How do I get men to stop viewing me as an object?

So far every guy I've attempted to get to know has only seen me as an object, someone they just want to to fuck.

I'm kind to everyone and I treat everyone the same, the way I'd like them to treat me. I don't make it a requirement to go on dates. I don't know anyone's money situation and would hate to put pressure on someone to have to spend money to hang out with me, so I'm cool with hanging out, playing video games, going on walks, etc. I try to keep myself open and I want to get to know people. And I don't give out any sexual vibes and purposely keep the conversation from turning to that. But no matter what I do no one wants the same thing in return. Just last night this guy dropped me off at home and ignored me the whole way there because I refused to have sex with him. He basically kicked me out.

I'm lost right now. I don't want to give up on guys but I hate being treated like this. I don't want men to see me as an object, I want the to see me as a person that's worth getting to know.

Updates:
2mo Just some background in me:

I like to look nice, and my hair is always done. I like clothes that cling to my body but I don't dress provocatively.
2mo I tend to go for men who most people would see as very attractive, simply because I'm attracted to them. I've tried dating someone I wasn't attracted to before and it was terrible. I couldn't form any connection with him past friends.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • All I can tell you is what I've learned: We attract what we WANT to attract. Apparently you attract assholes (no offense). It's most likely you were treated poorly by a male father figure-thus you (without meaning to) go for similar behaviors in the men you date.

    I say this as for a long time I attracted very exploitative women, abusive women, etc... who also treated ME like an object. At some point I realized, it had a lot to do with my childhood and related codependency issues. When you decide to make yourself happy-that you don't NEED a man, then and only then will you attract the right type... I'm pretty sure this rule is across the board. You do you first-then you'll find guys that want to know you, not do you. ;)

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    • 2mo

      Yeah I was treated poorly, by two father figures. I didn't realize that could have an effect on who I attract.

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    • 2mo

      OK. Giving off "I've been abused" signs is something I can understand. Thanks for the explanation. That's much better than "you attract what you want". I've been 50/50 on agreeing with your stuff as I've run across it. But there's always thought behind it… it's obvious.

    • 2mo

      @qwertyKitchen thanks... ya what i say isn't always pretty but it does tend to have a basis.

      i meant "want" as in subconsciously. nobody WANTS to be abused consciously-some of us just never learned what a good relationship was and thus keep attracting AND choosing the wrong people-til we heal ourselves, THEN we can make the 2 (mentally, want , ie consciously) and subconsciously want-line up

Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all you sound great! :) I would hang out with you at any given day! As a friend of course! :) But it seems like you have been unlucky and bumped in to just simply assholes.. This guy you mentioned just sounded like a complete dickhead.
    Next time a guy asks you out, try to read his angle :) does he want to really get to know you, go on walks with you, help you with some different tasks? If so his intentions might be good!
    Also you can try to throw out there that you have met assholes before and did not like the way they pressured you for sex. At least then he will be aware that this won't sail with you! :)

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What Guys Said 25

  • Oh wow. What an ass! I'm sorry that happened to you. It's difficult to give actual advice on this and not just sound like a cheerleader. (Hang in there, there right guy for you is out there!) One thing I've seen be highly successful for a lot of long term couples is being friends first. (It's also my personal experience.) Dating is rough because you end up with guys like you just did. Find some who subjectifies you. (By that I mean the opposite of "objectify"; he knows your background, your interests, hopes for the future, etc.) Only then see if there could be a spark. In one way, it seems daunting because it takes so much up-front effort. On the other hand, so does wading through a sea of guys that see going out on a date in the same way they do standing in line for a roller coaster.

    I wish you every happiness for the future. Good luck!

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  • Maybe stop thinking men think you're on object? Sorry to break the news to you sweetie but just because a ma wants sex doesn't mean he views you as less than human. If he treats you like a possession then he's treating you like an object. Wanting sex from a person you find attractive is nothing but human nature. Don't take it as an insult. Take it as a compliment. A guy thinks you're attractive enough to have sex with you with no prior emotional connection? Woohoo! Contrary to popular belief that's not as common with men as women think. We don't just fuck anything. Be grateful you're found attractive. There's plenty of women out there who'd die to be in your position.

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  • So far every hot guy I've attempted to get to know has only seen me as an object, someone they just want to to fuck.

    I'm kind to everyone and I treat everyone the same, the way I'd like hot guys to treat me. I don't make it a requirement to go on dates. I don't know anyone's money situation and would hate to put pressure on someone to have to spend money to hang out with me, so I'm cool with hanging out, playing video games, going on walks, etc. I try to keep myself open and I want to get to know people. And I don't give out any sexual vibes and purposely keep the conversation from turning to that. But no matter what I do no hot guy wants the same thing in return. Just last night this hot guy dropped me off at home and ignored me the whole way there because I refused to have sex with him. He basically kicked me out.

    I'm lost right now. I don't want to give up on guys but I hate being treated like this. I don't want men to see me as an object, I want the to see me as a person that's worth getting to know.

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    • 2mo

      ... um. your point?

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    • 2mo

      this is a serious answer you can't be a 6/10 and expect a 9/10 to fall for you.

    • 2mo

      @IceCubedude I never said that. And I'm definitely not a six so... lol

  • you need to get about 20 years older. Sorry, if your a young attractive woman, guys are visual and horny. That isn't going to be the only way they look at you, but it is the initial reaction. The banes of being a woman i guess.

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  • Hmmm that's hard.
    Keep your morals, you will really need them! Do not have sex unless YOU want to.

    Keep looking! Many men are horny pigs, who are just out there to get laid but among that bunch you can find a genuinely nice guy, who see's you for who you are but only if you do not give up.

    Just like it is for us decent men! Some of us are looking for a serious relationship too with a sweet girl and not those women, who see us for our wallets or status or exploit us or whatever.

    Dating is hard in this situation. Both men and women struggle with it! Don't stop there girl, you can do it! *hugs*

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  • You are too good. Be more of a bitch and a little more high maintanance. Demand. If you respect yourself, others will too. Don't say yes to everything.

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  • I am sorry it seems that way to you - I would keep doing what you are doing, make it clear you are not there for a hook up and often take things slow , the right guys will hang in there for the long haul.

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  • Find better men. You do not get men to stop treating you as a fuck buddy. You do not get men to do anything. Stop trying to change the people. Instead, find people who are already what you like. If you don't think you give off any sexual vibes and are kind and respectful, then don't look at that as the problem. Look at your choice in men as the problem. Alter what will actually fix the issue, the men you choose to be around. Find better men. Be around them. Problem solved.

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  • Try going lesbian. Sorry but most guys (attractive or not) are wired to start rating you on the attractiveness scales and doing things like mentally picturing you naked and wondering what sex acts you will and won't do and how good you are at it the second they see you. Blame evolution.

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  • Use it to your advantage if you are able to tell they just see you as a object drop them and find the right guy, don't give up

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  • Where do you meet these guys may I ask? Also a lot of younger guys usually are just in it for sex and not for a real relationship. But there are some out there of course looking for love.

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    • 2mo

      I meet them in my neighborhood, at their job, school. The recent guy is 30.

  • Oh there's nothing you can do about that unless you want to wear non revealing clothing. Some men are just horny and will always see u that way. Some men aren't. But also you get juiced up bro! Then they will see you as a muscular woman

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  • if you dont want to be considered an object present yourself as a human. if you dont show emotion objectification is bound to happen.

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  • Keep your standards where they are it's admirable that your like that in my opinion eventually you will meet a guy that is mature enough to understand your worth and how much of a great thing it is that you see your own worth

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  • You want to chose based on character as well if you want to connect with them non sexualy as well as just finding them hot.

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  • Don't wear makeup

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  • Stay in nice places. Not bars or clubs. Go to good places with good men.

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  • hun there's a section of guys that see you as an object
    and a section of guys that dont

    pick a side already

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  • be ugly be smart

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  • Sorry for being an ass, but, why are you dating men if you don't want to have sex with them?

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    • 2mo

      I want to have sex with men. I have had sex before. But I don't want that to be the only reason men are pursuing me.

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    • 2mo

      I can see how you wouldn't like it referred to as "objectification" but I don't know what else to call it. It doesn't make me feel good at all.

    • 2mo

      Ah, I see.

      Again sorry for being a pedantic nitpicking ass but, it seems to be more accurate to say that you strongly dislike it when men have a purely physical interest in you. Which is totally respectable, by the way.

      (sorry for the off-topic petulance btw)

  • I've given up on finding a relationship myself. I'm not rich (lower middle class, I guess you could say) and I'm not hung like a pornstar. I just want to find love, but what can you do these days?

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  • Well guys, even and especially one who like you and your personality are gonna wanna get intimate at some point. And if they really do like you theyre gonna get butthurt a being rejected that way.

    Its up to you to gage who wants you and sex or who wants just sex.

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    • 2mo

      They're hasn't been a guy who likes my personality.

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    • 2mo

      Because they didn't say so. I don't assume someone likes me unless they say something. And it's always been about sex so far

    • 2mo

      fair enough. Keep looking then. Chin up.

  • be my gf:) i wouldn't treat the way they treated you
    i am a virgin tho, i just will have sex with my future wife. so dont worry, i wouldn't treat you like that
    im 25 by the way

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  • Those guys just have one thing in mind. Maybe your attracting those jerks who just want to hit it and quit it. Don't put all of us in the same basket, thanks. Look for more well grounded mentally mature men, not men that have the mind of a boy.

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  • I sincerely doubt they do. Being turned off after being rejected doesn't mean objectification.

    People throw "object" around waaay too much, without having and understanding of what it means at all. Please stop, I don't think that word means what you think it means --it's either that, or you've got tunnel vision and can't see the world any other way.

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    • 2mo

      Well they certainly aren't treating me like a human being.

    • 2mo

      Maybe you're not considering their humanity. How should humans act in these situations?

What Girls Said 5

  • You have to make your expectations known from the very beginning.

    1) You are looking for something serious.
    2) You are not going to fuck anybody you are not committed to, that includes just dating.
    3) You will not tolerate anybody treating you like shit, and you will speak up if they try to do so.

    Period.

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  • There is the odd guy out there who is different... I think mainly the artistic, sensitive type and the gay guys... who you can be friends with without them wanting sex. Otherwise just stick to girls. Guys, as much as they may think they want to be friends always, in my experience, end up wanting to have sex... even the gay guys sometimes. I'm afraid its just something we have to deal with. You might come across the odd asexual, but I think they are ultra--rare, and I kinda have my doubts as to whether true asexuals even exist. The good news is that as you get older things get better and guys mature... they still want sex... but are more controlled about it.

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  • I don't know how most people date but I would suggest getting to know them first before going on the date. Meaning if you meet a guy you find attractive don't just go on a date with him while he's still a stranger. Give him your number and at the least spend a week or more calling him and talking about yourselves so you'll get to know each other.

    That way when the date comes around, he'll have an understanding of who you are as a person, what is and isn't appropriate to do, and the date would be less awkward and more fun.

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  • I think you have to set clear boundaries before you ever actually go out with someone. Talking openly about what you want up front. If you are looking for someone to be more of a companion and letting a relationship grow from that point, make sure you make that known up front. If the guy is interested in you from that point on, he will take small steps with you, but if all he wants is sex, ask him up front, if he is honest, tell him you aren't about just that, and see how long he sticks around

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  • Do not dress like a slut.

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