Found out the guy I’ve been dating for 3 months has been seeing another girl because we're not "exclusive" Is this bad behaviour :(?

Some backstory - we met online and we've dated for 3 months so far. We both said we were looking for something long term and we really liked each other. We slept together about a month ago. He's shared a lot of deep stuff with me he hasn't told many people apart from close friends/family (health issues, family issues etc) and I've met his friends and family. We've never had the exclusivity talk, which is fine, as I like things to progress naturally, because you kind of "know" when you're at that stage. I thought everything between us was moving gradually in that direction, until he told me he'd been on a few dates with this girl he knew.

He didn't seem phased by admitting it, as we weren't "official." He was surprised by my reaction, and said that I was clingy.

Technically he's right in today's dating world, but morally it feels like a punch in the gut and simply cheating. Call me oldfashioned, but I always date one person at a time. He should of told me early on if he was open to playing the field until exclusivity, as to which, I would not have dated him. I do NOT want to date someone I'm also sleeping with, who could be sleeping with other girls.

So my question is, are his actions acceptable?

Updates:
2mo Update - Wow! What a response. Thank you to ALL of you for your opinions.
I think I've left out some vital information :S less than two months ago, the guy went through an awful time with some family health issues and work circumstances. At the time, he gave me the opportunity to walk away if the stress became too much, especially so early when dating someone... but I stood by him, clearly explaining I wasn't interested in dating anyone else.
2mo (contd) ... so he KNEW that I wasn't seeing anyone else.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Technically you two weren't exclusive, but on the other hand it's been 3 months and, call me old fashioned but, when both people indicated they wanted a long term relationship in the beginning, they shouldn't need explicit confirmation of exclusivity just so the other won't sleep around.

    I can understand why you're upset and you being upset answers your question: no, his actions are not acceptable for a guy who wants to date, they could be acceptable for a guy who dates some girl who is fine with all this, but it's not acceptable in your case.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I would be bothered by it too. Especially if things seemed to be moving in that direction.

    This is the unfortunate reality of dating in today's world. Many people see the dating pool as a smorgasbord of sex and other options. They may not feel they are doing anything wrong. You two weren't officially exclusive. But I can see why you would have felt that way as he was introducing you to friends and family and sharing personal stuff with you.

    I think you have every right due to these factors:

    - You guys dated for 3 months
    - Both have indicated you want something long-term
    - He's introduced you to family and friends and shared personal stuff with you

    I think you need to walk away from this guy. He obviously doesn't respect you. Calling you clingy, for simply feeling a little hurt is not someone I would want to date. I think he's just trying to brush off any responsibility for making you feel like things were more serious than they were.

    Most of my friends never had to have the talk with their guys about being exclusive. They just kind of mutually decided at some point without really discussing it.

    However, like yourself, I have been burned in one of these types of situations before. So now I make a point to ask where we stand and whether we are exclusive or not. Some people think it's weird but then I just explain to them the situation I have been in the past and they understand.

    I think this guy doesn't respect you. But there's not much you can do about that now. My advice is next time have the conversation with him and do not assume. Assumptions only create these types of situations. You have every right to want an exclusive relationship. But understand that people now a days are not always upfront about what they do.

    I would personally walk away and find someone who is wanting the same things as you. I know it's hard, because he said he does want the same things as you. But there's really not much you can do. You can only rely on what the person tells you and their actions.

    Best of luck next time!

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for the advice Hun. I agree with everything you've said. If I was playing the field, I'd keep the dates light, fun, so you can get to know the other person and hold back a bit. You certainly wouldn't share very personal information with someone, unless you potentially saw it going somewhere.

    • 1mo

      You're very welcome! I hope you find a guy who isn't going to play your heart like this one did!

What Guys Said 13

  • What a great GAG question.
    I'm going to say yes based upon what I read. But as well, given it was 3 months of dating, he could have been clear about where you were at and for that he was wrong.

    It's so hard to date and figure this stuff out... isn't it! It sucks! What a mess we've made of our dating environment with so many people now easily available. Longing for the old days...

    Just because you both said you wanted something long term, does not mean exclusivity. I got snagged on that reading it and started thinking he was deceiving, but it isn't, it just means that's what he wants. Doesn't mean he committed to you.. they are different things.

    You chose to have sex with him without being clear you were exclusive. you have to own that. These days, you can't make any assumption. But then again, having exclusive/commitment discussions can kill a relationship... been there...

    to me, until he says he is committed to you (either in that he commits to you or he is committing to only dating you), he isn't cheating. If he lead you to believe you were exclusive that is a different matter. "He didn't seem phased".. because he did not think you were exclusive... albeit, if you had mentioned another date he may not react well either.

    At least he was honest that he has been on dates with someone else... he's being open about that and not hiding it. I don't know what that means... means he likes her more, he doesn't know what he wants, etc?

    I agree with you to back this down. I would handle it as non emotionally as you can... and discuss if the relationship goes forward, allow him time to think about it. Express you like him and thought you were exclusive, but it was a false assumption (your fault). He should have been more clear about where you were at sleeping with two women... what if both got preganant... he isn't using his brain (his fault). Offer to him that you would be exclusive with him and he can take time to sort out if he is interested. It doesn't mean anything more than he only dates you [e. g. don't turn this into marriage, blah blah... he'll run]. If so, the other girl is informed and blocked

    He may want to play things out with this other woman for some time, or some other u don't know about yet, and then may return. Confused people do confused things.

    Ugh... I feel your pain. Who screwed up our world?

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  • His actions are 100% acceptable because as you said, you two are NOT exclusive. The thing is this is a grey area... you assumed and moved forward with that assumption. But at the same time he should have been forthright with the fact he's dating around. So you're both wrong. You more than him in this instance. He doesn't owe you the information that he's seeing other women early on in dating. It's just a courtesy that would be nice to know. Because he's just getting to know you and any date may be your last. Obviously this conversation should have come up at some point which makes me wonder if the new girl is a very recent thing. If he just now started seeing her, then he's a pretty stand up guy for telling you that sooner rather than later. Because he didn't need your permission to go out with another girl and if you two weren't together it wouldn't make sense to turn down a date unless he just saw you as the better option.

    You don't have to like it, but he did nothing wrong. He never lied and said you're the only one. You date one person at a time, so you assumed that he was doing the same. When he's not you. So yes, your anger towards the situation is unjustified. Even from a moral standpoint. You assumed and moved forward with your assumption. It's a possibility he simply assumed you were dating around too. Who knows.

    Should he have told you beforehand? I would have, in order to avoid any confusion so the girl knows exactly what she's getting into amd can bail out if she's not down for that. But I can see how it wouldn't just come up if he's assuming. Or if he just met her, then this is technically him letting you know early on. So again, that's more of a courtesy issue than him being wrong for not sharing this information with a girl that may or may not become his girlfriend or even see again.

    This conversation should have come up in two months, but i don't know how often you saw eachother. Either way. While you are entitled to your emotions and your emotions are not wrong.. the anger is unjustified. Because again, he's not your boyfriend and you two never had the talk. So be glad you know now. Feel free to discontinue seeing him or discuss terms for dating if you think it's going somewhere. But past that, experience these emotions then let them go so you can move on. Because you have not been cheated on and he is not morally wrong here either.

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    • 2mo

      And for reference, I've been through this type of thing two times. I dated 3 girls at once in highschool. I told all three of them what was going on in the beginning.

      In college, I was seeing a girl that was seeing me and another guy... she never told me she was seeing him. She always just brought up this other guy that could be a friend, could be an acquaintance. She never said. She was too afraid to tell me, because she liked getting the attention from two guys. Was it wrong of her? Eh, gray area. She didn't owe me anything. But it was cowardly not to tell me. At the same time tho, I didn't care. Because 1. I was better and knew I'd get her in the end (I did. Dated 1 year) and 2. Because she wasn't my girlfriend I had no right to tell her not to see anyone else. Just like you don't have that right.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks @rjroy3 thing is, is that he knew I wasn't interested in seeing other people (see update)

    • 2mo

      How recently did he start seeing this other girl?

  • I'm in the exact same boat as far as my dating morals. I feel for you. Technically it is okay, but my morals are not based on what is technically okay. They are based on my thoughts and feelings.

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  • i think once you sleep together it should be the end of the others. id consider this cheating. id move on if i was you.

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    • 2mo

      technically he did nothing wrong but i feel that he morally did do something wrong. i personally wouldn't want to be with a person like that.

  • In my opinion if you date someone for 3 months, you're boyfriend and girlfriend, unless stated otherwise. I don't see any justification for what he did, I'd leave him.

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  • You are looking for long term, he's probably just using you. So incase there's someone better, or just to sleep with you. He should defentaly told you earlier. In my opinion, leave him. Find someone thats actually serious.

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  • This one is "iffy." You didn't have the talk. Then again he didn't tell you.

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  • he didn't do anything wrong

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    • 2mo

      is it okay for girls to do the same thing?

    • 2mo

      in your case yes
      but ask him if i dated others will u be okay

  • No he is in wrong stop seeing and sleeping with him

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  • Well at least he's honest about sleeping with others?

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  • I went through the same shit last week. There's this girl I was seeing that I felt very close to and had a lot in common with. Then on date 3 last week, she invited me to her place and we had sex at the end, but I found an empty condom wrapper on the bed right before we did it.

    I didn't say anything about it but she knew I saw it and she brushed it off saying heh that's trash. Then I ended up being ignored and then told she's not interested anymore.

    I wasn't mad that she was seeing others but she should have gotten rid of the condom, especially since she invited me to her place.

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    • 2mo

      It's a similar situation.

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    • 2mo

      That's so disrespectful of her.

    • 2mo

      @desidoll I'll pm you but yeah thats insanely disrespectful

  • Well... he did tell you up front. I have had girls tell me up front, and I immediately walk out of the door. So, his actions were acceptable because he told you.

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  • Sadly for you, YES his actions were acceptable.

    You can't just make these sorts of assumptions because you're uncomfortable having the "Are we exclusive?" conversation.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for the opinion. I'm not uncomfortable having the "are we exclusive" talk because it's always happened naturally happened with past boyfriends and it's what I've only experienced. I was with my ex for four years, and dating has changed a lot.
      And it's ironic, that if this situation was the other way round, I'd be ridiculed to kingdom come and called a slag. I'm no feminist, but I've seen posts on here where girls are dating two guys at the same time, and the strongest reaction of disapproval ALWAYS came from the men.

    • 2mo

      On this site? Not surprising. There's a lot of whiny cry babies on this site.

    • 2mo

      He knew I wasn't interested in seeing other guys though. (see update)

What Girls Said 22

  • I'd be pissed. Even if you go with the "weeeeeell you never really said you were exclusive..." line he should still respect you enough to tell you he's sleeping with other people so you know your health is at risk.

    If I were you I'd dump him like yesterday's trash since that's where he belongs anyway.

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  • I don't think his actions are acceptable. I think he deliberately kept the relationship casual so that he could go out and date another girl just in case he didn't see things working out for you two long-term. His excuse may sound reasonable in his mind but I think it is a get out clause. He wants to do whatever he wants. The good thing is that he told you. Are you still dating because the clingy makes me think he is about to call time, if you haven't already.

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  • Yes they are acceptable. He wasn't even dishonest or trying to hide it. You never had the exclusivity talk and you can see this as a lesson learned. Even if you prefer things to evolve naturally and you feel like you just "know", clearly the other person might not feel the same way, and won't think you're exclusive because you never talked about it. So, you really don't know.
    If you don't want to be with him now because this turned you off from him, then that's your right. But now know, in the future, that it's always important to talk about what you're doing together and if you want the same things/are on the same page. Then misunderstandings like this won't happen, because there won't even be any room for them. Maybe it's not ideal, since you prefer it to flow naturally, but at least you won't be hurt like this and you'll know for sure he is exclusive too.
    The whole point about dating is that you can date multiple people if you want, because you're technically still single and you can do whatever you want. The only way it could be problematic is if the person is dishonest, either by trying to hide that they're dating others, or by claiming exclusivity when in fact they're not exclusive with you.

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  • I'm thinking these days everything has to be said.
    If it isn't - it isn't implied.

    Of course, that doesn't excuse someone's behavior, and if you don't see it as normal, then maybe he isn't the one for you...

    Or you're feeling a lot more for him than he is for you.

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  • Well since both of you aren't exclusive yet, his behavior is acceptable but the thing is he seems to lead you on and wasn't being honest about it. I'd get upset too.

    I was in the same situation but he openly asked my permission to date other girl. We weren't exclusive so I couldn't really say anything and I started to see other guys too. He kept his options open, I did the same thing. After a few months he told me he wanted a serious relationship with me. I guess he was doing some sort of 'audition' of whom he wanted to be serious with. Unfortunately, I've already in a relationship with someone. He begged like crazy but I said no.

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    • 2mo

      What'd you tell him after you said no when he begged? How soon did he ask for permission to date others.

    • 2mo

      @bloodmountain1990 He asked the permission after 2 months dating me. Well he kept saying he made a mistake when he begged. I told him it's over. He still talks to me though.

  • The bottom line is 3 months is a long time to not know whether or not what you have together is exclusive or not. Or going anywhere. I know people do it but it really shouldn't take that long. After a couple dates, maybe a month of hanging out regularly and even after sharing kisses more frequently should tell either of you whether it's going somewhere. If it drags then it isn't going anywhere... It's what people do, I wouldn't be with someone doing that. He probably doesn't know what he wants and so here is how you know. I'd move on, I need to know someone wants to be with me and not after 3 whole months of my time.

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  • You're not exclusive so technically he did nothing wrong, but out of respect, he should've made it clear that you guys were going to be seeing other people. Usually after 3 months of dating, most people assume it is exclusive because not too many people ask someone to be their boyfriend or girlfriend anymore, it just happens. And the fact that he slept with you and didn't tell you he wants to date other people still... dunno, dude sounds like a complete tool to me.

    Tell him you won't be sleeping with him anymore until you're exclusive. You can hang out but honestly, if he doesn't want to be with you exclusively after 3 months, he probably doesn't want to be with you, especially since he's looking elsewhere still. You're his fix while he searches other places. Don't give in.

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  • Uve met a bullshitter.. someone who says things with no depth.. opens his mouth and hot air comes out..

    Ain't u lucky u found out now rather than after he got ur pregnant or have u an std...

    a person worth havin won't promise u the world... he was quick to offer it to get in ur pants...

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  • technically he is not at fault , since you had that talk... but still i can understand if it hurts cuz you shared so much together , but also how you know that thats the only girl he is dating? maybe he is doing that all this 3 months you are dating.. even if you agreed that you are not exclusive and it really bothers you , just stop it or ask him directly if he want exclusivity..

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  • not after a few months no... sounds like he is unsure of you and keeping his options open.

    You can do better... move along and let him see the error of his ways. If he comes crawling he was worth it...

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  • Not acceptable in my eyes. He was leading you on when he entertained the idea of being exclusive with you. If he had mentioned dating someone else before then I would say his behaviour is acceptable, however this isn't the case. I would just probably address him and let him know that I'm not okay with this. If he wants to continue then cut your losses and move on.

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  • In general it's bad behaviour.

    However, because this wasn't spoken about before you both started dating, you both were on different pages, and neither of you can be blamed for your behaviour.
    He can't be blamed for seeing other girls,
    And you can't be blamed for being hurt.

    It's just unfortunate really, and a lesson to learn to always discuss these things prior to starting anything.

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  • His actions are perfectly fine because you're half at fault for not straight up telling him what you were looking for.

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  • For me dating is not exclusive tbh, it's meeting different people and getting to know them.
    You become exclusive the moment you say you're BF/GF

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  • I can see why your upset by his actions but if you weren't officially a couple or exclusively dating I don't see why he can't go out and date other people. Yes he could of told you from the start that he was going to be seeing other people as well as you then again you should kinda expect something like this to happen especially if your non-exclusive. I understand where your coming from in saying you don't want to date someone who's seeing other girls.

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  • One thing I've learned, when ur dating somebody online...
    You can never fully trust the person to be faithful.
    I learned itthe hard way. Just play the game honey and keep your emotions at bay. You can never fully trust someone online.

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  • It's pretty common. It's casual dating! You aren't clingy though, he just didn't want to admit he was dishonest because he shared deep stuff with you and knew you took him srsly back.

    But, this is why it's funny to me when people say hooking up is slutty. Casual dating is way worse. I'm sorry this happened to you asker but it is common for guys and girls these days.

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  • you are right, sounds like he wants an open relationship, anyway just walk away, its not morally right, where i come from such a thing is frowned on, leave you can have better.

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  • He didn't do anything wrong exactly... but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it. I definitely wouldn't see him again if I were you, but that's just me.

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  • There is nothing specifically wrong with his actions in my opinion since you never said you were exclusive. If you want exclusivity just ask him for it

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  • he conveniently kept his options open

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  • It is bad😠

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