won't do TOGETHER, and he won't be willing to listen to YOUR ideas and fantasies and boundaries and ideas.
      Again, you'd *eventually* see this outside the bedroom... but how long is "eventually"? Months? Years?

      • Are you dealing with someone who actually hates women?
      Then you'll

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    • 2mo

      @Unit1 Being closed off to certain things is also a metaphor.

      There are some things that just about NO reasonable person would do in the bedroom. Analogously, just about everyone does -- and should -- have certain personal boundaries in general.

      On the other hand, other things (like oral sex) are totally normal, and it's highly unusual to be completely closed off to them -- especially if those are things that yr lover wants. (If yr lover doesn't want those things either, then, obviously, nbd.)
      In those kinds of cases, if you can't have some give-and-take, that spells trouble for yr ability to have a well-functioning relationship.

    • 2mo

      Then I am a very unusual person, who is not into oral sex (and anal). So... I'm unique.
      I don't have a girlfriend yet but I hope she would be okay with my boundaries above or we can figure out a way to please her needs like toys or fingering. *Sigh* It all depends on her.

      May as well keep dwelling a virgin then I guess.

What Guys Said 81

  • All comes down to the situation. I've been in serious relationships were we had sex after the first date. And one relationship were a waited 2 years until hitting. Its natural to want sex with someone who you are physically attracted too. I don't think its needed to make a deep connection.. however it definitely can point it into the right direction. You're sharing something with someone.. something that by the sounds of it dont share too often. Try it once.. you dont have to start going on frenzy.

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  • You always hear tales of women falling for their fuck buddies. There is definitely a closer connection through sex, even if its on a hormonal level.

    Personally, i believe it is important. Its not so much that it comes before or after, its more that it's a part of building the emotional connection.

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  • Necessary? No, but it helps. Sex is, no matter how aroused and uncommited, a moment of intimacy, where you trust someone your body (which most people are ashamed of) and you give yourself to that person.
    Still, since sex is so random nowadays, I appreciate building a connection first and then making sex a much more meaningful act.

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  • It is one of the three pillars of true love, along with trust and friendship. So I think it kind of is necessary. But then again, many an old couple have remained happily together long after they gradually lost the ability to have sex. My grandparents are a prime example.

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  • No I don't think so. Yes sex can bring you two together but you still need to be comfortable and close with each other in general.

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  • I felt that I had a genuine connection with a woman that I wanted to marry. She wanted to remain a virgin until she was married. I was fine with that and waited. However, she eventually dumped me. Sometimes I think I should have been a bit more dominant or at least assertive regarding sex. Maybe had we had sex, she would have had a connection with me that she never would have had with any other guy and I would have married her instead of being broken hearted for 25 years.

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  • It helps tremendously but I don't think it's necessary, no. Connecting is an emotional and mental issue, and you can do that without being intimate. It's much BETTER when you do become intimate but it's not a requirement

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  • Its not going through tough things together or relating to things you each went through is probly the most effective way to connect.
    But it can certainly be something to connect over and become closer over much more so if you open up about and can share your fantasies and if he understands that it's about you as much as him!
    You need a stable connection for a relationship to work but why do you think sex might make it more difficult? The attitudes of some guys or do you think it changes the dynamic some how? Is it something else?

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  • Sex isn't a connection. The connection you get, is how you communcate, and care for one another.

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  • I think two people can have a genuine connection without having sex. But I also think sex can deepen the connection between them. Science actually backs that up: Orgasms release certain hormones that promote bonding.

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  • No, it is absolutely unnecessary and not required at all.

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  • Hmmm, I do think you can connect without it, but sex solidifies or confirms it.

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  • Yes. I think you can never really get the maximum out of a relationship, and get the strongest feelings for someone, if you don't have sex with them.

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  • It's not necessary to make a genuine connection, if you don't have any strong feelings towards a guy I doubt sex with him is suddenly gonna make you fall in love. But sex is still an important part of a relationship and it can ruin even a strong connection if the sex is just shit or you just want completely different things sexually.

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  • I say yes, otherwise there is a physical closeness that has not yet been obtained yet.

    Two people cannot be closer physically, than so physical that one's penis is in the other's vagina.

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  • Nope I don't think sex is required for a genuine connection at all, I've had tons of genuine connections with people, never had sex with any of em.

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    • 2mo

      In a romantic way though?

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    • 2mo

      How do you know your sexually comparable though? I've heard that even if you connect on a good level, it doesn't always mean you'll be sexually compatible

    • 2mo

      Sexual incompatibility in my opinion just stems from a lack of information just talk about what you think you'd like sexually if your a virgin or have little experience or talk about the stuff you do like sexually if your sexually active or have a little experience.

      You can pretty much find out stuff like that just by talking, you know does he or she like this or that, are they willingly to try this at least once etc, etc. I mean just communicate lol, I've found myself to be sexually ideal or compatible with other people just by talking about that kind of stuff.

      Also you have to keep in mind that the vast majority of people are probably not going to be sexually incompatible chances are you'll share at least some similar sexual interests with them.

      Just worry about getting the basics down and enjoying it with each other and work forward from there, learning new things, experimenting etc. Sex is just an activity like anything.

  • Not at all, it is all about how someone makes you feel

    I have many women in my life who I feel real connection with and never slept with

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  • No. I think sex can strengthen a connection, but if you're relying on it to make a connection then your relationship won't last.

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  • A sexless deep connection is friendship. Pick your choice.

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  • i think both complement each other, like sex can enhance your connection you have with your partner and having a good connection can enhance the sex. i personally think that before sex both partners need to be fully invested in one another for the sex to be really good.

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  • Not necessary, but it can help. It's a good idea to establish a genuine connection before you have sex too.

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  • Depends, girl, depends! Some are asexuals, others are sex beasts.

    Me? I LOVE SEX! I can't fully love someone without having sex! I see sex as an act of love and deeper bonding.

    But I can't stick my magic wand into someone, who I have no feelings for or am lacking the love-connection.

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  • The genuine connection definitely comes first and then the sex enhances it

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  • No no absolutely not.

    My rule of thumb is if you can't get along with a person without sex then don't waste your time

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  • For most guys, sex is a way of becoming closer. Having sex means that you are revealing your naked body to him, he accepts you and does not reject you, you force yourself to trust him enough to let him be inside of you, you focus on giving him pleasure and, if he is a good lover, he focuses on giving you pleasure, you may communicate desires to him that you have never revealed to anyone else. If you are making love and not just fucking, all of those things will help to bring you closer.

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  • The key to a guy being good with women has nothing to do with great sex or sex per se. It's that emotional connection/chemistry that you seek. When you get that, that's what makes you good. I can fuck until the cows come home, but my chemistry creating skills are shit, so I don't get as many women as I would like.

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  • I think sex adds validity to what could be an otherwise invalid connection. I think there's a rare occasion where sex is the final step to validating a connection that wasn't at the level it needed to be at, but a lot of times I think it's just a natural/biological drug.

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  • I can make a genuine, deep connection without it, but oh-my-god do things change after I have sex for the first time. I will admit that I feel *much* closer and more vulnerable with her.

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  • You need both to have a stronger connection. First you need to build a stable connection or a fmgood foundation. Once that's done then have sex to make the connection even stronger. But you can't do one or the other the 2 of them have to happen for you and him to connect in a deeper level.

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  • Sorry, but for me to really answer that in a meaningful way you'll understand, we'll have to have sex.

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What Girls Said 25

  • No, I don't think that's always the case. That you won't feel strongly about someone just because you haven't 'sealed the deal' by having sex.

    I had sex for the first time with my ex. That didn't make me feel any stronger about him after the fact. I felt much more strongly about my current boyfriend, relatively speaking, before having sex with him. Perhaps getting physical did take our relationship to a whole 'nother level but it didn't create something that hadn't previously been there.

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  • Nah. Maybe it's because I've never dated someone and then had sex with them, but after having sex with the two dudes I have had sex with, I didn't feel any special connection.

    With one of them I just really craved his dick more often than not, which, thinking back, made me come off as clingy.

    Just have a selfishly big sex drive I guess.

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  • Its not always the case, depends on the person however I know sex can be really powerful for some couples.

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  • Absolutely, sex should come after a genuine connection in my opinion.

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  • I never have any desires to hook up or have ses with guys I just met. I fall in love first. The only guy I've ever thought of having sex with is the guy I fell in love with because we have a special connection/emotional bond. So no, it's not required to have a strong bond

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  • For me, it does. If I haven't seen my boyfriend for ages, the best way to reconnect and be close to one another is to have sex.

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  • I wish it were not so

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  • Not for a man, no.

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  • I feel like a couple should have a connection before they have sex.
    but obviously, its not necessary because hook ups happen all the time haha

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    • 2mo

      It's crazy how many serious relationships develop from ONS's these days... I don't understand how you could move backwards

  • I think you make a connection first and it only gets deeper after sex. Good sex. Lol.

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  • I put "other" because you don't have to have sex first to then feel strongly about them, but I do think it is a follow-on to romantic feelings - if you both feel the same way that is.

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  • I think you can have a strong connection with someone without sex but it helps. If you're not sexually compatable with someone the relationship will be poopy.

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  • I'm still a virgin so I wouldn't know, but I'd have to say based off my current experiences no, but I do think that answer is susceptible to change.

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  • I think it's important, maybe not a relying factor for a connection though. I just know that the sex I have has gotten better as my feelings develop for him :)

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  • I think it makes the connection deeper but doesn't work alone. Also, my manager looks scarily similar to you👀

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    • 2mo

      Yeah I get that a lot. I have a familiar face. I get told I look someone else at least 2x a month lol

  • No, if you aren't connected without sex, it isn't the right guy

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  • If you need sex to make a genuine connection people would be making those all the time. For a lot of people sex is just an act amd they choose when to put more meaning into it.

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  • There's more to it than sex. You need to really get the person.

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  • No it's not necessary

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  • Of course not.

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  • Sex is not necessary to develop a genuine connection.

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  • I don't think so at all, when you're in <3

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  • It depends on the person you're asking and what his/her needs are

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  • Having a good connection before sex probably makes it much more enjoyable, I'd imagine.

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  • No but sex is amazing and when i love or like someone I want to fuck their brains out

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